Xtreme Contests

Oh and one more for a while. If i can't use this pm me :)
The Inventor

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

THE ALL TIME, BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER






Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,

to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!


Dear Mr. Baker:

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have
an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their
talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is

"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list," which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase
them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have
never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that
those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of
a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I
hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of
your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what
you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. “What’s your name?”

“My name is Ting”

In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. “And what’s your name?”

“My name is Ting”

“Oh yeah”, said the sergeant suspiciously. “How come we’ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?”

“He is Ru Ting, I am Wah-Ting."

Okay im out for tonight. Expect more tommorow night, muahahahahahahahahahhaah.

I won't win but laughter is the cure for everything.

I do eat a lot of beans...makes me thinking about it....


"Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party."

This is hilarious cause its actually real,

So a few years back, a bunch of my friends, my cousin and I, all went to Las vegas, our night away from our girlfriends back home. Well were out partying, bar hopping and all, and we run into this group of HOT a** chicks, but theres a catch theres on *FAT* girl with a missing tooth. So i ask my cousin George, to "take one for the team", hes so drunk he agrees. We go back to the room, were all drinking some more, play a game of strip poker, next thing you know one thing is leading to another, the whole group of us. Well we each get a girl and finish doing our "business" and were all passed out, when I hear a noise coming from the floor to my right, i look over and its my cousin George porking this fat chick doggystyle, and I mean HES REALLY going at it. I luagh to myself and pass out again. We we all start to wake up a few HOURS later, hes still there jabbing away.

So were on our drive back home to Cailfornia, and were talking about what happened, and George blurts out, " yah I porked that fat chick all night, AAANNND I didnt even wear a rubber, and i went inside her about 5 times"... there is a looooong silence.

Well to update this story, the fat chick got a hold of George about oooooh 10 months later, with his new fat kid.

heres another totally hilarious thing that happened recently,

I bought a MAC.

kk heres a real joke...



So this guy wakes up early on his Birthday morning, and is checking to see ifhis wife has anything for him, sadly ... she is still asleep. SO he gets ready for work, every now and then, giving his wife a "curious look". But still nothing, so he heads downstairs , eats his breakfast, and waits to see if his kids didi anything for his birthday. They come into the kitchen, and still nothing. So he heads to work all pissed off, mad that his own family didnt even say happy birthday.

He gets into his office and his beautiful secretary says" happy birthday boss!", which excites him to hear it from her. SHe goes on to say " Im taking you out for lunch today, for your birthday", Hes all excited , hes gonna goto lunch with his sexy secretary. Lunchtime comes and they hop into her car, and have a nice lunch at a classy resturaunt. On the way back to the office she says let me stop by my home to grab something. As they pull up to her house, she says, " why dont you come in for a second". Now hes getting even more excited. As he goes in she tells him to sit on the couch and get comfortable, while she slips into something more "relaxing". She walks away upstairs, and immediately the guy starts taking off his shirt, his pants, his underwear, and crosses his legs trying to look sexy for her. She comes back downstairs and says " Happy Birthday"... as shes followed....



by his wife...

and his son...

and his daughter....

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a Mexican, a white guy, and a black guy.
So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done.
Then he says to the black guy. "What do you want?" And the black guy says "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa.
so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

A wife and husband are driving down a desert road, when he tells, her , " i can't stand you so much, thats why Ive been f**king your sister!!!, Enraged she grabs a knife from her purse and cuts his penis off and tosses it out the window. It lands SPLAT!! on the windshield of a truck with a Father and 5 year old daughter in it, panicking, he turns on the windshield wipers and whap whap whap, and it falls off the windshield. "Daddy!" what in the world was that!??..the 5 year old girl screams... Not wanting to scare his daughter , he says "ummm why that was just a Desert bug". The little girl says "oh..........well it sure had a big :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:!"

Edited by Kazoo, no personal attacks.

TRUE STORY!!!!!!!

alright, my family and i were invited on a fishing trip with another family who had recently got a new fishing boat. As the day drug on and we had only caught a few fish, the owner of the boat gets a bite and the line takes off.... all of us kids were eager to see what he was reeling in and looked in awe as his pole almost snapped in half. as it got closer, we got a glipse of it. It was a Northern Pike. Since they have very sharp teeth he quick flipped it in the boat. All the kids gathered arround it while it flopped arround. The owner of the boat yelled "look out, it bites!" and we all backed way up. My brother got the living crap scared out of him and he went back so fast he went over the side of the boat. So the fish was in the boat, my brother was overboard and everyone was getting away from this pissed off pike. we fish my brother out of the water (still scared :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:less) and went calmly back to fishing. A few moments pass and we notice this bobber is going nuts. We all cant figure out from what pole its from. We move the boat over because its just a random bobber and we pick it up. As we pick it up theres a line attached. we started to pull the line closer and up came a fishing rod. Yes, the one my brother was holding as he went overboard, but there was something tugging on the other end. We gave the rod to my brother and had him start reeling it in. How ironic, it was another pike, he threw the rod over to my dad and ran to the other side of the boat.

thats my story

So its a hot day out, and this pinguin is driving down the road when he realizes his oil lite is on. So he pulls off to a nearby town and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll take him about 30 min to figure out what is wrong, so the penguin realizes its a really hot day and went to go find some ice cream. So he orders a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and since he can't grip a spoon and all he has is flippers, he starts scoopin it into his mouth. He finishes the ice cream and he's all stickey from it, and its all over his flippers and face. He walks back to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "no, actually its just ice cream"..........

Heres my story.

