Joke Thread

Ok what is YOUR best joke????

OK, guys and gals...
Here is a sticky Joke thread.
Post only jokes. No comments to them.
Your day fallin down? Read here.
Wanna spread your joy?
Not in that way yea sickos!~! :D
Post 'em if you've got 'em!~!

www.funny.com

they have millions and i dont want to chouse just one

What's green and hangs on a tree?


A giraffe booger!:(

Q:

Who's the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

A:

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

Husband and wife are in a bad accdient - after reaching the hospital the wife is admitted into atentive care while the husband had escaped with a few bruizes. After hours of surgury the Doctor comes out and says the the husband '' I hsome bad news...," The husband in horror asks for the bad news first.

" The bad news," The doctor explains, " is that we had to cut off both arms and she is aralized from the waist down and will need intensive care for the rest of her life."


"Oh my god whats the good news?" the husband says softly.

" I'm kidding," the doctor smirks, " your wife not paralized she is dead."

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor's office with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doc.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left - nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, still nothing. We even called Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, " You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open."

OK here's a few..

Q. Why do Women wear Make-up and Perfume?


A. Because they Stink and they're Ugly:eek:


Q. Why were shopping trolleys invented?


A. So women could learn to walk on their hind-legs:D

The Third Wish
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever.

"That was your first wish, too!"


Have you noticed that most females make jokes about guys as much as possible and then vise versa with the guys... :D :D :D

Old George
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

33rd Birthday!
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the :banana::banana::banana::banana: did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

mwahahah enjoy! enjoy!
:D :p ;) :) :D

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" and the mother says, "when the baby cries."

They ask, "why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."






:D

A blind man and his guide dog entered a bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" Immediately the bar became silent. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6-foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thought a moment, sighed, and replied. "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to repeat it five times."
:D :p :D :p

What's white and goes up?



A retarded snowflake.:( :(


Yes............................. ah...NO!:)

Here's one:

There's a guy @ a bar, just looking @ his drink for about half an hour. Finally, a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, i was just joking. Here.. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see another man cry." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, i fall back to sleep and i'm late for work. My boss fires me. When i leave the building, i find out that my car was stolen. The police say they can't do anything. I get a cab home, and just as i get out, i remember left my wallet and credit cards in the cab, but the cab driver just drives away. I go inside and i find my wife in bed with the gardener. i leave home and come to this bar. And just when i was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"

One of Microsofts' finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, then the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the problem must be at your end!"

what time does Michael Jackson go to bed?








































...............When the big hand touches the little hand.

Microsoft Engineer


Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up.

The first woman said, "Well, I'm married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a wonderful night of lovemaking."

The second woman said, "Well, I'm married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I've gotten used to it."

The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's gonna be."

*EDIT*
WOOHOO!!! I got the 1000th post on these forums!!!!:p :D :D

Aight, time again to start a joke thread.
So first off is a Christmas joke:

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
**********
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget :banana::banana::banana::banana:o films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of :banana::banana::banana::banana:tail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
**********
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
************
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it???",
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:es cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:s from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little :banana::banana::banana::banana:s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

That was good!:D

Ed Zachery disease...

A woman goes to see a Chinese sex doctor and says "Doc, I need help. My sex life is terrible! I have been on a ton of blind dates, but I can never get the guys to sleep with me." So the doctor tells her to undress and begins to examine her. "You have ok breast, you no stinky, and no hair in funny praces, hmmm. Get on knees and crawl away from me." So she does and the doc says "now turn round and crawl back." Then the doc says, "I bereave you have bad case of Ed Zachary Disease." The woman says, "oh my God, what is that?" The doc says "your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".

I like this one...

Laid Off
A business owner realizes he has to lay off an employee. His last two hires are Jack and Eleanor.
Both employees have the same qualifications, are hard working, and both were hired on the same day.
The boss decides to lay off the first one to use the water cooler the following day. The next morning, Jack and Eleanor walk into the office. Eleanor had been out drinking the previous night and is still slightly hungover. She walks over to the water cooler to take a few aspirins.
The boss walks over to her and says, "Eleanor, I have to lay you or Jack off..."
Before he can finish, Eleanor interrupts.
"Oh, please jack off, sir. I've got this devil of a headache."

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Unh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... a power outage? Aha, okay... we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

**This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, and West Virginia. FLORIDA just recently also made the list
:D :D :D :( :) :rolleyes: :eek: :p

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Just say "no"

Bill takes Sue out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area.
Sue says, "My mother told me that if you pull over to a dark area, I should say no to everything."
Bill replies, "Would you mind giving me oral sex?"