Xtreme Contests

Another true funny story that happened to me.

Alright I went to the gym one afternoon to buff up right. While I was doing some benchies my stomach was starting to ache up. I wanted to go #2 or something, but I hated to go in public bathrooms. So I thought I should hold it in and work out for 30 more minutes until I get home. So while I was doing my benchies...

I remember doing some reps

5...
6...
7....

FARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

I let out a BIGGGGG FART and everyone in the gym looked at me. I WAS SOOO EMBARRASSED!!!! I swore I heard echoes when I let out the nuke. Good thing was I didn't shet in my pants lol. I'm a little big for that but anywho, that's my embarrassing/funny story. Laugh it off.

I left the gym right after ofcourse. I farted then ran out the building... I'm a loser....


but hopefully I win this contest lol.

K, i have a great story, but its way to long to tell, about when my friend and I called Compaq/HP tech support on how to overclock a compaq machine one time when we were drunk. we had the rep email us a copy of the chat, so i'll have to see if we still got it, other wise i'm S.O.L. with it. so in the mean time, here is my joke, and i know its probably to dirty, but anyway, its not what i really want to post but its all i got for now.

2 guys are eating lunch at work, the first guy says to the second guy,
"If you went camping and you woke up with a bad taste in your mouth and a condomb hanging out of your bum, would you tell anybody?"

The second guy replies ,"No."

First guy says "Wanna go camping?"

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
> 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the Woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

:owned: :ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

:D :D :D

and another one

there were these three surgeon's- best of their breed, cream of the crop
the first one said:- 'I'm the best surgeon in the world, a man was hit buy a truck running at 200mph, all his limbs and his heart were reduced to a mush. I fixed it, and today he's the winner of the Olympic Marathon!'

the second surgeon said:- 'you're kidding yourself. A boy had 3/4 of his brain shot out with a double barreled shot-gun; his heart blown out with a magnum, and his arse chopped off with a katana. I patched the kid up and now he's has a doctorate in supercomputing science from MIT, won the MVP in the NFL, and holds the record in the 100m sprint.'

the third surgeon laughed and said:- 'you guys suck. A cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode his horse face first into a freight train. I only had the horse's ass and a cowboy's hat to work with, and now he's the president of the United States.'

:banana: :smileysex :toast:

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”



And Second one :D

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."



:banana: :D :toast:

Guy goes to a hooker.

She says no can do since I'm on the rag and no back door since I have hemorroids.

He says please, I'll pay big.

Thern she gets on her knees and takes out her false eye.

"Stick it there she says"

The guys says ya sure? No problem then and proceeds to screw her eye socket.

When finished he says wow, "this was the first time I ever f**ked someone's brains out"

She says it was great for her too...

After he paid her good and was leaving she says,

"Hey, come back anytime...I'll keep an eye out for you"....

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

CAKE OR BED?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...........

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

A little Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your
father"

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm
a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your
grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother’s room and says, "Look
granny, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and
sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn
anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only
been white for five minutes and I already hate you f**k**g Indians.

THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO 2 SEMI-FINALISTS: A YALE GRADUATE AND A NEWFOUNDLANDER. THEY WERE GIVEN A SINGLE WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD "TIMBUKTU.'".

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE .HE STEPPED UP TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:

"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU."

THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!

NO WAY COULD THE NEWFIE TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT THE NEWFOUNDLANDER CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.

THE NEWFIE WON HANDS DOWN.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said, "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four-point buck. The captain and chief asked, "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer." He came back a half-hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said, "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "What happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."

A middle-aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the
WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name mount & Do.

A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

Tech Support for Knights !

Support: Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?
Customer: Yesterday I've bought your sword...
S: Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!
C: It doesn't work.
S: What does it mean - doesn't work?
C: It doesn't cut the dragon's head.
S: Have you read the manual, sir?
C: A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour- bearer has read it for me aloud twice.
S: Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?
C: Yes.
S: Is that really so? Check it again, please.
C: I've done it, I say to you!
S: Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.
C: Ough!
S: You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir.
C: What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.
S: You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term 'sharp' means here...
C: I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a hardware specialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!
S: Did it work before?
C: I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!
S: Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?
C: No!
S: Are you sure?
C: Well, I only took it out of the sheath.
S: Did you try to grind it yourself?
C: What for?
S: You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?
C: No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!
S: Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?
C: I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!
S: I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.
C: What sources?! I'm in the desert!
S: Don't be so nervous, sir.
C: I'm not nervous!
S: Then why do you pant?
C: Because the dragon is chasing me!
S: Oh, so the dragon is near you?
C: Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!
S: Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.
C: And what if he bites my arm off?
S: Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.
C: Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!
S: Well... okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.
C: Well, he is such... yellow... with a red moustache...
S: It's clear now. You should begin with it. It's a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.
C: And?
S: Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.
C: And what shall I do?
S: Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.
C: Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!...
S: Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.

i dont post here much but i read alot, especially lmao'ing at the the joke thread in wampeteers.. here goes:<blockquote>A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey hops off the mans shoulder and scurries down the bar to where the drinks are mixed. There he finds a tray with olives in it. The monkey eats them all. He then eats all the lemon wedges, then the cherries.
After all of the trays are empty, the monkey scurries down the bar and leaps across to the pool table where he snatches up the cueball and eats that. The bartender says to the man "Did you see that?" The man says "See what?" The bartender says "Your monkey. First he ate all my olives, lemons and cherries.... and now he's ate my cueball." the man said "Don't suprise me, the litle :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: eats everything. Don't worry I'll pay for anything he eats." The man finishes his drink, pays the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the same man re-enters the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey scurries down the bar to the trays and picks up a cherry. He then reaches around and shoves the cherry up his butt pulls it out and eats it. The bartender said "Did you see that?" The man said "See what?" The bartender said "Your monkey, he just shoved one of my cherries up his butt then ate it!" The man said "Don't suprise me, ever since the cueball incident he makes sure it fits first."
</blockquote>another one:<blockquote>A man goes into a bar and asks for shots of drinks, he has a shot of tequila then vomits. He has another then vomits and he does this several times. A leper comes over and says "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you sick"
"no" the man says "it's the guy next to you dipping his chips in your neck."</blockquote>last one, unless i remember more:<blockquote>Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."</blockquote>--slly

** edit: oops, sorry.

Farmer Garge lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Garge called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"


Three days later Farmer Garge called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"


That really sped them up. So Farmer Garge called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the Farmer Garge do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Garge.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Garge a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh,I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.


The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Garge's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS"

An Nova Scotian, Ontarian & a Newfie were in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Nova Scotian cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Nova Scotian calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
The Nova Scotian calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Bluenose Beer from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Bluenoseand takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.

The Ontarian then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Ontarian beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Molson Canadian for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Nova Scotian and
shakes it, thanking him for the Bluenose. When he lets go, the Nova Scotian gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone."
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Ontarian, thanking him for the Molson Canadian. Upon letting go, the Ontarian’s eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face. "Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers Compensation."

Dear Diary...

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with
their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking "What was her first clue?".

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.........

I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00, a pair to which I say ok. And then now go to the jewelry Dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you........ she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2008.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir, he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Newfie.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Newfie. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I crapped myself!"

While I was flying down the road yesterday ("only" 20 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot assh0le?"

I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

A young Newfoundlander moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."
Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid (of course) so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend shot- you might as well go fishin"