Xtreme Contests

[chilly1]

Contest One:
Make The Mods Laugh

The winner will receive a Chilly1 chiller 1/8 hp copeland condenser new, with Chilly1 heatexchanger. 115v/240v per the winners request. Worldwide shipping included. Contest begins 4/5/04 and ends Midnight, PST 4/11/04.

Rules:
Submit your funniest story,aprils fools joke,anecdote or other joke to this thread only. (No pictures) Multiple submissions okay. No spamming. Please do not duplicate your posts, nor copy anothers. Only the first post of a duplicate will be considered.

On Friday, 4/9/04 12:00 p.m. PST (noon) the thread will be closed and no futher entries will be accepted. Each moderator will then choose his two favorite posts, and a poll will then be posted for all members to vote on Saturday and Sunday, 4/10-11/04. The posts with the most votes at the end of the contest will win the prize offered by xtremesystems.org.


Contest Two:
Easter Egg Hunt

The winner will receive a lapped and polished 2.8GHz Retail Prescott. Worldwide shipping included. Contest begins Sunday, 4/11/04 at 6:00 a.m. PST an entry thread will be posted. The first one to find the eggs, will win the prize offered by xtremesystems.org. A hints and rules thread will be posted at the start of the contest.

Participation in these contest implies acceptance of the following terms and conditions:
▪ Participants shall not post any material likely to cause offense, that is protected by copyright, trademark or other proprietary right - without the express permission of the owner of such material.
▪The appropriate Forum Moderator has the right to edit, censor, delete or otherwise modify any posted message.
▪This web site does not verify or guarantee the accuracy of the material posted to the Forums or bear any responsibility for any loss, damage, or other liabilities caused by any posted message.
▪xtremesystems.org does not accept responsibility for nor warrentee the prizes given away.
▪The prize winners accepts responsibility for all liability incurred by receiving the prize and its use.
▪Contest open to xtremesystems.org registers users with valid email addresses on file only.

[TheDogFather]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

TDF.

[Kazoo]

Good one TDF!

[dobbz]

here's a dumb ass, uninteresting story about what i did a few weekends ago. hope you LAFF YER ASSES OFF THO heh.

i was out drinkin at the bars with a couple of my bros. we were slammin Heaven Hills one after the other, and by 1:00AM i'm trashed as hell and pissin like a racehorse, but im still feelin aWEsOME and cool like usual HHeh.

theres this seriously cute chick ive seen at this place Grinder's a couple times- so cute, pretty much nothing about her i can scrutinize at all, and shes just got this thing about her that makes you know you shes a really nice girl before you even talk to her. id marry her. after i do another shot i catch her lookin at me at the bar and she's smilin, i think cause i let out this drunk ass roar after i knocked it back. a couple minutes later she goes outside by herself with yer jacket and her purse and i figure she's leaving. so i go outside to follow her cause im smeared as sht and think its OK to run after a chick ive never talked to as she's about to go home just to hit on her (omg im drunk).

so i walk out the door and shes just standin there pullin out a cigarette and im thinkin kewl she's not leavin quite yet. ill throw some lines at her and tell her im havin people over later. im like "hey wutsup" and she smiles again and says hey. i pull out my lighter and im about to light her cig but i drop the lighter. not too slick but whatever.

so i pick it up and im reaching out to light her cig and as im raising my arm up i miss badly and kinda punch her in the tit haha. i said sorry and she just giggled and said it was ok (kewwwl). now im tryin again and i get the lighter up there to light it. she leans over and puts her hand on mine all flirty like, but i guess i kinda wobbled forward cause i defintely put the lighter right into her face and she jerked back with her hand on her cheek since i just burned her, and she kinda pulls on a strand of hair, so i guess i set a little of that on fkn fire too. goddammit im a dumbass.

now she gets out her own cigarette lighter, so im a little bit shook at this point and wondering if ive blown it. keep in mind this has all taken place in less than a minute and all ive said to her is "wutsup". god. anyway, i get out a cig for myself.

now its really dark out and for some reason they turned out most of the lights out front. and you know when youre sittin in the dark at a campfire or something and all you can see is the fire and the people sittin around it cause the light just blacks out all the surroundings? well im just-about-to-barf drunk and obviously dizzy as hell and im lightin my cig. the next thing i know i hit the ground and im on my back... w t F???

