Okay... But you asked for it! I found a longer version of the Cat Diary. I'll also add what I found on the bird diary. I lost the page with all three on them.
Excerpts From a Cat's Diary:
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762... Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes filled with what they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Alas, due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured...for now.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....
Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can't stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the hope of suffocating them.
Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our sh*t. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in sh*t does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.
Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn't even believe me. I showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. "You know why that dog licks his nuts?" I said, "It's because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift." I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.
Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick, it's inhuman, it's what their great leader "Bob Barker" commands, but -- the Sphinx be praised -- I support it wholeheartedly!
Day 780 - Got stoned on cat nip tonight. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucenogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and I am the captor! Why haven't I seen this all before?
Excerpts From A Bird's Diary:
Day 983 - This morning one of my featherless slaves brought me a dish of canned fruit bits. Ick. Obviously someone has not been paying attention; this slave has not learned its lesson. I flung each tasteless piece against the wall with precision and then promptly overturned the dish. That was followed by a nap. I was then awakened by the sound of a slave mumbling about me while cleaning up the fruit bits. I decided to tweak the creature's skin for its insolence. I was rewarded with instant cries of contrition.
Day 994 - Today the slaves allowed the dog upstairs to accompany them while I granted them an audience; now that I know the dog's name, it should be worth a few laughs to see just how relatively intelligent canines are...NOT! The cat, on the other hand, is a nasty, smelly hairball. It wretches all over everything and mopes around. Today it wandered into my inner sanctum without my permission, before my agents could stop its entrance. I commenced shrieking at 20 decibels and beat my wings and flared my crest for added effect. The slaves are still trying to dislodge the cat from the ceiling.
Day 1003 - Today I am teaching the slaves to speak with me. This is trying my patience. No matter HOW clearly I enunciate, they keep saying the same thing over and over to me. How annoying. Since when did bring more apple slices become good bird ?!
Day 1115 - It's a lovely day and the slaves are carrying my portable palace outside onto patio to enjoy the good weather. The dog is amusing. I am calling the dog's name and he thinks its the male slave for him. I'm watching him press his sloppy wet nose against the glass, listening to his name being called. He's going crazy trying to obey the command...oops...almost fell off my perch laughing just now...
Day 1123 - This morning I observed the feline scratching the furniture while aloft on the curtain rod. I promptly sounded the Universal Avian Distress Signal. That nasty creature actually attempted to climb up the drapes to where I was seated! One of the slaves arrived just in time to catch the beast in the act and grab it by its nape and deposit it out the back door. Must have been the male slave; the cat was airborne there for a few seconds.
Day 1134 - Today I was good-naturedly minding my slaves' offspring. They were attempting to mimic my speech. How endearing. I climbed around on their heads and pretended to make a nest with their hair, which they perceived as a great honor. Indeed. They will make good and obedient servants one day, I think. Now, I just need to make it clear to them that they should dispense with the canine and the feline post haste...
Excerpts From The Diaries of a Dog & Cat
(There are a lot of versions of this, several with a bird, but I didn't want it to be a long read)
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