couldn't say it better myself
couldn't say it better myself
You post whore!!:p :p
This is one of my all-time favorites!
Every 14th of february men get the chance to display fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.
Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret... guys really don't enjoy this that much.
Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.
Another secret... guys feel left out. That's right ... left out. there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 2oth is now officially ''Steak and BJ Day''.
Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.
Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.
The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.
all too true!
Q. Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A. Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Wife asks her husband to go to the store and buy her some tampons, he agrees.
Once he gets to the store he realizes he doesn't knwo what they are.. so he asks the lady at the counter and she directs to the back of the store. several minutes go buy and the husband finally returns to the checkout line. Only he isn't carrying tampons but instead several bags of cotton balls and string and other items... the lady perplexed asks '' did you find everything sir?'' trying to be polite.. The husband replies, ''sure did, last week I sent my wife to buy me some cigerettes and she came back with roll paper and a bag of tabacco becuase it was cheaper, I figure if I have to roll my own she has to roll her own!''
Heh! That'll learn her! :p
Top Five's Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You
10> "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
9> "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
8> "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
7> "So, twenty bucks then?"
6> "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
5> "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
4> "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
3> "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
2> "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Clever Thing to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You...
1> "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
RUNNERS UP list
1."C'mon -- it's too short to trigger your gag reflex."
2."Darling, every time I look into your eyes I see a future that stretches before me like a golden highway resplendent with the promise of a love more deeply fulfilling than I have ever known or ever will know. You are the piece of my soul that has been missing for so many years, and I treasure every moment with you. That being said, how 'bout a hummer?"
3."Look, it likes you! It's waving at you!"
4."No, seriously... like *zero* calories."
5."Studies have shown performing oral sex may help in the fight against gingivitis and tooth decay. No, really!"
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. Two received C's, the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree! We'll grab her...," said the second.
"Yeah," said the third, "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
What's gonna happen for Easter now???
Quotes from "Jaws" in which 'shark' has been replaced by 'lesbian.'
1. "Understand you're having a little lesbian trouble."
2. "Don't know what that bastard lesbian's gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose."
3. "So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The lesbian took the rest, June 29, 1945."
4. "You see a barracuda, everyone says, 'Huh? What?' You yell 'lesbian,' we've got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July."
5. "Why don't we have one more drink and go down there and cut that lesbian open?"
6. "In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer lesbian."
7. "I'm not saying that this is not a lesbian. It probably is, Martin. It probably is."
Johnny is a 3rd grader and every Thursday at the end of the day his teacher asks the class a question. If anyone in the class can answer the question they dont have to come to class on Friday.
Since it is a big reward the question is always nearly impossible. The first week the teacher asked the question, "How much water is in the ocean?" All of the kids in the class guessed at the question but none of them were right.
The next week the teacher asked the question, "How many starts there in the sky?" Again everyone in the classroom guessed an answer but no one got to skip class the next day.
Now Johnny got to thinking and he really wanted to be able to stay home next Friday. So the night before the teacher asked the question Johnny got a couple of golfballs and spray painted them black.
Then the next day the teacher was getting ready to ask the difficult question. Right as the teacher said, "Here is the question for this week..." Johnny rolled the golfballs onto the floor up to the teachers feet.
Startled and a bit angry the teacher demanded, "All right! Who is the comedian with the black balls??"
Johnny stood up and said, "Chris Rock, and I'll see you Monday."
The Beer Drinker's Warm-up Song
DOUGH... the stuff, that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one, who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long way to the beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... La la la la la beer
TEA...... no thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will leave me with no DOUGH.....
Some now ones. hehehe
Constipated People Don't Give A Sh*t.
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
If You Can Read This, The :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: Fell Off.
Fight Crime ... Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. (Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant)
Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
A little girl walks into a pet shop and...
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on
her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a
soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fluck!"
ode to protein folding.
Oh baby, baby Oh baby, baby, How was I supposed to know That something wasn't right here Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go, And now you're out of sight, yeah Show me, how you want it to be, Tell me baby 'Cause I need to know now what we've got My loneliness is killing me I must confess, I still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me baby one more time
O protein Protein, how was i supposed to fold, when p4 wasnt powerful enough, oh hairpin hairpin, my p4 has to go, and amd is in your place now, show me how fast my XP folds, show me baby because p4 blows, because this protein A is killing me, but i must confess i still believe, when im not with my AMD I lose my mind, FOLD ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
LMF'NAO!! I was reading the first paragraph, and was like WTF? isn't that how the song goes? HAHAHAA!
Here's one I get everyone with. It's usually pretty easy to bring up.
"Hey did you know I had Polio when I was a kid?"
"Yeah, I still got a scar from it..... One of my legs is shorter than the other 2"
They'll get it a few minutes later.. heh.
THE MAN CODE
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat .
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULL:banana::banana::banana::banana: . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
" Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young kid came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house.
The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young kid was riding his bicycle when he spotted the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!" the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
A man and his wife went to a fair. The man, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$20 for 3 minutes." the pilot replied.
"That's too much." said the man.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
The man and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the man, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the man, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."