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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He
responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end, and never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with perky boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you
told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
:D
LMAO, Ive heard the hot air before, but with the engineer being Republican and the manager being a Democrat. Great joke.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
OMG! ROFLMAO!:ROTF:
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing a mean old nasty pitbull with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, " I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic! I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The girl said, "it's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my schoolbag."
A high school teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.......
An Irish Priest is in a Church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -
"Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your Sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves and soon another enters and kneels.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my Sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The Priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
"Those are your Sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my Sins: I have had sex with Nookie
Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the Priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."
The Priest closes the Church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...
The next morning, the Priest is up in front of his congregation saying Mass. The doors fly open in the back of the Church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle to the front row and sits down right in front of the Priest, her knees apart.
The Priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask Little Johnny, the altar boy:
"Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"
Little Johnny has a look and says:
"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
THIS ONES FUNNY(WORTH READING!!!)
this woman was walking along the beach when she found a bottle she wiped it off to see wah t it said and a geni popped out. the geni said ill grant u three wishes but whatever u wish for your husband gets three taimes as much.
so the woman says for my first wish i want to be the richest person in the world and she was until her husband got three times as much
then for her second wish she wished to be the most beatiful person in the world and she was until her husband was three times as handsome
then for her third wish she wished for a minor heartattack
and her husband got it three times as bad :lol:
these two boys were big trouble makers and their mom couldnt handel them anymore so she took them to the preist to have a talk with them. the first boys goes in alone a the preist asks "where is God?" the boy runs outside screaming and tell his brother "God is missing and they think we did it!"
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the
Richter scale has hit Mexico.150,000 Mexicans have
died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army
control the riots. The European community (except
France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 150,000 replacement
Mexicans.
God Bless America!
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The Parrot
John received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude, and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude.
John tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet, not a sound for half a minute. John was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's extended arm and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
John was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot asked softly, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
:D
One day, Saddam Hussein's heart stops and he dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do with you," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Saddam thought that sounded good and he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Ted Kennedy and a large pond of water. He kept diving
into the water from a bridge and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
No," Saddam said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Charlie Manson with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Saddam.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Saddam saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Saddam looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go:D
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Sam.----- ya shoulda bought a hat!"
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy n line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his butt off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:..........."Make 'em all ugly again".
An oldie but goodie!:D
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was
an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat
could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your
stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do
better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do
your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, ยงยงยงยง
on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on
sick leave with pay.
Joe and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital
Swimming pool, Joe suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Joe out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as he now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I
have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Joe, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. "I am
so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she
met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye,Father."
They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father
asked,
"Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very
well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She
replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband
doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.
why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
What do you tell a women with two black eyes?
Nothin ya already told her twice.
Why did the women cross the road?
Who gives a **** why the **** was she out of the kitchen?
Why do women have such small feet?
So they can stand close to the stove.
why has there never been a woman on the moon??
Because it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.....
C.
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a
Hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie. The first thing
Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could
Not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So
Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if
They had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under
the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your
bill?" "No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you
think I am?"
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells" .
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
:D