lol - this is NOT a Halloween costume in some states...
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lol - this is NOT a Halloween costume in some states...
:banana: ROFLMAO...
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
MECHANIC'S ORDERS
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She says to the mechanic, "I don't know It just died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
:D :D
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman :banana::banana::banana::banana:ed her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $2, Handjobs $10," so he asks the lady behind the counter " Mam, are you the one that gives the handjobs." She answers "Yes I am." He says "Then wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich." :p
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from,
and requested the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever hsd before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One
day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing, of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
why's there never been a woman on the moon?
Cause it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.
this guy gets a new job at a :banana::banana::banana::banana:o store.
The first day, the boss says "ok, you got it, i'll be back in an hour"
few minutes later, this redhead walks in, looks around and points to the shelf behind the clerk "how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the black ones, I've never had one of those before" so the clerk makes his first sale.
10 min later, this black lady walks in, looks around and says the same thing
"how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the white ones, I've never had one of those before"
Blonde lady walks in, looks at the dildo shelf and asks the same thing, gets the same 10 dollar response.
she thinks for a minute and points to the lower shelf and says "well what about that plaid one"??
The clerk looks at it and says "Oh, THAT ONE, well that's a "special" one, and it's 100 bucks"
Ok she says, i'll take it, I've never had a plaid one before"
boss comes back and says "so, how'd it go"
Clerk says "well, not too bad, sold one of the black dildos, sold one of the white dildos and I got a hundred bucks for your thermos"
A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How???'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your arse, didn't it?''' :D
It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here's one where not one dirty word is used:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch said, "I cannot tell."
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "it is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
See - I told you so!:D
Fifteen truths
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty dollars.
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of Immigration
Hu's in China
George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.
George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if
she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly
sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The
note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7
inches in your pants.
The man after reading this note, sends one
of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know- I happen
to have a Rolls, BMW and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million
dollars in the bank: But not even for a woman as beautiful as you
would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back.
An Oxymoron for you:
Microsoft Works
okay, a cat eats this mouse, right? then the cat chokes....HAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
Hey Jbell, are you coming out????:stick: :p :eek:
Hey....what JB does on the weekend is his\her own business!:stick:
These two goldfish are in a tank, one looks over at the other and says "Hey, you sure you know how to drive this thing"???
C.
:D
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Might brighten yer day.....
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the §§§§ out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you
don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is
the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to
the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diahrrea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink
or turn on the light, I'd §§§§ my pants!"
He got the job
Its a long one but a good one. (you have to read it carefully)
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
:D
Heres another for ya.
A Special Night in Iowa
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
Now this has got to be appreciated.
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
:D ;)
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f***** on your knee!"
A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark Februark Mak Julk.
Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a
football match in London
At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the
three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers. They all board the
train.
The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram
into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to
collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are
mightily
impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the
Scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a
ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Mancunian.
Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.
When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves
the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are
hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
Little Tony
LITTLE TONY ON PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls
on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot. The
teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting
on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking
the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I
suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic. "Why?"
asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'",
replies TONY. "But that's
right!" says his dad."Yeah, but then she asked me 'How
much is 3x2?'
"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's
a mouthful." Little
TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a
sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate'. Please use the
word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're
an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in
the same sentence
twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in It. "
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher
reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, f**king beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on
one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107
years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king
business
:D
God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said, "What you need is a WOMAN! This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
"Comfortable?" the guy questions.
"Yes, you see she reads slow."
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Peter Stringfellow walked out of his club and yawned after a hard night partying. What should greet him on this fine morning but a naked stripper bent over with her head stuck in some railings.
He coodnt pass up this oppurtunity and walked up to her, slipped it in, and gave her a good going over. As he finished he noticed one of his celebrity mates, robbie williams, and called him from across the street.
Robbie saw what was going on and dropped his trousers and have her a good ragging.
Also walking by at this time was Elton John. The two men called him, and he crossed over the road, watching robbie williams finish off.
Peter asked elton casually 'Wood u like a bit of this elton'
Elton, equally casually replied 'Well id love some, but i dont think i cood get my head thru the railings'
saddam sends his son down to the market to get some shopping,
after a while his son comes back with the shopping in an old box,
saddam says, "why you bring shopping home in an old box?!".
"well", says his son, "there was no bag-dad".
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.
"Why so cheap?," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and it sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Japanese Fart !
