lol - this is NOT a Halloween costume in some states...
Printable View
lol - this is NOT a Halloween costume in some states...
:banana: ROFLMAO...
.
.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
MECHANIC'S ORDERS
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She says to the mechanic, "I don't know It just died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
:D :D
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman :banana::banana::banana::banana:ed her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $2, Handjobs $10," so he asks the lady behind the counter " Mam, are you the one that gives the handjobs." She answers "Yes I am." He says "Then wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich." :p
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from,
and requested the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever hsd before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One
day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing, of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
why's there never been a woman on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.
this guy gets a new job at a :banana::banana::banana::banana:o store.
The first day, the boss says "ok, you got it, i'll be back in an hour"
few minutes later, this redhead walks in, looks around and points to the shelf behind the clerk "how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the black ones, I've never had one of those before" so the clerk makes his first sale.
10 min later, this black lady walks in, looks around and says the same thing
"how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the white ones, I've never had one of those before"
Blonde lady walks in, looks at the dildo shelf and asks the same thing, gets the same 10 dollar response.
she thinks for a minute and points to the lower shelf and says "well what about that plaid one"??
The clerk looks at it and says "Oh, THAT ONE, well that's a "special" one, and it's 100 bucks"
Ok she says, i'll take it, I've never had a plaid one before"
boss comes back and says "so, how'd it go"
Clerk says "well, not too bad, sold one of the black dildos, sold one of the white dildos and I got a hundred bucks for your thermos"
A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How???'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your arse, didn't it?''' :D
It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here's one where not one dirty word is used:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch said, "I cannot tell."
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "it is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
See - I told you so!:D
Fifteen truths
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty dollars.
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of Immigration
Hu's in China
George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if
she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly
sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The
note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7
inches in your pants.
The man after reading this note, sends one
of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know- I happen
to have a Rolls, BMW and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million
dollars in the bank: But not even for a woman as beautiful as you
would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back.
An Oxymoron for you:
Microsoft Works
okay, a cat eats this mouse, right? then the cat chokes....HAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
Hey Jbell, are you coming out????:stick: :p :eek:
Hey....what JB does on the weekend is his\her own business!:stick:
These two goldfish are in a tank, one looks over at the other and says "Hey, you sure you know how to drive this thing"???
C.
:D
.
Might brighten yer day.....
.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the §§§§ out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you
don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is
the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to
the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diahrrea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink
or turn on the light, I'd §§§§ my pants!"
He got the job
Its a long one but a good one. (you have to read it carefully)
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
:D
Heres another for ya.
A Special Night in Iowa
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.