Joke Thread

[Bulldog]

Evening Classes for Men
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step guide with slide presentation.
TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics).
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL.
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS.
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum.
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play.
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation.
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER.
Online class and role playing.
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

[sllywhtboy]

Mikey walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies Mikey. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"



"I dunno...Never found the head"

[mad mikee]

>
> It is time to start baking for the holidays. This is the BEST Christmas Cookie
> recipe EVER. Be sure to read, and follow, the instructions carefully.
>
> Christmas Cookies
> 1 cup of water
> 1 tsp baking soda
> 1 cup of sugar
> 1 tsp salt
> 1 cup of brown sugar
> Lemon juice
> 4 large eggs
> 1 cup nuts
> 2 cups of dried fruit
> 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
>
> Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to
> be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the
> electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon
> of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still
> OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and
> add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit up
> off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
> just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for
> tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.
> Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of
> sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin
> 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
> Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure
> to put the stove in the dishwasher.
>
> CHERRY

[Liquid3D]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the
way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You would have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

(this may be an oldie)

[arisythila]

Lol

[[XC] DragonOrta]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
















Christopher Walken!

[thunderstruck!]

Don't know if this has been posted, but I saw it pre'd in a goof nfo..

WHAT :banana::banana::banana::banana: FILMS WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE!!

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than
satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange
man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but
rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in
the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding
fine.

10. All women are noisy roots.

11. People in the 70's couldn't root unless there was
a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man
is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly
on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each
other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having
sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven
shades of out of you if you shove your :banana::banana::banana::banana: in
his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really
excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the
butt.

21. Nurses suck patients :banana::banana::banana::banana:s.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from
her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off
before rooting the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's :banana::banana::banana::banana:, it's
important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. ass-holes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying
result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they
open a man's trousers and find a :banana::banana::banana::banana: there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always
place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling
woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[Bulldog]

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Darn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Darn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Darn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

[Carlz0r]

Warning: Lame joke ahead!

What's the best pickup line for use in a gay bar?
"Hey, can I push in your stool?"

[Bulldog]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3r d grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go b ack to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a ?lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

[Bulldog]

The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you know these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks and BELIEVE me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas !! ...

[stayfrosty]

Chuck norris can slam a revolving door.
Sorry.. just had to.

[Carlz0r]

Yo momma so dirty she has to pour salt water down her pants just to keep the crabs fresh.

[Bulldog]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO'S COMPUTER CONVERSATION

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"......

[C_B]

[Chipmonk]

Gene Pitney wil have to wait 2 weeks to get a coffin made from pine..
But only 24 hours from Balsa...

[[XC] Lead Head]

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson

[HappyUser]

Q: whats the dif. between a jew and a pizza?

EDIT: oh god i dont wanna get ban

[Threeme2189]

Q: whats the dif. between a jew and a pizza?

EDIT: oh god i dont wanna get ban

I bet it has something to do with ovens

[TheDude]

I'm glad someone had the sense to edit it...cudos to IFMU.
I saw what it said right before the forum went down and the poster should be banned. What an idiot!
I see NOTHING funny about the murder of hundreds of thousands of innocent people.
Now you can ban me for flaming him...some things are just plain worth it.

[TheDude]

OK on a lighter note:

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[haste]

My Moms Farts

Date: 2005-06-04, 7:04PM PDT


I dont know what it is, maybe it has something to do with what she eats, but my mom has the deadliest farts ever! In my 31 years I've yet to actually hear my mom drop the hammer but the smell is so distinct and rotten that she's guilty the second she lets one rip. The thing is, she rips cord with the best of them. At the dinner table, in line at Costco, Walgreens, Mervyns, it really doesn't matter. She has no preferences, it's green light no holds barred.

Every time she's confronted about it, she plays stupid, pretends like it's an accident or she, "cant control it." I'm not buying that. In fact, I'll even take it a step further. I honestly believe my mom uses her toxic fumes as a form of entertainment. I think she gets off on it. How else can you explain stopping by Yumi Yogurt every single time she goes to Costco. My mom always farts @ Costco. It's automatic. There hasn't been one single time where I've been to Costco with my mom and she hasn't farted. And let me tell you something, may God have mercy on your soul if you are standing directly behind her when she drops the Yumi Yogurt hammer on you! It's bad enough that she could light up about two thirds of the entire warehouse, but if she cuts loose and you catch it head on, you better man up and go pick up a huge jar of tomato sauce and a World War 2 German gas mask. It just aint right.