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her
life that when she married she was to please her
husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young
Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making
love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes,and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly
and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
sorry, Mr.Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's
a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about
the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as
much as a glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the
man. The bartender replied, "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man." Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he
doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as
I'm doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side.She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest,
don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky,"he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in
peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one"
whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
:D
TheDude: Little Tony =Little Dude ?
Ok, here's a lame one:
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:."
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
:smileysex :toast: :with: :doh: :hehe: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :spam:Quote:
Originally posted by TheDude
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
omg....i love that one
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
were represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull§§§§ will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you......
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Q:
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a ligth bulb?
A:
Wanna go for a bike ride?
"Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with a used car salesman
A: autoexec.bat"
*************************************************
A doctor walks into a hospital room. He looks at the man and slowly, grimly tells him,
"Well, we've got the results back from the lab, and I've got to tell you, it dosn't look good. I'm afraid... you don't have much longer to live."
"Doctor, you must tell me, how long do I have left?"
"Ten."
"Ten? Ten what?"
"Nine..."
Q:What's worse than paper tits.........
A:Cardboard box.
Mr. Singh was laying on his deathbed, barely concious, his loving wife
by his side.
"Are all my sons and daughters here?", he asked her.
"Yes yes, "she replied, "All your sons and daughters are here"
"Are all my brothers and sisters here?" he enquired.
"Yes yes, "she said, "All your brothers and sisters are here"
"Are all my uncles and aunties here?" he persisted.
"Yes yes, all your uncles and aunties are here." she reassured him.
"What about my nephews and nieces, are they here?" he continued.
"Yes yes," she said "All your nephews and nieces are here, in fact the
whole family's here", she told him.
"Then who the hell's looking after the shop????????"
A joke about the UK Asylum problem -
A major earthquake measuring 9.1 on the Richter Scale hit Albania this
morning.
350,000 Albanians are missing and over 1 million have been reported
injured.
The country is devastated with the government appealing for help.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troops to assist in relief work.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France !!! is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know, 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age.
I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on
Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks,
What happened?"
The man says, "Nobody showed up!"
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bit*h.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:s on the outside.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one back man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
:D
The are two Irish leprechauns walking around the highlands, they are arguing with each other--"no there's not, yes there bloody well is, ahh your fuller of (*&(*& than...." it goes on and on. Till the two little Irish leprechauns happen upon a church. They knock on the door and the priest comes to the door and looks out seeing nothing, then he looks down and sees the two leprechauns and says "well how are ye today me laddies" they answer him and then say, "father we have a question for you." The Priest replies "and what is it me boys." One leprechaun says, "father are there leprechaun nuns." The priest replies "well no there aren't, why ye ask." The one leprechaun that had asked the question then turns around to his friend slaps him across the arm and says, "seee I told ye ye fu**ed a penguin"
Three men are sitting in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
“That's my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.
“I'm getting a Fax,” he explains.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when
they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
About to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches
the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him
some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his
thumb, and he yells, Oh "§§§§!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
The Ejaculator...Lets see how much little swimmers you killed
http://strongbad.surrealistic.net/ejaculator.php
You have made 22.75 gallons and 189.857941 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!Quote:
Originally posted by Turbo
The Ejaculator...Lets see how much little swimmers you killed
http://strongbad.surrealistic.net/ejaculator.php
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech the length of 1.6177777777778 football fields!
You have killed approximately 1,048,320,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 5824 kittens.
You have made 121.33333333333 gallons and 1012.5756853333 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech the length of 6.4711111111111 football fields!
You have killed approximately 4,193,280,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 23296 kittens.
You have made 8.125 gallons and 67.8064075 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech 57.777777777778 yards.
You have killed approximately 374,400,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 2080 kittens.
<OL>
<LI>In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows
and gates?!
<LI>Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working
properly if you open Windows.
<LI>My SPARCstation has air condition. No need to open windows.
<LI>Windows 95 Source Code
<LI>Windows means "<B>W</B>ork <B>i</B>s <B>n</B>ever
<B>d</B>one <B>o</B>n <B>W</B>indows <B>s</B>ystems"
<LI> Customer: I'm running Windows 95...<BR>
Helpdesk: Yes...<BR>
Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!<BR>
Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.