here's what happened: when i put the lighter up near my face, it became the only thing visible to me at all, and im so drunk i dont notice that im beginning to lean back and fall flat on my ass. picture it: some guy lightin a cig and he just falls backwards with his hands in the cigarette-lighting position all the way down.

so im gettin up and she's laffin at me, and says "OK, nice meeting you." she stomps out a whole cigarette and goes back inside. fffffckkKJkjsdf.

here i was so stupid drunk im wOOpin like a fratboy.. and she thinks its cute. i follow her outside probably seeming a bit desperate and definately bein uncool.. no prob, shes smling. i punch her in the tit.. and she laffs, its ok. im pullin all this dumb dumb sht and she likes me enough to stick around and still flirt! i had it! but i just gotta keep bein a dumbass and blow it in under 60 seconds. pfft go me.

but at least i got piece of her tit hAW.

[Kenjo]

I have an excellent story, just happy it wasnt me that did this..


My best friend Karl was out partying hard and long and not really looking for a girl so the drinks were big enough to knock over an elephant, but then he saw this chick with the right kinda jugs an hips.. so he went for it.. and sure enough he got her home. so they started out their lovemaking session but when she got ontop of her the fun part began.. my friend Passed OUT.. dunno how u can do that but he Passed out during the actually act.. the next day when he woke up she was gone and when he went to brush his teeth he stared into the mirror and was shocked.. he had a nice big black eye..

What a nice nite he must have had

[interman]

here's my entry



What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?





A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.

[DeadPlasmaCell]

This doesn't really have to do with PCs.. but when i was in high school a while back, We had a Bomb threat and we all had to evacuate to the football field and stand in the stands, it was really cold and the stands were aluminum and were frosted over, Me and my friend were out there along with the whole school and we're around the middle section half way up as well.. So we're just talking and goofing around and then they tell us we can go in, so we're stepping down and my friend looses his footing and falls to his knees so i, jokingly, lightly pushed him and he lost his balance and tumbled down the stands about 10 steps all i hear is "Ooooh sh*********!!!".. and apparently he had a bad case of Diareha cuz he got up and there was crap running down his legs and everywhere else, it was pretty bad.. so everyone is laughing at him and he takes off running toward the school and once he gets on the football field he trips and busts his ass again..and takes off.. FIN

[CHiN0]

Sorry if it's not the appropriate language but I'm sure a lot of you have heard this one already, I edited some of it and I can edit more if needed:

This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the Bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you Three- Hundred dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The Bartender says.. now one more time this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Your trying to tell me you're gonna bet me Three-Hundred dollars that YOU can piss standing over here waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The Bartender says, "Young man you gotta bet!" The guy says, "O.K. here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks glass, he's thinking of the glass, think glass, thinking about his d*ck. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. Be the glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. And then 'SWOOOSH' . He let's it rip! And he's ..he's pissin' all over the place, man! He's pissin' on the bar.. he's pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone.. on the Bartender.. He's pissing Everywhere EXCEPT the f***ing glass!! Right. O.K. So, Bartender, He's laughing his f***ing ass off, he's Three-Hundred dollars richer. He's like, "Ha Ha Ha Ha." Piss drippin' off his face. "Ha Ha Ha Ha" He says, "You F***N' idiot, man. You pissed on everything EXCEPT the glass!! You owe me Three-Hundred dollars punta." And he goes, "Excuse me, just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them... Comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go Mr. Bartender, three hundred dollars." And the Bartenders like, "WHAT the f*ck are you so happy about, you just lost Three-Hundred dollars you idiot?!" The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there. I just bet them Five-Hundred dollars a PIECE, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on YOU, and not only would you be not mad about it...... you'd be happy..."

