Xtreme Contests

[PMM]

One I heard today off our warehouse packaging chappie does a bit of auctioning and a right windup merchant.

The other night he's doing some auctioning just for fun and this time he's auctioning off a bundle of 5 Banana's

Anyway he sell's these banana's for £1.50 to a lady, He's know's this lady well, and know's she good for a laugh and a easy person to get (Joke wise).

Anyway he take's a banana away before she come's up on stage to collect.

On getting upon stage and receiving her bunch of Banana's she notice's only 4 and call's he him a robbing b4$$t3d in jest.

Anyway he reveal's the missing Banana and starts his gag... while she still up on stage.

Ron.. You know I study women alot and know from seeing them eat banana's what they like doing...

Lady.. OK

Ron.. Ok Young lady Start to open the banana

Lady.. Peal's 1st part of banana skin down

Ron.. Ok what have you just done

Lady.. Urmm pulled down ermm 1 part of the skin

Ron .. Ok carry on un peeling

Lady.. Peels 2nd bit down

Ron.. Ok what have you done

Lady.. Pulled 2 skins

Ron.. Ok carry on

Ron.. What have you done

Lady .. Pulled 3 skins

Ron.. Ok last one

Ron.. Ok what have you done...?

Lady.. Pulled 4 skins

Ron's ........ So you like pulling back 4 skins


Lady twigs after audiance cracks up and curse's him after realising he got her good and proper

And all in the fun he even get's her to suck the banana before returning back to the audiance.

[uzairi]

These are the names of the some romantic countries in the world.

H.O.L.L.A.N.D Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. Come Here….. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction.

[NeGe0]

Originally posted by uzairi
To unlock this Easter Egg, start 3DMark and change the name of your project to "Holy Cow!", without the double quotes of course.

Then Just Run The Benchmark....

I thought when you do this and run the game demo...it changes everything to hills and then there are flying cows all around.

[amilian]

Reportedly a true story.... got this one from an old board I used to frequent.

"Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little rugrats. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate-of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you—in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-ltalian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress ...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good chit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a chit.

I went to the normal stall In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began “The Move.

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain “The Move.� Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of chit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the chit stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into “The Move� when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little chithead attending kids night; it was mounded up in the comer so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over chiting no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since ting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of “30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi� or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of chit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The chit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the chit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of chit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomitt ...
While all the ting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside ... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in chit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquidchit. All while thick chit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no f---ing toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom- He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants,- a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing.

She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left. The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little # kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains, toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom.

I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door"

[thesaucier]

A chicken rancher lost is prize roster and goes to the ranch down the road to buy a
new roster. The rancher says yep I need a good roster to keep my chickens happy
if you know what I mean. The man says will I have two for sale one is a good bird
at a fair Price the other is really incredible but he will cost you. Will the rancher says
I need a good roster so I will take the incredible one and pays the man. The man
says o by the way he was so good we called him Rudy. The rancher take the cage
with Rudy and drives back to his ranch. When they arrive the rancher says Rudy
we have a lot of chickens here so take your time, pace your self. The rancher then
puts the cage with Rudy in it on the gound and opens the cage door. Rudy flies out
so fast that he looks like a lightening bolt and heads strait for the hen house. There
were chickens clucking and feathers flying as the rancher watched in amazement.
Then like a flash Rudy bolted out of the hen house and dashed to the pond filled
with ducks. Absolutely astonished the rancher watched as ducks were quacking
and feathers flying and thinking I just hope he can he this up.The rancher then went
about doing his chores. Later in the day the rancher turned the corner only to see
Rudy lying motionless on his back in the field with vultures circling above. The
rancher calling Rudy Rudy o my poor Rudy running to his roster. As he got close
while calling Rudy. Rudy lifted his head and said Quite dam it there getting closer.

[X-Ecutioner]

Ok,

a 12-year old walks into a brothel, dragin along a dead toad on a string. The owner tells him he seems to be a bit too young, but the boy tells him he`s gota lota cash...
Seeing all the money, the owner tells him to choose a girl.
The boy asks if theres one with a real bad sexually transmitted disease.
After thinking about telling him which one he should pick in this case for about one minute, the owner tells the young boy to go and pick nancy.

