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TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No
offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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#7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
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# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a
few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
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# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
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# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot all,
350 pounds, 20 inch :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought
you said 'Turn around. '"
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# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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A bear of a time
I live near Yellowstone National Park and spend a fair bit of time in the park. In Yellowstone, one of the most common experiences is what we call a "bear-jam," a "wolf-jam, or simply an "animal-jam," where it is not uncommon to see at least a 100 people in their cars, trucks, and RVs stopped in and along the road to watch a bear, wolf, or other charismatic megafauna.
As you can imagine, a lot of visitors to Yellowstone aren't real knowledgable about wilderness. One time while watching a grizzly bear on the other side of the Yellowstone River, this woman next to me asked her male partner if they should be worried about the bear since it was getting rather close (about 200 meters away). The guy replied, "oh no, bears can't swim." Well, as if the bear heard that, it walked straight into the river and swam to the other side. Before I could blink, the couple was in their car and driving off. Bears swim quite well.
There are lots of stories about Yellowstone bears. For example, I have heard of parents that put jelly on their kids faces hoping to get a picture of a bear licking it off the kid. That's a parent of the year award, no doubt. You have probably heard about bear pepper spray. Around here we have additionally heard about people who assumed it was used like an insect repellent spray. They sprayed themselves with pepper spray. That's not a good idea, trust me, and after they found themselves rolling on the ground in agony, they figured it out.
Bears really do spook people and sometimes bring out some strange behavior. One time while backpacking, we came across another group of backpackers with a very pale woman who looked like she had seen a ghost. We chatted with them for awhile and found out that the woman had a scary bear experience. We inquired further.
Apparently, she had heard that bears are attracted to human food which is true. She figured that if she wrapped all her food in celophane, the bear wouldn't be able to smell the food, which is not true. Further, she put all the food in the bottom of her sleeping bag to help "hide" it from a bear. Oh boy. Low and behold, a bear wandered into their camp while they were asleep. It went right for the food, in her occupied sleeping bag. The bear easilly opened the front of her tent, grabbed the bottom of the sleeping bag, and started dragging its nice food goody bag away. The woman was still in the sleeping bag!!
As the bear dragged its prize away, the woman awoke, completely freaked out, and did the little kid thing where she pulled the sleeping bag over her head instead of getting out of the sleeping bag as the bear dragged it away. That meant she went deeper into the sleeping bag and kept going for a ride with the food and the bear. They didn't say how long she took that ride or how she got out, but apparently she no longer had a sleeping bag or, for at least some period of time, her marbles.
Bears make people do crazy things. I suppose, in a way, bears remind me of overclocking. Be careful out there!
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A major earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with
providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the
riots. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
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haha OCme That one is funny cause I live in southern Mexico, err I mean Southern California
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How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?
Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she's lookin 4 her pencil.
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Some for me today :)
Q.
How do u put an elephant inside a fridge in 3 steps?
A.
Open the fridge, Put the elephant in the fridge, close the fridge door.
Q.
there a natural disaster in ur place.. you have a junbo jet so basically u can take everything, ur car, ur stuff and family and relatives... so anyway, whilst on midair, the plane starts going down coz of too much weight. u need to throw something out....... which do you need to throw outside?
A.The fridge, the elephant is inside
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An American was backpacking across the highlands, when
he came across a small village where he decided to
spend the night.
Upon entering the local pub that evening for some
drinks with the locals, he found himself in a
conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant
individual.
"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the
backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But
ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"
"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to
the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me
MacGregor the church builder? No!"
And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But
ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder?
No!"
"But ya screw one goat..."
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way back in high school we had this gig where this guy went out any bought these four pigs, numbered em' 1, 2, 4, and 5 and then coated em' all with motor oil and then just let em' loose in lunch hour
took em' 30 minutes and the school faculty got 1, 2, 4, and 5 and then spent the next 10 hours looking for 3
april 1st, class of 1996, high school
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The Mother-In-Law
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home,but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
"We'll ship her home," says the guy. The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Saturn trying to get a date:
Me: Hi
Her: Hey whats up?
Me: Nothing, you?
Her: Not much, just chillin'
Me: Do you want to see my hard drive?