[kaasie]

American History Class Mark as unread


It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

[Kenjo]

Got one more.. the same guy (Karl) and a chick that i know really well..

a couple of years back we both worked as bartenders at this local pub (wich is now closed), everything was excellent.. free booze and loads of hot chicks, just like being in heaven.. Me an my friend had a bet going .. to see wich one of us that could get a chick home with this little catch frase "You wanna go home an have sex", so about 2 weeks after we started this little bet i meet this chick (marie) and ofcourse i used the line and waaabang we went home... a couple nites later i used it again on the same chick and yep we went back home and wabang, by now u guys wondering what the point of this story is, well im about to tell you .. So my friend (Karl) got a bit upset that i scored twice so he thought ah well mightaswell try the line out.. so a week later when i was off work he gave it his best shot.. but what he didnt know was that the girl he tried it on was marie, and ofcourse she went back home to his place with him to sleep cause she missed her last buss home, now your thinking how i know this well just read on.. now when in the apartment Karl was still eager to get some action but how hard he tried she didnt give him some.. so finally he resorted to the last possible thing he could think of.. he went down on his KNEES and said " I love you" , marie just looked at him and said "NO"..

Now how do i know this for a fact.. that dumbass told me the story .. now it would have been one thing if it was marie but it wasnt her that told me the story it was Karl..

I would never have admitted to such a thing.. I still make fun of him whenever were out partying

Ps. The names in this story are not the real ones as it might be offending for these people. Ds

[jackyl]

This guy pulls up to a stop light in a green mistubhishi eclipse. It has alot of work done to it and alot of power adding stickers and a huge "doesn't do a damn thing" wing on the back and the bof is just chirping when he lets off the throttle after he revs it up to impress the guy next to him at the stop and go lights. The guy right next to him is in a ferrari 355 spider bone stock italian coolage package. Regardless of the fact that the guy in the ferrari reved up his engine first and said "I bought this car with the money from my companies IPO"

They both give each other the "wanna race that pos or did you forget how to drive" look

Then the light turns green and they both slide through gears without even the usage of a clutch. and with a few action shots of both cars weaving in and out of traffic the eclipse beats the ferrari with about a 12 car lenth lead.


The punch line is: The usage of a blue screen can make even an ordianary sticker powerd car beat a ferrari!

Come on damn it

[charlie]

Awww...man!!!!
And I guess moderators are dis-allowed
This is gonna be fun, though...

C

[adamginz15]

Ok,
A man goes to the doctor and says to him :" i got a serious problem i have 2 balls but one is huge and second one is normal".
so the doctor asks from the man to show him his balls so he says i will show them to you in one condition. that you want laugh, ok so the doctor agreed. so the man is taking out his first ball out and the doctor started laughing like c-r-a-z-y so then the man says to the doctor. now i want show you the big one.

[RestyleD-]

Hope you can laugh...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

RestyleD-

[T07N]

Ok this is a true story, seriously.

A friend of mine just went to juvy last month, and he just got out. I was excited to see him and we talked for awhile. I asked him if he had any funny stories to tell in there.

He told me about this one kid who went in there for something very stupid.

Ok the guy was trying to jack the school's computer so he broke into the school with the pair of keys he stole from the janitor.

After he got the keys that day, he broke into the building at night and tried to jack the MACS but he soon found out they were like welded into the table. LOL

So for some reason he surf the net for :banana::banana::banana::banana: then starting jacking off. Someone somehow reported him and the cops came, they found him whacking off in front of the computer screen. Poor guy stood up with his pants down and hands up cause the cops told him to or else they'll shoot. So the guy popped a boner in front of like 4 cops LOL!!!

It was written on his permenent record. LOL!!! I guess he was "jacking" the wrong thing in there lol.

True story, I'm not lying.

[FlyingHamster]

lol TDF, the Official World's Funniest Joke



anyways heres a funny one:

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[BmxAnt]

Whats cool,Fast and LOUD as a mofo?





Vantec tornado

[Dieter@be]

Ok, I'll translate this kick-ass story from dutch to english:

There is this guy (lets call him Jeff), wandering off outside, suddenly he sees a rope hanging in front of him. He looks up, and the rope comes from reaaaly high, he can't see the end of the rope. So he decides to climb it (being so curious).

After a lot of climbing, he finds himself being in heaven. Where St. Pieter sees Jeff and says "Hey Jeff! What the ** are you doing here? Your time hasnt come yet!". Yeah says Jeff, and he explains the rope-thing.
He also asks if he can look around a bit in heaven, now he's there anyway. "Ok", says St. Pieter " but you have to be back before 2PM because i'm going to remove the rope and you won't be able to go down again" Jeff agrees and starts wandering around in heaven. Everything is sooo great there, and so he forgets the time. When its 3 PM he runs back to St Pieter in panic, and yes...it's too late, the rope is already gone.