Nancy and the 12 year old go upstairs and after 20 minutes he comes back downstairs.
Just before he left the building the owner stops him and asks why the hell he wanted one with a horrible disease.

the boy- "Well , back home my babysitter will be waiting for me. I know she likes young man ... we will do it for sure. Later my dad will drive her back home ... and do her on the backseat. Late night my dad will do it with my mother. Tomorrow morning my mother will do it with the milkman ...
AND THAT´S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY TOAD!


(tried to translate it ... hope you get it )


and another one :P :

A guy gets told there`s a whore that can sing while doin a blowjob. he gets curious and 2 days later he visits the whore.
He pays here and the "show" starts ... as promised she s***s his d*** while singing, but only with the lights turned off.
Cuz he`s curoius how she can do that he visits her again, but this time he wants to turn on the lights while shes singing....

well again shes singing while doin a bj ... so the guy turns on the light ... the first thing he sees is a glass-eye (eye made of glass) on the shelf next to him ...


some people need while to get it ... take your time :P

X

edit:

A teacher who`s teachin people the right behaviour (dunno what its eaxactly called) is teaching in a boarding school for girls.
- "Men always go up the stairs in front of the women. Why is that so?"
embarrassing(ed?) silence until one girl stands up and says :
-"That`s easy, the woman can`t know in which story the man lives."

[9mmCensor]

Long time lurker, first time poster....

Here in Canada Newfoundlanders are regarded for being slightly less intelligent than the rest of Canada. There nickname is newfie.

There is this Newfie in a bar, and he sees this beautiful woman. He downs his pint, and goes up to her.
"You are really beautiful, will ya let me kiss ya," he says.
"Sorry buddy, I have a boyfriend," she replys.

He goes back to the bar and puts back a few more pints and returns with the liquid courage to ask her one more time.
"Your so hot I just want to lick your body all over," he says, half tanked.
"Look buddy I have a bodyfriend and he huge, you say anything else to me and he will beat the living sh*t out of you, so go away and leave me alone," the girl replies.

So he goes back to the bar and starts working on some whiskey shots.
He stumbles back to her and declares,
"Your so damn hot, I just want to fill your :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: with beer and drink it."
This is when she gets really mad, "Thats it buddy, you'd better take off because I am getting my boyfriend and he's gonna kill you," and she storms off.

She finds her boyfriend who is huge, with massive pipes, playing pool, "Whats wrong babe?" he asks.
"This guy has said some horrible things," she tells him.

"He said he wanted to kiss me."
Her boyfriend starts rolling his sleaves up.
"He said he wanted to lick my body."
He starts cracking his knuckles ready to pound this guy.
"He said he wanted to fill my :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: with beer and drink it."
To her dismay, her boyfriends stops cracking his knuckles and rolls his sleaves down.
"What," she says, "you arent going to beat him up?"
"No way babe, I aint gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."

[OCNewb]

This is a true story that happened to my roomate in college! We will call him Mike in this story.

Anyway, Mike was at a bar in New York visiting some friends when he had one of those miller moments and began telling a story about a ski trip up in lake tahoe, california. He and his friends had just completed a long day of skiing and they were heading down the mountain in his old monte carlo, a car that resembles a pick-up truck. As they were heading down, they saw this hitchhiker walking and being the good samaritans they were, decided to give him a ride. He had to hop on the back of the monte carlo as their was no more room in the cabin. Everything was going smoothly on their trip down until Mike realized that the brakes of the old Monte Carlo wasnt working! Naturally they begin to freak out as they were speeding down the mountain at about 50mph and had no way of stopping!

Mike's friend yells, "%$$, pull the f*cking hand brake man!" Mike responded by yanking the brake lever up, but he pulled it up so hard that the whole transmission fell out from underneath the car! You have to realize now that at this point there were no brakes, they were still tobogganing down the mountain at high speeds, and they had no transmission at all. Mike and his friends just look at each other, and Mike screams, "Make like the transmission and bail man!" and they promptly jumped from the car, the snow luckily cushoning their fall! When they got up a few minutes later, they made sure they were all right and thanked god for their miraculous survival. It was at this moment that they remembered the hitchhiker in the back of the monte carlo, and they began running down the hill looking for him. The monte carlo had rolled onto one of those runaway car inclines and had crashed into a pile of snow. When they got to the man, he was conscious but needed an ambulance.

