Which bees produce milk? Boobies!! :banana4: w00t.
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Which bees produce milk? Boobies!! :banana4: w00t.
...Quote:
>Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic????
>>The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
>>University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
>>Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
>>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)or
some variant.
>>One student, however, wrote the following:
>>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving.
>>As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.
>>With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.
>>This gives two possibilities:
>>1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>>2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
>>So which is it?
>>If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already
frozen over.
>>The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
just passin it along.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting and smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing the joint. He looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude!!...... how much water did you drink?!!
a guy plans to have a party and wants to invite all kinds of people, both him and his gf are making a list who to invite. but whenever he mentions any of his good pals she doesnt want them invited. so hes starting to get annoyed and asks her wth she doesnt like about his good buddies ,she replies:
"matt is a horrable kisser, frank keeps biting my nipples and peter makes discusting sounds in bed... do i need to go on?"
:lol:
hope its still funny in english, not that easy to translate jokes and keep them as funny :D
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other
kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See?
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
"Very good", said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of perfect 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
:rotf:
Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up at night wondering if there was a dog.
:D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peckers
Good one. :ROTF:
This may not be a "joke" per se but I found it so damn funny I had to host it:
http://www.mattoverclocked.com/christmascarols.wmv
For fans of Larry the Cable Guy especially, enjoy. :toast:
what's purple, stinks and sits in my front yard?
It's my woman and i'll paint her any color i want to.
--slly
lol :D
{tasteless}
what's better than winning first place in the special olympics?
not being retarded.
what's better than second place?
ICECREAM!!!
how did hellen keller break her arm?
she tried to read a stop sign at 40mph.
{/tasteless}
--slly
Re: Divine Intervention
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument
about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days,
and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a
test that will run
two hours, and I will judge who does the better
job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded files.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was
faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of
course-the electricity
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in
the Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of
them restarted their
computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's
gone! It's all
GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the
past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
8. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
9. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
11. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don't even notice.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
15. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
16. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every
newsstation: "STORM WATCH 2004."
17. You pass by a high school and most of the kids you see are
talking on a cell phone.
18. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
19. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
20. Hey! Is Pot Illegal????
21. The Terminator is your new Governator.
22. You're considered a foreigner in any other state.
23. Your car is larger than your apartment.
Hahaha, that's great!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Bulldog
FUNNY DRINKING STORY
PERHAPS THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER TOLD.
Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in Minnesota.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained
stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their
vehicles.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly
down the street.
The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly
pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man
consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.
This breathalyser equipment must be broken.
I doubt it, said the man. Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
Doctor Dave had had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
.
Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't
be the last. And you're single. Just let it go. . . "
.
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering . . "Dave . . . .you're a vet".
if there's a black man and a mexican man in a car, who's driving?
teh p :rolleyes: lice
Q: How many gay guys can you fit on a bar stool?
A: Four, turn it upside down!
YNB
LOL, eventhough i disagree with homophobiaQuote:
Originally Posted by YanBooth
I am not a homophobe, I just heard a funny joke, and shared, happens to be about gays...
Yan
What's brown and sticky?
A STICK :woot:
If you do not find dead baby jokes funny, then STOP READING IMMEDIATELY.
<START POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS>
What's worse then finding 100 dead babies in a garbage can?
Finding one dead baby in 100 garbage cans.
What's worse than findind one dead baby in 100 garbage cans?
Finding 100 dead babies in one garbage can with one on the bottom eating its way out.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
</END POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS>
:ROTF: I love dead baby jokes.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian.
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around either barefoot or in sandals.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.