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Thread: Thinking of Having Kids?

  1. #1

    Thinking of Having Kids?


    This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!



    Do this 11 step program first!

    Lesson 1
    1. Go to the grocery store.
    2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
    3. Go home.
    4. Pick up the paper.
    5. Read it for the last time.

    Lesson 2
    Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
    1. Methods of discipline.
    2. Lack of patience.
    3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
    4. Allowing their children to run wild.
    5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
    Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

    Lesson 3
    A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
    1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
    2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
    3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
    4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
    5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
    6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
    7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
    9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
    Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
    Lesson 4
    Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
    2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
    4. Then rub them o n the clean walls.
    5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
    6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

    Lesson 5
    Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
    1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
    Time allowed for this - all morning.

    Lesson 6
    Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
    1. Buy a chocolate ate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
    2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
    3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
    4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Lesson 7
    Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


    Lesson 8
    1. Hollow out a melon.
    2. Make a small hole in the side.
    3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
    5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
    6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
    You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

    Lesson 9
    Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

    Lesson 10
    Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Lesson 11
    Start talking to an adult of your choice.. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
    Last edited by phelan1777; 04-25-2008 at 07:51 AM.

  2. #2
    Love will tear us apart
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    Yesterday was take your kid to work day here. That's all I need to remind myself to stay spawn-free.
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    And..
    Add in the pure joy that you will never experience anywhere else when you hold your little one as she or he has just been born.
    The joy you will see in the eyes as he or she takes their first steps
    The same when they look at you with a smile that can't be reproduced as they pedal their first "two wheeler"
    The joy of watching them walk down the aisle to receive thier HS diploma.
    Yes, there are nightmares.
    Spending a entire night with a kid with the flu vomiting all over the 4 sets of sheets you have for their bed.
    Getting a call that your 12 year old daughter was hit by a pickup truck and launched 47 ft thru the air but miraclously landed in some guys hedges and "just" came out of it with a broken collarbone and 3 broken ribs.
    Been there, done that.
    It's all worth it in the end.
    Crunch with us, the XS WCG team
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    Come join us,get that warm fuzzy feeling that you've done something good for mankind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frisch View Post
    If you have lost faith in humanity, then hold a newborn in your hands.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by WrigleyVillain View Post
    Yesterday was take your kid to work day here. That's all I need to remind myself to stay spawn-free.
    Luckily I havent had to suffer that in here per se. Seems to be a hot seat in my office and people always get pregnant (150 staff, 10% are on mat leave right now)

    Although it does become baby central occasionally, ugh!

    Nice guide though phelan Think Ill be sprog free for a lonnngggg time! Daddy needs a new watercooling setup
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  5. #5
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    Bleh. Kids.

    The bane of existence. They stink, they're loud, they're obnoxious. . .I'm so glad I haven't been burdened with them.

    Thank the deity of choice for a wife with reproductive problems.


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  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by [XC] Mekoa View Post
    Luckily I havent had to suffer that in here per se. Seems to be a hot seat in my office and people always get pregnant (150 staff, 10&#37; are on mat leave right now)

    Although it does become baby central occasionally, ugh!

    Nice guide though phelan Think Ill be sprog free for a lonnngggg time! Daddy needs a new watercooling setup
    Not my guide my gf e-mailed it to me, just thought I would share it here with the fathers, soon to be, and the ones afraid as well :P.

    Kids can the greatest source for pride for a parent and a great source of disappointment as well.

    The end result of the child is a direct reflection of the parents character as a whole.
    Last edited by phelan1777; 04-25-2008 at 07:58 AM.

  7. #7
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    If you have lost faith in humanity, then hold a newborn in your hands.
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  8. #8
    V3 Xeons coming soon!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frisch View Post
    If you have lost faith in humanity, then hold a newborn in your hands.
    So much wisdom in so short a sentence..
    Sigged..
    Crunch with us, the XS WCG team
    The XS WCG team needs your support.
    A good project with good goals.
    Come join us,get that warm fuzzy feeling that you've done something good for mankind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frisch View Post
    If you have lost faith in humanity, then hold a newborn in your hands.

  9. #9
    Love will tear us apart
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frisch View Post
    If you have lost faith in humanity, then hold a newborn in your hands.
    Nicely put. I do admit to absolutely adoring my 10 month old niece. She's the baby that was in my avatar there for awhile.
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  10. #10
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    I like lesson #2, Everyone thinks they know better, including yours truely.

    But now I don't know how many times I have told my wife that
    we were so wrong on what we told people....

    you never know till you have your own,
    and their all different.

    So now we just try to help when ever
    we can, and love our son every minute
    of ever second of every day.

