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Joke thread #2
ad slogans
This supposedly was a real event that took place in a
consulting firm in Chicago.
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising
slogans."
Dividing into 10 groups of three,the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the
essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions, and created a
"Top Ten List." After all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?
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Drivers Education Exam Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
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Quote:
Originally posted by IFMU
Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
Damn! Is your cell phone aight?
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Subject: A NEW METHOD
>
> Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the
> trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
> drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
>
> Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
> begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
> that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at
> her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
> "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
> her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the
> back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs
> his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her
> back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
> and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
> breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and
> takes a drink from his beer.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
> Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
:D I haven't tried that one.... Yet..
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top ten times...
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS
APPROPRIATE
10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah,
4314 BC
9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,
1926
5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of
Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole
in the head!" - JFK, 1963
And,.....drum roll........
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F"
word.................
Aw c'mon Monica . Who the @#$% is going to find out?"-
Bill Clinton, 1997
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Britney
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Are you Smart enough?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?" Harry answered,"I'm too smart
for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself."
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A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
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Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
:D :D
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Fire!!!!
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reality
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. Bartender looks at him and asks what he needs. Guys says:
"Beer for me, and one for the road"
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You chose yours
Choose Your Condom"
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's thats simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than eve! r.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little long! er.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.
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Joke
Beer Truck
Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!
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| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___| )
(@!)!(@)"""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It is an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.
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Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?He did okay until his business fell off.
Q: What do poker and sex have in common?
A: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
The Good, The bad, The ugly:
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several :banana::banana::banana::banana: movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your teenage daughter borrowed them
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
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Ninja own j00!
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how many have you killed?
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Another ENRON joke
be patient - this is an audio file
http://207.36.66.38/enron/index.htm
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funny pics thread...
Aight found a funny pic or two...
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And if someone says this to you:
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Way too cool!!!
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Damn rednecks!
Redneck Virgin
Two rednecks fall in love and get married and they go on their honeymoon. The man comes back home without his wife.
One of his family members asks, "Where is your wife?" He answers, "Well, she was a virgin so I killed her."
The family member asked, in shock, "Why did you kill her jut because she's a virgin?!?"
The redneck replies, "If she isn't good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours."
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LMAO!!
Just had to post this joke:
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
