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well, since we have a lot experience(movieman, etc) members here, I was wondering if they could shed some light on these situations for us
such as marriage, I'm a bit to young for this 17 at the moment, but just wanting to learn :P
lets see if we can get some life lessons, because personally I never want to go through a divorce :/
Best experience is living together (long term) with a woman/girl... But it costs a lot...
I don't have a marriage that has lasted as long as some people's here, but it's 3 years come Wednesday (5-6 years now if you include dating) and I wouldn't think of trading it for the world.
I think I'll probably repeat a lot of what I've been told and that I have seen work: make time for eachother. Not necessarily every day, but regularly and not infrequently. Talk to eachother as well. It doesn't have to be deep heart-to-heart conversations, but make sure to keep lines of communication open.
Be content. If you want the sparkle of early romance every day, you won't find it. You will get to know your partner very well over the years so the chances of you discovering something completely new or having a deep emotional discussion every time you talk will go down noticeably. Don't expect new dynamics every day, but learn to appreciate the ones you have. That's another good one - appreciation. Try to appreciate your spouse every day - I think this is what really makes love deepen.
And, of course, starting out on the right foot helps. Don't rush marriage, I'm sure that's the biggest mistake a person could make. In my own case we did get married after something like 2 years and some change, but we didn't date per-se - we "courted" (it's like dating but without anything remotely physical for a looooong time... like over a year before we started even kissing) which focuses so much more on getting to know the person and makes you learn to look beyond the package. Although I would advocate it to others, I wouldn't expect it from people.... just... yeah, don't rush it.
I disagree. If nothing else, what is the point of marrying someone if you're going to live with them long-term anyway? Because it's "a commitment"? Assuming you've taken any religious aspect out (which you probably have if you're already living together), all marriage is is a statement that you would like to continue living together... and you could have just as easily done that without getting married. This is the fastest way to strip marriage of being something special IMO, and I think a lot of the experts agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGanG
Edit: Oh, and if you are ever looking at getting married - take an introduction to marriage course with your spouse. They exist in plenty. I had to take one with my wife (really, I had to - the priest wouldn't marry us otherwise) and although I wasn't too keen on it initially, after taking it and looking back on it over the last few years - it was a great experience. Well worth the $20 or so and weekend I gave up for it. Lessons like: don't start insulting eachother - if you disagree, you can each argue your side, but never insult one another. If you're religious, I'm sure your faith community has a few of these that you could sign up with, and otherwise they do exist for the non-religious as well.
spending time together is the bottom line when you want to find the right person. simple as that in my opinion
Compromise is the key to success. As long as you are willing to never be right again, your marriage will be fine. (Married for 9 years so far.)
That is the kind of advice I was looking for :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Serra
thank you very much and from nano and gillbot
Well the reason I ask this, is I was dating a girl for 1yr 7months, and then all of a sudden BAM, its over..its like..wow..when you actually thought about spending your life with that person, so yah :/
good life lesson
Sometimes I let people get to close to fast, but most of all its hard to gain my trust, only a few people on that list.. lol
but thank you very much Serra :)
Been with my girl for 5 1/2 years just about....Since I was 16 and she was 17......
Well according to my grandparents (been together for like 50 years?) They both tell me and all my other cousins (about 500 of the bastards) "There is no perfect man or woman out there for you. Nobody is perfect. What you need to find is someone who is perfect for you. You and the other person have too many faults to count." Also "Arguing....you may not want to do it. But you NEED to do it from time to time."Quote:
Originally Posted by Asgard_thor
-yonton228/timmy
Sex and money are the 2 biggest causes of divorce, therefore marry a rich nymphomaniac.
So is timmy your first or last name, or is it the other way around?Quote:
Originally Posted by yonton228
I doubt I ever get married I went through my parents divorce and saw how messed up it all is. My parents are very wealthy people and all that matter was money which is sad but its life. My dad works his butt off and my mom gets tons of it for being a so called mother. So me getting married is welllll lets say there is a more of a chance of me getting hit by a reindeer. The "female" will have to be pretty dam amazing for me to buy a ring for her and call her Mrs.
