Xtreme Contests

[bogan]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Cyrus104]

Here is a joke:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "Listen Sonny, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel."

[yuri]

here is mine

#1

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there only for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing a parking ticket! So I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-di**ed Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a sh*t. My car was parked around the corner


#2

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[SAE]

The father comes home late in the night. There he is hearing a groaning from the room of his daughter. Procured he opens the door quietly and has to see, how she's masturbating with a banana. The other morning he lashes the banana to a cord and goes, pulling the banana behind himself, through the dwelling. When the daughter thereupon flushes, the mother asks, what that has to mean. Whereupon the father: "I am showing my son-in-law the dwelling...

[Dynamo]

okay now the basis of this story is true... i take some liberties so that it is just easier to tell the story

I am 9 years old. I get a hampster for my birthday. It isn't my first pet but it is the first one I actually try to take care of. I was playing with him one day in my house and I let him out of the clear ball so he can just run around on the floor instead of in the ball. My dad calls me into the living room for something, and when I go back my hampster is gone! Oh no! So I go on a little safari through my house to find my hampster... but I cant find him. I tell my dad, and although he is angry he isn't like totally pissed, so he helps me put out some food on a plate so to attract my hampster to the food. A few days passed and no luck. Then on the fifth day my mother hears some *munch munch munch* behind the cabinet baseboard. She buts a little pencil mark where she hears it the loudest. So my dad goes to get a holesaw (a holesaw is a drill-bit that goes on a drill that when you pull the trigger on the drill it goes through wood in a circle) and she checks one more time for the munch sound. she draws an X where it is so my dad goes 10 inches to the right and says, "remember you told me to drill here." he put the drill there and goes through the base board. when he pulls it out there is hampster guts and bones and stuff ALL OVER the holesaw :lol and obviously the hampster was dead . Now that is KINDOF the funny part. *this party is ALL TRUE!*One night on the radio (maybe you have heard of Ron and Fez?) they have a skit and contest on "Who has the most greusome pet story?" I call in and tell this and I won! I won a weekend trip to a ski resort, but back to the contest, when I tell them the part where he goes through the hampster, they all scream UGH AHH etc. SO funny, and then when no one can beat my story they say "Congradulations Kyle, YOUR DAD DRILLED YOUR HAMPSTER!!!!!!!" */this part is ALL TRUE*

[Conflict]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."




A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...






And this is by far the best joke i have ever heard and hopefully it isn;t considered offensive....Just funny representation of the times


Two Afghanistan buisnessmen are granted permission to bring their families and buisnesses to America shortly after the United States Military entered their country.

Upon entering the plane the two men decide to place bet on who would be more "American" in 1 year.

1 year later the younger of the two men shows up at the others door and waits for the man to answer. Upon him answering he states:

" I have for sure won the bet. I know Im more American, I own four stores now. My children are in public schools and look at my new Corvette"


The other man, wthout a smile on his face: " Get off my porch ya towelhead terrorist!!!!"

[Reflex1]

Best joke ever!

An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Pakistan : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"

Indian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Pakistan, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India.

The Pakistani has a smirk on his face. The Indian listens in silence.

The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Indian : "Of Course."

Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put

all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India ."

The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"

Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.

Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."

Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.

[This is not meant to be racist ...just funny ]

[Dapper]

Tax Time



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

[novagamer]

Here's a decent one It's pretty long though!


Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
Author: Daniel Meyer

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.

The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

[rundymc]

this isn't supposed to offensive to guys of african origin

There was this black guy- totally black, his clothes were black, his shoes, glasses, teeth, nails, palms, hair- when he walks in the middle of a road with no street lighting, all of the cars swerve to avoid him though they don't have headlights.

How did they see him?


It was daytime


another

a doctor, a poet, and an engineer were playing golf one bright day.
When arriving on the green to complete they're birdies (pretty good for amateurs) they notice a couple of guys wearing sunglasses taking their spot
Now these guys suck, they miss everytime
After 45 minutes of an agonising wait, they stop one of the staff members at the club and ask him- 'Son, what the HELL are those guys DOING?!!!'
the guy replies with tears in his eyes- 'Those men were once firefighters; a month ago we had a really bad fire at the convention hall, and these brave men went in at the height of the flames and rescued 8 of our secretaries. However, in the processes, they were permanently blinded by the flames, heat and smoke- Brave men indeed.' He then walked away
The doctor, awestrucken, said- 'Damn, those are brave guys.'
the poet said- 'Dude, if I were them, I'd ditch those people to burn- guys like those get props from me!'
The Engineer said-'Tsk, why can't those guys play at night?'

