Joke Thread

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of a moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose 'love call'. Soon, their call was answered by bull in the forest.
Again they called, and the bull answered came crashing out of the woods and steamed toward the hunters. As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the man in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him!"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

A couple had been married 20 years, and every time the couple made love the husband insisted on shutting the lights off. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of making love, she turned the lights on.She looked down and saw her husband holding a cucumber. "You impotent bastard!!" she yelled" How could you have lied to me all these years? You had better explain yourself!!"The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll explain the cucumber if you explain the three kids."

A woman is lying in a bed in a hospital after recently giving birth and her new born baby is asleep in the cradle beside her when the doctor walks into the room. The doctor picks up the baby, throws it in the air - letting it land on the floor. He picks it up again and throws it against the walls a couple of times before drop-kicking it out the window.

"My baby, My baby" The woman screamed with horror. "You killed my baby!".

To which the doctor replied. "Ha ha, April fools it was already dead!"

IRS
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
**POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.




The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Taliban joke:


So this large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

“One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!”

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!”

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!”

A rich white guy in Louisiana decided that he wanted
to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and
neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token black guy
in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of
his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting
with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said,
"I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll
give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to
jump in."

The words were barely out of the rich white dude's
mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned
around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff
like head butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air like
some kind of Japanese Judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to
the bottom like a Wal-Mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I
reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million
bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche,
a Rolex and some stock options?"

The brother said "No."

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the mother :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: who
pushed me in the pool.":o

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "my son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."


-SOCOM

I dunno.. Thought this was worth the cut and paste..


*Man A Chemical Analysis*

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short
as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving
for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in
others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction
with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted
form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
possible.


b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those
of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo...
c) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under
correct conditions.

-SOCOM

An old couple have been married for many years when the husband contracts a fatal illness. As he is lying on his deathbed awiting his last moments he smells the most wonderous of scents wafting up from the kitchen, the mouthwatering scent of his favourite cakes.

The smell and thought of these cakes fills him with a new lease of life along with the thought that his wife has baked his favourites as a sign of her love for him.
With his muscles and joints groaning in protest he manages to sit upright, sweat pouring down his face from the supreme effort.

He tries to get out of bed but his legs are weak and his muscles atrophied from lack of use and he collapses on the floor.

The fresh baked smell fills his nostrils once more and fills him with determination.

Inch by torturous inch he drags himself to the stairs. His heart feels like the next beat could be its last but he refuses to give up until he has tasted one of those cakes.

Eventually he makes it to the bottom of the stairs and slowly drags himself into the kitchen.

There in front of him, on the table, is a large rack of freshly baked cakes, filling the whole kitchen with their wonderous scent.

Slowly he begins to drag himself up the table until finally his prize is in his grasp. He reaches out his skeletal hand towards a cake.......when SMACK!! down comes a spoon on his knuckles, wielded by his wife.

"Hands off you greedy f**ker, those are for the funeral."

.

IFMU, This one's for you!;)

Quote:

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Originally posted by Smizack
IFMU, This one's for you!;)

---

LoL!!!!!

hehe... Rock on!~! :D

http://home.attbi.com/~kev63/halo.JPG

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given
>a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the
>doctor's office with an empty jar.
>
>"What happened?" says the doc.
>
>"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
>right hand, then her left - nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with
>teeth in, then with teeth out, still nothing. We even called Arlene, the lady
>next door, but still nothing."
>
>The doctor bursts out, " You asked your neighbor?"
>
>"Yep. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open."

A Bad Golf Day

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN........
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey watch this!"
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words of the Star-spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start your engines!"
You lit a match in the bathroom, and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
At some point in your life, you've been too drunk to fish.

:toast: :D :toast:

What is the diff between an eptiliptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarhea?



well the oyster shucker - shucks between fits.

(I hate Rosie O'Donnell)

Rosie O'Donnell and her driver are cruising down a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the Mercedes. The driver tries to dodge the livestock, but ends up slamming into it, instantly killing the animal. Eyes brimming with tears, Rosie implores her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car in disarray. He's holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a cigar in the other. "How did it go?" Rosie asks.
"Well," the driver says. "The farmer gave me this expensive champagne, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me."
"My God," Rosie says. "How did that happen?"
"I just walked up to the door and said, 'I'm Rosie O'Donnell's driver, and I just killed the cow.'"

Quote:

---

Originally posted by JBELL
What is the diff between an eptiliptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarhea?



well the oyster shucker - shucks between fits.

---

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!


ROTFLMGDAO!!!!:D :D :D

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl
says "Hi, my name is
Kelly and you are losing some of your load." The
trucker ignores her and
Proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for
another red light and the
Girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and
the trucker lowers the
window and she says "Hi my name is Kelly and you are
losing some of your
load!" He ignores her again and continues down the
street. The trucker
stops
for still another red light and the girl catches up
again all out of
breath.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Kelly and you are losing some of
your load!" He dismisses
her and starts off down the street, then stops. The
trucker gets out of the
truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my
name is Andy and I am
driving a SALT TRUCK!" :p :D

Pat and Mike were very good friends.

One day Pat came over to Mike's house to visit, but when he entered the
home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding their baby and trying
to put up curtains at the same time.

She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while
I finish the curtains?"

A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How ya doin, Mike?"

Mike replied, "I'm holding my own".

That's when the battle started.

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two A**holes on that camel.'" :)

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Because they can get bombed at home.
:eek: :D :p

Ok, one last Osama joke...

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

DUCK!!!
:p