At this point in the story, a man in the bar located in the big apple all the way at the other end of country from california yells "You little :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:, that was you!" And sure enough, it was the hitchhiker on that faithful day!

[Cow2kie]

PC tech story (true story)
(shortened version)
An older gentlemen calls up saying he can not get his mouse to work. Of course the first thing was to check to make sure its plugged in. After some more questions I ask him to right click his mouse on the desktop to see if anything pops up. SO he does that and something does pop up. So the mouse is working, just not the movement. After some more questions. I realize the man is holding the mouse way up in the air trying to move it around. I laughed so hard after I got off the phone with him. Just imagine someone holding their mouse in the air trying to move it around.

[zakelwe]

Originally posted by chilly1
[B]Contest One:
Make The Mods Laugh

Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?


Regards

Andy

[LDK]

OK there it goes:
There was this person that is going out of the country. So he got his passport to take the plane. Arriving at the airport, he didnt feel well so he went in the bathroom to . While ting, he accidently fell the passport in the stuff... So he pick it up and since he was in hurry, he didnt have time to wash it so he just dryed it. He went in front the people there that check the passport. That person says: Where are you going and why this passport sticky and tastes funny?, while licking his finger changing page by page....

Hope you understand it...

[Mini]

Saddam hussein and his chaufeur were driving around the country side when all of a sudden they hit a pig... Saddam said: "Go to the guys house and tell him what happened".

So he went up and knocked on the door, a man answered the door... Well saddam had been waiting for a VERY long time, when the chauffeur came back and he asked "Why did it take so long"

Well i told him "Hello, im saddam husseins driver and i just killed the pig"

So he gave me his best bottle of whine let me sleep with his daughter and his wife made me a great dinner...


Hehe i just got this story told, its not super funny and i know it wont win but what the heck...

One of my dads friends just called and didnt understand that when he tried to delete his emails(hotmail.com) then when he pressed the back button in IE6 they were just back...

And all of a sudden there came a popup with some guy called "Hobbles" and sometimes he was there in days and days... So he said: "Do you think they are spying on me???" "Maybe its my ex-wife???"

Hehe...

Good jokes by the way from rest of you ;o)

Ill be back with more jokes later on... Im a bit sick so i hope i get better b4 its over..

[Massamune]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said...

"Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Dave???"

[Mini]

Little mike wants to go to a carneval(Tivoli in denmark if you have been there :P)So he asks his dad: "Can i get some money to go to the carnival??"

And his dad says: "Sure son, but first you have to suck my ****"

So he start and then all of a sudden stops and says: "Dad why does it taste like ???" Dad: "Well son your sister wanted to go to the movies..."

[Tok-ra]

Cannibals Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

[Tok-ra]

Vampire Tea

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.

The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

[Tok-ra]

i have a friend that is messed up in the head. he's really smart, overly organized, and just plain out an overachiever... nothing wrong with that.

i think he lost his virginity when he was 21/22, and it must have been a bad situation. all i ever hear this guy talk about is sex (thankfully i don't see him that often). he did, however, work for clinton... but then bush too... so who knows.

anyway, he's in lawschool and came out with us last night. he tells me this story: (guy has never had sex w/o a condom)

so he had this girl he was messing around with in january. he kept telling her he wanted to , but she kept giving him the handjob. so one night they were all lubed up (entire bodies) and he got on top. went to town.. no condom. didn't know what it would feel like, but he liked it. so he blows his load and, for some dumb reason (i hope this is the only time he's said it after) he asks her "So, how many guys have you had sex with including me?" she loses it. laughing so hard she almost falls off the bed. he asks what she's laughing at. she explains that they haven't had sex, he was just humping her leg!

[Mini]

two italian tourists were travelling in train in USA. In front of them sits and old woman, who cannot avoid hearing what they say:
first emma come, then I come, then there is two asses put together and then I com again. Then the asses are there again and then I pee twice and I come again.

The old woman is very shocked about their language and says:
Young men! Here in america we dont talk so freely about sexlives.
The young italian replies:
But I was only trying to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi.

