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From the day of their wedding two years before, Maggie had been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Honey," he said, "if I told you, you'd just get mad."
"No, I promise I won't. Please," she pleaded.
"Well, OK. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven...."
"I've got good news and bad news," the lawyer told his client, a convicted murderer. "The bad news is that they're still going to electrocute you at sunrise tomorrow."
"Jesus! What's the good news?"
"I got the voltage reduced."
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a lightpole, several bystanders ran over to help. A woman was first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in, pushed her back and barked, "Step aside, lady. I've had a course in first aid."
The woman watched his procedures for a few minutes, and then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me, but when you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm right here."
Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep
Lots of great entries, gonna be a hard decision to pick the best.
feel free to pick me fugger!
need some cooling upgrades.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A woman was selling pretzels on a New York City street when a man came by, put down 25 cents and walked away without taking a pretzel. The next day, the man again put down a quarter and again walked away without a pretzel. The same thing happened for 3 months.
One day the fellow left his 25 cents and began to walk away as usual when the woman shouted, "Mister, just a second."
"I knew you'd eventually ask why I never take a pretzel," he said with a smile.
"No," she replied. "I just want you to know that the pretzels are now 35 cents."
What's safe sex to a politician?
No press
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
A Texas oilman settled back for his annual dental checkup. After completing a thorough examination, the dentist had good news. "Henry, your teeth are in great shape. There isn't a thing we need to do to them."
"Drill anyway, Doc," the Texan insisted.
"I feel lucky today."
The attorney was briefing Mrs. Harris before calling her to testify. "You must swear to God to tell the truth," the lawyer warned.
"Do you understand?"
"Yes, I'm to swear to tell all the truth."
"Have you any idea what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied, "I expect that our side will win."
What happens when you plan a threesome and one more woman walks into the bedroom?
She divorces you.
A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes.
The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.
Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.
"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"
The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."
The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"
HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
(49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling
his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of
jewelry, he heard an eerie voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.
Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around
the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his
imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for
another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again
heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads
of sweat popped out on his brow. He turned the flashlight on again and
the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and
noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered
a parrot in the cage.
"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'' asked the man.
"Because I felt that you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.
By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little
irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the
living daylights out of him.
"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Hah," the man said, guffawing.
"What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
The Parrot replied, "The same kind of people that would name their
Rottweiler Jesus".
This happened when I was out in a club one night. There were some girls sitting at a table, laughing and talking. They we're pretty hot as well. Anyways, there was an empty chair at their table, so I walked to them and asked if the chair was taken. They said no and giggled, and I said, "Okey". Then i just picked the chair up and walked away to my friends table. Damnit those girls looked suprised. :)
:slap:Quote:
Originally posted by ZengiR
This happened when I was out in a club one night. There were some girls sitting at a table, laughing and talking. They we're pretty hot as well. Anyways, there was an empty chair at their table, so I walked to them and asked if the chair was taken. They said no and giggled, and I said, "Okey". Then i just picked the chair up and walked away to my friends table. Damnit those girls looked suprised. :)
One thing I know for certain, I will never look at a squirrel the same way again! LOL
Very good jokes Keep em comming.....:) :) :) :) :) :)
Ok, got a couple comming up, but remember these are situational things ;)
#1
Ever been on a long trip on a motorcycle? Older hardtail Harley Davidson's have a tendancy to shake you enough that everything from your butt down is numb (dont ask about females, they have enough problems with any bike).
Anyways, sometimes several bikers will start a pool on who will forget to put their legs out at a stop and fall over.
#2
My parents used to hold an "IWAG" (International What A Guy) party for bikers (rules: No criminal record, must donate at least $20 that will be put towards a chosen charity), but havent done so for a couple years.
My dad currently has the nickname "Spew" and with good reason. At one of these parties he bet one of his friends that was eating pie he couldnt spit the pie and hit his face from 20 feet (imagine ~120 bikers all busy partying, etc.. ;)). Anyways, the challenged friend took him up on the bet and won. The reason my dad has the nickname "spew" though is because he held his mouth open like a bullseye and the pie hit it perfectly, causing him to throw up.
(see? They're situational!)
Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. You’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club.
1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
- After wrecking your boss' car.
- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
- When she is using her teeth.
2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
- Yeah, Baby, Push it!
- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
- Another set and we can hit the showers!
20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever.
24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULL****'.
(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
(Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.)
33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F**K OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."
:D
Got a few Jokes for you all :)
#1
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for
a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line
starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The
guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
#2
So this penguin goes to this mechanics shop cuz his car is not working properly, so the mechanic says to the penguin, "This will take an hour". So off the penguin goes ot the shop, and neaturally being a penguin, he loves icecream, so he goes and buys a big tub off icecream, but because he had no hands, he gets it all over his beak and face and makes quiet a mess of himself. so an hour passes by and he returns to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "No i just ate some icecream"
#3
Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?
"The second is : How many seconds are there in a year?"
"The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. I expect you to do the same.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head . . .
A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."
"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy."
"It's Andy??"
"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked. "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ..."
And Forrest entered Heaven
#4
On the train sits a BEAUTIFUL woman, smack bang between two blokes: one an Aussie in his wallabies jersey, and the other a Kiwi in his AllBlacks jersey, on the way to the footy.
Anyways, the two blokes eye off this woman, each thinking she's a bit of alright. All of a sudden, the train goes through a tunnel and it's pitch black for 10 seconds. During the blackout can be heard a loud kissing noise and then an almighty slap!
As soon as the train leaves the tunnel, the Kiwi can be seen with a puzzled look on his face, nursing a swelling cheek.
The Kiwi thinks to himself: "Damn, that Aussie must have tried to kiss the beautiful woman, and she thought it was me and slapped me!".
The woman thinks to herself: "Wow, that Kiwi must have tried to kiss me in the dark and kissed the Aussie by mistake, and got himself a slap!".
The Aussie, trying not to pee his pants laughing is thinking to himself: "I can't wait for another tunnel... I'm gonna kiss my hand and belt that Kiwi again!"
#5
ALL TIME CLASSIC IMHO!
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
#6
<kommando> wtf is COD and why do you have to pay for it?
#6 Happens to be IRC quote
Oh and one more for a while. If i can't use this pm me :)
The Inventor
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
THE ALL TIME, BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker:
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have
an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their
talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list," which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase
them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have
never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that
those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of
a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I
hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of
your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what
you do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. “And what’s your name?”
“My name is Ting”
“Oh yeah”, said the sergeant suspiciously. “How come we’ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?”
“He is Ru Ting, I am Wah-Ting."
Okay im out for tonight. Expect more tommorow night, muahahahahahahahahahhaah.
I won't win but laughter is the cure for everything.
I do eat a lot of beans...makes me thinking about it....
"Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party."
This is hilarious cause its actually real,
So a few years back, a bunch of my friends, my cousin and I, all went to Las vegas, our night away from our girlfriends back home. Well were out partying, bar hopping and all, and we run into this group of HOT a** chicks, but theres a catch theres on *FAT* girl with a missing tooth. So i ask my cousin George, to "take one for the team", hes so drunk he agrees. We go back to the room, were all drinking some more, play a game of strip poker, next thing you know one thing is leading to another, the whole group of us. Well we each get a girl and finish doing our "business" and were all passed out, when I hear a noise coming from the floor to my right, i look over and its my cousin George porking this fat chick doggystyle, and I mean HES REALLY going at it. I luagh to myself and pass out again. We we all start to wake up a few HOURS later, hes still there jabbing away.
So were on our drive back home to Cailfornia, and were talking about what happened, and George blurts out, " yah I porked that fat chick all night, AAANNND I didnt even wear a rubber, and i went inside her about 5 times"... there is a looooong silence.
