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So these three neurosurgeons were having drinks, telling about their most successful cases.
The first - My patient lost all the fingers off his left hand. After I re-attached them, he became a successful concert pianist.
Second - Well, my patient got back from the war with no arms or legs. He's now competing in the Olympics in the 400 meters.
Third neurosurgeon - My patient, a cowboy, got hit by a freight train. All I had was a cowboy hat and a horses ass. Now he's president of the United States.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the
truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought
he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However
even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she
respects him.
2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and
now he is going thru hell.
3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing : "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a
car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands
are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we
will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't
keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having
trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to
speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,
but today is the last day."
WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When
she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She
is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.
-- God created earth and rested. Then God created man
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
rested.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Biology 101
This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"
This happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later. First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the f**k was in that?" She whispers in his ear.... "It's called Blowjob revenge"
A man goes to his doctor for a check-up. After examining the man, the doctor says, "I have some bad news Mr. Smith. It appears that you have tuberculosis, leprosy, and the plague."
Mr. Smith was devastated. He said, "Doctor, that's awful! What can I do?"
The doctor calmly replied, "I don't want you to worry. We'll admit you to the hospital and start you on a diet of pancakes and flounder."
"How is that going to help me?"
The doctor replies, "It won't, but it's all we'll be able to slide under the door."
A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie tells him, "I'll grant you three wishes, but everything you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man says, "Well, you know I hate lawyers, but I think I can live with that. So, first, I'd like a billion dollars."
The genie, blinks and says, "Done. You have a billion dollars in your bank account and every lawyer has two billion dollars."
"Okay," says the man, "next I'd like a Lamborghini Murcielago," and the genie blinks and tells him there's one in his driveway and two in every lawyer's driveway.
The man rubs his chin and says, "Finally, I'd like to donate a kidney."
George Bush, Jr. dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates to await being let in. Upon arrival St. Peter asks, as he does everyone, "Name and occupation?"
George W. replies, "Ah George W. Bush, 33rd President of the United States."
St. Peter replies, "I'm sorry to have to do this, but we got a lot of people coming through here claiming to be people they aren't. Can you prove that you are indeed George W. Bush, 33rd President of the United States?"
Offended, George Jr. exclaims, "I was the ruler of the free world. How dare you ask me to prove who I am."
St. Peter replies, "I'm sorry sir, but when Einstein died he had to prove the theory of relativity. When Picasso died, he had to paint something. Now you're here and I need some proof that you're who you say you are."
"I can fully appreciate that," says the younger George Bush. "But who is Einstein and Picasso?"
St Peter replies, "That will do just fine, Mr. Bush. You may go ahead on through."
One night in a restaraunt, a patron stood up, pointed at her 8 year old son and screamed "Oh my god, my son is choking - he swallowed a quarter!"
A man at a nearby table rushes over, grabs the kid at the groin and squeezes and, sure enough the quarter pops out.
The woman tells the man "you saved his life. How can I repay you.
The man says 'That's not necesary - it's what I do for a living."
The woman asks "Are you a fireman, or an EMT?"
The man replies, "No - I work for the IRS."
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, "See I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Sorry it comes with only drivers for the commodore 64.:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :DQuote:
Originally posted by zakelwe
Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?
Regards
Andy
maybe we shoudl make it so the post count doesnt increase in here so cena would shut up...
Now John, the contest is about making us laugh! NOT rip our hair out in frustration! :D :D :DQuote:
Originally posted by John Cena
Me myself is A story and it is clearly true that IT SHOULD BE I JOHN CENA THE WINNER OF THIS PRIZE.
Quote:
Originally posted by John Cena
HAHAHHAHAHAH OMG HAHAHHAHA HAHAHHA OMG HAHAHHAHAH ROFLMAO!!!! LMAO!!!!
:spam:
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
I thought this was pretty funny
Why is a woman like a kfc? because once youve got past the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all thats left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in
:p:
This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!]
An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,!
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.
The sales lady is just scared if something inside the container
will bite her actually there's nothing inside it. She sreamed
because too scared...hahahahhah.
Keep em comming....... were all laughing good job yall....
i dont know if this too raunchy or not...but here it goes
What do you call a quarter-pounder with cheese?
An anorexic with a yeast infection!
Why do women collect more cats as they age?
I'll let you guys try and guess the answer, but i'll give a hint: fresh.
The Alaskan robotics team and I were taking our yearly trip down to the lower forty-eight to compete with our robot against dozens of other teams in one of the regionals. This year, we decided to head down to the Pheonix regional, where it is nice and hot. The trip was going just fine, and we were even staying in a really nice luxerious hotel. The hotel had a gigantic court yard where there was a massive clear water pool in the center. We thought that I'd be good to go swimming in there alot, because there wasn't much else that we could do till the van got back.
So, it turns out that we all get in the pool, everythinig goes good for the first two days, we have fun, meet people, socailize, the works. But it was the first time that we were out at the pool late night, and there was this football laying next to the pool. So, we go and start playing with the football, tossing it back and forth. As we are doing this, two of the most gorgeous teenagers enter the court yard and dive into the pool. "Wow," we think to ourselves.
The stench of rug munching was strong, but we persued it none the less. We tried our best, attempts of getting to meet these two girls, but it was just futile to get to know them at all. But then, we strike up an ingenious idea! We'll toss the football close to them to have a reason to go say chat with them. The plan seemed perfect, at the time. We had gotten a few good words in with the ladies when my friend decides to toss me a long one, as I'm all the way across the pool from him. He throws the football, and it goes long, way out of the pool area. Oh well, I go and get the ball, and I start running back to throw the ball right back at him. That is where I made my mistake.
The two girls had left their rather slick bathing suits on the pool edge, and as I threw the ball, I slipped and hit my head on the pavement, instantly knocking me out cold. When I awaken, I find myself laying next to the girl, out cold as well. My friends had moved the two of us out of the pool, and told me that when I threw the football, it was just out of reach of his catching distance, and it skipped across the water, NAILING the girl in the back of the head, with a pig-skin football. She immediatly fell to the ground, knocking her out cold. If it at all matters, I still got to have my few words with the girls, regardless of the cost:)
Question: What's the difference between going to jail and installing a new Microsoft product on your computer? Answer: When you go to jail you get one free phone call.
Here is another one from me:
A customs-house officer seached a very sexy young lady for weapons, bombs and etc. The quicky hands of the officer came to the incredible breasts of the young lady. He grind them and in a moment his palms froze! The officer bunumb himself, and broke into a cold sweat. The women screamed : Help! What are you doing, Idiot! Get your hand out of there! In this moment the officer said embarrased: To take them off, but i can't. I've pushed two buttons and I'm scared something not to explode!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."
Hire is some
This Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.
This Mama is so fat, that when I put her on the family tree the branch broke
This mama is so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook
This mama is so stupid that she jumped off a cliff and stopped for directions.
This mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.
A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
Sexual Olympics
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
:banana: