-
A joke about the UK Asylum problem -
A major earthquake measuring 9.1 on the Richter Scale hit Albania this
morning.
350,000 Albanians are missing and over 1 million have been reported
injured.
The country is devastated with the government appealing for help.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troops to assist in relief work.
The USA is sending food, medical aid and money.
France !!! is sending doctors, nurses and medical supplies.
Russia is sending tents and warm clothing.
The UK is sending 135,000 replacement Albanians.
-
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "You know, 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age.
I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on
Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks,
What happened?"
The man says, "Nobody showed up!"
-
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bit*h.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year,
the dog is still excited to see you.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:s on the outside.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."
My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased one back man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
:D
-
The are two Irish leprechauns walking around the highlands, they are arguing with each other--"no there's not, yes there bloody well is, ahh your fuller of (*&(*& than...." it goes on and on. Till the two little Irish leprechauns happen upon a church. They knock on the door and the priest comes to the door and looks out seeing nothing, then he looks down and sees the two leprechauns and says "well how are ye today me laddies" they answer him and then say, "father we have a question for you." The Priest replies "and what is it me boys." One leprechaun says, "father are there leprechaun nuns." The priest replies "well no there aren't, why ye ask." The one leprechaun that had asked the question then turns around to his friend slaps him across the arm and says, "seee I told ye ye fu**ed a penguin"
-
Three men are sitting in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
“That's my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.
“I'm getting a Fax,” he explains.
-
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."
-
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
-
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
-
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and
build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when
they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's
About to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches
the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him
some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his
thumb, and he yells, Oh "§§§§!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
-
The Ejaculator...Lets see how much little swimmers you killed
http://strongbad.surrealistic.net/ejaculator.php
-
You have made 22.75 gallons and 189.857941 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech the length of 1.6177777777778 football fields!
You have killed approximately 1,048,320,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 5824 kittens.
-
You have made 121.33333333333 gallons and 1012.5756853333 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech the length of 6.4711111111111 football fields!
You have killed approximately 4,193,280,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 23296 kittens.
-
You have made 8.125 gallons and 67.8064075 lbs. of Jizz, Congrats!
If you lined up your ejaculations in 1 inch pools end to end it would strech 57.777777777778 yards.
You have killed approximately 374,400,000,000 little swimmers.
You have killed 2080 kittens.
-
<OL>
<LI>In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows
and gates?!
<LI>Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working
properly if you open Windows.
<LI>My SPARCstation has air condition. No need to open windows.
<LI>Windows 95 Source Code
<LI>Windows means "<B>W</B>ork <B>i</B>s <B>n</B>ever
<B>d</B>one <B>o</B>n <B>W</B>indows <B>s</B>ystems"
<LI> Customer: I'm running Windows 95...<BR>
Helpdesk: Yes...<BR>
Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!<BR>
Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.
<LI>Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
<LI>"Windows for dummies", another term of "this sentence no verb"
<LI> Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record:
Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
<LI>IBM creates Operating Systems - MS-DOSn't
<LI>Have you reinstalled your Windows today?
<LI>How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
<OL TYPE="a">
<LI><CODE>mke2fs /dev/sda1</CODE>
<LI><CODE>deltree /y \</CODE>
</OL>
<LI>Windows 95 the most popular virus on the market today.
<LI>Windows95 - Plug and pray...
<BR><SMALL>(Bastian Kleineidam aka <A HREF="/~calvin/">Calvin</A>)</SMALL>
<LI>Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
<LI>Windows - a solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
<LI>Windows - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
<BR><SMALL>BTW: Like Unix freaks like the <CODE>logout</CODE> in
the <CODE>.login</CODE> file, Windows users like the
<CODE>SHELL=C:\WINDOWS\SOL.EXE</CODE> line in their
<CODE>SYSTEM.INI</CODE> file. %-))</SMALL>
<LI>Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files!
<LI>If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual?
<LI>"Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
<LI>The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches.
It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an
hourglass..."
<LI>Windows =<I>W</I>aste <I>in</I> <I>DO</I>S <I>W</I>ork<I>S</I>pace
<LI>Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
<LI><KBD>Alt-F4</KBD>. Just do it.
<LI><CODE>C:\ONGRTLNS.W95</CODE>
<LI>Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
<LI>Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine
<LI>Does someone know the cheats for Windows95?
<LI>This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows!
<LI>This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x
<LI>OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]"
<LI>Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
<LI>Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x
<LI>Windows NT - Nice Try
<LI>Windows - a virus with mouse support
<LI>Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
<LI>Windows vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
<LI>The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it
displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
<LI>Microsoft is not the answer.<BR>
Microsoft is the question.<BR>
"No" is the answer!
<LI>McAfee-Question: <STRONG>Is Windows a virus?</STRONG>
<BLOCKQUOTE>
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:<P>
<OL>
<LI>They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
<LI>Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing
down the system as they do so - okay, Windows
does that.
<LI>Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard
disk - okay, Windows does that too.
<LI>Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user,
along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too.
<LI>Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect
their system is too slow (see 2.) and the user
will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows,
too.