[cubic]

Jack was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for €50," said the pilot.

"Sorry, can't afford it," replied Jack.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be €100."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jack.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Yeah," said Jack "But you nearly had me there when my wife fell out!"

[Monarch]

- Ms., do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?

- ...no idea...?

- HAHA! I knew it!

[24infront]

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[arelion]

Sorry for my bad english, but I'll try as good as I can

A young boy enters the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a condom. He thinks it's a little bit embarrassing, so he decides to explain his purchase. "My girlfriend has finally invited me to her house for dinner tonight, and I'm sure that if everything goes right, she'll be mine tonight. Right before he's going to pay, he changes his mind and asks for another condom. He explains. "My girlfriend's sister flirts with me sometimes, and I'm sure she's interested in me aswell, so maybe i've got luck with her too. He takes some money from his pocket, but once again he changes his mind and asks for three condoms and tells the pharmacist that her mother is pretty young and actractive too, so I'll give it a try.

The night comes and they're all sitting around the table in the kitchen and they start off with a prayer. After the prayer, all of them except the boy who's still praying takes their forks and starts to eat. After a couple of long minutes, the girl whispers to the boy, "hey, I didn't know you were religious". The boy answers, "and I didn't know your faher was a pharmacist.

I hope you got it

[buff]

well, this didn't happen to me, but my bro did it.....(we are twins though)

We were
on vacation, and Dad was visiting one of his military friends. me and my bro were 7 years old, which means we were very goofy.....
Well, we went with dad, and got bored while dad talked about the good 'ole times flying F-15's etc. Well, me and my bro were playing around, doing what mischevioes boys do.....and rob had to go pee. Well, being a little boy having fun, he held it as long as possible. and when i say that I really mean it. By the time he decides he better go appease mother nature, it has turned into the I'm-not-going-to-make-it kind of urgency. So off rob races to the bathroom. And then, well waddya know, but his zipper is stuck. So he starts dancing around, trying to hold it while unsticking his zipper. Well, 7 year olds kinda loose their coordination when they have to go this bad, so its not going well for him. He finally gets his zipper down, pulls his whitey tighteys down, and lets ir rip. apparently he hadn't regained his ability to hold still, and misses big time. He sprays the wall all around the toilet, the sides of the toilet, and everything around. Well, the guy who lived there used the towel wrack to hang his military dress blues on, and they got sprayed too. infact, they were the main attraction. Well, being a 7yo, rob didn't tell anyone. So the next day, Mr. What-his-name puts his dress blues on, and goes to work.......and then notices the wonderful smell of urine all over him................

[24infront]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume
a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with
just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

[Riska]

This one day George Bush and Vladimir Puthin.
Got to the point where they found out of that the war is not in the ocean any more so they would destroy all of there submarines!!
And they disided to do it in England Because of there major steel production.

when the day finally came they got together and went out to the harbour to see all of the subs arriving into the ports!
Then Bush said to Phutin look can you see that sub comming there?
And Phutin said Yes.
Bush then told him that it was the top of the line in America in subs and it have been away for over 300 days an not once been op to the surface.
And no one died in it!
Then Phutin pointed to a Russian sub and said to Bush. Can you see that one?
Bush answered Yes.
It Has been away for almost 450 days and newer been in for supplys and newer been op to the surface!
and only one died and this was a suicide!!
Bush looke in anger at Phutin and said this was the last sub lets go home!
And then they heard a rumble and another sum came up .
Phutin asked Bush is this one of yours?
Bush said no!
Then the hatch opened and a German Uboot comander came op and shouted Sig heil.. Haben Sie diesel?????

[Attitudx]

An OSU fan, a Texas fan and an OU fan go into a restroom. After finishing the Texas fan washes from his shoulders to his hands. They look at him and he says in Texas they teach us to be thorough. The OSU fan gets done and washes his hands from the wrist down. He says in OKlahoma State they teach us to be efficient. The OU fan gets done and goes to walk out and the others look at him questioningly.

