Contest Poll Who Wins

[chilly1]

The mods have narrowed the field down to these ten it is up to you the audience to pick the winner.

Pick the number of the joke you like best.

1

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

RestyleD

2

Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
Author: Daniel Meyer

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.

The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

novagamer

3



Elisha

4

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

24infront

5

4 men are playing golf one fine afternoon.
1 leaves to get some refreshments for the group.
The other 3 start talking about their sons.

The first one says, "Well, my son is making out great" he tells the others. He's a top broker and works for the biggest brokerage house on Wall Street. In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone a free $250K portfolio of stocks as a present. Look how good he's doing. I'm proud of my boy".......

The second one says, "So, your boy is doing good, but mine is doing better. He owns 10 high end sports car automobile dealerships across the country", "He got the top award in his field". In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone two free
cars, a Porche and a Bentley. Imagine giving 2 expensive sports cars as a present. You have to be on top of the world. I'm so, so proud of my boy...

The third father says, "I have all of your boys beaten" say the father. "My son owns the most profitable construction company in the whole country. He builds houses for the well to do. Most start at 2 million" he says. These houses are like sticks of gum to him he's doing so good. In fact, he just gave someone a $4 Million home as present for his lover. If he can give away $4 million, imagine how great he's doing" says the father with a gleam of pride in his eyes..

Finally, the 4th father returns. The other 3 fathers know his son is not doing too well, but they ask about him anyway. "So how's your son doing Ed?

"Well" the 4th father says, "my son is gay and is now a Go Go dancer in a club downtown". The other 3 fathers look at each other with a smile mocking the man.

"But, says the 4th father, "even though he's only a Go Go dancer, I'm proud of the friends he chooses in life. In fact, guys like him so much one gave him $250K in stocks, the other 2 free sports cars and one guy loves him so much he gave him a $4 million house...

TechTones

6



Detract

7

Jack was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for €50," said the pilot.

"Sorry, can't afford it," replied Jack.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be €100."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jack.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Yeah," said Jack "But you nearly had me there when my wife fell out!"

cubic

8

A Blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fungame?
The blond, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and
a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches her attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
She doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blond, and hands her $500.00.
She says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

All Kill3r

9

The father comes home late in the night. There he is hearing a groaning from the room of his daughter. Procured he opens the door quietly and has to see, how she's masturbating with a banana. The other morning he lashes the banana to a cord and goes, pulling the banana behind himself, through the dwelling. When the daughter thereupon flushes, the mother asks, what that has to mean. Whereupon the father: "I am showing my son-in-law the dwelling...

SAE

10

Once upon a time a rather wealthy business exec needed to head overseas for a week-long chairman session. Knowing his trophy wife had an extremely active sex drive, he knew he had to keep her 'occupied' while he was gone lest he find her with someone else.

The exec travels to the classiest sex-shop he can find and peruses the goods. The owner walks out from behind the desk to assist this obviously wealthy client.

"How can I help you sir?"
"Well, you see I need to be out of town for a week and I need to keep my wife 'busy' till I'm back."
"Well sir, we have these right here and..."
"No, no, I've looked at these, shed be bored within an hour."

Realizing this client needed something special, he motions him to follow him back to the counter. "This, my friend, is what your lady-friend needs." On top of the desk he plops down an old, musty smelling box with strange engravings on its lid.

"Is this some kind of joke? My time is valuable."
"No joke, senor~."

The owner clears off his desk, dusts the cover, and then says smartly: "Voodoo Penis, arise!" The lid flings open and a giant, strange looking black dildo hovers in mid-air. Light distorts around it, giving it an odd halo.

"Voodoo Penis, the door!" commands the owner.

All of a sudden this black instrument storms toward the door and begins pounding the keylock! Not much later the whole storefront is shaking from the force!

"Impressive."
"Yes senor, it does the trick. Voodoo Penis, the box!"

The massive tool reverses direction, flies toward its box, and lands with precision, lid closing immediately afterward. After a few minutes of instruction, the exec is on his way home for the last time this week.

"Now honey, all you need to do is say "Voodoo Penis, my vagina." and you should be set."

"Okay dear. Have fun on your trip, bring me something back!"

Well, the exec is gone for a few days and she becomes rather lonely. And a bit wanting for some action. Hours later she decides to give it a try.

Fingering the lid open, she stares at it and wonders why she hadn't done this earlier. "Voodoo Penis, my vagina!" she says, excitedly.

She hadn't felt this much pleasure in her life. She came, and came, and came again and felt wonderful. For awhile. Then she realized he never told her how to make it stop! Panicking, she tries a few meager commands.

"Voodoo Penis, stop!"
"Voodoo Penis, halt!"
"Voodoo Penis, quit!"

Nothing worked! Terrified, she throws her clothes back on, hops in the car, and heads toward the hospital. Meanwhile, the dildo is still at it, and as she orgasms more she swerves all over the road! A nearby policeman notices this and decides to pull her over.

"Maam, are you drunk?"
"No officer, I'm just.. uunnnh.. I'm being attacked by a Voodoo Penis! It wont stop banging me!"

The cop laughs.

"Yeah right lady. Voodoo Penis, my ass."

Hallowed

[FUGGER]

Good luck everyone, this is for the chiller

[chilly1]

bump.. Good luck all

[STEvil]

SAE and All Killer are reversed in the poll options as to which listed number is their joke.

[FUGGER]

Thanks Stevil, fixed

[d0m1n10n]

came all the way over to show support for my girl. Like the whole overclocking contest idea and will have to try doing it some time. Props to the site it is looking good. You know her joke is the best now just give her the damn chiller so she can kick some more ass.

[Conscript]

Seconded^^

[All Kill3r]

*runs off to grab my gaming community to vote for me*

:smileysex guess its not about whos jokes the funniest :smileysex

[OPPAINTER]

When does this Pole close, Chilly??


OPP

[Cader]

I'm a lil bit confused.

didn't you said that pix are not allowed?

[Elisha]

i thought it was pics without text.

[Kazoo]

Correct, Elisha. No pics only -- those with text are okay.

Thanks to all who entered the contest. It was very difficult to narrow it down to just these 10 -- and it kept me in stitches for days!

The poll will automatically end at 11:00 p.m. PST Sunday evening. Good luck to all!

[chilly1]

We decided to let the jokes that were pix stay as the jokes are text. Funny pics were not part of the contest.

Poll ends at 12 noon pst or when fugger gets up.

[cmb4787]

hey where is mine fugger hehe , i thought it was quite funny

[dobbz]

Go SAE!

i guess he just took a joke and put it through an English translation. totally mangled, but its funny as hell anyway.

[chilly1]

Congratulations to our winner with 50% of the vote, Elisha.

[FUGGER]

Congrats Elisha!!

Nice chiller you won, enjoy.

[saaya]

unstickied the thread to make room for new competitions