<LI>Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
<LI>"Windows for dummies", another term of "this sentence no verb"
<LI> Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record:
Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
<LI>IBM creates Operating Systems - MS-DOSn't
<LI>Have you reinstalled your Windows today?
<LI>How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
<OL TYPE="a">
<LI><CODE>mke2fs /dev/sda1</CODE>
<LI><CODE>deltree /y \</CODE>
</OL>
<LI>Windows 95 the most popular virus on the market today.
<LI>Windows95 - Plug and pray...
<BR><SMALL>(Bastian Kleineidam aka <A HREF="/~calvin/">Calvin</A>)</SMALL>
<LI>Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
<LI>Windows - a solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
<LI>Windows - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
<BR><SMALL>BTW: Like Unix freaks like the <CODE>logout</CODE> in
the <CODE>.login</CODE> file, Windows users like the
<CODE>SHELL=C:\WINDOWS\SOL.EXE</CODE> line in their
<CODE>SYSTEM.INI</CODE> file. %-))</SMALL>
<LI>Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files!
<LI>If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?
<LI>"Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
<LI>The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches.
It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an
hourglass..."
<LI>Windows =<I>W</I>aste <I>in</I> <I>DO</I>S <I>W</I>ork<I>S</I>pace
<LI>Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
<LI><KBD>Alt-F4</KBD>. Just do it.
<LI><CODE>C:\ONGRTLNS.W95</CODE>
<LI>Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
<LI>Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine
<LI>Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?
<LI>This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows!
<LI>This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x
<LI>OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]"
<LI>Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
<LI>Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x
<LI>Windows NT - Nice Try
<LI>Windows - a virus with mouse support
<LI>Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
<LI>Windows vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
<LI>The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it
displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
<LI>Microsoft is not the answer.<BR>
Microsoft is the question.<BR>
"No" is the answer!
<LI>McAfee-Question: <STRONG>Is Windows a virus?</STRONG>
<BLOCKQUOTE>
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:<P>
<OL>
<LI>They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
<LI>Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing
down the system as they do so - okay, Windows
does that.
<LI>Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard
disk - okay, Windows does that too.
<LI>Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too.
<LI>Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect
their system is too slow (see 2.) and the user
will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows,
too.
</OL>
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:<BR>
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient
and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.<BR>
So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
</BLOCKQUOTE>
<LI>Last words of a Windows user:
<OL TYPE="a">
<LI>Why does that work now?
<LI>Where do I have to click now? - There?
<LI>Guess what this icon does...
<LI>Message box: <I>"Data not completely delete? Yes - No"</I> --- User: <I>"No - ey - Yes"</I>
</OL><BR>
<LI>Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house
<LI>Some windows were made to be broken
<LI>Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at <CODE>C:\></CODE>
<LI>Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!"
<LI>Bugs come in through open Windows
<LI>Windows '97 will also have artificial intelligence, e.g.:
<UL>
<LI>Unable to FORMAT A: Having a go at C:
<LI>Can't Compress Hard Drive but don't worry I'll delete all files over size 50,000 that'll give you some space.
</UL>
<LI>How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder!
<LI>Windows95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
<LI>Windows95: New look, same multicrashing
<LI>Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
<LI>Windows95 - Every function is a restart function...
<LI>Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time.
<LI>Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
<LI>Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...
<LI>Windows - Just another pain in the glass
<LI>Windows - Turn your Pentium into an XT...
<LI>Windows - The Gates of hell
<LI>Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN!
<LI>Windows - a XT emulator for an AT
<LI>If Windows sucked it would be good for something
<LI>DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
<LI>DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
<LI>Windows Multitasking - screwing up several things at once
<LI>Windows found - remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K
<LI>Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time!
<LI>If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse!
<LI>Microsoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
<LI>Are you using Windows or is that just an XT?
<LI>Have you crashed your Windows today?
<LI>Relax... you are entering a windows free zone
<LI>OS/2... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
<LI>New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
<LI>New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
<LI>My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
<LI>If Windows 95 doesn't start shipping soon, it might be Curtains 95.
<LI>Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile!
<LI>I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
<LI>I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
<LI>I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
<LI>Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows...
<LI>Exhibitionists love Windows
<LI>Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven!
<LI>Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
<LI>Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
<LI>A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
<LI>Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
<LI>Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
<LI>Time on your hands? Get Windows!
<LI>Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
<LI>What's the best of Windows95? The deinstaller!
<LI>Why is the Pentium 166 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if Windows crashed again.