Plus being single is so much dam fun. Specially after I leave for the Navy. EUROPE HERE I COME.
You are in the Navy. You don't want to get married to a woman. It all makes sense, you are gay.Quote:
Originally Posted by HuffPCair
:rofl: NO, you don't want a nympho. :shakes: You have much to learn about women...Quote:
Originally Posted by Easybeat
Nympho's aren't addicted to sex, really. Nymphomania is no longer even considered a "condition" as it used to be, and now we call people with such a condition "hypersexual", most needing more sex because they never get the "satisfaction" they are craving, which can either be precipitated by, or be followed by, various physical and neurological conditions.
That said, avoid them at all costs, if you can. For fun, ok, but not long-term...;)
:ROTF:
http://xs435.xs.to/xs435/09016/its-a-trap435.jpgQuote:
Originally Posted by [cTx] Nooc
I'm personally in the middle of a breakup and it's hitting me hard. I wasn't together with her for very long, three months or so, but it was serious when it lasted.
It really depends on your personality and on her personality but one thing that one should always keep in mind is to take it slow at first. No matter how in love you are, you need to give it time or there is a big chance that it will go to hell. You need to get used to your partner and them used to you. In my case, she was still getting over her previous boyfriend with whom she was together for 2.5 years. I am just like you Asgard with getting people too close to me too fast, it's part of my personality and something that I am aware of, but it's something which makes the whole "taking it slow" thing so difficult.
Sometimes there isn't anything you can do and whilst "It's not you, it's me" is usually, what seems like, a poor excuse, it is sometimes true.
Yonton228's grandparents are right. My girlfriend seemed perfect on the paper, all of my "requirements" were met and hers too, but in the end there was apparently something missing. Life isn't so simple and you can't always select what you want. I'm sad as hell right now but I expect it to go away with time. I was also already thinking about the future, way too far into it. Sometimes you have to take time in shorter steps.
Marriage is really pointless unless there is a good reason for it - children, financial partnership, taxes, etc. If you have a bad relationship, a marriage won't save it. If you have an OK gig but it could be better, being married might give you the incentive you need to work through whatever issues there might be. And if after 5 or 10 years you're still in love with the same person, then flip a coin - since it doesn't matter then either - you're hooked and so is she. :)
Fixed :)Quote:
Originally Posted by twilyth
Not trying to bring religion into wamps, but marriage is more than just a promise to cohabitate peaceably in religious circles.
(Though I do agree that if you have a bad relationship you shouldn't get married).
I like the avatar Twilyth.
nice to know I have some people I can relate to.
Well, Incore, as fact of being sad, I know exactly what you mean, but just alittle before she broke up with me, I got a dog, so I was able to put my focus on him and such. Also when I had a girlfriend i realized I didn't spend time with the friends that mean so much for me, but they were there welcoming me with opens arms. Next time will be different
I agree with that,Quote:
Originally Posted by Serra
I don't think religion would affect my discuss on a wife, but I would not change religions just for her.
Reminds me, when I used to walk my dog with our neighbor(which is a Jehovah's witness), and seriously like we were spending all this time together, and acted like she liked me, so after a month, I told her I liked her, and she is like your a not a Jehovah's witness, I can't date you- I'm like :confused: , so thats where i'm at, that was 3months ago :/
Just got home from a wedding, my cousin got married :P, maybe ill share pics
Don't get married, it's not worth it at all. Too many headaches, the longer you're married the less you'll get to see puntang and the less sex.
I wish I could mention ALL the CONS of marriage but that will take at least 3 pages and the PROS are?.........almost none except for her having your kid(s) and spreading 'em once in a while.
I've been married for 9 years and two dating, so that's 11 years total and I'm happy but sometimes schit can go wrong very easily.....
