Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got his gas bill!
that joke is soooo old... at least in Belgium ;)Quote:
Originally posted by TheDude
You have stooped to a new all time low JB....you sick ยงยงยงยง!
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Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got his gas bill!
that joke is soooo old... at least in Belgium ;)Quote:
Originally posted by TheDude
You have stooped to a new all time low JB....you sick ยงยงยงยง!
Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary:
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said:
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said: "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said:"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
a women goes to the doctor, because she has a terrible pain in the bottom of her belly. the doctor has a look at it, and sees there were maggots growing inside of her womb.
the doctor asks the women how that got into her. the women didn't know, because she didn't have any abnormal sexual activities.
then the doctor asks the women: "hm... does your your husband perhaps work at the morgue?"
whats the diff between getting caught by a speed camera, and going down on a women???
when u go down on a women u can actually see the c*** behind the bush........ :D
what did the number 0 say to the number 8?
nice belt.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and she would gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop letting them rip because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him he should see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to let them rip! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound >asleep and,gently pulling back the covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled onto the floor laughing with tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she got him back pretty good. > > > > >About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!
What do you get when you combine holy water and prune juice?
A religious movement.
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."
LMAO!!
Quote:
Originally posted by apathy^2
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."
LOL! that was a good one thanks :toast: :)
That Jane Fonda's Workout DVD is amazing,it really works,I've only had it for 10 days and I've got a right arm Like Arnold Schwarzenegger already.
Okay heres a joke
How did the old man with a heartpacer die? He visted a Magnet shop.
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall
asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted
:smileysex ....
to: Technical Support
subject: Software problems.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favourite applications. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me please?
Thanks, Joe.
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely
that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend
7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or
purge the program file from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the
original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course
of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid
excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system
will run smoothly, as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers
2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
While she was flying down the road yesterday (20 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:?" he asked,
to which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"
Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
The look on that cop's face: PRICELESS
Hahaha i got the Mom 65.24 and it is not a user friendly program..Quote:
Originally posted by Bulldog
to: Technical Support
subject: Software problems.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favourite applications. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me please?
Thanks, Joe.
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely
that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend
7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or
purge the program file from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the
original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course
of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid
excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system
will run smoothly, as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers
2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
btw rotflmao
....
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every
week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Marys."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a
week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a
gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her,
as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest. Her dress is green and very sho rt, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and
dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer. One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates. A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem. "Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?" Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway." Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:
Dearest Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle. Love always, Mike
Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:
Dearest Michael, I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now. Love, Mother
ROFL.... heres my joke: two irish men walk out of a pub.
A young blond woman in Delaware was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Delaware River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship." I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy. The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a ro! utine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and, in return, he's screwing me".
He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Cape May - Lewes
Ferry
A cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "! Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Which bees produce milk? Boobies!! :banana4: w00t.
...Quote:
>Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic????
>>The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
>>University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
>>Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
>>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)or
some variant.
>>One student, however, wrote the following:
>>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.
>>As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
>>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.
>>This gives two possibilities:
>>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>>2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
>>So which is it?
>>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already
frozen over.
>>The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
just passin it along.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting and smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude!!...... how much water did you drink?!!
a guy plans to have a party and wants to invite all kinds of people, both him and his gf are making a list who to invite. but whenever he mentions any of his good pals she doesnt want them invited. so hes starting to get annoyed and asks her wth she doesnt like about his good buddies ,she replies:
"matt is a horrable kisser, frank keeps biting my nipples and peter makes discusting sounds in bed... do i need to go on?"
:lol:
hope its still funny in english, not that easy to translate jokes and keep them as funny :D
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other
kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See?
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
"Very good", said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of perfect 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
:rotf:
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up at night wondering if there was a dog.
:D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peckers
Good one. :ROTF:
This may not be a "joke" per se but I found it so damn funny I had to host it:
http://www.mattoverclocked.com/christmascarols.wmv
For fans of Larry the Cable Guy especially, enjoy. :toast:
what's purple, stinks and sits in my front yard?
It's my woman and i'll paint her any color i want to.
--slly
lol :D
{tasteless}
what's better than winning first place in the special olympics?
not being retarded.
what's better than second place?
ICECREAM!!!
how did hellen keller break her arm?
she tried to read a stop sign at 40mph.
{/tasteless}
--slly
Re: Divine Intervention
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days,
and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a
test that will run
two hours, and I will judge who does the better
job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded files.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was
faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of
course-the electricity
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in
the Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of
them restarted their
computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's
gone! It's all
GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the
past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
8. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
11. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don't even notice.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
15. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
16. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every
newsstation: "STORM WATCH 2004."
17. You pass by a high school and most of the kids you see are
talking on a cell phone.
18. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
20. Hey! Is Pot Illegal????
21. The Terminator is your new Governator.
22. You're considered a foreigner in any other state.
23. Your car is larger than your apartment.
Hahaha, that's great!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Bulldog
FUNNY DRINKING STORY
PERHAPS THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER TOLD.
