Joke Thread

[YanBooth]

whats cracking, b?

[Verisimilitude]

This guy runs into this bar, obviously in a very big hurry.

He yells to the bartender, "Give me a drink! I don't have much time!"

The bartender looks at him, and decides that this guy looks like hes about to die or go to jail, so he gives him a drink.

The man downs it in one gulp and yells, "Give me another! I don't have much time!"

The bartender obliges.

The man tilts his head back and drinks the whole thing in seconds.

He yells again to the bartender, "Give me another! I don't have much time!"

The bartender, alittle apprehensive, says, "Wait a second who is going to pay for all these?"

The man yells, "I've ran all out of time!" and dashes out of the bar.

[Judaeus Apella]

LOL

*rimshot*

Good one!

[Bulldog]

car commercial
>
> Some things ya just gotta see... Translate = to Need Glasses?


http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2...63722&hl=en>

[LordofDoom]

Make love, not war...
Or get married and do both!

[shimmishim]

a married couple decide that they need to save money. so the wife makes the husband give up drinking beer. the wife however goes out and buys $65 worth of make-up. the husband comes home and finds that his wife has just spent $65 on make-up. he asks... "what are you doing? why did you spend $65 for make-up". she replies... "honey, i just wanted to look good for you" and he says... "what do you think the beers were for?"

[RivalNeighbour]

The alien professor stands in front of his alien class. The alien professor says "each of you has a human subject before you and today you will learn two things. The first is you must be dedicated to learn. now do exactly as I do and insert your finger into the humans bottom." The students do. professor then puts his finger in his mouth and pulls it out and then so do the students. the professor smiles and says "the second thing you will learn is observation. if you would have noticed i put my middle finger in the humans bottom but i put my index finger in my mouth!"

[smopoim86]

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her.
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning

[Bulldog]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitchin rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

[DTU_XaVier]

GWB is visiting Saddam in Iraq for peace-talks... When he arrives, he notices 3 buttons on Saddam's chair, while there is no chair for him, so he stays standing..
A few minutes into the negotiations, Saddam pushes the first button. Out of nowhere, a boxing-glove hits GWB in the head. He starts thinking of ending the peace-talk, but decides against it.
After about half-an-hour more, Saddam pushes the next button. This time, a boxing-glove hits GWB in the stomach. He once more considers ending the negotiations, but yet again decides to continue.
Another hour passes by before Saddam pushes the next button. This time, a boxing-glove takes GWB squarely in the nuts. He crumbles on the floor, doubting wherever he should continue. But, seeing as there is no more buttons, he decides to stay for the ending.
After another 30 minutes, they end the talk, and agree to meet 2 days later in the white house.

When Saddam gets to Washington, he immediately spots the 3 buttons on GWB's chair. Once again, there is no chair for the visitor, so this time, Saddam stays standing.
After a few minutes, GWB pushes the first button. Saddam quickly ducks his head, but nothing happens. Slightly embarresed, Saddam straightens, and they continue.
After another half-hour, GWB pushes the second button. This time, Saddam sitesteps. When nothing happens, he again becomes embarresed, steps back to his original position, and they continue.
As the talk is wrapping up, GWB pushes the last button. Saddam immediately drops to the floor, screaming. When nothing else happens, Saddam once more stands, quite embarresed.

As they part, Saddam says: "Well, I must get back to my glorious capital, Baghdad"...
With a confused look on his face, GWB replies "What Baghdad?"

Best Regards

[Ramaistro]

Somewhere in the middle of the desert a man crashes with his plane, thankfully he survives and starts walking. Some hours later the man stumbels apon a very big black man with a spear, the big man walks towards him and gives him 2 choices. 1. all the man from our village will take you from behind 2. we will kill you. The man thinks hell no I don't wanna die so they will have to abuse me. So the man agrees some hours later he walks on again, and again he stumbles apon a big black man. This man also comes towards him and he also gives him 2 choices. 1. all the men from our village will take you from behind 2. we will kill you. The man has to think a little longer but hell he still doesn't want to die. So again he goes for option 1. And again a few hours later he's free again to move on. After strumbling thru the desert he walks into the 3 big black man. This man also gives him the 2 options, but this time the man answers: Hell you will have to kill me. So he is taken to the village and meets the chief. Chief: Ok, guys first take him from behind and then kill him.

