What do I do?

[Jowy Atreides]

Hey guys, I don't crunch for the XS team but instead for another smaller one. Just a few modest celeron d and P4 systems but it all goes to the same cause.

I'm posting this thread here because you've all shown how much you really care, it's more than some friendly competition and many of you have really personal causes that you crunch for.

Sure, XS is a fun place to have some sarcy and cheeky debates over hardware and we all love ..but it's still a great community just to chill out in and always a nice point in my day

I have a question that I could really use some guidance for and I figure some of you will understand.

Today I got the bad news. My mother has cancer and it seems pretty far on. It's uncertain to me what chances she has and the news hasn't set in yet. I've brought myself up to never let anyone see me weak and for the family, I'll continue that.

Just, what do I do?

I want to help my family and my mother, to take responsibility and be someone to help keep them strong.

I just don't know what to do, how do you keep yourself and your family strong?

All I've done so far is phoned up the family members and made sure they were here for my mother, tried to keep her mind focussed on her life instead of letting this dominate her thoughts.

There will come a time when she'll break down and I'll need to be there for her but I have no clue and for some messed up reason, I feel guilty at even having to ask

[Bail_w]

I am sure Movieman and others here can give you some good advices. All i can say is just be there for her whenever she needs it.

[[XC] serlv]

Well, I live alone and no longer have my Mom and Dad around. I had cancer and I know what has touched me the most. That is frequent contact with friends. So what I'm saying is reach out to her often and consistently. If you're not close, call daily. If you are close stop by often as well as call. The unbelievable love of and from the people who care about me made it much easier to deal with. The ordeal I went through/am going through made me realize how good people can be. I'm not sure God doesn't allow illness like this just to give people a chance to shine and "be all they can be" in terms of being loving people.

I wish your Mom the best. Best to you. Thanks for sharing your situation.

Scott

[Otis11]

Sorry I don't have much advice, but stay strong, and if we can help don't hesitate to let us know. We always do what we can.

You'll be in my prayers man!

[Jowy Atreides]

Thanks

I live with my parents still so I'm lucky enough to be there to help with errands and things when my father is at work.
I'm also really grateful for the health care here in the uk and we've been told that she's a priority case and should be operated on next week

Can't even think of that day, it's mouth cancer and the operation is severe and high risk.

I always told her to quit the cigarrettes, when I was a kid ..I'd always imagine the day I found out she had cancer.
It was something I worried about a lot and I hated her for it. It took another 16 years until it became reality and it's hitting hard, all those times I promised to get her of the cigs.

If I did it when I KNEW it was right. She would be much healthier.
I just didn't have the balls to cut those poisonous sticks of wasted cash up. She'd have beat me too hard.

No point in lamenting over the past now, just have to see what can be done and follow my heart.

If anyone reading this is also tired of watching a loved one pour cash into cigarettes and you worry.
Just do the right thing and take the short term pain. Cut them up, call it an investment into your future.

[jcool]

First of all, don't blame yourself. Everyone has to decide for himself how to live his or her life, and if someone is a smoker, then only that person can decide to quit. Sure, it helps getting support from friends and family, but ultimately, the decision has to come from within, and can't be forced onto a person.

Second, I faced the same feeling that you do now about 1,5 years back. Not knowing what to do... My father was diagnosed with a quick-growing GIST (stomach) tumor - they managed to remove it in an 8 hour operation (it was over 10cm long!) and he has been on special medication since. He is fine for now, but there was a time when I was sitting by his bedside in the hospital's ICU not knowing whether he'll last another day. In that stage (as in, before & after the operation) you can't do much more than be there for your mother. Read up on the impending operation and ask the operating surgeon/doctor all kinds of questions until you feel reasonably comfortable it is the best alternative - that's why I did anyway.

Then wait.. or pray, if that is a thing you do. All the best to your mum!

[Jowy Atreides]

First of all, don't blame yourself. Everyone has to decide for himself how to live his or her life, and if someone is a smoker, then only that person can decide to quit. Sure, it helps getting support from friends and family, but ultimately, the decision has to come from within, and can't be forced onto a person.

Second, I faced the same feeling that you do now about 1,5 years back. Not knowing what to do... My father was diagnosed with a quick-growing GIST (stomach) tumor - they managed to remove it in an 8 hour operation (it was over 10cm long!) and he has been on special medication since. He is fine for now, but there was a time when I was sitting by his bedside in the hospital's ICU not knowing whether he'll last another day. In that stage (as in, before & after the operation) you can't do much more than be there for your mother. Read up on the impending operation and ask the operating surgeon/doctor all kinds of questions until you feel reasonably comfortable it is the best alternative - that's why I did anyway.

