Xtreme Contests

A Blonde decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water. When she went down to the docks to do the deed but a handsome young Newfie sailor noticed her tears.
He and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you can keep me happy."
The blonde shook her head yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?", the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe."
"Lady," explained the captain, "This is the Newfoundland ferry."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!" :lol:

HARD-DISK Woman
- She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman
- She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.>

WINDOWS Woman
- Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right,
but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman
- They say she can do a lot of things but you
mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
- She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman
- Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman
- Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
- She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
- She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman
- Every ten things she says, eight are
nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
- Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting
her, she comes,installs herself and uses all your
resources.

If you try to uninstall her you will lose something,

if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything...

Crazy Laws from Iowa :

It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Dubuque:
Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

Indianola:
The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

Fort Madison:
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Marshalltown:
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants

Ottumwa:
Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

Mum's Dictionary

ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE": Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mum's other name.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football,wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say...

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

4. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!

5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

7. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.

10. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)

A father and son were in a pharmacy one day and the son pointed to the condom display and asked his father the following question. Dad, what is a 3-pack of condoms was used for?

The dad replied, son that is for High School boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one Sunday night.

Oh, I see, said the little boy.

The little boy then looked at the display again and asked, dad what is the 6-pack of condoms for then?

The dad thought for a moment and said, well son that is for college boys, one for Friday morning and one for Friday night, one for Saturday morning and one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday morning and one for Sunday night.

Oh, I see, said he little boy.

A little while later the little boy said, dad well what is the 12-pack of condoms for then?

Without hesitation the father said those are for married men son, one for January, one for February, one for March...

:p:

and more... i hope to not offend. if you are offended please click here.<blockquote>There was a blonde in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat, when another blonde drove by. The blonde in the car got out and hollered to the other one, 'It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and teach you a lesson.' </blockquote>another<blockquote>how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
.
..
...
pick him up & suck his d!@#
</blockquote>more:<blockquote>how do you get a clown to stop smiling at you?
.
..
...
hit him in the face with an axe.</blockquote>tasteless:<blockquote> how did hellen keller break her arm?
.
..
...
she tried to read a stopsign at 40mph.</blockquote>

--slly

This middleaged man is driving home one night and driving a bit fast when behind him he sees the lights of a police cruiser behind him. Having had a bad day at the office, he punches it and for 30 seconds feels cool then deciedes this is foolish as he can outrun neither a radio or a cell phone.
Pulling the car over the officer gets out and asks for the mans license and registration, and then says " Look. it's the end of my shift. If you can tell me an excuse why you were speeding that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go. " The middleaged man pauses and then looks the officer dead in the eye and says "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back".

I flew to Malaysia to pick up a fresh 3.0C SL6WU stepping, only to realize it taps out at 240 FSB! ... This is definately going to be one hell of an RMA process.



Eh, I didn't really do this - April Fools.

This past February I took this dial up support call:
Tech:"Tech Support can I help you?"
User: "Yes, I just got a new computer and I need to set it up."
Tech "OK, this will just take a few minutes. Is this Windows XP?"
User: "yes it is"
Tech "great, ok I need you to ........" and completed the internet connection wizard for XP. After this was completed, I asked " what did you do with your old machine? " Expecting to hear 'I gave it to my (add your favorite relative here) ' i recieved quite a shock when I heard " It's bagged up on the front porch. It got a virus and I didn't want anyone else to get it."
Swear to God. Cross my heart.

Here's my worst true story, i'm Sprayed89.

maybe this will make you guys feel sorry and just give me the prize.

http://www.stlmustangs.com/forums/in...=0#entry167776

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up >his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy". "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume, George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a >question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve". "And what is your question, Steve?". "I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

BAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAH Elisha that joke 0wnz

Why did God create economists?
To make weatherman look good.

The 200 yr old man was presented at a press conference and was questioned by reporters.
"How did you live to be 200 rs old?" one asked.

"it's actually quite simple," the ancient fellow replied. "I never, ever argue."

"That can't be right," the reporter said. "It has to be something else, like exercise, or your diet, or abstinence, or meditation. It doesn't make any sense," he insisted. "Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 200 years."

The old man stared at the young reporter for a few seconds. Finally, he spoke. "Maybe you're right."

An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in exchange for his exemplary behavior the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared.

The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. one colleague said, "Say something wise."

The dean sighed and said, "I should have take the money."

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "undress you, lick you from head to toe, and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hellos?"

In a formal dinner,aa gentleman saw a beautiful charming young lady sitting across from him not far away, and he said,
"If your left leg is summer and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you when school starts (autumn)?"

Concerned that his wife was experiencing some hearing loss, Al consulted a doctor. The physician suggested a simple test to determine how bad the problem was.

That evening Al found his wife at the stove, her back to him. "Hi, honey," Al said in a normal speaking voice. "What's for dinner?" No response.

He took a few steps in, as the doctor advised, and said again, "Hon, what's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Stepping up directly behind his wife, he leaned forward and loudly repeated, "What's for dinner?"

His wife spun around. "For the third time--meat loaf, you deaf bastard!"

A man went to a therapist and said, "Please you have to help me. Every night my wife goes to Larry's Bar to pick up men. What should I do?"

"Just relax," his therapist said, "take a deep breath and tell me where Larry's Bar is."

A young couples are one the beach one day, suddenly, a bee flew into the girl's vagina.
The guy quickly wrap her up with a towel and drove to a hospital.

The doctor said the bee can't be taken out with tools because it went too deep inside. He suggested the guy to put some honey on his penis head, insert it and try to attract the bee. He reminded him that once he feel pain, pull out.
However, he was so nervous that he couldn't get an erection.

Therefore, the doctor suggested, "If you two don't mind, I can have a try at this."
Under deperate situation, the couples agreed.
The doctor quickly took off his pants, put on honey, and started thrusting. After a few minutes, nothing seems to be happening, so the guy asks the doctor, "How's it coming?"

THe doctor replied, "Change of plans, I decided to drown the bee."

Walking through the living room of her apartment, the young woman noticed the window washer's platform inch slowly down to her tenthfloor level. Feeling mischievous, she began a slow, sensuous dance as he came fully into view. Getting no reaction, the woman stripped down to her underwear, adding more suggestive movements to her gyrations.

When the fellow continued his work unfazed by her performance, she slipped out of her bra and panties and launched into a down-and-dirty bump and grind. At last he knocked on the window and gestured for her to come nearer.

"What's the matter, lady," he hollered, "never seen a window washer before?"

Two psychiatrists were talking shop over coffee.
"I have a patient with a split personality," one remarked delightedly.

"That's not so uncommon," the other replied.

"Yeah, but in this case," the first said with a grin, "they both pay."

"I'm baffled by your orange penis," the doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"

The concered fellow shook his head.

"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"

"I don't work. I'm retired."

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh, mostly sit around watching :banana::banana::banana::banana:o tapes, eating Cheetos."