Her: Uhh..Your What?
Me: My hard drive...
Her: What is a hard drive?
Me: It's a sometimes large part
Her: Uhh...
Me: Fine, care to see my ram?
Her: You're sick!!
Me: WTF?
Her: Leave me alone pervert!!
Me: So I guess you don't want to overclock???
Her: *Smacks me*
Me: Ouch :(
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Saturn having cyber-whoopie
Mrs. Saturn: Hey baby, wanna cyber?
Me: w00t! Sure
Mrs. Saturn: Ok i'll start
Me: k
Mrs. Saturn: I'm slowly unzipping your pants
Me: OUCH! I got hung...Im bleeding but it's ok!
Mrs Saturn: Ok, you go
Me: I'm slowly un buttoning your shirt...Ooops..I ripped it
Mrs Saturn: That's ok baby, go ahead
Me: Now I'm unbuttoning you bra, wow these hooks are hard to remove!
Mrs Saturn: Dont worry baby, I'll get them
Me: WOA! The hook just shot from the bra and I think it killed your parrot..
Mrs Saturn: Uhh, anyways, Im now pulling you into the bed
Me: OOOPS! i knocked over the wine, let me get some paper towels from the bathroom
Mrs Saturn: Ok
Me: Hold on, I need to pea
Mrs Saturn: Ok
Me: It's Dark
Me: OOOPS! I pea'd in your laundry basket, im sorry baby!
Mrs Saturn: You know what, forget it loser!
**Mrs Saturn has left the chat**
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Me and my dad were down in florida with our friend steve on our way to a construction job when steve needs to pea...So we pull over on the side of the road for him to use the bathroom...Mind you he had drank a little too much before leaving to go to florida anyways, also, there are alot of aligators in the part of the state..
Anyways, he begins to pea when he falls to the ground screaming help that an aligator has got him...We're laughing like crazy as he struggles with it...Anyways a minute or so later he finally stops to rest and yells, I GOT HIM...we keep laughing and he asks us why..We tell him...Well steve...that wasnt an alligator, it was part of a blown out 18-wheeler tire...So this entire time he was wrestling with a truck tire....We made fun of him all the way to the motel room lol :p:
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There was a guy here who was planning to steal an ATM machine at a bank..So he chains his truck bumper to the ATM machine and takes off...Well...when he realized that the ATM machine wasnt coming off, and that it had torn his bumper off he just keeps going
When the police arrive they find that his bumper was tied to the chain around the ATM machine....They go to arrest him and he asks how they caught him when a cop says "You left your license plate on your bumper"
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An old lady brings a parrot home. This parrot has a problem swearing so everytime it would swear she would put it in the freezer...The first time she put him in the freezer for one minute....When he swears again she leaves him in for 5 minutes...The third time, she leaves him in for 25 minutes. Anyways, after the third time, she takes the parrot out and asks, are you going to swear again? He says, no, but please tell me how long the cat has been in the freezer...
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My grandfather took me, my mom, and my grandma out to burger king one night...Anyways, when they come to my grandma's order they ask her if she wants it king sized and my grandfather says, yeh, do it for the little lady, it's our anniversary.
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Ways to Confuse Santa
[list=1][*]Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. [*]While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. [*]Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. [*]While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. [*]Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! [*]Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." [*]Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. [*]Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. [*]While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. [*]Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. [*]Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." [*]While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on. [/list=1]
The M&M Challenge
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointer, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd.
Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 USA, along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one...
The Attack of the Ducks
Well today me and some mates got bored and decided to catch ducks with nets. We were chasing this duck family around for many minutes, doing so annoying the big daddy of the family. This macho duck decided to jump up and chase around in the air while in the process use its feet to knock our heads off your necks. Was a :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:ign scarey moment but damn it was funny a few hours later when we relised how stupid we looked runnign away from a duck about 40cms high in the air.
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Oh yer one more, about me and my girlfriend.
We're chatting about stuff and i suddenly go "OMFG Bh-5" and shes like "lol what". I also accidently copied a link to a site which had it.