Then wait.. or pray, if that is a thing you do. All the best to your mum!

Thanks, I just really needed something to do.

10cm is pretty massive :o

Must have been some pretty skilled doctors working with your father
If he's pulled through over a year and is going strong then I'm sure he could fight through anything and if misfortune strikes again ..it couldn't match such a huge tumour, it'd be caught quick and squished like a bug

I'm glad for your advice. Anything I could be using my time to do that's productive is waay better than moping around. My family have a lot of faith in me and I think that if they see me just taking some action and not getting worked up about it then they'll have more confidence and less worry.

Just the way you're making me feel more secure because you've been through the same crisis and know what helped, I hope to give them the same comfort

Time to hit the internet pretty hard and learn

[jcool]

Glad I could help. Yes, it was done by a specialist.. this was/is a very rare kind of tumor, and not many people have even seen one live, let alone successfully removed one this big. One wrong cut (in 8 hours!) and it would have spread out.. which would have been fatal.

Also it grew to that size within a matter of months (4-6 was the estimation), unbeliably aggressive these are.
Thankfully there is a pretty recent drug called Glivec (a so-called ATB blocker) that he takes, which inhibits the remaining cancer cells from docking with healthy cells and infecting them/multiplying, simply put. So, no chemo for him, at least one positive thing.

[Movieman]

I am sure Movieman and others here can give you some good advices. All i can say is just be there for her whenever she needs it.

and that is the best advice anyone can give.
When my grandfather was very close to passing we spent a lot of time together.
He was in a hospital and just worn out at 88..
Those were long days as I really loved that old guy.
I did make him laugh and thats all you can do..Be there.

[Jaco]

I'd try to be there as much as possible.
Your presence will be appreciated , even if you don't know what to say really.

[Kingcarcas]

Why do people associate emotion with weakness?............just be there for her, good luck.

[Jowy Atreides]

She is exhibiting signs of paraneoplastic syndrome and cerebral degeneration.
My father is avoiding the issue of her obvious onset dementia.

He's neglected to inform the doctors of her uncoordination, muscle spams, inability to speak and senility.

I'm smart enough to google like a mofo and if this continues much longer she might have permanent brain damage.

How do I take control of this issue? Can I legally take responsibility from him?

[Otis11]

Personally, I'd find some way to let the doctors know. If you can, talk to your father, tell him how important it is for the doctors to know so that they can take everything into consideration when treating her. If you know that won't turn out well, try just calling the hospital and seeing what they say. Personally taking legal action (if that's what you're talking about) is possible if you're 18 (in the US anyway) but I would only do that as a last resort. It will put even more stress on the family. If it's the only way, it should be done (IMO) so that the doctors know, but only as an ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT.

Other than that all I can say is pray about it, meditate on it, whatever you do. And then actually listen to that answer. I'll be praying for you man.

[lkiller123]

If I were you, I would try to have a talk with the father first. Ask him why he wouldn't tell the doctors about this situation. Try to tell him about how telling about it might help the treatment (and your mother) by a lot.

If he still neglects the problem, tell the doctor about it.

I wouldn't take "legal action" within the family, doing so will just put more stress and chaos into the family.
Hope all is well, I will pray for you.

[Otis11]

If I were you, I would try to have a talk with the father first. Ask him why he wouldn't tell the doctors about this situation. Try to tell him about how telling about it might help the treatment (and your mother) by a lot.

If he still neglects the problem, tell the doctor about it.

I wouldn't take "legal action" within the family, doing so will just put more stress and chaos into the family.
Hope all is well, I will pray for you.

+ 1. Scratch what I said.

Although I still maintain the praying part.

[lkiller123]

+ 1. Scratch what I said.

Although I still maintain the praying part.

Oops, didn't see that coming at first

[Jowy Atreides]

Personally, I'd find some way to let the doctors know. If you can, talk to your father, tell him how important it is for the doctors to know so that they can take everything into consideration when treating her. If you know that won't turn out well, try just calling the hospital and seeing what they say. Personally taking legal action (if that's what you're talking about) is possible if you're 18 (in the US anyway) but I would only do that as a last resort. It will put even more stress on the family. If it's the only way, it should be done (IMO) so that the doctors know, but only as an ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT.

