Xtreme Contests

[TechTones]

4 men are playing golf one fine afternoon.
1 leaves to get some refreshments for the group.
The other 3 start talking about their sons.

The first one says, "Well, my son is making out great" he tells the others. He's a top broker and works for the biggest brokerage house on Wall Street. In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone a free $250K portfolio of stocks as a present. Look how good he's doing. I'm proud of my boy".......

The second one says, "So, your boy is doing good, but mine is doing better. He owns 10 high end sports car automobile dealerships across the country", "He got the top award in his field". In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone two free
cars, a Porche and a Bentley. Imagine giving 2 expensive sports cars as a present. You have to be on top of the world. I'm so, so proud of my boy...

The third father says, "I have all of your boys beaten" say the father. "My son owns the most profitable construction company in the whole country. He builds houses for the well to do. Most start at 2 million" he says. These houses are like sticks of gum to him he's doing so good. In fact, he just gave someone a $4 Million home as present for his lover. If he can give away $4 million, imagine how great he's doing" says the father with a gleam of pride in his eyes..

Finally, the 4th father returns. The other 3 fathers know his son is not doing too well, but they ask about him anyway. "So how's your son doing Ed?

"Well" the 4th father says, "my son is gay and is now a Go Go dancer in a club downtown". The other 3 fathers look at each other with a smile mocking the man.

"But, says the 4th father, "even though he's only a Go Go dancer, I'm proud of the friends he chooses in life. In fact, guys like him so much one gave him $250K in stocks, the other 2 free sports cars and one guy loves him so much he gave him a $4 million house...

[Evil_Spork]

entry:


So a baby seal walks into a club...


/entry

[SAE]

True story told by my electronics professor:

There was a man waking up in the morning and wanting to get off the bed. Putting his naked
left foot on the floor he noticed, there must be something wrong.

There was a :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:ling feeling, like there was electicity all over the floor...

He called his neighbor (fortunately phone was next to the bed) to come over and see what's wrong there...

The neighbor said 'okay', he's gonna come and see.

So the man was waiting, laying in bed... 30minutes passing... nobody arrived yet.

Then he called back to the neighbor's and got his wife come over to see, if everything's fine and
where her husband is.

After another 45minutes of restless waiting the man finally called the fire brigade.
They found both the neighbors laying on the ground, dead!!!

The floor was flood with water, and the was electricity everywhere because of that...

The error the man made had been found really quick. Obviously he hammered nails (for framed pictures) into the walls
directly where the pipes/cables for 230V-power plug socket went along (behind the wall).

Really weird, huh???

[Dominos]

"Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don't care, me don't cry, me just happy cow can't fly!"

[quote]

Originally said by some stupid guy at my school
Once, when me and my friends were tuning my snowmobile, we tested to put some rocketfuel in the tank So we did and the engine got so much power that it blew the ignition system through the tank But we got it started later and it must have had atleast 400BHP couse it almost flew over the snow at 250km/h!

the second one is a true story, I mean there is a guy who said it, not that it actually happened The snowmobile in question was an Lynx Enduro 440 thats about 10 years old, what I always wondered was how he got the ignition system to go through the tank? The gas tanks on the otherside of the engine!

[Camelot One]

Now that all of the legal issues have all been resolved, this is a funny story to me. (though it got ugly for awhile)
I build custom computers. I once had a client (son of a client actually) stop by my place to pick something up, and he saw my water cooled rig. He was very impressed, and being the rich brat he was, convinced daddy to buy him one.

He wanted it all, so I decked it out. AMD 2500+ with a 226W Pelt, hand made water cooler, etc. Beautiful system. 3 weeks after I delivered it, I get a call saying it was broken, and that I needed to replace it.

So I went to their home to do a quick once over, thinking maybe he had just knocked something loose. What I found was a giant hole in the ClearFlex tube coming off the water block, and the strong stench of WaterWetter on everything.

To make a long story short, the guy thought the fans in the cooler were too loud. (2 120mm Panaflo-H's on 7V) So he unplugged them. "All of a sudden the computer just kept shutting off. I got on my dad's and went to that site you told me about, and found this thing on turning off thermal protection, so I did that, and it booted up for a few minutes"

It booted because he left it off while he read the forums, thus the water cooled a bit. After turning off thermal protection in the bios, he tried gaming on it. It kept blue screening, but he just wouldn't give up. Just kept booting and rebooting, until all of a sudden the water got hot enough to blow a line, spraying the water heated by the pelt +CPU all over everything inside the case. Must be a warranty issue right?