After all, 60% of marriages end up in divorce.........
And frankly most of us, if not any of us, would buy a product that has a failure rate of such magnitude...........
Stay with a woman for a long as you both can and if she pushes into marriage? Then it's not worth it, because she wants you to do something you don't want and that right there and then it's your future.
Don't.
well I am not pushing marriage one bit, I need to be deeply and truly in love with her to even want her to move in with me, and after a few years of that, only time will tell. And that she understands, besides "actual marriage" and kids nothing should change in our relationship, because nothing is techically changing, besides saying we are going to be together for ever(that whole wedding thing :P)
when my cousin got married today, I've never seen two happier people, there situation isn't the best, His been to Iraq and Afgan, goes back in 2010, She is due in Feb, and she has a 6 year old from her previous bf
I was on the verge of marriage twice in my 20's... neither one lasted long enough to make it to the alter.... We were close, but the bell never toned.
since then, it's just been hit or miss, but the hit or miss sexual encounters spread way out once you hit 30....
I have to say though, and some of you young testosterone influenced bastiges may say this is sad... but the most loyal, understanding, and always faithful relationship I have ever had, has been with my beloved loyal dachshunds... I have cried more over losing my dog than I have over any woman in my life. they have been the fabric that binds my life into cohesive existence. do not underestimate the power of love, for it strikes all species on this planet.
Thank you. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Serra
IMO, if you could develop a relationship without having sex with your woman before marriage, then maybe you should get married. I mean if you had sex with her before marriage, then you would never know what she really wanted -- sex for fun or a serious relationship? After marriage, you lose your virginity to your spouse, which makes your relationship more valuable and stay strong.
I agree, I have no problem waitingQuote:
Originally Posted by Ashraf
True, it should also be noted that sex does change a relationship though. In some relationships it adds flavor, in others it makes it all worse. This is not to say that one should go do it within the first five minutes of a relationship, it's just something to think about. On the other hand, if one of you is already past the first time, that changes things too.
It's probably good that you have a dog. I personally have exams in three weeks for university and I can't bring myself to study for them because every time that I sit down to study, my mind wanders into subject areas that I'd rather not think about. Distractions are the best, especially if you're confused and don't know what you want yourself.
indeed, sorry to hear about the exams :/Quote:
Originally Posted by inCore
Just live with the person before you propose. You don't know a person until you live with them and have to wash the dishes.
:P indeedQuote:
Originally Posted by [XC] gomeler
Well i have had a lot of "long term relations" experiences while i was young. Now, i know "the deal" or "what to do" and married for 22 years so far & loving each others :) But yeah, that's my opinion...Quote:
Originally Posted by Serra
I think sex is too important to have to sort out after you get married. especially if you're a virgin.
if you're both virgins it introduces an interesting situation. You don't know how either of you will react when you begin having sex. for some it becomes a very central part of life, which can create problems if you've thus limited yourself to a single sexual partner and one-dimensional sexual experience.
If there's only one virgin in the mix that too is a problem. Men, there's no avoiding it, we SUCK at sex the first few times around. It doesnt matter who you are, it will be short and, depending on the person and circumstances, embarassing. As for the female virgin, introduction to sex only after marriage, especially with an experienced husband, can create fidelity problems. Either party can end up feeling like they've missed out.
The first time is nothing 'special'. you can make it special by, say, sharing it with someone you care about and are comfortable enough with, or say by doing it in a strange place like the 19th century classics building of the prep school you were kicked out of, but in and of itself the first time is largely a dissapointment for both parties.
at least, that's my reasoning. sorry if that topic was resolved earlier.