Well to update this story, the fat chick got a hold of George about oooooh 10 months later, with his new fat kid.
heres another totally hilarious thing that happened recently,
I bought a MAC.
kk heres a real joke...
So this guy wakes up early on his Birthday morning, and is checking to see ifhis wife has anything for him, sadly ... she is still asleep. SO he gets ready for work, every now and then, giving his wife a "curious look". But still nothing, so he heads downstairs , eats his breakfast, and waits to see if his kids didi anything for his birthday. They come into the kitchen, and still nothing. So he heads to work all pissed off, mad that his own family didnt even say happy birthday.
He gets into his office and his beautiful secretary says" happy birthday boss!", which excites him to hear it from her. SHe goes on to say " Im taking you out for lunch today, for your birthday", Hes all excited , hes gonna goto lunch with his sexy secretary. Lunchtime comes and they hop into her car, and have a nice lunch at a classy resturaunt. On the way back to the office she says let me stop by my home to grab something. As they pull up to her house, she says, " why dont you come in for a second". Now hes getting even more excited. As he goes in she tells him to sit on the couch and get comfortable, while she slips into something more "relaxing". She walks away upstairs, and immediately the guy starts taking off his shirt, his pants, his underwear, and crosses his legs trying to look sexy for her. She comes back downstairs and says " Happy Birthday"... as shes followed....
by his wife...
and his son...
and his daughter....
There's these three guys walking on the beach, a Mexican, a white guy, and a black guy.
So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done.
Then he says to the black guy. "What do you want?" And the black guy says "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa.
so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."
A wife and husband are driving down a desert road, when he tells, her , " i can't stand you so much, thats why Ive been f**king your sister!!!, Enraged she grabs a knife from her purse and cuts his penis off and tosses it out the window. It lands SPLAT!! on the windshield of a truck with a Father and 5 year old daughter in it, panicking, he turns on the windshield wipers and whap whap whap, and it falls off the windshield. "Daddy!" what in the world was that!??..the 5 year old girl screams... Not wanting to scare his daughter , he says "ummm why that was just a Desert bug". The little girl says "oh..........well it sure had a big :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:!"
Edited by Kazoo, no personal attacks.
TRUE STORY!!!!!!!
alright, my family and i were invited on a fishing trip with another family who had recently got a new fishing boat. As the day drug on and we had only caught a few fish, the owner of the boat gets a bite and the line takes off.... all of us kids were eager to see what he was reeling in and looked in awe as his pole almost snapped in half. as it got closer, we got a glipse of it. It was a Northern Pike. Since they have very sharp teeth he quick flipped it in the boat. All the kids gathered arround it while it flopped arround. The owner of the boat yelled "look out, it bites!" and we all backed way up. My brother got the living crap scared out of him and he went back so fast he went over the side of the boat. So the fish was in the boat, my brother was overboard and everyone was getting away from this pissed off pike. we fish my brother out of the water (still scared :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:less) and went calmly back to fishing. A few moments pass and we notice this bobber is going nuts. We all cant figure out from what pole its from. We move the boat over because its just a random bobber and we pick it up. As we pick it up theres a line attached. we started to pull the line closer and up came a fishing rod. Yes, the one my brother was holding as he went overboard, but there was something tugging on the other end. We gave the rod to my brother and had him start reeling it in. How ironic, it was another pike, he threw the rod over to my dad and ran to the other side of the boat.
thats my story
So its a hot day out, and this pinguin is driving down the road when he realizes his oil lite is on. So he pulls off to a nearby town and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll take him about 30 min to figure out what is wrong, so the penguin realizes its a really hot day and went to go find some ice cream. So he orders a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and since he can't grip a spoon and all he has is flippers, he starts scoopin it into his mouth. He finishes the ice cream and he's all stickey from it, and its all over his flippers and face. He walks back to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "no, actually its just ice cream"..........
Heres my story.
I was helping my old manageress move home from Lincoln to Harrogate where she managed the bar I used to work at.
