Joke Thread

Ok what is YOUR best joke????

OK, guys and gals...
Here is a sticky Joke thread.
Post only jokes. No comments to them.
Your day fallin down? Read here.
Wanna spread your joy?
Not in that way yea sickos!~! :D
Post 'em if you've got 'em!~!

www.funny.com

they have millions and i dont want to chouse just one

What's green and hangs on a tree?


A giraffe booger!:(

Q:

Who's the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

A:

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

Husband and wife are in a bad accdient - after reaching the hospital the wife is admitted into atentive care while the husband had escaped with a few bruizes. After hours of surgury the Doctor comes out and says the the husband '' I hsome bad news...," The husband in horror asks for the bad news first.

" The bad news," The doctor explains, " is that we had to cut off both arms and she is aralized from the waist down and will need intensive care for the rest of her life."


"Oh my god whats the good news?" the husband says softly.

" I'm kidding," the doctor smirks, " your wife not paralized she is dead."

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor's office with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doc.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left - nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, still nothing. We even called Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, " You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open."

OK here's a few..

Q. Why do Women wear Make-up and Perfume?


A. Because they Stink and they're Ugly:eek:


Q. Why were shopping trolleys invented?


A. So women could learn to walk on their hind-legs:D

The Third Wish
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever.

"That was your first wish, too!"


Have you noticed that most females make jokes about guys as much as possible and then vise versa with the guys... :D :D :D

Old George
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

33rd Birthday!
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the :banana::banana::banana::banana: did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

mwahahah enjoy! enjoy!
:D :p ;) :) :D

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" and the mother says, "when the baby cries."

They ask, "why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."






:D

A blind man and his guide dog entered a bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" Immediately the bar became silent. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6-foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thought a moment, sighed, and replied. "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to repeat it five times."
:D :p :D :p

What's white and goes up?



A retarded snowflake.:( :(


Yes............................. ah...NO!:)

Here's one:

There's a guy @ a bar, just looking @ his drink for about half an hour. Finally, a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, i was just joking. Here.. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see another man cry." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, i fall back to sleep and i'm late for work. My boss fires me. When i leave the building, i find out that my car was stolen. The police say they can't do anything. I get a cab home, and just as i get out, i remember left my wallet and credit cards in the cab, but the cab driver just drives away. I go inside and i find my wife in bed with the gardener. i leave home and come to this bar. And just when i was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"

One of Microsofts' finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, then the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the problem must be at your end!"

what time does Michael Jackson go to bed?








































...............When the big hand touches the little hand.

Microsoft Engineer


Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up.

The first woman said, "Well, I'm married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a wonderful night of lovemaking."

The second woman said, "Well, I'm married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I've gotten used to it."

The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's gonna be."

*EDIT*
WOOHOO!!! I got the 1000th post on these forums!!!!:p :D :D

Aight, time again to start a joke thread.
So first off is a Christmas joke:

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
**********
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget :banana::banana::banana::banana:o films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of :banana::banana::banana::banana:tail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
**********
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
************
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it???",
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:es cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:s from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little :banana::banana::banana::banana:s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

That was good!:D

Ed Zachery disease...

A woman goes to see a Chinese sex doctor and says "Doc, I need help. My sex life is terrible! I have been on a ton of blind dates, but I can never get the guys to sleep with me." So the doctor tells her to undress and begins to examine her. "You have ok breast, you no stinky, and no hair in funny praces, hmmm. Get on knees and crawl away from me." So she does and the doc says "now turn round and crawl back." Then the doc says, "I bereave you have bad case of Ed Zachary Disease." The woman says, "oh my God, what is that?" The doc says "your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".

I like this one...

Laid Off
A business owner realizes he has to lay off an employee. His last two hires are Jack and Eleanor.
Both employees have the same qualifications, are hard working, and both were hired on the same day.
The boss decides to lay off the first one to use the water cooler the following day. The next morning, Jack and Eleanor walk into the office. Eleanor had been out drinking the previous night and is still slightly hungover. She walks over to the water cooler to take a few aspirins.
The boss walks over to her and says, "Eleanor, I have to lay you or Jack off..."
Before he can finish, Eleanor interrupts.
"Oh, please jack off, sir. I've got this devil of a headache."