[twilius_basic]

OK here's my bid, I got a lot of laughs out of it, so did the whole family, so I hope you guys enjoy I'll think twice before I become a brick-layer now

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

"I'm writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that i had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly more than 500 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my suprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-William

[cmb4787]

true story bout six months ago this happened
its early august and quite hot outside, we just ran out of fireworks and were board. We found a bottle of corona some gas and a lighter, a molotov was made and trown into a parking lot, it was all we expected and after seeing the excitement went home

two days later we went back to the parking lot of the building, my friends climbed on the building with a rope ladder and me and another stayed on the ground and waited. The said well be right back, they ran to my house and got a powerful flashlight(we saw an open window) we started yelling at the open window
"what the are oyu doing up there giving each other handjob"
we kept yelling and well, it got worst and worst. My two friends sneak over the window and drop down the rope ladder, all the time we are singing and dancing bohemian rapsody as we have pnoticed that a camera is stickingo out the window, my friends idea is to snacth the camera while we are distrating them but while we are dancing the camera dissapears to our surprize. My friends then get off the building because they get the idea it may be cops but that does not stop them. My friends form a totem pole leading to the window so a friend can jump in but, the fall and my friend lands on his tailbone form around 15 feet. We decide we should call it a night, but not before wipping our shirts around and yelling obsanities, then we do it, we bolt, the yell police , we get tackled , arrested abused and i have 6 months of probation left now, well its not that bad but it was funny looking back, going to jail tho, that was not fun

[xDUCK]

my entry (its worth the long read!)

Once upon a time, in a small italian village, lived a short, red haired, freckled little kid named Guiseppe who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere. He had cd's of circus music, a clown alarm clock, a clown costume, and clown sheets for his clown themed bed.

One day Guiseppe was walking home from school when he noticed a colourful ad on the front page of the Olive Times - the circus was coming to town! Guiseppe was ecstatic. He asked his parents if he could go, and they agreed, but only if he paid for his ticket himself. For the next three weeks, Guiseppe mowed his neighbors' lawns, trimmed his neighbors' hedges, and took out his neighbors' garbage. Slowly but surely, he gathered up the 20,000 Lira for the ticket to the circus! The next week felt like the slowest of Guiseppe's life, as he passed by the circus being erected on his way to school every day.

The day finally came, and Guiseppe woke up to the sound of his clown alarm clock and sprang out of bed. He put on his favourite clown shirt, put on his bright red clown shoes and nose, and hopped into his bright yellow clown pants. He grabbed his ticket money from his clown dresser and ran out the door. He could hear the music all the way from his doorstep! He followed the sound for 6 blocks and turned the corner. It was there! Guiseppe started running harder and faster with exhuberant determination.

Guiseppe blacked out. When he came to, he looked up and realized he had sprinted 22 blocks from his house. He was exhausted. He was beat. He was desperate. He had been wearing his hot, sweaty clown costume the whole time. He turned around and much to his surprise, he had arrived! Guiseppe scurried up to the ticket counter and waited in line for several hours. He was excited to get inside, but he didn't mind the wait - he liked the break from running. Finally, the blonde woman in front of him purchased her ticket and the man in the box office leaned out to see him. "Why hello there, son!" "Hello!", replied Guiseppe, barely containing his excitement. He pulled out the money he had saved up for his ticket and placed it on the counter. The man tore a ticket off of the spool and handed it to Guiseppe; he was in!

Guiseppe ran inside the theater, he saw the concession stand but realized he had no more money. Dejected, he put his hands in his pockets and started heading for the main tent. Much to his surprise, he pulled out 2,500 Lira bill! He rushed over the counter and bought a huge red & white bucket of popcorn with extra melted butter and a large coke with extra ice. He had the butter on the popcorn layered, like Guiseppe liked (after all there's nothing worse than 5 buttery kernels and the rest of the bucket being dry).

Guiseppe skipped into the inside of the big tent (which he assumed was the main one) and took a seat in the very center of the very front row. He waited several minutes.

The lights lowered and Guiseppe let out an excited sqeal as the elephants walked on stage, followed by the monkeys and the armadillos. The trapeze artists flew in from the top of the tent, and the fire eaters set the tent ablaze with applause! Finally, the clowns ran in and the audience went wild! Guiseppe was grinning from ear to ear (after all the clows were his very favourite part of the circus) as he watched them move around the audience, shaking people's hands, tripping, squirting people with fake flowers, and generally being the mischevious clowns Guiseppe loved.