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in Minnesota.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their
vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.
This breathalyser equipment must be broken.
I doubt it, said the man. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
Doctor Dave had had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
.
Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go. . . "
.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering . . "Dave . . . .you're a vet".
if there's a black man and a mexican man in a car, who's driving?
teh p :rolleyes: lice
Q: How many gay guys can you fit on a bar stool?
A: Four, turn it upside down!
YNB
LOL, eventhough i disagree with homophobiaQuote:
Originally Posted by YanBooth
I am not a homophobe, I just heard a funny joke, and shared, happens to be about gays...
Yan
What's brown and sticky?
A STICK :woot:
If you do not find dead baby jokes funny, then STOP READING IMMEDIATELY.
<START POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS>
What's worse then finding 100 dead babies in a garbage can?
Finding one dead baby in 100 garbage cans.
What's worse than findind one dead baby in 100 garbage cans?
Finding 100 dead babies in one garbage can with one on the bottom eating its way out.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
</END POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS>
:ROTF: I love dead baby jokes.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian.
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around either barefoot or in sandals.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Almost crying...
What's the Difference between a :banana::banana::banana::banana:ney and a Smartie ?
Smarties don't melt in the Tube.....
Sick i know... But quite British in its black gallows humour
i no that this is a really long read but its really worth it....i laughed for more then half an hour when i first read this....trust me you wont regret the time spent reading this
as an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.
Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as Adobe's Photoshop and Microsoft's Word, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: "Peter is a computer hacker!"
As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.
After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.
After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.
To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.
1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?
Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.
I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult" content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.
2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?
Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".
The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.
3. Has your child asked for new hardware?
Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.
If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. These security features include something called multipliers. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.
4. Does your child read hacking manuals?
If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.
There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.
If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.
5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?
If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.
6. Does your son use Quake?
Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.
If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.
7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?
As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.
Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.
8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?
BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.
Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.
If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.
9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?
If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.
10. Is your son struggling academically?
If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku" hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.
I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.
the funny thing is that the guy was serious
He can't be serious can he??? Some people are so clueless about everything it is crazy, and I am not just talking about technology... "Peter" was obviously just becoming a teen, and this "model dad" completely failed to realise that...
Yan
yeah i feel so bad for that kid to have a jakassed dad like tht with all the false pride ignorance and just basic failure in the world....
http://thisisacryforhelp.com/jokes/babyj.htm PAGES of two-liners. enjoy! :clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by vlad
Saddam is walking along and finds a magical bottle which seems to hold a Genie. He rubs the bottle and the Genie appears.
She says to him; "I can grant you but one wish oh un-shaven one."
Saddam; "I thought it was three wishes?"
Genie; "It's just one wish."
Saddam thinks to himself; I shall trick this Genie. He then demands; "My one wish is to share my Bed with three American women."
Genie; "Your wish shall be granted."
In the morning he awakes to find Tanya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hilary Clinton in his bed. To his horror, his knees are broke, his penis is cut off and he has no Health Insurance!
HAHAHA
lol heres one related to that
saddam uncle sam and some dude are stranded in the desert...the guy was stoping uncle sam and saddam from killing each other the entire week they had been stranded....while they were walking one day he stumbled upon a lamp an a genie poped out.....since there were three of them the genie gave them one wish each...since the dude had found the lamp he gave him the first wish....well he wished to get the :banana::banana::banana::banana: out of there....the next was saddam and he wished for a huge wall to be built around the holy land, and for all of his people, he wanted this wall tho be infinatly high and keep out all the infidels....the wish was granted and he was transported to the holy land....meanwhile uncle sam has been wating patiently....when the genie asks what he wants he responds...."noy your sure nothing can get in or out of this wall right?" "yes" "100% inpenatrible?" "yes"
Fill it with water
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said
that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said,
"This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing,
she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with
every decision
you make
and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never
ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will
NEVER
have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
good one.....
the absent minded guy who unbuttons his collar and pisses his pants?
An oldie but a goodie! :thumbsup:
Three men sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said that he had married a Northern Irish girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
The perfect man and the perfect woman were driving down a snowy road on Christmas eve. Out of nowhere , Santa's sleigh came crashing down into the car. Who survived?
The solution is an easy excercise in logic...
If you believe in Santa Claus at this age, you're a bit nutso and any woman will tell you there is certainly no such thing as the perfect man....
haha :clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by geoff2k
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
\/
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
just got one from friend
a woman went to autoshop and said
i wanna buy "710"
710??? no one knows what the xxxx is that
she said, every car has 710!!!!!!
everyone searchs google and yahoo
but still no result.....
then..... they ask her to draw it!!!!
it look like this.....
http://photo.cdpa.cc/albums/userpics...ShowLetter.jpg
710 :lol2: aint that the truth!
lololol!!!!