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Unh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... a power outage? Aha, okay... we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

**This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, and West Virginia. FLORIDA just recently also made the list
:D :D :D :( :) :rolleyes: :eek: :p

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Just say "no"

Bill takes Sue out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area.
Sue says, "My mother told me that if you pull over to a dark area, I should say no to everything."
Bill replies, "Would you mind giving me oral sex?"

A Very Puzzled Blonde



John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For
heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Poke teh bunny!
It's not really a joke, but I like it.

http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html

Quote:

---

Originally posted by JBell


hahah that was good!

---

Have you seen the spank the monkey page?


http://www.vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/flamjam.html

Logic...

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first,
and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Blonde.

Three women who work in the same office notice that
their female boss has
started leaving work early every day, so one day they
decide that after she
leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she
never calls or comes
back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
little gardening,
watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as
she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly
opens the door a crack and
is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!
Ever so gently, she
closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about
leaving early again, but
when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

This little poem came about as an exercise for multi-national translation personnel at the NATO headquarters in Paris. English wasn't so hard to learn, they found, but English pronunciation is a killer.
After trying the poem, native French interpreter said he'd prefer to spend six months at hard labor than reading six lines loud.
English is Tough Stuff
Dearest creature in creation
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I: Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar.
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and droll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Soul but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, knob, bosom, transom, oath.
Through the differences seem little,
We say actual, but also victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, Conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye.
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, brass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging.
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche!
Is it paling, stout and spiky?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough - Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advise is to give it up!!!

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

*********

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL-MATE Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor "may I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmmm, I've never seen that color before." Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feel. Sigh relaxingly. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yellow, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall to sleep on me now." Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
And now, the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other
direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00.
They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL".
He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Jbell... Found a long lost link today for me =]

http://web.njit.edu/~rrs2/yatta.asf


I cant belive stuff like this is really on TV

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot find condoms on the shelves. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his d!ck on the counter and puts a five-dollar bill down next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into the pocket of his white coat. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f&^%ing shoes!"

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

:D

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John
that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John
for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside
and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over
to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,"
John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

hehe, just found this article on the net. i feel sorry for the people that actually believe this kinda stuff... "Hackers can blow up your computer" LOL!

daym! this didn't even deserve the effort to post it!! funny though but stupid as hell!

Heh, I think someone here at Compuserve sent this to a member!

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen d*mn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bulls**t over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fu**ing answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fu**ing line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to p*ss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get p*ssed when we tell you that your system is royally fu**ed. We didn't f**k it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' sh*t shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the go***mned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can p¿¿¿ them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us ¿¿¿uming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fu**ing toaster to Mexico, you can be d*mn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pi**es us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pi**es us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno bulls**t to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and ¿¿¿ess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fu**ed, it's fu**ed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fu**ed. That is of course unless you really p*ss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.


I thought some others here might like it or relate to it..
And Joe, I edited it!! So, I think I need a strike taken off!!:D :D

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
>>> 9. He is one hard judge!
>>> 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
>>> 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
>>> 6. Is it a penal offense?
>>> 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
>>> 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
>>> 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
>>> 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Think you can get me off?
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>> Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
>>> 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
>>> 8. Just stick it in my box.
>>> 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
>>> 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
>>> 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
>>> 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
>>> 3. It's an entry-level position.
>>> 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>>
>>> Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
>>> 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
>>> 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
>>> 7. Look at the size of his putter
>>> 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
>>> 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
>>> 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
>>> 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
>>> 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
>>>
>>>And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Smizack

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

---

LOL! That's funny!:cool:


My wife works at a major call center, and sometimes they have a pervert that always calls and likes to cause trouble! I beg her to give me his number, so I can give that ******* piece of **** a call!:mad: :)

Work or Prison? You Decide

>In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
>At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.
>
>In prison, they get three free meals a day.
>At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.
>
>In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
>At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.
>
>At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.
>In prison, they are provided with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn
>on.
>
>In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
>At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
>
>In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
>At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the
>doors myself.
>
>In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
>At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
>In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
>At work, I must do any learning on my own time.
>
>In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost anytime.
>At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.
>
>In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
>At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.
>
>In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
>At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
>
>In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
>At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay taxes
>to pay for the prisoners.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the Order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29. "I am actually 47. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

How 'bout some Darwin Awards?



On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted
murderer once on death row, but later serving a life
sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was
electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he
watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.