I was helping my old manageress move home from Lincoln to Harrogate where she managed the bar I used to work at.

All was going fine, we got there early got everything done ready to head back so we sat outside, it was a warm day, drank some cola and had a sandwich, at this point we noticed alot of wasps swarming around us.

I hate the little buggers so I slung my cola can in the corner hoping the sugary goodness would attract them away, much to my dismay, this corner was hiding the ENTIRE nest of the little blighters which was partially hidden by a small tree.

We ran in the house as they swarmed all over and then after much deliberation I tucked my trousers into my boots, put my arms in my sleeves rolled up my polo neck over my face and made a run for it.

BIG MISTAKE, as I was running a couple of them landed on my trousers, one made it way upto my crotch and thought it would be funny to sting me TWICE in the left Testicle thru my trousers as he got caught in the crease.

I screamed and hobbled to the car and got in to check my manhood only to discover I had what looked like an extra one down there.

We drove a long painful ride home and I went to the doctors where the nurse checked me out and I could see she was trying to stifle her giggles as I told her the story.

it stayed for a few days and everyone at work found it funny to call me threeball for the coming months.

I laugh now but at the time it hurt like mad.

a joke:

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did".

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

definition of ambition: a fly crawling up an elephant's ass with rape on his mind.
---
what do elephants use for tampons? sheep.

why do elephants have trunks? sheep don't have strings.
---

--slly

There is a new priest and it is his first time doing confession. One woman came in and said, "Bless me father for I have lied." Not knowing what to give her, he opens the confessional door and asks the old priest to which he said, "Give her 5 hail marys." And so he did

The next woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have stole." Once again he has to ask the old priest in which he replies, "Give her 5 Our fathers."

The last woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have given a blowjob." Still not knowing what punishment to give, he goes to ask the older priest but he is no longer there. So he asks an alter boy, "What does father give for a blowjob?"

And so the alter boy replied, "Two snickers and a cherry coke."

--slly

what's the bad part about eating vegetables?
.
..
...
putting them back in their wheelchairs. :D

--slly

Q: How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?

A: Put a spear through it's head.

q: why dont you see a lot of guys chasin after 80 yr old p:banana: :banana:sy?
a: ever taken a grilled cheese sandwich apart? ;)

--slly

Q: Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: From the mace.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.

Last week my boss's computer was acting up. He told me "They should make it so the users can reinstall the software". I told him i could give him an etch-a-sketch. Flip it over shake a little and it's a brand new install.

check it out peepz:

police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
_________________________
:banana: :banana: :banana:
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An English girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked?
'The one I asked for -- the English girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said, 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl'

:banana: :banana: :banana:
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Upon reaching his front door, he attempted to stand up to go in. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!'
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,'What makes you say that, me darlin'?' 'The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.'
:banana: :banana: :banana:
next joke: one i needed to translate from dutch to english:

There is this guy, who is survivor from a cruise that sunk in the ocean. He makes it to an island. He thinks that the island is really cute and desides to explore it (he has nothing to do anyway, has he :p: ). After a while he sees a woman who "flushed" onto the shore, lying unconscious, he gives her breath and after a while, he brings her back to consciousness.
Suddenly he sees the women is Kylie Minogue!
Kylie is very gratefull to the guy for saving her life, so he says that she will do what he want (;) heh heh).

This goes well for a while ( :banana: ), but after a few weeks Kylie notices the guy has become sad. So she goes to him to ask if she could help him.

He asks her to do him a favor, he says "here, put on my clothes". She thinks its awkard, but does it anyway, then he asks her to draw a mustache and a beard on her. Now she thinks its really awkward, but she does it anyway (after all, she has already done a lot more then that, right :smileysex ). Then he says if she would run around the island in one direction, and he would do the other direction, so they would meet up at the other side.

Ok, they do that...
After an hour or so the guy runs up to her and says:
"Hey dude! You know with who I've been :banana: :banana: lately?

cheers mate :toast:
that the best one may win ;)

One day i was watching :banana::banana::banana::banana: on my computer with my headphones on. I finished up and took the headphones off only to find the sound was playing through my regular speakers as well... then my mom told me to turn it down. :owned: :dammit:

How can you rell if a politician is lying??






Their lips are moving !!! :rolleyes:

Element: Woman
Symbol: WM
Finder: Adam
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 50 kg, but is known that it varies of 45 the 92 kg.
Occurrence: Exceeding amount in all the urban area.

COMPOSITION
10% Chests
10% Thighs
10% Ass
40% Vacant Thoughts
30% Clothes

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface generally re-covered by covering colored.
2. It boils for nothing, congeals without reason.
3. It melts if submitted the adequate treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.:D
5. High danger if handled by awkward hands.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. It possesss precious affinity with gold, silver, platinum and rocks.
2. Capable to absorb great amounts of expensive substances (clothes, suppers, houses, cars, etc..).
3. It can blow up without reasons.
4. Extremely lousy when found in group.
5. Insoluble in liquids, but with activity increased for saturation in alcohol.
6. It yields the applied pressure when in correct points.

GENERAL UTILITIES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in cars sport, yachts and swimming pools.
2. She is the most powerful reducing money agent that if knows.
3. It can be of great aid for relaxation.
4. Many times, when used correctly, can wash, cook, pass and search slipper and periodical for the owner of the house.
5, Ideal to raise depressed spirits, as well as depressing high spirits.

What IT LACKS IN ITS STRUCTURE:banana:
1, Button of ON/OFF.
2, Button of volume.
3, Remote Control.