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights blacked out. A drumroll echoes through the stadium and a single spotlight appeared in the very center of the stage. The air was tense... as the head clown stepped onto stage! He went through his routine, telling jokes and puns, until finally a small round stool was brought onto stage by a fellow clown. A hush fell over the stadium and the head clown asked the audience for a volunteer. Guiseppe's hand SHOT up and he almost passed out when the head clown chose him.

Guiseppe ran down the stands, hopped onto the stage, and sat down on the stool. "What's your name, son?" the clown asked. "Guiseppe!", the boy replied. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's face?" Confused, Guiseppe replied "No, sir.". The clown exclaimed "Then you must be it's ASS!" The crowd roared with laughter, but Guiseppe was horribly embarassed. He was crushed. He was mortified. He could not believe he had just been betrayed by his lifelong hero. He jumped off the stool and sprinted all 22 blocks back home.

When he got inside, he ran straight to his room and started tearing down all his clown posters, throwing away his clown books, and basically ruining all his assorted clown paraphenalia. He sat down on the ground and started crying.
Hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. One summer day, while reading through the paper, Guiseppe noticed that the circus was coming to town again. He got to thinking - 'why should one clown ruin my view of the circus?'. After some further pondering, Guiseppe resolved to overcome his past and visit the circus once more.

Again, he sprinted 22 blocks from his house and arrived at the circus. It was bigger this time, but still retained the same charm that only a circus could exude. He purchased his ticket, went inside, and bought a large popcorn with extra butter and a large coke with extra ice. Again, he had the popcorn layered because it's far more delicious that way.

Guiseppe went inside and took a seat in the middle of the 3rd row. The animals and jugglers started coming out, and he realized that he was having quite a good time. He regretted wasting all these years, refusing to go to the circus based on that one clown's actions!

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights went dark. A single spotlight appeared in the center of the stage. The head clown walked on, and Guiseppe realized that it was the same clown that had tricked him on that fateful day, years and years ago! Guiseppe was furious, but he could not resist volunteering for the clown's bit, just to see if he would recognize Guiseppe, and whether he was still doing the same joke. Sure enough, the head clown asked for a volunteer, Guiseppe put his hand up quickly, and was chosen. He ran down the stands and hopped onto the stage, where he sat down on the stool. "Tell me, young man - what is your name?" "Guiseppe!", he replied. The clown seemed to remember the name, but in his long years performing, he had heard pretty much every name, so he thought nothing of it. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's head?" Guiseppe rolled his eyes and replied "No, I suppose not." "Then you must be it's ass!" The crown roared with laughter. Guiseppe was again humiliated and ran home.

Over the next few weeks, Guiseppe planned his revenge. He was furious! The NERVE of this clown! Who did he think he was? Guiseppe vowed revenge!

Again, years passed and Guiseppe had built quite a name for himself. He had gone to Clown College, where he graduated at the top of his class, receiving a doctorate in funny, with hilarious honours. Wherever Guiseppe went, people laughed at his hilarious antics and humorous anecdotes. Still, there was his nagging bitterness towards clowns.

Guiseppe once again noticed an advertisement for the circus in the newspaper. He knew what he had to do. He hopped in his car and drove over to the circus. He purchased an adult ticket and went over to the concession stand, where he bought a small popcorn and a small coke. He rushed inside and realized the clown had just asked for a volunteer; This clown was STILL doing the same bit! Guiseppe sprinted onto stage, put down his popcorn and drink, and sat down on the stool. Not wanting to interrupt the show, the clown played along and assumed this man simply very much wanted to volunteer. "What's your name, sir?" "Guiseppe!", he replied. The clown again remember the name, but thought nothing of it. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's face?" "NO!", replied Guiseppe, irritated. "THEN YOU MUST BE IT'S ASS!" exclaimed the clown. The audience erupted into laughter, of course, but this time Guiseppe stood up and motioned the audience to be quiet. A hush fell over the stadium and Guiseppe realized his moment had come. He was about to do what he wanted to do all these years. It was time! All those years at Clown College, all his plots for revenge, all the time spent agonizing and reliving his humiliation over and over, culminating in this one moment. It was destiny.

Guiseppe turned the clown, took a deep breath, and said "F*ck you, clown!".









PS:
And yes, I just typed that out. And it took an hour.

