Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got his gas bill!
that joke is soooo old... at least in Belgium ;)Quote:
Originally posted by TheDude
You have stooped to a new all time low JB....you sick ยงยงยงยง!
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Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He got his gas bill!
that joke is soooo old... at least in Belgium ;)Quote:
Originally posted by TheDude
You have stooped to a new all time low JB....you sick ยงยงยงยง!
Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife Mary:
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said:
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said: "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said:"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
a women goes to the doctor, because she has a terrible pain in the bottom of her belly. the doctor has a look at it, and sees there were maggots growing inside of her womb.
the doctor asks the women how that got into her. the women didn't know, because she didn't have any abnormal sexual activities.
then the doctor asks the women: "hm... does your your husband perhaps work at the morgue?"
whats the diff between getting caught by a speed camera, and going down on a women???
when u go down on a women u can actually see the c*** behind the bush........ :D
what did the number 0 say to the number 8?
nice belt.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and she would gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop letting them rip because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him he should see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to let them rip! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound >asleep and,gently pulling back the covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled onto the floor laughing with tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she got him back pretty good. > > > > >About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter?
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!
What do you get when you combine holy water and prune juice?
A religious movement.
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."
LMAO!!
Quote:
Originally posted by apathy^2
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or New York but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."
LOL! that was a good one thanks :toast: :)
That Jane Fonda's Workout DVD is amazing,it really works,I've only had it for 10 days and I've got a right arm Like Arnold Schwarzenegger already.
Okay heres a joke
How did the old man with a heartpacer die? He visted a Magnet shop.
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall
asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted
:smileysex ....
to: Technical Support
subject: Software problems.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favourite applications. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me please?
Thanks, Joe.
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely
that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend
7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or
purge the program file from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the
original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course
of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid
excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system
will run smoothly, as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers
2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
While she was flying down the road yesterday (20 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah?," said the cop, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:?" he asked,
to which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"
Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
The look on that cop's face: PRICELESS
Hahaha i got the Mom 65.24 and it is not a user friendly program..Quote:
Originally posted by Bulldog
to: Technical Support
subject: Software problems.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday
Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favourite applications. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me please?
Thanks, Joe.
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely
that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend
7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or
purge the program file from the system once installed. You cannot go back to
Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the
original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding
General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for
faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course
of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid
excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system
will run smoothly, as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers
2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary with
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
btw rotflmao
....
A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every
week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Marys."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a
week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well, " sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a
gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her,
as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest. Her dress is green and very sho rt, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and
dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes."
Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer. One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates. A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem. "Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?" Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway." Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:
Dearest Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle. Love always, Mike
Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:
Dearest Michael, I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now. Love, Mother
ROFL.... heres my joke: two irish men walk out of a pub.
A young blond woman in Delaware was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Delaware River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship." I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy. The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a ro! utine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii and, in return, he's screwing me".
He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Cape May - Lewes
Ferry
A cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "! Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."