NOMINEE #10 ["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec.
4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion
Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette
lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was
killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in
his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home
about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been
firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into
the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.


NOMINEE #11 [AP, Mammoth Lakes]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding
down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad
removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was
probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.


NOMINEE #12 -
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central
Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate
as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old
man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one
end of which they attached to a net and the other to a
high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news
agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as
saying. "For a while everything went according to the
poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a
certain moment the man holding the net tripped and
fell into the water," the agency said. The other
poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.


NOMINEE 13 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was
killed instantly when it fell on him.


NOMINEE 14 [¿¿¿ociated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A
man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as
a prank during a party.


AND THE NEWEST CANDIDATES: John Pernicky
and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington.
Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat
in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided
that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot
high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends
pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop
over, and then ¿¿¿ist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, the Fence was a 30 foot drop
on the other side. Having heaved himself over he
found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the
ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large
branch which had been snagged by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John
looked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
John crashed below into holly bushes, The sharp
leaves scratched his whole body, and now being
without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a
holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make
matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with
him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing
his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided
to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However,
weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best
course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck.

This is when things went really bad.

Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong
gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash
through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal
was thrown from the truck, suffered m¿¿¿ive internal
injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a
pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man
with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a
knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from
the trees 25 feet in the air.

ad slogans


This supposedly was a real event that took place in a

consulting firm in Chicago.

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising
slogans."

Dividing into 10 groups of three,the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the
essence of Viagra.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions, and created a
"Top Ten List." After all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?

Drivers Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!

Quote:

---

Originally posted by IFMU
Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!

---

Damn! Is your cell phone aight?

Subject: A NEW METHOD
>
> Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the
> trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
> drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
>
> Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
> begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
> that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at
> her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
> "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
> her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the
> back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs
> his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her
> back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
> and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
> breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and
> takes a drink from his beer.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
> Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

:D I haven't tried that one.... Yet..

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS
APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah,
4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,
1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of
Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole
in the head!" - JFK, 1963

And,.....drum roll........

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F"
word.................

Aw c'mon Monica . Who the @#$% is going to find out?"-
Bill Clinton, 1997

Old but funny
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/popt...ey_breasts.asp

Are you Smart enough?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?" Harry answered,"I'm too smart
for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself."

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

:D :D

ever try this one?

we have all been there!

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. Bartender looks at him and asks what he needs. Guys says:

"Beer for me, and one for the road"

Choose Your Condom"



Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's thats simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than eve! r.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little long! er.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.

Beer Truck
Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___| )
(@!)!(@)"""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It is an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?He did okay until his business fell off.

Q: What do poker and sex have in common?
A: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

The Good, The bad, The ugly:

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several :banana::banana::banana::banana: movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your teenage daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

http://www.realultimatepower.net/

This site is funny as hell!

http://www.wsu.edu/~brentd/godkills.jpg

be patient - this is an audio file


http://207.36.66.38/enron/index.htm

Aight found a funny pic or two...

And if someone says this to you:

You can reply with this:

George Carlin for president!




http://www.georgecarlin.com/georgeca...irty/2443.html

Redneck Virgin

Two rednecks fall in love and get married and they go on their honeymoon. The man comes back home without his wife.

One of his family members asks, "Where is your wife?" He answers, "Well, she was a virgin so I killed her."

The family member asked, in shock, "Why did you kill her jut because she's a virgin?!?"

The redneck replies, "If she isn't good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours."

LMAO!!

Just had to post this joke:

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

couldn't say it better myself

You post whore!!:p :p

This is one of my all-time favorites!

Every 14th of february men get the chance to display fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret... guys really don't enjoy this that much.

Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

Another secret... guys feel left out. That's right ... left out. there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 2oth is now officially ''Steak and BJ Day''.
Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.


sincerly;
JBELL

all too true!

follow up!

Q. Why did the former :banana::banana::banana::banana: actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A. Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Wife asks her husband to go to the store and buy her some tampons, he agrees.
Once he gets to the store he realizes he doesn't knwo what they are.. so he asks the lady at the counter and she directs to the back of the store. several minutes go buy and the husband finally returns to the checkout line. Only he isn't carrying tampons but instead several bags of cotton balls and string and other items... the lady perplexed asks '' did you find everything sir?'' trying to be polite.. The husband replies, ''sure did, last week I sent my wife to buy me some cigerettes and she came back with roll paper and a bag of tabacco becuase it was cheaper, I figure if I have to roll my own she has to roll her own!''