Edited by Kazoo for language

Second edit (by xDUCK): It's the punchline, it's not funny if you have to stop to decode it for 5 seconds.

[Hallowed]

Ah, good thread!

Once upon a time a rather wealthy business exec needed to head overseas for a week-long chairman session. Knowing his trophy wife had an extremely active sex drive, he knew he had to keep her 'occupied' while he was gone lest he find her with someone else.

The exec travels to the classiest sex-shop he can find and peruses the goods. The owner walks out from behind the desk to assist this obviously wealthy client.

"How can I help you sir?"
"Well, you see I need to be out of town for a week and I need to keep my wife 'busy' till I'm back."
"Well sir, we have these right here and..."
"No, no, I've looked at these, shed be bored within an hour."

Realizing this client needed something special, he motions him to follow him back to the counter. "This, my friend, is what your lady-friend needs." On top of the desk he plops down an old, musty smelling box with strange engravings on its lid.

"Is this some kind of joke? My time is valuable."
"No joke, senor~."

The owner clears off his desk, dusts the cover, and then says smartly: "Voodoo Penis, arise!" The lid flings open and a giant, strange looking black dildo hovers in mid-air. Light distorts around it, giving it an odd halo.

"Voodoo Penis, the door!" commands the owner.

All of a sudden this black instrument storms toward the door and begins pounding the keylock! Not much later the whole storefront is shaking from the force!

"Impressive."
"Yes senor, it does the trick. Voodoo Penis, the box!"

The massive tool reverses direction, flies toward its box, and lands with precision, lid closing immediately afterward. After a few minutes of instruction, the exec is on his way home for the last time this week.

"Now honey, all you need to do is say "Voodoo Penis, my vagina." and you should be set."

"Okay dear. Have fun on your trip, bring me something back!"

Well, the exec is gone for a few days and she becomes rather lonely. And a bit wanting for some action. Hours later she decides to give it a try.

Fingering the lid open, she stares at it and wonders why she hadn't done this earlier. "Voodoo Penis, my vagina!" she says, excitedly.

She hadn't felt this much pleasure in her life. She came, and came, and came again and felt wonderful. For awhile. Then she realized he never told her how to make it stop! Panicking, she tries a few meager commands.

"Voodoo Penis, stop!"
"Voodoo Penis, halt!"
"Voodoo Penis, quit!"

Nothing worked! Terrified, she throws her clothes back on, hops in the car, and heads toward the hospital. Meanwhile, the dildo is still at it, and as she orgasms more she swerves all over the road! A nearby policeman notices this and decides to pull her over.

"Maam, are you drunk?"
"No officer, I'm just.. uunnnh.. I'm being attacked by a Voodoo Penis! It wont stop banging me!"

The cop laughs.

"Yeah right lady. Voodoo Penis, my ass."

[John Cena]

Me myself is A story and it is clearly true that IT SHOULD BE I JOHN CENA THE WINNER OF THIS PRIZE.

[drews]

Ok here is mine -

One day while driving home, I was doing about 80 -85 on the local interstate. Then a police car car gets on at an exit, and everyone slows down the speed limit. Then the cops gets out infront of everyone, and starts doing about 90mph. I get on his right rear bumper. We go along for a long while, and then he finally looks in his review mirror. He slams on the breaks (probably trying to get behind me and pull me over) (also keep in mind that this guy is not on a call - no lights no siren, and the speed limit is 65). Well, Im not about to get a ticket for 25mph over, so I slam on the breaks too. We keep going like this until we get down to like 55 on the interstate, and I say screw this and finally pass him. As I drive past he is looking at me waving his arm in a large downward motion, and I could see him saying "SLOW DOWN!!". I get off a few exits later, and my dad calls - who is Head of the Swat Team for our area, and like one rank below cheif of police. Well, he asks me how my day went, and if anything else exciting happened. I casually mention, "Oh yeah, Car 295 was doing 90 on the interstate and not on a call". "Oh really? Ill have a little talk with him when he gets back to the sation", say my dad.

Such a great story.... and all true. My friend was in the car with me, and can confim it.

[runmc]

Originally posted by zakelwe
Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?


Regards

Andy

Andy my friend, Can you explain your question????



Did you turn in an entry yet??

Good luck to everyone.