All was going fine, we got there early got everything done ready to head back so we sat outside, it was a warm day, drank some cola and had a sandwich, at this point we noticed alot of wasps swarming around us.
I hate the little buggers so I slung my cola can in the corner hoping the sugary goodness would attract them away, much to my dismay, this corner was hiding the ENTIRE nest of the little blighters which was partially hidden by a small tree.
We ran in the house as they swarmed all over and then after much deliberation I tucked my trousers into my boots, put my arms in my sleeves rolled up my polo neck over my face and made a run for it.
BIG MISTAKE, as I was running a couple of them landed on my trousers, one made it way upto my crotch and thought it would be funny to sting me TWICE in the left Testicle thru my trousers as he got caught in the crease.
I screamed and hobbled to the car and got in to check my manhood only to discover I had what looked like an extra one down there.
We drove a long painful ride home and I went to the doctors where the nurse checked me out and I could see she was trying to stifle her giggles as I told her the story.
it stayed for a few days and everyone at work found it funny to call me threeball for the coming months.
I laugh now but at the time it hurt like mad.
a joke:
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did".
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
definition of ambition: a fly crawling up an elephant's ass with rape on his mind.
---
what do elephants use for tampons? sheep.
why do elephants have trunks? sheep don't have strings.
---
--slly
There is a new priest and it is his first time doing confession. One woman came in and said, "Bless me father for I have lied." Not knowing what to give her, he opens the confessional door and asks the old priest to which he said, "Give her 5 hail marys." And so he did
The next woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have stole." Once again he has to ask the old priest in which he replies, "Give her 5 Our fathers."
The last woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have given a blowjob." Still not knowing what punishment to give, he goes to ask the older priest but he is no longer there. So he asks an alter boy, "What does father give for a blowjob?"
And so the alter boy replied, "Two snickers and a cherry coke."
--slly
what's the bad part about eating vegetables?
.
..
...
putting them back in their wheelchairs. :D
--slly
Q: How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?
A: Put a spear through it's head.
q: why dont you see a lot of guys chasin after 80 yr old p:banana: :banana:sy?
a: ever taken a grilled cheese sandwich apart? ;)
--slly
Q: Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: From the mace.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.
Last week my boss's computer was acting up. He told me "They should make it so the users can reinstall the software". I told him i could give him an etch-a-sketch. Flip it over shake a little and it's a brand new install.
check it out peepz:
police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
_________________________
:banana: :banana: :banana:
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An English girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked?
'The one I asked for -- the English girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said, 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl'
:banana: :banana: :banana:
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Upon reaching his front door, he attempted to stand up to go in. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!'
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,'What makes you say that, me darlin'?' 'The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.'
:banana: :banana: :banana:
next joke: one i needed to translate from dutch to english:
There is this guy, who is survivor from a cruise that sunk in the ocean. He makes it to an island. He thinks that the island is really cute and desides to explore it (he has nothing to do anyway, has he :p: ). After a while he sees a woman who "flushed" onto the shore, lying unconscious, he gives her breath and after a while, he brings her back to consciousness.
Suddenly he sees the women is Kylie Minogue!
Kylie is very gratefull to the guy for saving her life, so he says that she will do what he want (;) heh heh).
This goes well for a while ( :banana: ), but after a few weeks Kylie notices the guy has become sad. So she goes to him to ask if she could help him.
He asks her to do him a favor, he says "here, put on my clothes". She thinks its awkard, but does it anyway, then he asks her to draw a mustache and a beard on her. Now she thinks its really awkward, but she does it anyway (after all, she has already done a lot more then that, right :smileysex ). Then he says if she would run around the island in one direction, and he would do the other direction, so they would meet up at the other side.
Ok, they do that...