</OL>
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:<BR>
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient
and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.<BR>
So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
</BLOCKQUOTE>
<LI>Last words of a Windows user:
<OL TYPE="a">
<LI>Why does that work now?
<LI>Where do I have to click now? - There?
<LI>Guess what this icon does...
<LI>Message box: <I>"Data not completely delete? Yes - No"</I> --- User: <I>"No - ey - Yes"</I>
</OL><BR>
<LI>Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house
<LI>Some windows were made to be broken
<LI>Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at <CODE>C:\></CODE>
<LI>Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!"
<LI>Bugs come in through open Windows
<LI>Windows '97 will also have artificial intelligence, e.g.:
<UL>
<LI>Unable to FORMAT A: Having a go at C:
<LI>Can't Compress Hard Drive but don't worry I'll delete all files over size 50,000 that'll give you some space.
</UL>
<LI>How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder!
<LI>Windows95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
<LI>Windows95: New look, same multicrashing
<LI>Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
<LI>Windows95 - Every function is a restart function...
<LI>Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time.
<LI>Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
<LI>Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so...
<LI>Windows - Just another pain in the glass
<LI>Windows - Turn your Pentium into an XT...
<LI>Windows - The Gates of hell
<LI>Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN!
<LI>Windows - a XT emulator for an AT
<LI>If Windows sucked it would be good for something
<LI>DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
<LI>DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
<LI>Windows Multitasking - screwing up several things at once
<LI>Windows found - remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K
<LI>Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time!
<LI>If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse!
<LI>Microsoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
<LI>Are you using Windows or is that just an XT?
<LI>Have you crashed your Windows today?
<LI>Relax... you are entering a windows free zone
<LI>OS/2... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
<LI>New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
<LI>New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
<LI>My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
<LI>If Windows 95 doesn't start shipping soon, it might be Curtains 95.
<LI>Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile!
<LI>I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
<LI>I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
<LI>I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
<LI>Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows...
<LI>Exhibitionists love Windows
<LI>Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven!
<LI>Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
<LI>Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
<LI>A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
<LI>Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
<LI>Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
<LI>Time on your hands? Get Windows!
<LI>Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95
<LI>What's the best of Windows95? The deinstaller!
<LI>Why is the Pentium 166 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if Windows crashed again.
<LI>What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? - One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs,
the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
<LI>How many Windows PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, as long as you explain it's Plug'n'Play... they get
confused if it doesn't come with a driver disk...
<LI>How do Microsoft employees exchange a bulb? Not at all...
Bill Gates declares darkness as a standard.
<LI>Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
<LI>Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!
<LI>Mouse not present - click twice to continue...
<LI>Who the §§§§ is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk?
<LI>What's the difference between windows '95 and highly destructive unstoppable virus? About 90 Megs of hard disk space.
<LI>Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
<LI>I've got two Windows hardware emulators! Really! They works much more reliable than the original: one for Windows 3.11, one for Windows95.<BR>
Unfortunately they have superscriped the emulator keys wrongly, so that on the Windows 3.11 emulator key "TURBO" and on the Windows 95 emulator is written "RESET"...
But doesn't matter, works great.
<LI>Windows, it's not pretty, it's not ugly, but it's pretty ugly.
</OL>
To be continued...<BR CLEAR="all">
-
JBell :ROTF:
this one is a classic;
Code:
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
{
disable_cache();
}
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* Printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
Printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
:D
-
Essential New Words for 2003 editions for the work-place vocabulary.
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"-needless paperwork and processes.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies. Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING. Surreptitiously breaking wind while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; can lead to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
-
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those ... $%$#@ damn payments!
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house,
and when she got there,
I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over
to your
mothers house and tell her that this is the last damn check
she's ever
going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her
face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the biatch had to say and what she
looked like.
As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she
have to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
-
§§§§ HAPPENS!
Taoism: §§§§ happens
Confucianism: Confucius says, "§§§§ happens"
Buddhism: If §§§§ happens, it isn't really §§§§
Zen: what is the sound of §§§§ happening?
Hinduism: This §§§§ has happened before
Islam: If §§§§ happens, it is the will of Allah
Protestantism: Let the §§§§ happen to someone else
Catholicism: If §§§§ happens, you deserve it
Judaism: Why does §§§§ always happen to us?