HE says At Oklahoma Univeristy they teach us not to pee on our hands

[4-n-zics]

I am a moderator at another forum and found this extremely funny. A new member started a thread about his new 2600+ and this was his first post:

yea... just got a 2600+ and i was wondering if the silver thing on the core is a thermal pad... cuz i tried scraping it off with a plastic knife and i can't get it to come off...

Unfortunately, that "silver thing" he was talking about WAS THE DIE.

[quicksilver98]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[quicksilver98]

Children of the Eighties
We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.

We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My LittlePonies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman.

Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.

Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Stringsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did they take the Snorks off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families, the Polka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?

We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool.

The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?

Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us.

We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.

[SAE]

A priest and a nun are playing table tennis. Every time the priest does not hit the ball, he says: "F**k, missed!", that gets the nun naturally enormous on the nerves. Therefore she says: "If you swear again, you should be hit by a lightning." Next time, as he missed again and swears nevertheless, the skys open and a lightning bursts out - hitting the nun. There's a deep voice roaring from above: "F**k, missed!"


In the senate of the United States it was discussed whether there are too many generals would in the army, and one came to the conclusion to introduce an anticipated retirement schedule of the following kind:
Each general, who announces his early retirement gets a decent pension and additionally a unique payment, whose height is determined in the following way:
The distance in centimeters of two arbitrary points on the surface of their body is multiplied by $1.000 and paid off.
Two weeks later there were three generals willing to retire. First was measured from the vertex to the sole, giving 1.90meters and gets paid $190,000. The second general places himself on the tips of the toe and stretches the arms, whereby he comes on 2.30meters and takes $230,000 with him home. When the third general is asked, between which points he wants to be measured, there he answers briefly and scarcely: "From the top point of my penis to right under my testicles."
The specialist sends him to the medical department where the measurement's gonna take place. There it is requested to undress. He lowers his trousers and the physician is astonished: "Oh my god, where are your testicles?" - "In Vietnam."

[shafty]

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?





Put him on stage with a white tiger. (vegas joke)


How do you know what time it is at Michael Jackson’s house.






When the big hand meets the little hand

[NeGe0]

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition in 1998 was keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. Entries did not have the élan of some previous ones, but are a worthy catalogue of stupidity, incompetence and had luck.

1. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 50 cm of water after squeezing headfirst through a 30cm-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 30 m cliff on his daily run.

3. In Buxton, North Carolina, a man died on a beach when a 2.5 m hole he had dug in the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him. People on the beach used their hands and shovels to get to Jones but failed. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, California, when he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused by the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) ramming into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. In Dahlongega, Georgia, 20-year-old Nick Berrena was killed when fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak-vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell Jr, 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head?on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing in their snowmobiles.

8. A seven-year-old boy fell off a 30m bluff near Ozark, Arkansas after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Honorable mentions

1. In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and hit pal Anotonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio Martyn Eskins was attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement. He declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stilter, 47, was hospitalized in Andover, New Jersey, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival includes five days of amateur bullfighting. No bull was killed, but dozens of amateur matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitized. Said one participant, `It's just one bull against a town of a thousand morons.'

Some more also-rans

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Jerry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions to his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a goodbye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. 'I'm still not sure why I did it,' she said later. ' I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds.' However, cabbie Vegas did see and lost control of his car, running over the kerb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly after and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with sour tasting foam. She ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. In La Grange, Georgia, attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cellphone removed from his rectum. 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,' he said later. 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode,' said Dr Dennis Crobe. 'Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. 'three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.'

4, In Tacoma, Washington, Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4.30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 12 m before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say,' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located.

5. Also in the state of Washington, a Bremerton couple, Christopher and Emily Coulter, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a large bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back and tore away Christopher's penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. 'Chris is just plain lucky,' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. 'Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage cause by the dog's teeth to the penis is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh.' Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb and Washington animal control has no plans to seize Rudy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ The winner ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the overwhelming winner is... Friedrich Riesfeldt. An overzealous zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, who fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 100 kg of excrement. Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. (Cops speak funny in Germany too!) 'With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before he was discovered.'

[uzairi]

To unlock this Easter Egg, start 3DMark and change the name of your project to "Holy Cow!", without the double quotes of course.

Then Just Run The Benchmark....