Yeey

[aintz]

whats said "hi i'm a dog"

a talking dog


gwahahahaha

[Ramaistro]

Three men sitting at the pool as only ones left. Suddenly an angel appears to them. The angel says you may all jump of the diving board and make a wish where you want to land in...

First men gets up there stands on the edge and says: I wish the whole pool was filled with red whine... So he jumps and indeed he falls in a pool full of wine..

Second men is getting up and thinking what he will wish. When he is on the edge he knows he will wish for bear... So he jumps and indeed he falls in a pool full of bear..

Now the third men is getting realy excited. He knows what he will do, he will run of the diving board insteed of jumping in from the edge... So the man starts to run and just before the edge he slips "Sh*t" he says because of him falling... and indeed he lands in a pool full with Sh*t...

jay

[K404]

2 oranges walked into a bar.

One turned to the other and said "your round"






This thread needs more jokes

[Cpl Ledanek]

Okay, first read the cake....


then the paragraph under the picture







Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Walmart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

Sad but true - this actually happened.

[yonton228]

Whats red with 7 dents in it?



















Snow whites cherry!



-yonton228/timmy

[TedShred]

A polar bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender "may I please have a gin and....


.................



...................




....................




...............................


tonic?" And the bartender replies "Sure, but why the big pause?"

The polar bear says "I dunno, I've always had 'em"

[TedShred]

A guy phones a lawyer and asks "How much do you charge to answer 3 questions?" The lawyer says "$500." The guy cries "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!" To which the lawyer replies, "Yes. Now what's your 3rd question?"

[[cTx] Nooc]

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a glass of warm blood. The barman replies:

"I'm sorry, sir, this is a bar. We serve liquor and beer here."

The vampire, astonished, replies:

"Oh, I suppose I'll just have a glass of cold water than". He walks over to a table, sits down and drinks the water.

A second vampire walks into the bar and makes a request:

"You know, I think I will have a glass of warm blood tonight!"

The barman:

"Uh, sir, this is a BAR. We don't serve warm blood here. Sorry!"

"Oh, in that case, I'll just have a glass of cold water..."

The vampire drinks the water and leaves the bar.

A third vampire walks into the same bar and contemplates:

"Yeah...one glass of warm blood, please!"

The barman breaks down and starts yelling:

"OK, we serve beer, whiskey, rum, and gin here! It's a bar! Have you ever heard of warm blood being served at a bar?!"

The vampire nods and says:

"Oh, I'm sorry. Just give a glass of warm water"

The barman, slightly dazzled:

"Wait, two vampires walked in before you asked for cold waters, why do you want yours warm?"

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says:

"I'm making tea."

[Reckless187]

Two cowboys discussing sexual positions & first cowboy says, "I like the rodeo position" Second cowboy says "I've never heard of that one before, what is it" First cowboy says "You mount the girl from behind & cup her breasts in both hands & whisper in her ear "These titties feel almost as good as your sisters" Then you hold on for eight seconds" Yehaaaaaaaaaw!

[[cTx] Nooc]

[[XC] 2long4u]

A women goes into confession. She says I must confess my sins.
The priest says tell me my child.
The women confesses she has spoken 15 profain words the past week.
The priest tells her to say 20 hail marys and 15 our fathers for each profain word.
The women complies and admits there is something else.
The priest says what is it my child?
The women says I gave a man I've never met before a BJ last night.
The priest is in training and has never came across this situation before.
He excuses himself and tells the women he will be back in a minute.
He quickly runs to the other priest and and asks,
What do you give for a BJ?
The other priest replies, candy bar, and a coke usually.

[fart_plume]

Guys this IS a pg forum clean up the thread please!

[Xel'Naga]

Guys this IS a pg forum clean up the thread please!

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Besides, how many kids read this forum anyway?

[Xel'Naga]

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Besides, how many kids read this forum anyway?

Haha, these are really funny
Here are some more:

Your units are wrong! cried the teacher.
Your church weighs six joules — what a feature!
And the people inside
Are four hours wide,
And eight gauss away from the preacher!

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,
"If my ear were a , I could it."

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose XXXXX were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his XXX

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his XXX with the rabbit.