I'm not even sure if Yumi Yogurt is to blame. She rolls through Costco eating up all the free samples like she's competing in the Olympics. She'll load up on Yogurt, cheese balls, cup cakes, orange juice, she'll even circle the store 2 or 3 times until they finally notice her. Then she'll go get in line and ultimately it'll take about a minute before she breaks wind but let me tell you something, thats when all hell breaks loose.

You have to understand, the fart is so rotten that you can't even pretend you don't notice it. It's unavoidable. It's like a human stink bomb. So of course everybody is standing in line wanting answers to the same question which is, "Who farted?" Everybody starts looking at each other like they are playing the board game Clue. This is actually my favorite part of going to Costco with my mom. She should get an Academy Award for every time she farts and then plays like she didn't do it. She'll start lookin' around, everybody else is looking at eachother, it's basically like a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Some people even become animated and start pulling their shirts up over their noses. My mom just looks around like, "Oh dear, who farted?" She knows it's her! The least she can do is apologize.

The amazing part is my moms' ability to get her gas high up in the jet stream. Her farts have an unbelievable carry to them. It definately doesnt run in the family because my farts seemingly have a 2 foot radius about them. I'm lucky is somebody smells one of my farts. My mom's farts are like a towering, majestic Barry Bonds home run ball that lands into McCovey Cove. The distance they cover is truly amazing.

Then there's my dad who has his own defense mechanism. I call it, "Run For Your Life." The second my dad catches wind that his wife just cut the cheese, he makes a run for it! He'll be in the middle of a conversation and just bounce outta dodge. He Carl Lewis' out the door as if he's being chased by this haunted, golden brown cloud. The funny part is the minute my mom farts and my dad makes a run for it, 9 times out of 10 he looks like the guy who did it! I try to tell him it looks like a fart and run but he figures he looks guilty regardless.

It all came to a head this past weekend in Hawaii. We're boarding the plane and right when we take our seats the pilot comes on and says United Airlines is having some technical difficulty with the PCU unit or some . Oh, and the air condition doesn't work either. So we're sitting in this hot and humid airplane for an hour while they fix the problem, no air conditioning and the plane is jam packed with people. Real hot and stuffy. So what happens next? Of course my mom drops hammer!

No, this wasn't the Yumi Yogurt blast either. This was some straight up Hawaiian Lua dead animal type . I mean it was straight up rotten times 10 with a touch of coconut. At first I thought the smell was some kind of Islamic militant nerve gas. Seriously, I thought it was the in' Jihad! Plus, I saw a couple sketch looking guys sitting in row 23. Then I realized it was my mom because she was silently giggling. Oh I forgot to mention my mom giggles when she farts. She thinks it's funny.

So the whole plane just reeks of dead animal eggs, people are literally gagging, I heard the lady about 3 rows back say, "I can't take it anymore..." and believe me, she wasn't talking about the heat. I was sitting right next to her and I thought I was going to die.

from craigslist...

[reg_pfj]

Two guys are sitting around at the nudist resort for communists. The first guy asks the second "have you read Marx?"

"Yeah, I think it's these wicker chairs."

[Freebo]

# Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

# He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

# And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

# So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

# So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

# So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

# I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

# I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

# My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

# I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

# One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

[ocmyface]

hopefully it hasn't been posted:

a married man finally has the first night away from his wife in years so he decides to go to the bar and get smashed. he goes to a bar at the top of a skyscraper in NY and sits down next to this man. the man takes 4 shots of tequila in a row then jumps out the window of the bar and falls 50 stories to the ground. the married man freaks out and screams but seconds later the man comes out of the elevator and sits back down. he takes a few more shots and jumps out the window only to return in the elevator again. the married man is amazed and asks "How did you do that?" the man replies, "See, this tequila is magic. If you take a shot of it and jump out that window, you'll slow down before you hit the ground and land safely." So the married man, still feeling adventurous from his new freedom, decides to give it a try. He takes 4 shots in a row then dives out the window and splatters onto the street below. The bartender shakes his head then looks at the man and says, "You know what Superman, you're a d1ck when you're drunk!"