After an hour or so the guy runs up to her and says:
"Hey dude! You know with who I've been :banana: :banana: lately?
cheers mate :toast:
that the best one may win ;)
One day i was watching :banana::banana::banana::banana: on my computer with my headphones on. I finished up and took the headphones off only to find the sound was playing through my regular speakers as well... then my mom told me to turn it down. :owned: :dammit:
How can you rell if a politician is lying??
Their lips are moving !!! :rolleyes:
Element: Woman
Symbol: WM
Finder: Adam
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 50 kg, but is known that it varies of 45 the 92 kg.
Occurrence: Exceeding amount in all the urban area.
COMPOSITION
10% Chests
10% Thighs
10% Ass
40% Vacant Thoughts
30% Clothes
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface generally re-covered by covering colored.
2. It boils for nothing, congeals without reason.
3. It melts if submitted the adequate treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.:D
5. High danger if handled by awkward hands.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. It possesss precious affinity with gold, silver, platinum and rocks.
2. Capable to absorb great amounts of expensive substances (clothes, suppers, houses, cars, etc..).
3. It can blow up without reasons.
4. Extremely lousy when found in group.
5. Insoluble in liquids, but with activity increased for saturation in alcohol.
6. It yields the applied pressure when in correct points.
GENERAL UTILITIES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in cars sport, yachts and swimming pools.
2. She is the most powerful reducing money agent that if knows.
3. It can be of great aid for relaxation.
4. Many times, when used correctly, can wash, cook, pass and search slipper and periodical for the owner of the house.
5, Ideal to raise depressed spirits, as well as depressing high spirits.
What IT LACKS IN ITS STRUCTURE:banana:
1, Button of ON/OFF.
2, Button of volume.
3, Remote Control.
TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
************************************************** ******
# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
************************************************** *******
#7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
************************************************** *********
# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
************************************************** ********* *
# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a
few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
************************************************** ********* ***
# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
************************************************** ********* *
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
************************************************** ********* ****
# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all,
350 pounds, 20 inch :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought
you said 'Turn around. '"
************************************************** *********
# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
I live near Yellowstone National Park and spend a fair bit of time in the park. In Yellowstone, one of the most common experiences is what we call a "bear-jam," a "wolf-jam, or simply an "animal-jam," where it is not uncommon to see at least a 100 people in their cars, trucks, and RVs stopped in and along the road to watch a bear, wolf, or other charismatic megafauna.
As you can imagine, a lot of visitors to Yellowstone aren't real knowledgable about wilderness. One time while watching a grizzly bear on the other side of the Yellowstone River, this woman next to me asked her male partner if they should be worried about the bear since it was getting rather close (about 200 meters away). The guy replied, "oh no, bears can't swim." Well, as if the bear heard that, it walked straight into the river and swam to the other side. Before I could blink, the couple was in their car and driving off. Bears swim quite well.
There are lots of stories about Yellowstone bears. For example, I have heard of parents that put jelly on their kids faces hoping to get a picture of a bear licking it off the kid. That's a parent of the year award, no doubt. You have probably heard about bear pepper spray. Around here we have additionally heard about people who assumed it was used like an insect repellent spray. They sprayed themselves with pepper spray. That's not a good idea, trust me, and after they found themselves rolling on the ground in agony, they figured it out.
Bears really do spook people and sometimes bring out some strange behavior. One time while backpacking, we came across another group of backpackers with a very pale woman who looked like she had seen a ghost. We chatted with them for awhile and found out that the woman had a scary bear experience. We inquired further.
Apparently, she had heard that bears are attracted to human food which is true. She figured that if she wrapped all her food in celophane, the bear wouldn't be able to smell the food, which is not true. Further, she put all the food in the bottom of her sleeping bag to help "hide" it from a bear. Oh boy. Low and behold, a bear wandered into their camp while they were asleep. It went right for the food, in her occupied sleeping bag. The bear easilly opened the front of her tent, grabbed the bottom of the sleeping bag, and started dragging its nice food goody bag away. The woman was still in the sleeping bag!!