Other than that all I can say is pray about it, meditate on it, whatever you do. And then actually listen to that answer. I'll be praying for you man.

Thanks
I've told him but he seemed to just phase out and say that 'we'll talk about it later'

If it comes to it, I'll take action against what needs to be done.

If I were you, I would try to have a talk with the father first. Ask him why he wouldn't tell the doctors about this situation. Try to tell him about how telling about it might help the treatment (and your mother) by a lot.

If he still neglects the problem, tell the doctor about it.

I wouldn't take "legal action" within the family, doing so will just put more stress and chaos into the family.
Hope all is well, I will pray for you.

I'm not sure now that this could help much, after more research.
The usual course of treatment for paraneo is radiotherapy and she's starting that in 2 days

She's acting really ...wrong. Falling over and then getting up to fall over again within minutes, seeming not to have learned her balance is off. Getting really emotional and just staring into space.

I think he believes the symptoms are down to the heavy sedation on pain killers but the muscle seizures say it's not

[Otis11]

Well, pray about it man. That's the only other thing I can say. I don't know what's going on and even if I did i don't know your family or the medicine. You're the only one who can really make this decision.

You'll be in my prayers man.

[Blauhung]

I know what you mean about trying to get someone to quit. My wife has been a smoker for the past 7 years or something and I hate it and I hate to think about what it will be like when some day she gets sick, there's nothing I can do to make her quit. Any time you bring it up its just another person telling them what to do. Jcool has it right on about it needing to be a personal choice.

As for advice, I don't think I would be able to say anything better then what has already been said, stay close, stay involved, stay positive. Our thoughts are all with ya

[lkiller123]

Remember, the best medicine for Cancer is care and support. Do what you think that's best for your mother, don't let things get into your way.

[[XC] Oj101]

When I was a kid my grandfather passed away from brain cancer (I grew up with my grandparents). I knew something was wrong but I was never told that he was going to a hospice because he wasn't coming home again. I really wish I'd spent more time with him (although we were together almost every waking moment I didn't get much time with him towards the end). That was fourteen years ago and at least I know he's in a happier place now. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your mom and your family.

[Jowy Atreides]

Thanks everyone.

Today, she passed away. Only yesterday she was moved into a hospice, they expected her to last weeks but the few hours she had there were nice.

I was correct in noticing the cancer remission premature, she was admitted with a very small recurring growth.
Within only a week, it had grown to the size of a fist and maintaned that rate until today.

They say it's a very aggressive 'immortal' cancer. The doctors never discussed anything technical but I read her files.
The levels of pain she experienced were the highest a person could have. It's a good thing she's gone now. It's ing horrible to say that.

I'll cut this reply here, before I have to think about it.

[Mabyboi]

Thanks everyone.

Today, she passed away. Only yesterday she was moved into a hospice, they expected her to last weeks but the few hours she had there were nice.

I was correct in noticing the cancer remission premature, she was admitted with a very small recurring growth.
Within only a week, it had grown to the size of a fist and maintaned that rate until today.

They say it's a very aggressive 'immortal' cancer. The doctors never discussed anything technical but I read her files.
The levels of pain she experienced were the highest a person could have. It's a good thing she's gone now. It's ing horrible to say that.

I'll cut this reply here, before I have to think about it.

Im so sorry, Ive had family pass away from cancer, and some that are in remission right now. Its terrible...

Just be happy, she's no longer in pain, she's moved on to a better place.

The best thing you can do right now, is to remember her when she was at her best, not how she has been with the cancer. Keep a good image in your mind, it will make you feel better.

Were all here for you man.

[PoppaGeek]

When my dad died when I was 13 and my brother 9. A friend and neighbor started taking my brother and I fishing and hunting. We became like family celebrating Christmas and other holidays with them before our blood family. He got cancer at a time when the C word was a death sentence and what the doctors could and did do only caused more pain and suffering. I saw a 6'4" man go from 270 lbs to 85 lbs. I sat with him at night in the hospital so his family could go home and get some rest.

When my mother came to where I was living one night and told me Larry was gone I sighed a sigh of relief. His suffering was finally over. I got sick at the funeral trying to be "strong", whatever that is. I cried hard over loosing my friend but was still glad it was over for him.

My prayers for you and your family. She is fine now.

[OldChap]

I never can find the words......but I fully endorse the idea mentioned above...remember the good times....It's what I do and it works