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Thank God for church women with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who does
not care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and do not know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions she is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM-prayer and medication to follow.
24. The women of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All women
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
27. The pastor would appreciate it if the women of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
What's the difference betweena mosquito and a blonde?
The mosquito stops sucking when u slap it
The Baby Photographer
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked."Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
" Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
I sat in the back yard last night and heard:
Clop Clop clop Boom
and a while later,
Clop Clop Clop Boom.
I wonder when these Amish drive by shootings will stop?
what's the strongest kind of drink ? (fluid)
....
water, cos it can carry a ship !!!
hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
:rolleyes:
1. Q.What was postman Pats name after he retired??
A.Pat
hehehehehe
2. Q. What couldn't Dave drive?
A. Because he was an apple :)
3. Q. Why was Mary so shart?
A. Because she had no legs.
4. Q. Why was bert so tall?
A. Because he stole Mary's legs! hehe :)
5. Q What was fireman Sams Name after he retired?
A. Sam
Quote:
Originally posted by Lady_Germ
1. Q.What was postman Pats name after he retired??
A.Pat
hehehehehe
2. Q. What couldn't Dave drive?
A. Because he was an apple :)
3. Q. Why was Mary so shart?
A. Because she had no legs.
4. Q. Why was bert so tall?
A. Because he stole Mary's legs! hehe :)
5. Q What was fireman Sams Name after he retired?
A. Sam
put the walmart brand cherry flavored crack down and take two steps back.
Quote:
Originally posted by JBELL
put the walmart brand cherry flavored crack down and take two steps back.
lol! i thought they were funny :p:
Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's
time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son is
playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to
pick up a case of Bud for tonight.
How about you?"
The second guy says, "F*ck you, towel-head!"
Julie (the Blonde) is on her way to the airport. As she's driving down the highway approaching the exit for the airport, she sees a sign that says "Airport Left". So she turns around and goes back home.
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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
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A milkman was delivering on his round when he came to an order which said, "45 pints of milk."
Puzzled, the milkman decided to ask the person weather or not he/she had made a mistake. When he knocked on the door, a woman came out with just a bath towel around her.
The milkman asked her if she had made a mistake but sure enough she wanted 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explained the woman.
"Oh, okay," said the milkman. "Do you want it pasturised then?"
"No," said the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."
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Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the §§§§ out of him."
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: Mr. Smiths boil!'''
ewwww lol
LMFAO!!! :ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:
I think you were right about my joke JHunny!!!
Mine is §§§§ compared to thoes...i dont usually read jokes but i felt like a laugh!
funny!
Q. What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath?
A. The woman in church has hope for her soul
Q. What does the 'MAGIC' in Magic Johnson stand for?
A. My A** Got Infected Coach
Finnish Weather
+15°C
It doesn't get warmer than this in Finland, so we'll start here;
The Spanish put on caps, winter jackets and gloves.
The Finns work on their tans.
+10°C
The French try, in vain, to get the central heating started.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C
Italian cars refuse to start.
The Finns go cruising in cabriolets.
0°C
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda stream gets a bit thicker.
-5°C
People in California get cold damage.
The Finns are grilling the last hot dog before the winter.
-10°C
The English turn on the heat in their homes.
The Finns put on a sweater.
-20°C
The Australians flee Mallorca.
The Finns stop celebrating midsummer, autumn is here.
-30°C
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns hang their laundry to dry indoors.
-40°C
Paris cracks in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stand.
-50°C
The polar bears evacuate the north pole.
The Finnish army postpone their winter survival training in waiting for a
proper winter.
-60°C
Koarvatunturi freezes.
The Finns rent a video and stay indoors.
-70°C
The fake Santa Claus moves south.
The Finns get upset because it's impossible to make Kossu (Koskenkorva)
outdoors. The Finnish army start their winter survival course.
-183°C
The microbes in food doesn't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the milkers' hands feel a bit cold.
-273°C
ALL atom-based movement ceases.
The Finns tell each other "Perkele, it sure feels cold today".
-300°C
Hell freezes over.
The Finns win the Eurovision Song Contest.
"I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his Eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car."
Cool Things About Being A Man:
1- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2- Your orgasms are real. Always.
3- Your last name stays put.
4- The garage is all yours.
5- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10- Same work, more pay.
11- Wrinkles add character.
12- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13- Wedding dress $2,000.00; Tux rental $100.00
14- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17- One mood, all the damn time.
18- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20- You can open all your own jars.
21- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22- Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
23- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "he must be mad at me".
27- No maxi-pads.'
28- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
24th, in minutes.
37- The world is your urinal
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
theother, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You
go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel
on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk
them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed
attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best
looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for
the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for
neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a
bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the
leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
Gautama the Buddha
Priest is walking down the road hand in hand with his girlfriend
She says "I dont want to be your girlfriend anymore"
"Why not?" says the Priest
"Because youre a Paedeophile" she replies
"f**kinell" says the priest, "Thats a long word for an eight year old"
They say if you play the Windows XP CD backward, you can hear satanic words.
If you play it forward it installs Windows XP.
Ok, so there are these 3 women who work at the same place. One is blonde, one is a brunette, and one is a redhead. Every Friday night, their boss leaves early from work. And they finally thought about it and decided to go home early as well because their boss would never know they left early.
So the brunette goes home early gets some chores done around the house.
The redhead goes home and does some gardening.
The blonde goes home to find her boss sleeping with her husband so she hides until her boss leaves.
Monday comes and the 3 women started talking and the brunette said: "We should leave early again this Friday" and the redhead agreed but the blonde said: "NO WAY, I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT!"