I just read two pages and I'm sitting here going... this kid is 17 yrs ol why is he even thinking about marriage?Quote:
Originally Posted by Asgard_thor
Don't let your testicles dry up to one woman go out and have many women then think about it in oh 10 yrs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asgard_thor
Wait until you find the right woman. The key to knowing who she is is not if you "love" her or not...it's if you realize after some time that she has made you become a better man than you were.;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serra
Serra...your kitten avatar has always made my head want to explode from it's cuteness. I must know though, did the kitty get into some raspberry jam or eat somebody's face off??? IE. Sweet kitten or killer kitten, which is it?!?!?!!?:D
I may of said I was thinking about marriage, that is probably because just like I said, I went to a wedding. I don't planned on being married for awhile.Quote:
Originally Posted by firebane
I just wanted all the information in my head to sink in and ponder
there's a lot of responsibilities to get married ..Quote:
Originally Posted by Asgard_thor
thinking ahead, managing finances, raising a kid ..
getting married also quite similiar to making a company and doing business
it's just doing business is more formal and stricter .. sometimes becoming a boss also requires you to do the minor jobs
Advice?
I'm once divorced, and remarried about two years ago.
1. Communicate. Talk. About everything and anything and nothing. I know guys don't like that but it seriously helps you get an understanding of the other person that you'd never have otherwise.
2. DO NOT focus on sex. While sex is fun, it is NOT the be all and end all of everything. Though you should make a very concerted effort to actually be honest with each other in bed and try to learn each others turn on's and turn off's.
3. Take time for each other. Remember, you chose this person to be your significant other, that means you should spend time together, even if it sometimes means you do things you don't like such as watching a crappy sucky tv show or going to watch a band you can't stand. AND do it without complaint. But expect the same in return.
4. Respect yourself and your significant other. If you can't respect each other, then its over.
5. Trust is paramount. If trust is broken, most relationships will not survive the betrayal. And for good reason.
6. Have fun together. Find things you both like and do them together.
7. Laugh together.
8. Cry together.
9. Realize that this other person IS your best friend in all the world. They will support you when you're down, they will hold you up when you are falling, they will be your rock and you will be all those things for them. Never betray that. EVER.
10. Above all, learn to accept each other for who you are but do not tolerate anyone who wants to change you. If your significant other wants to change who you fundamentally are, then they aren't in love with YOU, they are in love with their image of you. Now, I don't mean "pick up those dirty socks and that wet towel from the floor, and put the cap back on the toothpaste". That kind of stuff is small stuff and you're significant other should be doing them just to be a clean human being and you should do the same for them. No, I mean that, if your significant other hangs out with friends all the time now, go into the relationship knowing that will probably be the case later and don't expect it to change.
11. NEVER EVER TOLERATE AN ABUSER. No exceptions, no excuses. Don't do it. Remember, I talked about respect and this is the pinnacle of respect. For yourself and for the other person. If they are physically, emotionally, sexually, or an abuser of chemicals, do not stand for it. And don't be stupid and put up with it for years. Leave. It will help you both in the long run. It will hurt at first but it WILL get better.
I love my husband. He's my best friend and we have so much fun together. We argue sometimes but so does everyone. I learned alot from my first marriage. I know what to look for now. And my husband.. he's such a truly good man.
You know what he did for Christmas? I thought that we weren't going to get a Christmas tree due to money. And I was prepared to just accept it. This was my very first Christmas in the United States, and back home Christmas was always a very big deal heavily influenced by family Christmas party's. We couldn't have the party that we wanted because we couldn't afford to travel to where our families are this year. Instead, about two weeks before Christmas, I was home sick and asleep. My wonderful fantastic husband did something I totally didn't expect. He went out and bought me a REAL Fir tree for Christmas. And then, when I woke up, we decorated the house together.
He made me cry at the thoughtfullness of it. My first husband would never ever have done such a thing for me. But this wonderful man does stuff like that for me all the time. Like... show up with my favorite chocolate bar, or a single red rose, or something.
I never cease to be amazed with how truly well things are working with us.
Take what I said as you will, but know that what I've said is working very well for my wonderful husband and I. I couldn't imagine life any other way.
thanks alot of info :)
I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world :)