Sufism: The wise man never notices §§§§ happening
Christian Science: If §§§§ happens, pretend it doesn't really exist
Solipsism: §§§§ happens because I wish it
Mysticism: Just experience §§§§ while it is happening
Asceticism: If §§§§ happens, renounce it
Agnosticism: Nobody knows why §§§§ happens
Gnosticism: I know why §§§§ happens but won't tell you
Atheism: §§§§ happens and that's all there is to it
Cartesianism: §§§§ happens to me, therefore I exist
Platonism: There is ideal §§§§ happening somewhere
Stoicism: I don't care if §§§§ happens
Epicureanism: Let's have a good time while §§§§ doesn't happen
Cynicism: Of course §§§§ happens
Occultism: §§§§ materialises other planes of existence
Terrorism: §§§§ will happen unless you do as I say
Polyannaism: It's so nice that §§§§ happens
Puritanism: S*** can happen all day so long as you don't call it that
Behaviourism: You are conditioned to having §§§§ happen
Freudianism: If §§§§ happens, it's your mother's fault
Parapsychology: §§§§ happens without material causes
Surrealism: Purple §§§§ happens near melting clocks
Cubism: If §§§§ happens, you won't recognise it
Cultural relativism: §§§§ happens elsewhere differently
Optimism: If §§§§ happens, we'll find a way to use it
Pessimism: If §§§§ happens, there won't be enough for everyone
Tabloid sensationalism: Green §§§§ from Mars happens to Elvis clone
Biblical Creationism: §§§§ happens because G-d created it
Secular Humanism: §§§§ happens because it evolved from primitive §§§§
Scientific Reductionism: If §§§§ happens, find out what kind it is precisely
Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases
Bureaucracy: I don't care if §§§§ happens as long as you fill out the forms
Feminism: Women demand to have §§§§ happen
Ecologism: If organic §§§§ happens, it's OK
Capitalism: Let's profit from §§§§ happening
Socialism: If §§§§ happens, let's distribute it equally
Patriotism: Our §§§§ is better than your §§§§
Conservatism: They don't make §§§§ happen like they used to
Liberalism: §§§§ shouldn't happen tomorrow
Classical Physics: §§§§ does not 'happen', it moves around
Quantum Physics 1: §§§§ happens but you can't say both where and when
Quantum Physics 2: §§§§ happens in discrete quanta called §§§§ons
Holistic Physics: If §§§§ happens, it happens elsewhere at once
Microcomputing: If §§§§ happens, we'll fix it in the next version
Computer Science: All §§§§ can in principle happen on a Turing Machine
Applied Mathematics: The probability of §§§§ happening approaches unity
Engineering: When §§§§ happens, paint over it
Medicine: If §§§§ happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning
Economics: §§§§ happens because there is a great demand for it
Politics: If §§§§ happens, make a deal with it
Diplomacy: Let's pretend that §§§§ does not happen
Historicism: All the §§§§ that has happened happened so that there should be §§§§
Panglossianism: §§§§ happens and it's always for the best that it happens
Marxism: It is a historical inevitability that §§§§ should happen, but afterwards it
will wither away
Pantheism: §§§§ happens in everything and in everything there is §§§§
Orthodoxy: Only the §§§§ that has happened is real §§§§
Jungianism: §§§§ is the archetype of happening
Functionalism: The happening of §§§§ was caused by the need for §§§§ to happen
Rational Choice Theory: §§§§ happens because it maximises utility at minimum cost.
Bounded rationality theory: §§§§ happens because it enables us to cope with our
cognitive limits.
Political culture theory: §§§§ happens because of underlying value structures that can
be traced back to Tsarism/the Habsburgs/Mongols.
Structuralism: Merde se passe parce que.... (unintelligble)
-
Politically correct office terminology:
Old Phrase: No f*cking way.
Preferred New Phrase: I'm certain that's not feasible.
Old Phrase: You've got to be sh*tting me.
Preferred New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a f*ck.
Preferred New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...
Old Phrase: It's not my f*cking problem.
Preferred New Phrase: I wasn't involved in that project.
Old Phrase: What the f*ck?
Preferred New Phrase: Interesting.
Old Phrase: F*ck it, it won't work.
Preferred New Phrase: I'm not sure how I can implement this.
Old Phrase: Why the f*ck didn't you say that before?
Preferred New Phrase: I'll try to schedule that.
Old Phrase: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
Preferred New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: Who the f*ck cares?
Preferred New Phrase: I'm not sure this is a problem.
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t!
Preferred New Phrase: You don't say.
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t and die!
Preferred New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat sh*t and die motherf*cker!
Preferred New Phrase: Excuse me Sir?
Old Phrase: What the f*ck do they want from my life?
Preferred New Phrase: They weren't happy with it?
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass!
Preferred New Phrase: So you'd like my help with it?
Old Phrase: F*ck it, I'm on salary.
Preferred New Phrase: I don't think you understand.
Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
Preferred New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you the boss?
Preferred New Phrase: You want me to take care of this?
Old Phrase: I really don't give a sh*t.
Preferred New Phrase: I don't think that will be a problem.
Old Phrase: He's a f*cking :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:.
Preferred New Phrase: He's a little insensitive.
Old Phrase: She's a ball breaking §§§§§.
Preferred New Phrase: She's an aggressive go getter.
Old Phrase: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing!
Preferred New Phrase: I think you could use more training.
Old Phrase: This place is all f*cked up.
Preferred New Phrase: We're a little disorganised.
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NASA...
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
This is for my...
4 men gather on the top of a 30-story building, an East Indian, a Jamaican, an American Indian and a White Man.
The East Indian guy says "This is for my people!" and he jumps off.
The Jamaican says "This is for my people!" and jumps off.
The American Indian says "This is for my people" and pushes the White man off.
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Blonde horseback rider
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops
along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throws
herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...............
Earl, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. So from now on please call them "little sheet heads". Thank you for your support