As the bear dragged its prize away, the woman awoke, completely freaked out, and did the little kid thing where she pulled the sleeping bag over her head instead of getting out of the sleeping bag as the bear dragged it away. That meant she went deeper into the sleeping bag and kept going for a ride with the food and the bear. They didn't say how long she took that ride or how she got out, but apparently she no longer had a sleeping bag or, for at least some period of time, her marbles.
Bears make people do crazy things. I suppose, in a way, bears remind me of overclocking. Be careful out there!
A major earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with
providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the
riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
haha OCme That one is funny cause I live in southern Mexico, err I mean Southern California
How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?
Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she's lookin 4 her pencil.
Some for me today :)
Q.
How do u put an elephant inside a fridge in 3 steps?
A.
Open the fridge, Put the elephant in the fridge, close the fridge door.
Q.
there a natural disaster in ur place.. you have a junbo jet so basically u can take everything, ur car, ur stuff and family and relatives... so anyway, whilst on midair, the plane starts going down coz of too much weight. u need to throw something out....... which do you need to throw outside?
A.The fridge, the elephant is inside
An American was backpacking across the highlands, when
he came across a small village where he decided to
spend the night.
Upon entering the local pub that evening for some
drinks with the locals, he found himself in a
conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant
individual.
"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the
backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But
ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"
"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to
the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me
MacGregor the church builder? No!"
And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But
ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder?
No!"
"But ya screw one goat..."
way back in high school we had this gig where this guy went out any bought these four pigs, numbered em' 1, 2, 4, and 5 and then coated em' all with motor oil and then just let em' loose in lunch hour
took em' 30 minutes and the school faculty got 1, 2, 4, and 5 and then spent the next 10 hours looking for 3
april 1st, class of 1996, high school
The Mother-In-Law
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home,but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the guy. The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Saturn trying to get a date:
Me: Hi
Her: Hey whats up?
Me: Nothing, you?
Her: Not much, just chillin'
Me: Do you want to see my hard drive?
Her: Uhh..Your What?
Me: My hard drive...
Her: What is a hard drive?
Me: It's a sometimes large part
Her: Uhh...
Me: Fine, care to see my ram?
Her: You're sick!!
Me: WTF?
Her: Leave me alone pervert!!
Me: So I guess you don't want to overclock???
Her: *Smacks me*
Me: Ouch :(
Saturn having cyber-whoopie
Mrs. Saturn: Hey baby, wanna cyber?
Me: w00t! Sure
Mrs. Saturn: Ok i'll start
Me: k
Mrs. Saturn: I'm slowly unzipping your pants
Me: OUCH! I got hung...Im bleeding but it's ok!
Mrs Saturn: Ok, you go
Me: I'm slowly un buttoning your shirt...Ooops..I ripped it
Mrs Saturn: That's ok baby, go ahead
Me: Now I'm unbuttoning you bra, wow these hooks are hard to remove!
Mrs Saturn: Dont worry baby, I'll get them
Me: WOA! The hook just shot from the bra and I think it killed your parrot..
Mrs Saturn: Uhh, anyways, Im now pulling you into the bed
Me: OOOPS! i knocked over the wine, let me get some paper towels from the bathroom
Mrs Saturn: Ok
Me: Hold on, I need to pea
Mrs Saturn: Ok
Me: It's Dark
Me: OOOPS! I pea'd in your laundry basket, im sorry baby!
Mrs Saturn: You know what, forget it loser!
**Mrs Saturn has left the chat**
Me and my dad were down in florida with our friend steve on our way to a construction job when steve needs to pea...So we pull over on the side of the road for him to use the bathroom...Mind you he had drank a little too much before leaving to go to florida anyways, also, there are alot of aligators in the part of the state..
