A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.:smileysex
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A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.:smileysex
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
Ok, I'm sitting @ work here and sales is kinda slow today, so I'm going to start slinging the jokes.... :)
What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
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What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin?
Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death wish.
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What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?
They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
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A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''
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There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
:banana: :banana: :banana:
What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley. :)
(that's one place I wouldn't mind visiting ;))
A Flaky Blonde
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
:) :) :)
Bad Day Blondie
How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
The pope is working on a crossword puzzle and asks his assisitant, "Can you think of a four letter word for 'one type of woman' that ends in u-n-t?"
"How about aunt?" says teh assistant.
"Oh, yeah," says the pope. "You got an araser?"
Q: What happens when a lawyer take viagra?
A: He grows taller
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and finds teh elephant dead.
"Damn," says the ant, " one evening of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a frickin' grave."
The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.” :)
No pun intended, Flounder ;)
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F." :p
OK heres a really bad one to tell you blond girlffiend!
What's the diffrence between a blond and a mosquito?
A mosquito will stop sucking when you slap the sh*t outta it!:D
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Baston
during my Freshman year that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."
The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"
:p
What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?
They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water." :)
water?? hydrochorlic acid sounds nicer.....
You got that right! ;):DQuote:
Originally posted by JBELL
water?? hydrochorlic acid sounds nicer.....
Nah - Aqua Regia - a mixture of Nitric and Sulfuric Acids. Even dissolves gold, hence the latin name: Noble Water.
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That's just frost on my mustache.”
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0
beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I
used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in
my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0
still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the
immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with
your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've
never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of girlfriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the
resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to
FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top
of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he
can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you
try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.:doh:
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks,"Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."
A little boy was staying at his grandmothers house. In the morning, his grandmother was about to take a shower and the boy asked if he could take a shower with her. She said yes and when they got in the shower, the little boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked her what 'it' was.
"Oh, that is just my Beaver' she replied back.
Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."
Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother was about to take a shower. He asked if he could get into the shower with her. His mother said yes and this time he points to his mothers privates and asks, "What is that, mommy?"
His mother, a little embarrassed replies, "Why that's my Beaver, honey. Why do you ask?"
"Well.." says the young boy, "Grandma has a Beaver too, but I think it's dead, because it's tongue hangs out."
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!