Olllldddddd.... But still funny as hell.
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Olllldddddd.... But still funny as hell.
One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.?
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him
George what's the best thing I can do to help the country?
Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did. Washington advises
and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, Tom
please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?
Respect the Constitution as I did. Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight.
The third night is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see
the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers Franklin. What is
the best thing I can do to help the country?
Help the less fortunate, just as I did FDR replies and fades into the
mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads,
Abe what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?
Lincoln replies. "GO SEE A PLAY"
"GO SEE A PLAY" :clap:
Watercoolin' - n00b style :p:
>>>CLICKY<<<
:D
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
RETIREMENT
The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."
If something needs counting, why does everyone always get polish people to do it?
CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors??
-cause if it had 4 doors it`d be a chicken sedan. :p:
A hot dog walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool, bangs the counter and says, "Bartender, give me a double shot of your best whiskey!".
To which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food". :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ugly n Grey
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rof l::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: :rofl:vvv
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised........" ...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I tak e a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vapor
Lol :D :D
@Vapor LOL
And as we talk about Priests, here's another.
A Priest gives a ride to a young Lady.
She is wearing a short Skirt.
When he shifts the gear the first time, he touches her thigh.
She then says to him, Father remember Vers. 129.
He Cant remember it, and immediately pulls his Hand to him self, as he thinks it must be something with the Devil.
This happens a couple of times more, and every time, his Hand gets higher and higher up her thigh.
When he comes Home, he runs over to his books and finds Vers. 129, which says.
Reach higher and you'll find Paradis
reproduced from memory, forgive the typos...
A young man named Mikee made a deal with Frisch and traded Frisch a perfectly good 9800pro for a magic ladder. Frisch told young Mikee "just put the ladder in the ground and say "climb" three times. Your ladder will reach to the heavens". Frisch then went on to explain a number of things and told about four platforms, things that Mikee promptly ignored.
Mikee being a skeptic didn't pay too much attention but had thought it worth a shot. So home he goes and sticks the ladder in the ground and says the magic words. The ladder shoots off into the heavens causing Mikee to pee himself a bit, but that does not stop him from getting on the ladder and starting to climb, higher and higher and higher.
Sometime about half a day later he comes across a platform. On the platform is a not a bad looking chicita, Mikee rates her about a 7 in his head and then she beings to speak. "You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Being the gambling sort Mikee heads off up the latter.
Sometime later he comes upon the second platform and on it is a stunningly beautiful woman. Mikee mentally rates her a 9.5 out of 10 just before she speaks. "You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Being the gambling sort Mikee heads off up the latter.
Finally he arrives at the third platform. There he beholds such a vision that he doesn't even give her a number, he just stares and drools all over his Donald Duck T-Shirt nearly weeping with the beauty that is this woman."You may have me now, all of me or continue to climb the ladder to success." Now Mikee is pretty darn tempted, he figures this is it...THE most perfect being in the universe. But, being the gambling sort -Mikee heads off up the latter.
Sometime later he reaches the fourth platform. As he steps foot upon it, the ladder below him disappears. He glances up to see this final reward and sees the most horibble troll he has every seen in his life. This guy is huge, almost seven feet tall and is covered in warts everywhere, with the occasional fly buzzing about his ears. Dangling between his legs is an appendage Mikee initially took to be a third leg. Scared witless and more than a little shaken, Mikee asks "Who are you?" in a quavering voice. The ugly vision before him responds "I'm Cess"
from http://austin.craigslist.org/about/b.../60286784.html although i've heard it before
Quote:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
I just started a chain email with that one, LOL.
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her
boyfriend buying flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says:
"Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:
"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies:
"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
"The blonde says: ........."Don't you have a vase?"
World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom
Heed this warning - DO NOT loose your grandkids in the Mall!!!!!!
A small boy was lost in a very large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed police officer and said, "I've lost my Grandpa"!!
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, " Crown Royal Whiskey and women with big tits."
again, old, but still fun to read.
Quote:
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for some conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said,
"It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself..."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said,
"You know,I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."
She gasped, "Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a
little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.