Joke Thread

A Very Puzzled Blonde



John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For
heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Poke teh bunny!
It's not really a joke, but I like it.

http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html

Quote:

---

Originally posted by JBell


hahah that was good!

---

Have you seen the spank the monkey page?


http://www.vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/flamjam.html

Logic...

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first,
and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Blonde.

Three women who work in the same office notice that
their female boss has
started leaving work early every day, so one day they
decide that after she
leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she
never calls or comes
back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
little gardening,
watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as
she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly
opens the door a crack and
is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!
Ever so gently, she
closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about
leaving early again, but
when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

This little poem came about as an exercise for multi-national translation personnel at the NATO headquarters in Paris. English wasn't so hard to learn, they found, but English pronunciation is a killer.
After trying the poem, native French interpreter said he'd prefer to spend six months at hard labor than reading six lines loud.
English is Tough Stuff
Dearest creature in creation
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I: Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar.
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and droll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Soul but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, knob, bosom, transom, oath.
Through the differences seem little,
We say actual, but also victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, Conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye.
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, brass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging.
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche!
Is it paling, stout and spiky?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough - Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advise is to give it up!!!

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

*********

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL-MATE Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor "may I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmmm, I've never seen that color before." Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feel. Sigh relaxingly. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yellow, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall to sleep on me now." Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
And now, the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'."

Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other
direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00.
They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL".
He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Jbell... Found a long lost link today for me =]

http://web.njit.edu/~rrs2/yatta.asf


I cant belive stuff like this is really on TV

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot find condoms on the shelves. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his d!ck on the counter and puts a five-dollar bill down next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into the pocket of his white coat. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f&^%ing shoes!"

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

:D

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John
that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John
for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside
and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over
to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,"
John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

hehe, just found this article on the net. i feel sorry for the people that actually believe this kinda stuff... "Hackers can blow up your computer" LOL!

daym! this didn't even deserve the effort to post it!! funny though but stupid as hell!

Heh, I think someone here at Compuserve sent this to a member!

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen d*mn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bulls**t over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fu**ing answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fu**ing line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to p*ss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get p*ssed when we tell you that your system is royally fu**ed. We didn't f**k it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' sh*t shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the go***mned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can p¿¿¿ them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us ¿¿¿uming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fu**ing toaster to Mexico, you can be d*mn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pi**es us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pi**es us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno bulls**t to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and ¿¿¿ess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fu**ed, it's fu**ed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fu**ed. That is of course unless you really p*ss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.


I thought some others here might like it or relate to it..
And Joe, I edited it!! So, I think I need a strike taken off!!:D :D

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
>>> 9. He is one hard judge!
>>> 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
>>> 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
>>> 6. Is it a penal offense?
>>> 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
>>> 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
>>> 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
>>> 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Think you can get me off?
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>> Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
>>> 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
>>> 8. Just stick it in my box.
>>> 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
>>> 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
>>> 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
>>> 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
>>> 3. It's an entry-level position.
>>> 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>>
>>> Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
>>> 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
>>> 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
>>> 7. Look at the size of his putter
>>> 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
>>> 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
>>> 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
>>> 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
>>> 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
>>>
>>>And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Smizack

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

---

LOL! That's funny!:cool:


My wife works at a major call center, and sometimes they have a pervert that always calls and likes to cause trouble! I beg her to give me his number, so I can give that ******* piece of **** a call!:mad: :)

Work or Prison? You Decide

>In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
>At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.
>
>In prison, they get three free meals a day.
>At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.
>
>In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
>At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.
>
>At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.
>In prison, they are provided with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn
>on.
>
>In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
>At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
>
>In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
>At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the
>doors myself.
>
>In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
>At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
>In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
>At work, I must do any learning on my own time.
>
>In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost anytime.
>At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.
>
>In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
>At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.
>
>In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
>At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
>
>In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
>At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay taxes
>to pay for the prisoners.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the Order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29. "I am actually 47. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

How 'bout some Darwin Awards?



On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted
murderer once on death row, but later serving a life
sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was
electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he
watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.


NOMINEE #10 ["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec.
4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion
Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette
lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was
killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in
his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home
about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been
firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into
the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.


NOMINEE #11 [AP, Mammoth Lakes]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding
down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad
removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was
probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.


NOMINEE #12 -
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central
Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate
as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old
man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one
end of which they attached to a net and the other to a
high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news
agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as
saying. "For a while everything went according to the
poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a
certain moment the man holding the net tripped and
fell into the water," the agency said. The other
poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.


NOMINEE 13 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was
killed instantly when it fell on him.


NOMINEE 14 [¿¿¿ociated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A
man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as
a prank during a party.


AND THE NEWEST CANDIDATES: John Pernicky
and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington.
Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat
in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided
that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot
high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends
pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop
over, and then ¿¿¿ist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, the Fence was a 30 foot drop
on the other side. Having heaved himself over he
found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the
ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large
branch which had been snagged by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John
looked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
John crashed below into holly bushes, The sharp
leaves scratched his whole body, and now being
without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a
holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make
matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with
him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing
his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided
to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However,
weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best
course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck.

This is when things went really bad.

Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong
gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash
through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal
was thrown from the truck, suffered m¿¿¿ive internal
injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a
pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man
with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a
knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from
the trees 25 feet in the air.