<LI>What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? - One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs,
the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
<LI>How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug'n'Play... they get
confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk...
<LI>How do Microsoft employees exchange a bulb? Not at all...
Bill Gates declares darkness as a standard.
<LI>Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
<LI>Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
<LI>Mouse not present - click twice to continue...
<LI>Who the §§§§ is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk?
<LI>What's the difference between windows '95 and highly destructive unstoppable virus? About 90 Megs of hard disk space.
<LI>Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
<LI>I've got two Windows hardware emulators! Really! They works much more reliable than the original: one for Windows 3.11, one for Windows95.<BR>
Unfortunately they have superscriped the emulator keys wrongly, so that on the Windows 3.11 emulator key "TURBO" and on the Windows 95 emulator is written "RESET"...
But doesn't matter, works great.
<LI>Windows, it's not pretty, it's not ugly, but it's pretty ugly.
</OL>
To be continued...<BR CLEAR="all">
JBell :ROTF:
this one is a classic;
Code:/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
{
disable_cache();
}
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* Printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
Printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
:D
Essential New Words for 2003 editions for the work-place vocabulary.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"-needless paperwork and processes.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies. Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING. Surreptitiously breaking wind while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; can lead to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those ... $%$#@ damn payments!
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house,
and when she got there,
I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over
to your
mothers house and tell her that this is the last damn check
she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the biatch had to say and what she
looked like.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
§§§§ HAPPENS!
Taoism: §§§§ happens
Confucianism: Confucius says, "§§§§ happens"
Buddhism: If §§§§ happens, it isn't really §§§§
Zen: what is the sound of §§§§ happening?
Hinduism: This §§§§ has happened before
Islam: If §§§§ happens, it is the will of Allah
Protestantism: Let the §§§§ happen to someone else
Catholicism: If §§§§ happens, you deserve it
Judaism: Why does §§§§ always happen to us?
Sufism: The wise man never notices §§§§ happening
Christian Science: If §§§§ happens, pretend it doesn't really exist
Solipsism: §§§§ happens because I wish it
Mysticism: Just experience §§§§ while it is happening
Asceticism: If §§§§ happens, renounce it
Agnosticism: Nobody knows why §§§§ happens
Gnosticism: I know why §§§§ happens but won't tell you
Atheism: §§§§ happens and that's all there is to it
Cartesianism: §§§§ happens to me, therefore I exist
Platonism: There is ideal §§§§ happening somewhere
Stoicism: I don't care if §§§§ happens
Epicureanism: Let's have a good time while §§§§ doesn't happen
Cynicism: Of course §§§§ happens
Occultism: §§§§ materialises other planes of existence
Terrorism: §§§§ will happen unless you do as I say
Polyannaism: It's so nice that §§§§ happens
Puritanism: S*** can happen all day so long as you don't call it that
Behaviourism: You are conditioned to having §§§§ happen
Freudianism: If §§§§ happens, it's your mother's fault
Parapsychology: §§§§ happens without material causes
Surrealism: Purple §§§§ happens near melting clocks
Cubism: If §§§§ happens, you won't recognise it
Cultural relativism: §§§§ happens elsewhere differently
Optimism: If §§§§ happens, we'll find a way to use it
Pessimism: If §§§§ happens, there won't be enough for everyone
Tabloid sensationalism: Green §§§§ from Mars happens to Elvis clone
Biblical Creationism: §§§§ happens because G-d created it
Secular Humanism: §§§§ happens because it evolved from primitive §§§§
Scientific Reductionism: If §§§§ happens, find out what kind it is precisely
Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases
Bureaucracy: I don't care if §§§§ happens as long as you fill out the forms
Feminism: Women demand to have §§§§ happen
Ecologism: If organic §§§§ happens, it's OK
Capitalism: Let's profit from §§§§ happening
Socialism: If §§§§ happens, let's distribute it equally
Patriotism: Our §§§§ is better than your §§§§
Conservatism: They don't make §§§§ happen like they used to
Liberalism: §§§§ shouldn't happen tomorrow
Classical Physics: §§§§ does not 'happen', it moves around
Quantum Physics 1: §§§§ happens but you can't say both where and when
Quantum Physics 2: §§§§ happens in discrete quanta called §§§§ons
Holistic Physics: If §§§§ happens, it happens elsewhere at once
Microcomputing: If §§§§ happens, we'll fix it in the next version
Computer Science: All §§§§ can in principle happen on a Turing Machine
Applied Mathematics: The probability of §§§§ happening approaches unity
Engineering: When §§§§ happens, paint over it
Medicine: If §§§§ happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning
Economics: §§§§ happens because there is a great demand for it
Politics: If §§§§ happens, make a deal with it
Diplomacy: Let's pretend that §§§§ does not happen
Historicism: All the §§§§ that has happened happened so that there should be §§§§
Panglossianism: §§§§ happens and it's always for the best that it happens
Marxism: It is a historical inevitability that §§§§ should happen, but afterwards it
will wither away
Pantheism: §§§§ happens in everything and in everything there is §§§§
Orthodoxy: Only the §§§§ that has happened is real §§§§
Jungianism: §§§§ is the archetype of happening
Functionalism: The happening of §§§§ was caused by the need for §§§§ to happen
Rational Choice Theory: §§§§ happens because it maximises utility at minimum cost.