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:
1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The secretary changing the toner accidentally drops a pen into the office laser printer and can not retrieve it. She then makes up a sign to warn people of this problem.
The sign reads:
Please Don't Use
PENIS STUCK in Printer
OOPS... The PEN and IS is a little too close together... Not Good, but a hell of a laugh for the users walking up to read the out of order sign!
and I found this
http://picture.funnyjunk.com/pics/warning.gif
1. I have moss growing:
A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth
2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:
A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat
3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
4. I think sheep are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live
5. The Usenet Oracle is:
A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me
6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:
A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures
7. Bill Gates is:
A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist
8. In general, people:
A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?
9. My friends are:
A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am
10. My dream vacation is:
A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee
11. My job prospects are:
A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?
Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.
19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.
13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.
7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...
0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?
A spokesman for 60's band "The Animals" has today appologised stating that they was mistaken and there isn't a house in New Orleans after all..
A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"
Olllldddddd.... But still funny as hell.
One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.?
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him
George what's the best thing I can do to help the country?
Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did. Washington advises
and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, Tom
please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?
Respect the Constitution as I did. Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.
The third night is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see
the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers Franklin. What is
the best thing I can do to help the country?
Help the less fortunate, just as I did FDR replies and fades into the
mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads,
Abe what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?
Lincoln replies. "GO SEE A PLAY"
"GO SEE A PLAY" :clap:
Watercoolin' - n00b style :p:
>>>CLICKY<<<
:D
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
RETIREMENT
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."
If something needs counting, why does everyone always get polish people to do it?
CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors??
-cause if it had 4 doors it`d be a chicken sedan. :p:
A hot dog walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool, bangs the counter and says, "Bartender, give me a double shot of your best whiskey!".
To which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food". :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ugly n Grey
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl:vvv
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised........" ...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I tak e a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vapor
Lol :D :D
@Vapor LOL
And as we talk about Priests, here's another.
A Priest gives a ride to a young Lady.
She is wearing a short Skirt.
When he shifts the gear the first time, he touches her thigh.
She then says to him, Father remember Vers. 129.
He Cant remember it, and immediately pulls his Hand to him self, as he thinks it must be something with the Devil.
This happens a couple of times more, and every time, his Hand gets higher and higher up her thigh.
When he comes Home, he runs over to his books and finds Vers. 129, which says.
Reach higher and you'll find Paradis
reproduced from memory, forgive the typos...
A young man named Mikee made a deal with Frisch and traded Frisch a perfectly good 9800pro for a magic ladder. Frisch told young Mikee "just put the ladder in the ground and say "climb" three times. Your ladder will reach to the heavens". Frisch then went on to explain a number of things and told about four platforms, things that Mikee promptly ignored.
Mikee being a skeptic didn't pay too much attention but had thought it worth a shot. So home he goes and sticks the ladder in the ground and says the magic words. The ladder shoots off into the heavens causing Mikee to pee himself a bit, but that does not stop him from getting on the ladder and starting to climb, higher and higher and higher.
Sometime about half a day later he comes across a platform. On the platform is a not a bad looking chicita, Mikee rates her about a 7 in his head and then she beings to speak. "You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Being the gambling sort Mikee heads off up the latter.
Sometime later he comes upon the second platform and on it is a stunningly beautiful woman. Mikee mentally rates her a 9.5 out of 10 just before she speaks. "You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Being the gambling sort Mikee heads off up the latter.
Finally he arrives at the third platform. There he beholds such a vision that he doesn't even give her a number, he just stares and drools all over his Donald Duck T-Shirt nearly weeping with the beauty that is this woman."You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Now Mikee is pretty darn tempted, he figures this is it...THE most perfect being in the universe. But, being the gambling sort -Mikee heads off up the latter.
Sometime later he reaches the fourth platform. As he steps foot upon it, the ladder below him disappears. He glances up to see this final reward and sees the most horibble troll he has every seen in his life. This guy is huge, almost seven feet tall and is covered in warts everywhere, with the occasional fly buzzing about his ears. Dangling between his legs is an appendage Mikee initially took to be a third leg. Scared witless and more than a little shaken, Mikee asks "Who are you?" in a quavering voice. The ugly vision before him responds "I'm Cess"
from http://austin.craigslist.org/about/b.../60286784.html although i've heard it before
Quote:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
I just started a chain email with that one, LOL.
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says:
"Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:
"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies:
"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
"The blonde says: ........."Don't you have a vase?"
World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom
Heed this warning - DO NOT loose your grandkids in the Mall!!!!!!
A small boy was lost in a very large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed police officer and said, "I've lost my Grandpa"!!
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, " Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits."
again, old, but still fun to read.
Quote:
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for some conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said,
"It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself..."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said,
"You know,I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."
She gasped, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a
little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.