Anyways, he begins to pea when he falls to the ground screaming help that an aligator has got him...We're laughing like crazy as he struggles with it...Anyways a minute or so later he finally stops to rest and yells, I GOT HIM...we keep laughing and he asks us why..We tell him...Well steve...that wasnt an alligator, it was part of a blown out 18-wheeler tire...So this entire time he was wrestling with a truck tire....We made fun of him all the way to the motel room lol :p:
There was a guy here who was planning to steal an ATM machine at a bank..So he chains his truck bumper to the ATM machine and takes off...Well...when he realized that the ATM machine wasnt coming off, and that it had torn his bumper off he just keeps going
When the police arrive they find that his bumper was tied to the chain around the ATM machine....They go to arrest him and he asks how they caught him when a cop says "You left your license plate on your bumper"
An old lady brings a parrot home. This parrot has a problem swearing so everytime it would swear she would put it in the freezer...The first time she put him in the freezer for one minute....When he swears again she leaves him in for 5 minutes...The third time, she leaves him in for 25 minutes. Anyways, after the third time, she takes the parrot out and asks, are you going to swear again? He says, no, but please tell me how long the cat has been in the freezer...
My grandfather took me, my mom, and my grandma out to burger king one night...Anyways, when they come to my grandma's order they ask her if she wants it king sized and my grandfather says, yeh, do it for the little lady, it's our anniversary.
Ways to Confuse Santa
[list=1][*]Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. [*]While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. [*]Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. [*]While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. [*]Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! [*]Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." [*]Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. [*]Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. [*]While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. [*]Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. [*]Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." [*]While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on. [/list=1]
The M&M Challenge
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointer, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.
Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one...
The Attack of the Ducks
Well today me and some mates got bored and decided to catch ducks with nets. We were chasing this duck family around for many minutes, doing so annoying the big daddy of the family. This macho duck decided to jump up and chase around in the air while in the process use its feet to knock our heads off your necks. Was a :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:ign scarey moment but damn it was funny a few hours later when we relised how stupid we looked runnign away from a duck about 40cms high in the air.
Oh yer one more, about me and my girlfriend.
We're chatting about stuff and i suddenly go "OMFG Bh-5" and shes like "lol what". I also accidently copied a link to a site which had it.
So she check it out and comes back and goes "wtf nick you gimp?" and then i was lost her words and went offline. But the relationship still stands :)
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet" said the 65 year old mother,
"but soon." Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "Not yet" said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No", replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN IT CRIES", she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??."
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...
Well I'll be...
The thread that you can win stuff in is up to 11 pages already, who would have expected that. ;)
A woman who had recently celebrated her 100th birthday was being interviewed by a local newspaper reporter. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 100?"he asked.
"No peer pressure,"she replied with a smile.
I could tell you about when my litlebrother almost circumcised me with scissors when I was about four years old.
Or I could tell you about the time I poured 5 liters of water in the gas tank of my dads car...
¨
And that one time I saw some news on TV about some riots somewhere in the world, and they were burning car tires and guess what I did next...The problem with burning tires is that once its burning its almost impossible to extinguish. And the smoke is unbelievable!
Bu the story that realy shows how smart kid I was, also has something to do with fire. I was propably about six years old when this happenned and we still had a tractor... It was parked behind a huge stone about 100 meters from our house and I was playing i was driving it. Then curiosity got the best of me and I openned the metal box where the battery was. It wasnt connected but I knew how to connect it so I started fidling around with a screwdriver whe this huge spark came out of the battery! If I had been any smarter I would have stopped by then, but the spark realy inspired me to try again and I was so happpy when another spark flew from the battery. So what I did next? No I didnt stop, but I got an absolutely marvelous idea to get some gasoline and poor it on the battery...And guess what hapenned when the next spark flashed...Yes you guessed right, The whole battery burst in flames and I started to panic just a bit.
I tried to stop the fire so I threw some dirt and moss to the box but it didnt help at all. When I realised I couldnt do a thing I just slammed the box shut and ran away...My dad didnt notice anything in two days but whenn he did, I just had to confess because I was feeling so awfull about what I had done...The tractor didnt burn but it needed some re-wiring and painting nevertheless.