Bounded rationality theory: §§§§ happens because it enables us to cope with our
cognitive limits.
Political culture theory: §§§§ happens because of underlying value structures that can
be traced back to Tsarism/the Habsburgs/Mongols.
Structuralism: Merde se passe parce que.... (unintelligble)
Politically correct office terminology:
Old Phrase: No f*cking way.
Preferred New Phrase: I'm certain that's not feasible.
Old Phrase: You've got to be sh*tting me.
Preferred New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
Preferred New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...
Old Phrase: It's not my f*cking problem.
Preferred New Phrase: I wasn't involved in that project.
Old Phrase: What the f*ck?
Preferred New Phrase: Interesting.
Old Phrase: F*ck it, it won't work.
Preferred New Phrase: I'm not sure how I can implement this.
Old Phrase: Why the f*ck didn't you say that before?
Preferred New Phrase: I'll try to schedule that.
Old Phrase: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
Preferred New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: Who the f*ck cares?
Preferred New Phrase: I'm not sure this is a problem.
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t!
Preferred New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t and die!
Preferred New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t and die motherf*cker!
Preferred New Phrase: Excuse me Sir?
Old Phrase: What the f*ck do they want from my life?
Preferred New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass!
Preferred New Phrase: So you'd like my help with it?
Old Phrase: F*ck it, I'm on salary.
Preferred New Phrase: I don't think you understand.
Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
Preferred New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you the boss?
Preferred New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: I really don't give a sh*t.
Preferred New Phrase: I don't think that will be a problem.
Old Phrase: He's a f*cking :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:.
Preferred New Phrase: He's a little insensitive.
Old Phrase: She's a ball breaking §§§§§.
Preferred New Phrase: She's an aggressive go getter.
Old Phrase: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing!
Preferred New Phrase: I think you could use more training.
Old Phrase: This place is all f*cked up.
Preferred New Phrase: We're a little disorganised.
..
NASA...
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
This is for my...
4 men gather on the top of a 30-story building, an East Indian, a Jamaican, an American Indian and a White Man.
The East Indian guy says "This is for my people!" and he jumps off.
The Jamaican says "This is for my people!" and jumps off.
The American Indian says "This is for my people" and pushes the White man off.
Blonde horseback rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops
along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws
herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...............
Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. So from now on please call them "little sheet heads". Thank you for your support
.
Thank God for church women with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who does
not care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and do not know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions she is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM-prayer and medication to follow.
24. The women of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All women
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciate it if the women of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
What's the difference betweena mosquito and a blonde?
The mosquito stops sucking when u slap it
The Baby Photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked."Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
" Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
I sat in the back yard last night and heard:
Clop Clop clop Boom
and a while later,
Clop Clop Clop Boom.
I wonder when these Amish drive by shootings will stop?
what's the strongest kind of drink ? (fluid)
....
water, cos it can carry a ship !!!
hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
:rolleyes:
1. Q.What was postman Pats name after he retired??
A.Pat
hehehehehe
2. Q. What couldn't Dave drive?
A. Because he was an apple :)
3. Q. Why was Mary so shart?
A. Because she had no legs.
4. Q. Why was bert so tall?
A. Because he stole Mary's legs! hehe :)
5. Q What was fireman Sams Name after he retired?
A. Sam
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady_Germ
1. Q.What was postman Pats name after he retired??
A.Pat
hehehehehe
2. Q. What couldn't Dave drive?
A. Because he was an apple :)
3. Q. Why was Mary so shart?
A. Because she had no legs.
4. Q. Why was bert so tall?
A. Because he stole Mary's legs! hehe :)
5. Q What was fireman Sams Name after he retired?
A. Sam
put the walmart brand cherry flavored crack down and take two steps back.
Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
put the walmart brand cherry flavored crack down and take two steps back.
lol! i thought they were funny :p:
Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's
time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son is
playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to
pick up a case of Bud for tonight.
How about you?"
The second guy says, "F*ck you, towel-head!"
Julie (the Blonde) is on her way to the airport. As she's driving down the highway approaching the exit for the airport, she sees a sign that says "Airport Left". So she turns around and goes back home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A milkman was delivering on his round when he came to an order which said, "45 pints of milk."
Puzzled, the milkman decided to ask the person weather or not he/she had made a mistake. When he knocked on the door, a woman came out with just a bath towel around her.
The milkman asked her if she had made a mistake but sure enough she wanted 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explained the woman.
"Oh, okay," said the milkman. "Do you want it pasturised then?"
"No," said the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the §§§§ out of him."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: Mr. Smiths boil!'''
ewwww lol
LMFAO!!! :ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:
I think you were right about my joke JHunny!!!
Mine is §§§§ compared to thoes...i dont usually read jokes but i felt like a laugh!
funny!
Q. What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?
A. The woman in church has hope for her soul
Q. What does the 'MAGIC' in Magic Johnson stand for?
A. My A** Got Infected Coach
Finnish Weather
+15°C
It doesn't get warmer than this in Finland, so we'll start here;
The Spanish put on caps, winter jackets and gloves.
The Finns work on their tans.
+10°C
The French try, in vain, to get the central heating started.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C
Italian cars refuse to start.
The Finns go cruising in cabriolets.
0°C
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda stream gets a bit thicker.
-5°C
People in California get cold damage.
The Finns are grilling the last hot dog before the winter.
-10°C
The English turn on the heat in their homes.
The Finns put on a sweater.
-20°C
The Australians flee Mallorca.
The Finns stop celebrating midsummer, autumn is here.
-30°C
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns hang their laundry to dry indoors.
-40°C
Paris cracks in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stand.
-50°C
The polar bears evacuate the north pole.
The Finnish army postpone their winter survival training in waiting for a
proper winter.
-60°C
Koarvatunturi freezes.
The Finns rent a video and stay indoors.
-70°C
The fake Santa Claus moves south.
The Finns get upset because it's impossible to make Kossu (Koskenkorva)
outdoors. The Finnish army start their winter survival course.
-183°C
The microbes in food doesn't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the milkers' hands feel a bit cold.
-273°C
ALL atom-based movement ceases.
The Finns tell each other "Perkele, it sure feels cold today".
-300°C
Hell freezes over.
The Finns win the Eurovision Song Contest.
"I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his Eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car."
Cool Things About Being A Man:
1- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2- Your orgasms are real. Always.
3- Your last name stays put.
4- The garage is all yours.
5- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10- Same work, more pay.
11- Wrinkles add character.
12- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13- Wedding dress $2,000.00; Tux rental $100.00
14- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17- One mood, all the damn time.
18- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20- You can open all your own jars.
21- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22- Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
23- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "he must be mad at me".
27- No maxi-pads.'
28- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37- The world is your urinal
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
theother, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You
go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel
on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk
them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best
looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for
the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a
bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the
leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
Gautama the Buddha
Priest is walking down the road hand in hand with his girlfriend
She says "I dont want to be your girlfriend anymore"
"Why not?" says the Priest
"Because youre a Paedeophile" she replies
"f**kinell" says the priest, "Thats a long word for an eight year old"
They say if you play the Windows XP CD backward, you can hear satanic words.
If you play it forward it installs Windows XP.
Ok, so there are these 3 women who work at the same place. One is blonde, one is a brunette, and one is a redhead. Every Friday night, their boss leaves early from work. And they finally thought about it and decided to go home early as well because their boss would never know they left early.
So the brunette goes home early gets some chores done around the house.
The redhead goes home and does some gardening.
The blonde goes home to find her boss sleeping with her husband so she hides until her boss leaves.
Monday comes and the 3 women started talking and the brunette said: "We should leave early again this Friday" and the redhead agreed but the blonde said: "NO WAY, I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT!"