Almost crying...
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Almost crying...
What's the Difference between a :banana::banana::banana::banana:ney and a Smartie ?
Smarties don't melt in the Tube.....
Sick i know... But quite British in its black gallows humour
i no that this is a really long read but its really worth it....i laughed for more then half an hour when i first read this....trust me you wont regret the time spent reading this
as an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.
Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as Adobe's Photoshop and Microsoft's Word, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: "Peter is a computer hacker!"
As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.
After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.
After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.
To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.
1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?
Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.
I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult" content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.
2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?
Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".
The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.
3. Has your child asked for new hardware?
Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.
If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. These security features include something called multipliers. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.
4. Does your child read hacking manuals?
If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.
There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.
If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.
5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?
If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.
6. Does your son use Quake?
Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.
If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.
7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?
As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.
Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.
8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?
BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.
Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.
If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.
9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?
If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.
10. Is your son struggling academically?
If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku" hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.
I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.
the funny thing is that the guy was serious
He can't be serious can he??? Some people are so clueless about everything it is crazy, and I am not just talking about technology... "Peter" was obviously just becoming a teen, and this "model dad" completely failed to realise that...
Yan
yeah i feel so bad for that kid to have a jakassed dad like tht with all the false pride ignorance and just basic failure in the world....
http://thisisacryforhelp.com/jokes/babyj.htm PAGES of two-liners. enjoy! :clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by vlad
Saddam is walking along and finds a magical bottle which seems to hold a Genie. He rubs the bottle and the Genie appears.
She says to him; "I can grant you but one wish oh un-shaven one."
Saddam; "I thought it was three wishes?"
Genie; "It's just one wish."
Saddam thinks to himself; I shall trick this Genie. He then demands; "My one wish is to share my Bed with three American women."
Genie; "Your wish shall be granted."
In the morning he awakes to find Tanya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hilary Clinton in his bed. To his horror, his knees are broke, his penis is cut off and he has no Health Insurance!
HAHAHA
lol heres one related to that
saddam uncle sam and some dude are stranded in the desert...the guy was stoping uncle sam and saddam from killing each other the entire week they had been stranded....while they were walking one day he stumbled upon a lamp an a genie poped out.....since there were three of them the genie gave them one wish each...since the dude had found the lamp he gave him the first wish....well he wished to get the :banana::banana::banana::banana: out of there....the next was saddam and he wished for a huge wall to be built around the holy land, and for all of his people, he wanted this wall tho be infinatly high and keep out all the infidels....the wish was granted and he was transported to the holy land....meanwhile uncle sam has been wating patiently....when the genie asks what he wants he responds...."noy your sure nothing can get in or out of this wall right?" "yes" "100% inpenatrible?" "yes"
Fill it with water
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said
that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said,
"This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing,
she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with
every decision
you make
and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never
ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will
NEVER
have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
good one.....
the absent minded guy who unbuttons his collar and pisses his pants?
An oldie but a goodie! :thumbsup:
Three men sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said that he had married a Northern Irish girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
The perfect man and the perfect woman were driving down a snowy road on Christmas eve. Out of nowhere , Santa's sleigh came crashing down into the car. Who survived?
The solution is an easy excercise in logic...
If you believe in Santa Claus at this age, you're a bit nutso and any woman will tell you there is certainly no such thing as the perfect man....
haha :clap:Quote:
Originally Posted by geoff2k
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
\/
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
just got one from friend
a woman went to autoshop and said
i wanna buy "710"
710??? no one knows what the xxxx is that
she said, every car has 710!!!!!!
everyone searchs google and yahoo
but still no result.....
then..... they ask her to draw it!!!!
it look like this.....
http://photo.cdpa.cc/albums/userpics...ShowLetter.jpg
710 :lol2: aint that the truth!
lololol!!!!
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. the native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling guys... this gets better!!!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:
1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The secretary changing the toner accidentally drops a pen into the office laser printer and can not retrieve it. She then makes up a sign to warn people of this problem.
The sign reads:
Please Don't Use
PENIS STUCK in Printer
OOPS... The PEN and IS is a little too close together... Not Good, but a hell of a laugh for the users walking up to read the out of order sign!
and I found this
http://picture.funnyjunk.com/pics/warning.gif
1. I have moss growing:
A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth
2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:
A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat
3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
4. I think sheep are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live
5. The Usenet Oracle is:
A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me
6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:
A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures
7. Bill Gates is:
A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist
8. In general, people:
A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?
9. My friends are:
A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am
10. My dream vacation is:
A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee
11. My job prospects are:
A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?
Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.
19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.
13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.
7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...
0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?
A spokesman for 60's band "The Animals" has today appologised stating that they was mistaken and there isn't a house in New Orleans after all..
A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"