My parents must have been realy happy by then;)
Only 5 hours left to post your best!
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants..."
My ping replies file for IRC:
PONG!
Hi, Mom!
BURP!
What was that?
"Amish decloaking off the starboard bow, sir."
"That's great. I'll be sure to tell that to my dog."
"I'm an equal opportunity offernder - I piss everyone off without judgement."
"In a million years, the race of superintelligent maple trees will use human blood on their pancakes."
"Only you can prevent forest fires. If I hear about one more forest fire, I'm going to kick your ass. Understand?"
"In the land of the armless, the one-armed man will be king."
"If I ever get in an accident and wind up as a brain in a jar, I'd like the jar to be a cookie jar."
"Ass... hole in the ground... ass... hole in the ground."
"If God meant for us not to use genetic engineering, he would have write-protected our DNA."
"God made Louis Farrakhan human because he couldn't stand to see a centipede with 100 feet in its mouth and its head up its ass."
"I'm reading through the headlines on the Reuter's Feed at Yahoo, and I come across: 'Michael Jackson Stable.' This is the same guy that sleeps in the oxygen chamber, turned himself into a white guy, molests children, and built his own amusement park, right?
"Cats make horrible bath toys"
"Brush your teeth before you bite me, creep!"
I figure it's worth having a crack. I'd saved a few of my favourite "tech support idiots" type anecdotes in a txt file, here's one of them:
=============
A few years ago, my daughter took over my computer sales and service business. Although she is probably "techier" than I am now, at the time she was pretty inexperienced, particularly when it came to hardware. As part of her training, she assisted me while I did various repairs. I remember stressing to her, "When diagnosing and repairing problems, it's important to stay calm. If you panic, you'll make mistakes."
We were installing a hard drive in one particular machine. The workbench was cluttered, so she had the case, and I had the keyboard and monitor a few feet away. After plugging everything in, I told her to hit the power switch while I got ready to access the CMOS from the keyboard. I was looking at the monitor when I heard her calmly say, "Ok, now the drive's on fire. Is that normal?"
I had certainly never seen a drive actually burst into flames before (obviously it was VERY faulty), and I immediately shouted in a panicked voice "Turn it off! Turn it off!" My daughter, however, was completely calm.
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Not the greatest, I'll have a look through when I get a few spare minutes :)
Thank you for you submissions, thread closed while we pick the finalists.
Have a Happy Easter weekend and dont forget about the Prescott giveaway on Sunday.
A lost submission by Violineb. This was posted at 6:42 p.m. PST 4/6/04
#1
A world-renowned ventriloquist is doing a huge show in Madison Square Garden for thousands of people. In his act, he throws in a few blonde jokes here and there. At the end of the show, he is backstage when a blonde woman approaches him, visibly shaken. "I just want to tell you how disgusted and offended I was by your show tonight. The way you made fun of blondes was unnecessary and uncalled for!" The ventriloquist was completely taken aback. He had no idea that his show would ever offend anyone! "Ma'am, I am so sorry. If I had any idea that I would offend audience members, I would never have done the act, and I am very sorry." He said sincerely. "No, no," said the blonde. "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that bastard sitting in your lap."
#2
One night a burglar was busy doing his 'job' in somebodys house when he heard a voice call out;
"Jesus is watching you!"
Alarmed, he looked around for the origin of the voice. When he was sure there was noone there, he carried on with his theivery. Then he heard the voice again;
"Jesus is watching you!"
Even more statled than last time he turned the light on, only to see a parrot staring at him from its cage in the corner of the room.
"Did you just say that?" the burglar asked.
"Yes, I was trying to warn you" came the reply.
Astonished by this, the burglar asked;
"Who are you?"
"Moses"
"What sort of person would call their parrot moses?" the burglar scoffed.
"Dunno, I suppose the same sort that would call their rottweiler Jesus"
unstickied the thread to make room for new competitions :)