So she check it out and comes back and goes "wtf nick you gimp?" and then i was lost her words and went offline. But the relationship still stands :)
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With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet" said the 65 year old mother,
"but soon." Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "Not yet" said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No", replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN IT CRIES", she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??."
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...
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Well I'll be...
The thread that you can win stuff in is up to 11 pages already, who would have expected that. ;)
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A woman who had recently celebrated her 100th birthday was being interviewed by a local newspaper reporter. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 100?"he asked.
"No peer pressure,"she replied with a smile.
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I could tell you about when my litlebrother almost circumcised me with scissors when I was about four years old.
Or I could tell you about the time I poured 5 liters of water in the gas tank of my dads car...
ยจ
And that one time I saw some news on TV about some riots somewhere in the world, and they were burning car tires and guess what I did next...The problem with burning tires is that once its burning its almost impossible to extinguish. And the smoke is unbelievable!
Bu the story that realy shows how smart kid I was, also has something to do with fire. I was propably about six years old when this happenned and we still had a tractor... It was parked behind a huge stone about 100 meters from our house and I was playing i was driving it. Then curiosity got the best of me and I openned the metal box where the battery was. It wasnt connected but I knew how to connect it so I started fidling around with a screwdriver whe this huge spark came out of the battery! If I had been any smarter I would have stopped by then, but the spark realy inspired me to try again and I was so happpy when another spark flew from the battery. So what I did next? No I didnt stop, but I got an absolutely marvelous idea to get some gasoline and poor it on the battery...And guess what hapenned when the next spark flashed...Yes you guessed right, The whole battery burst in flames and I started to panic just a bit.
I tried to stop the fire so I threw some dirt and moss to the box but it didnt help at all. When I realised I couldnt do a thing I just slammed the box shut and ran away...My dad didnt notice anything in two days but whenn he did, I just had to confess because I was feeling so awfull about what I had done...The tractor didnt burn but it needed some re-wiring and painting nevertheless.
My parents must have been realy happy by then;)
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Only 5 hours left to post your best!
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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants..."
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My ping replies file for IRC:
PONG!
Hi, Mom!
BURP!
What was that?
"Amish decloaking off the starboard bow, sir."
"That's great. I'll be sure to tell that to my dog."
"I'm an equal opportunity offernder - I piss everyone off without judgement."
"In a million years, the race of superintelligent maple trees will use human blood on their pancakes."
"Only you can prevent forest fires. If I hear about one more forest fire, I'm going to kick your ass. Understand?"
"In the land of the armless, the one-armed man will be king."
"If I ever get in an accident and wind up as a brain in a jar, I'd like the jar to be a cookie jar."
"Ass... hole in the ground... ass... hole in the ground."
"If God meant for us not to use genetic engineering, he would have write-protected our DNA."
"God made Louis Farrakhan human because he couldn't stand to see a centipede with 100 feet in its mouth and its head up its ass."
"I'm reading through the headlines on the Reuter's Feed at Yahoo, and I come across: 'Michael Jackson Stable.' This is the same guy that sleeps in the oxygen chamber, turned himself into a white guy, molests children, and built his own amusement park, right?
"Cats make horrible bath toys"
"Brush your teeth before you bite me, creep!"
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I figure it's worth having a crack. I'd saved a few of my favourite "tech support idiots" type anecdotes in a txt file, here's one of them:
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A few years ago, my daughter took over my computer sales and service business. Although she is probably "techier" than I am now, at the time she was pretty inexperienced, particularly when it came to hardware. As part of her training, she assisted me while I did various repairs. I remember stressing to her, "When diagnosing and repairing problems, it's important to stay calm. If you panic, you'll make mistakes."
We were installing a hard drive in one particular machine. The workbench was cluttered, so she had the case, and I had the keyboard and monitor a few feet away. After plugging everything in, I told her to hit the power switch while I got ready to access the CMOS from the keyboard. I was looking at the monitor when I heard her calmly say, "Ok, now the drive's on fire. Is that normal?"
I had certainly never seen a drive actually burst into flames before (obviously it was VERY faulty), and I immediately shouted in a panicked voice "Turn it off! Turn it off!" My daughter, however, was completely calm.
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Not the greatest, I'll have a look through when I get a few spare minutes :)