[fooforon]

Sorry about its length but, It's good and prefect place for this joke/story

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!



Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

Jamie

[runmc]

WOW,

This contest is taking off like "CRAZY"

COOL!!!

Good Luck to everyone.

[Teus]

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage ,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children...
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[SAE]

Bill Gates at McDonalds

Gates: I'd like to have a BigMac.
Salesman: A BigMac, a Coke. That's 6,90.
Gate: I only ordered a BigMac!
Salesman: The Coke belonged to it, is part of a total package.
Gates: What? I do not pay the Coke!
Salesman: You don't need to. The Cola is free.
Gate: But didn't the BigMac cost alone 3,90 so far?
Salesman: Right, but the BigMac has now new capability characteristics. It has a Coke in the scope of supply!
Gates: I just had a Coke a few minutes ago. I do not need another one now.
Salesman: Then you'll get no BigMac.
Gates: Okay, I pay 3,90 and do without the Coke.
Salesman: One cannot seperate the parts of the total package. BigMac and Coke are smoothly integrated.
Gates: Rubbish! BigMac and Coke are two different kinds.
Salesman: Wait. (he dips the BigMac into the cup of Coke.)
Gates: What's that?
Salesman: That's in the interest of the customer, then we can guarantee a uniform taste in all components.




Another one:

Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago ago I had my 45th birthday and felt not very well at all. I went down to have breakfast and knew that my wife would be very nice, she'd say "Happy birthday" and perhaps also had a small gift for me.

She did neither say "Good morning", nor even a "Happy birthday" at all. Okay, I said to myself, well, it's the women. But the children surely did not forget it... The children came, also not saying a word ignoring me completely.

When I put myself on the way to the office, I felt rather depressed. I went through the entry door of my office and Monica, my secretary, came to me saying: "Happy birthday, boss", and I felt a little better, at least one had remembered it.

I worked until noon. Punctually, Monica knocked on my door at 12 o'clock and meant: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, nevertheless let's have lunch together, only you and me!" I answered: "That's the best idea by far I heard today..." So we went. We did not go into our usual restaurant, we drove out of the town to the country to a small cosy restaurant in order to have little privatsphere. We drank two Wodka-Martini and enjoyed the outstanding meal.

On the way back to the office Monica said: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, we don't have to get back to the office yet, do we?" - "No, we don't", I said. "Well, then let's go to me, into my dwelling", suggested Monica.

When we arrived in her apartment, we drank some more Wodka-Martini and smoked a joint. Monica then said: "If it's okay for you, I would be glad to dress something more comfortable. I only have to go into the bedroom, I am back here immediately." I only could an excited more gasp an excited "Sure, do so, do so...!" and she disappeared in the bedroom. Some minutes later she came back again, carrying a birthday cake in her hands, followed from my wife, the children and all sang "Happy Birthday". And I sat there on the couch and wearing nothing except my socks ...

[pythagoras]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[teezer]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."
"and just what do you do with a 6 foot ?" he asked
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

[Tok-ra]

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[Tok-ra]

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."


"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

[bogan]

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?





They both go into kiddies rooms and unload their sacks..

[Tok-ra]

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[kristos]

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.

Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.

What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.

How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.

Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.

How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks

How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.

How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?

What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.

[teezer]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the
house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as
I am?'...and, she's always sound asleep!"

[Tok-ra]

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[mrbios]

dog walked into a pound.....exchanged it for a dollar

ok yea that ones crap better one:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

:smileysex

true story:
once when i was younger i used to escape my small play area thing (was about 2-3 years old) and always used to run aound the house, but one day they door was open and i managed to get out........made it about half a mile away before any one realised i was on my own...........also after about quater of a mile i managed to become a nudiest and lose the nappy

[Tok-ra]

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

[Tok-ra]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Tok-ra]

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck.

Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.

[bogan]

A guy was driving through McDonalds drive thru, and when he got to the window he was told his order wasn't ready yet, and was instructed to park and his order would be brought out to him.
A fat McDonalds girl brings his order out to him and says-
"Sorry about the wait"
and he replies
"Don't worry, it's just your metabolism"

[Endre]

A few short jokes...


PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."


TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"


A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"


"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"


"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."


"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

EDIT: Or should I have one in each post?

[bogan]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.