    I feel that I am very blessed and no goats or
    water mellons or all the responsibility that has changed
    when he was born
    will take away the sense of pride I have...

    when we were sittin in the living room the other day and
    watching the pope and the screen said,
    POPE greets 9/11 families
    and with out a missing a beat,
    my son looked at me and said.

    daddy, what about the other 2 families.

    and he was trying to make a joke..
    I have a little man and I am very blessed!

    sorry for telling that story again,
    but PROUD father in the house!
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  11. #11
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    2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

    I still do that every now and then to piss off some friends :P Another great thing is to put a piece of meat behind the bed at a summer house, before you leave it for winter
    In short, both AMD and NVIDIA discovered that their next-generation graphics cards are superior to each others' last-generation graphics cards.

  12. #12
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    My little's brother's pretty damn stupid (I've got a Ph. D, and MD in Bull [psychiatry/criminal pathology] from UChicago and I'm stupid too, should've been a rock star)...we have enough stupid people on this planet...don't think I'm gonna add more stupid people by breeding. I do love kids tho (sorta).

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Movieman View Post
    And..
    Add in the pure joy that you will never experience anywhere else when you hold your little one as she or he has just been born.
    The joy you will see in the eyes as he or she takes their first steps
    The same when they look at you with a smile that can't be reproduced as they pedal their first "two wheeler"
    The joy of watching them walk down the aisle to receive thier HS diploma.
    Yes, there are nightmares.
    Spending a entire night with a kid with the flu vomiting all over the 4 sets of sheets you have for their bed.
    Getting a call that your 12 year old daughter was hit by a pickup truck and launched 47 ft thru the air but miraclously landed in some guys hedges and "just" came out of it with a broken collarbone and 3 broken ribs.
    Been there, done that.
    It's all worth it in the end.
    I'm sure my parents would say the same about my brother and I, if they were members here at XS.

    Quite a few nightmares like broken bones, coupla car accidents, teeth knocked out from tripping face first into the side of a sand box, dehydrated to the point of vomitting flu... there are more. I'm the oldest of two, and I don't think my parents have ever been more proud than at my highschool graduation 2 years ago. We'll see though, my brother is graduating in a little over a month.

    I get the "I remember being able to hold you in one arm" trip down memory lane from my dad all the time. Both of my parents will say the good moments outweigh the bad, no matter how bad my GPA is this semester...
    Last edited by Polizei; 04-25-2008 at 11:16 AM.

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    I think my parents are rather amused at my time at uni. I was rejected from the schools I wanted to go to, and I've adopted a "I need 40&#37; to pass my first year" mindset (1st year doesn't count towards your degree), and its quite obvious. The stories they hear, they just look at me and shake their head in amusement.
    In short, both AMD and NVIDIA discovered that their next-generation graphics cards are superior to each others' last-generation graphics cards.

  15. #15
    Xtreme Enthusiast Kai Robinson's Avatar
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    Kids are overrated and a pain in the arse. I hope i never have any. Worlds too overpopulated anyway, i'll just be doing my part by not having any.

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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai Robinson View Post
    Kids are overrated and a pain in the arse. I hope i never have any. Worlds too overpopulated anyway, i'll just be doing my part by not having any.
    amen.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai Robinson View Post
    Kids are overrated and a pain in the arse. I hope i never have any. Worlds too overpopulated anyway, i'll just be doing my part by not having any.
    Much agreed.

  18. #18
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    I definitely want kids at some point in my life... But probably after I've already established myself financially.
    In short, both AMD and NVIDIA discovered that their next-generation graphics cards are superior to each others' last-generation graphics cards.

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    Quote Originally Posted by perry_78 View Post
    I definitely want kids at some point in my life... But probably after I've already established myself financially.
    You only think you do...

  20. #20
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    No, I definitely know I do. For the time being, I'm living the life of a ski bum.
    In short, both AMD and NVIDIA discovered that their next-generation graphics cards are superior to each others' last-generation graphics cards.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by perry_78 View Post
    No, I definitely know I do. For the time being, I'm living the life of a ski bum.
    Great man, but yeah Kids + Wife (unless you adopt I guess) kills ski bum life for sure

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by perry_78 View Post
    I definitely want kids at some point in my life... But probably after I've already established myself financially.
    If you ever think you are financially established...lemme know how you did it. we wentt from making $40Kish/yr with 1 child...We decided on another one once we were "financially established". Needless to say, our combined income is close to $100K now and we don't feel we can afford another kid.

    Point being, if you wait till you are financially established, you will never have kids. unless you fall in the 5% of the world that actually reach the financially established point...If so, my hats off to ya
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  23. #23
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    I think it depends on what you regard to be financially established. At the moment, I spend all my money on skiing, drinking and rent, which is definitely not the place to be if you want to have kids
    In short, both AMD and NVIDIA discovered that their next-generation graphics cards are superior to each others' last-generation graphics cards.

  24. #24
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    I want 1 kid, possibly 2 but I'd be satisfied with 1. Only problem is I'm afraid of having 1 kid and he/she being spoiled. Kids can be a lot of fun, I love them right up until they start middle-school

  25. #25
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    THREAD RESURRECTION!

    I want kids! and be like will smith from Bad boys 2 xD
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