"But I really need to get down to earth again" says Jeff "to my family, my work, etc etc"

St Pieter proposes this solution: he will change Jeff into a spider so he can make his own rope to descend, and when he's on the ground, he will be changed back into a human. Jeff agrees.

So he starts descending , being a spider, all the way down, making his own "rope". But about 30m above surface he has no more rope, so he really does his best to push a little more out of it, but it's still nog enough, so he pushes even harder to make as much rope as possible.

Then his wife wakes him up: "Jeff! wake up! You're sh*tting under the whole bed!"

[lostark374]

what did the woman say to micheal jackson while lying on the beach?


umm i dunno:



"would you mind getting out of my sun"

[Detract]

A high flying Auckland lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canterbury. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the southern hemisphere, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canterbury. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mertens Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Mertens Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Jaffa. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his silk suit jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

and

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to
Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and
the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

and

[Cader]

some jokes from gold old germany, first I've to say, that the European Pegi is here USK, so I don't know, if it makes sense for you

pegi 12+ means: the hero gets the girl
pegi 16+ means: the rogue (?) gets the girl
pegi 18+ means: everyone gets the girl



------------------------------------------

There's a trucker, who sings all the time:,,I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck , when I want to." After a longer time his tank is empty and he has to stop at a gas station.
There is waiting a nun. she speaks with him: "Can you take me with you?"
Then he: "Only when I can take you!"
"yes OK, but only anal, otherwise I offence against the chruch, ok?."
They go into the Truck and f*ck ^^. Afterwards: "I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck, when I want to!!!"
Then the nun: "And I'm the gay John and like to dress like a nun!!"

and some more:

What's the difference between a cowtail and a tie?




the cowtail covers the hole as*hole

-----------------------------------------------------

Why have women to be more cute than smart? because men cann better see than think


-----------------------------------

last but not least:

15 % of the men think their penis is too small
the other 85% believe that the ruler (?) is faulty


Xcuse my XTREME bad english

[olv]

OK here goes...

A man walks into a bar and the bartender's dog is sat on the floor licking his balls. The man goes over to the bartender and says "You see your dog? I wish I could do that." And the bartender says "Give him a bone and he might let you."

ha ha!

[SSV]

Two hillbillys, Bubba and Billy, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Billy, said, "Lookey thar up
ahead, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Billy," Bubba said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and
throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Bubba.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Bubba said. "We're on the patch."

[rundymc]

Here's mine:-

What is the definition of pain?
...............................
...............................
...............................

A fly, sliding down a razor blade


using its balls for brakes





This is a true story:-
I was on this small commercial flight to Malaysia recently to see a friend. The trip was made on a budget airliner, so obviously it was dead small.
At some point during the journey, I really had to piss, so I got up, went to the toilet, and was met with a line of like, 20 people
Finally my turn came, and low and behold- the toilet seat was TINY, I mean a hobbit would feel comfortable there instead of falling in and have the next guy flush him down.
I'm a big guy (well down there as well, but that's not what I meant) so this was a dilemma- I couldn't stand over the seat to do my business, cos that would mean decorating the facilities with my urine- I couldn't sit either, cos the walls were to narrow to spread my legs
so I figured up a quick way of doing my business stably, without missing the seat
In the small room, I took down my pants and underwear, lifted my self up with the help of the sink, and held myself in the air by pressing my knees tightly against the walls of the toilet and holding on to some grooves in the ceiling for a little support- guess what- it worked
so I released one hand to hold my (you know), and proceeded to take a piss
there I was, a guy with a big arse, hairy thighs, in mid-air, hold his d*ck, with a stream of yellow coloured water coming from between his thighs

one problem..................I didn't close the door


I think the people outside (plus a couple of really hot stewardesses) got an even better view of my arse when the plane hit a little turbulence and I flew head first into the toilet seat

[STEvil]

I ate Safeway Select Canned WET dog food for a casewrap at a lan party..

Does that count for anything?