Heh! That'll learn her! :p

Top Five's Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You
10> "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
9> "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
8> "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
7> "So, twenty bucks then?"
6> "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
5> "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
4> "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
3> "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
2> "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Clever Thing to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You...
1> "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"

RUNNERS UP list
1."C'mon -- it's too short to trigger your gag reflex."
2."Darling, every time I look into your eyes I see a future that stretches before me like a golden highway resplendent with the promise of a love more deeply fulfilling than I have ever known or ever will know. You are the piece of my soul that has been missing for so many years, and I treasure every moment with you. That being said, how 'bout a hummer?"
3."Look, it likes you! It's waving at you!"
4."No, seriously... like *zero* calories."
5."Studies have shown performing oral sex may help in the fight against gingivitis and tooth decay. No, really!"

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. Two received C's, the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree! We'll grab her...," said the second.
"Yeah," said the third, "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

What's gonna happen for Easter now???

http://www.pleurion.com/seventies/



ROTFLMAO!!

Quotes from "Jaws" in which 'shark' has been replaced by 'lesbian.'

1. "Understand you're having a little lesbian trouble."
2. "Don't know what that bastard lesbian's gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose."
3. "So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The lesbian took the rest, June 29, 1945."
4. "You see a barracuda, everyone says, 'Huh? What?' You yell 'lesbian,' we've got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July."
5. "Why don't we have one more drink and go down there and cut that lesbian open?"
6. "In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer lesbian."
7. "I'm not saying that this is not a lesbian. It probably is, Martin. It probably is."

Johnny is a 3rd grader and every Thursday at the end of the day his teacher asks the class a question. If anyone in the class can answer the question they dont have to come to class on Friday.

Since it is a big reward the question is always nearly impossible. The first week the teacher asked the question, "How much water is in the ocean?" All of the kids in the class guessed at the question but none of them were right.

The next week the teacher asked the question, "How many starts there in the sky?" Again everyone in the classroom guessed an answer but no one got to skip class the next day.

Now Johnny got to thinking and he really wanted to be able to stay home next Friday. So the night before the teacher asked the question Johnny got a couple of golfballs and spray painted them black.

Then the next day the teacher was getting ready to ask the difficult question. Right as the teacher said, "Here is the question for this week..." Johnny rolled the golfballs onto the floor up to the teachers feet.

Startled and a bit angry the teacher demanded, "All right! Who is the comedian with the black balls??"

Johnny stood up and said, "Chris Rock, and I'll see you Monday."

The Beer Drinker's Warm-up Song

DOUGH... the stuff, that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one, who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long way to the beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... La la la la la beer
TEA...... no thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will leave me with no DOUGH.....

Some now ones. hehehe

Bumper Stickers:
Constipated People Don't Give A Sh*t.
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
If You Can Read This, The :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: Fell Off.
Fight Crime ... Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. (Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant)
Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

LMAO!!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and...


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on
her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a
soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fluck!"

ode to protein folding.


Original
Oh baby, baby Oh baby, baby, How was I supposed to know That something wasn't right here Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go, And now you're out of sight, yeah Show me, how you want it to be, Tell me baby 'Cause I need to know now what we've got My loneliness is killing me I must confess, I still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me baby one more time


New Words
O protein Protein, how was i supposed to fold, when p4 wasnt powerful enough, oh hairpin hairpin, my p4 has to go, and amd is in your place now, show me how fast my XP folds, show me baby because p4 blows, because this protein A is killing me, but i must confess i still believe, when im not with my AMD I lose my mind, FOLD ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

LMF'NAO!! I was reading the first paragraph, and was like WTF? isn't that how the song goes? HAHAHAA!

Here's one I get everyone with. It's usually pretty easy to bring up.


"Hey did you know I had Polio when I was a kid?"

Them "really???"

"Yeah, I still got a scar from it..... One of my legs is shorter than the other 2"


They'll get it a few minutes later.. heh.

THE MAN CODE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat .

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULL:banana::banana::banana::banana: . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits


8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.


15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
" Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young kid came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young kid was riding his bicycle when he spotted the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!" the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

A man and his wife went to a fair. The man, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$20 for 3 minutes." the pilot replied.

"That's too much." said the man.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."

The man and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the man, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the man, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."