Xtreme Contests [Archive] - XtremeSystems Forums

dobbz

04-05-2004, 10:34 PM

here's a dumb ass, uninteresting story about what i did a few weekends ago. hope you LAFF YER ASSES OFF THO heh.

i was out drinkin at the bars with a couple of my bros. we were slammin Heaven Hills one after the other, and by 1:00AM i'm trashed as hell and pissin like a racehorse, but im still feelin aWEsOME and cool like usual HHeh.

theres this seriously cute chick ive seen at this place Grinder's a couple times- so cute, pretty much nothing about her i can scrutinize at all, and shes just got this thing about her that makes you know you shes a really nice girl before you even talk to her. id marry her. after i do another shot i catch her lookin at me at the bar and she's smilin, i think cause i let out this drunk ass roar after i knocked it back. a couple minutes later she goes outside by herself with yer jacket and her purse and i figure she's leaving. so i go outside to follow her cause im smeared as sht and think its OK to run after a chick ive never talked to as she's about to go home just to hit on her (omg im drunk).

so i walk out the door and shes just standin there pullin out a cigarette and im thinkin kewl she's not leavin quite yet. ill throw some lines at her and tell her im havin people over later. im like "hey wutsup" and she smiles again and says hey. i pull out my lighter and im about to light her cig but i drop the lighter. not too slick but whatever.

so i pick it up and im reaching out to light her cig and as im raising my arm up i miss badly and kinda punch her in the tit haha. i said sorry and she just giggled and said it was ok (kewwwl). now im tryin again and i get the lighter up there to light it. she leans over and puts her hand on mine all flirty like, but i guess i kinda wobbled forward cause i defintely put the lighter right into her face and she jerked back with her hand on her cheek since i just burned her, and she kinda pulls on a strand of hair, so i guess i set a little of that on fkn fire too. goddammit im a dumbass.

now she gets out her own cigarette lighter, so im a little bit shook at this point and wondering if ive blown it. keep in mind this has all taken place in less than a minute and all ive said to her is "wutsup". god. anyway, i get out a cig for myself.

now its really dark out and for some reason they turned out most of the lights out front. and you know when youre sittin in the dark at a campfire or something and all you can see is the fire and the people sittin around it cause the light just blacks out all the surroundings? well im just-about-to-barf drunk and obviously dizzy as hell and im lightin my cig. the next thing i know i hit the ground and im on my back... w t F???

here's what happened: when i put the lighter up near my face, it became the only thing visible to me at all, and im so drunk i dont notice that im beginning to lean back and fall flat on my ass. picture it: some guy lightin a cig and he just falls backwards with his hands in the cigarette-lighting position all the way down.

so im gettin up and she's laffin at me, and says "OK, nice meeting you." she stomps out a whole cigarette and goes back inside. fffffckkKJkjsdf.

here i was so stupid drunk im wOOpin like a fratboy.. and she thinks its cute. i follow her outside probably seeming a bit desperate and definately bein uncool.. no prob, shes smling. i punch her in the tit.. and she laffs, its ok. im pullin all this dumb dumb sht and she likes me enough to stick around and still flirt! i had it! but i just gotta keep bein a dumbass and blow it in under 60 seconds. pfft go me.

but at least i got piece of her tit hAW.

Kenjo

04-05-2004, 11:39 PM

I have an excellent story, just happy it wasnt me that did this..

My best friend Karl was out partying hard and long and not really looking for a girl so the drinks were big enough to knock over an elephant, but then he saw this chick with the right kinda jugs an hips.. so he went for it.. and sure enough he got her home. so they started out their lovemaking session but when she got ontop of her the fun part began.. my friend Passed OUT.. dunno how u can do that but he Passed out during the actually act.. the next day when he woke up she was gone and when he went to brush his teeth he stared into the mirror and was shocked.. he had a nice big black eye..

What a nice nite he must have had :)

interman

04-05-2004, 11:42 PM

here's my entry

What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?

A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.

DeadPlasmaCell

04-05-2004, 11:43 PM

This doesn't really have to do with PCs.. but when i was in high school a while back, We had a Bomb threat and we all had to evacuate to the football field and stand in the stands, it was really cold and the stands were aluminum and were frosted over, Me and my friend were out there along with the whole school and we're around the middle section half way up as well.. So we're just talking and goofing around and then they tell us we can go in, so we're stepping down and my friend looses his footing and falls to his knees so i, jokingly, lightly pushed him and he lost his balance and tumbled down the stands about 10 steps all i hear is "Ooooh sh*********!!!".. and apparently he had a bad case of Diareha cuz he got up and there was crap running down his legs and everywhere else, it was pretty bad.. so everyone is laughing at him and he takes off running toward the school and once he gets on the football field he trips and busts his ass again..and takes off.. FIN

CHiN0

04-05-2004, 11:47 PM

Sorry if it's not the appropriate language but I'm sure a lot of you have heard this one already, I edited some of it and I can edit more if needed:

This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the Bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you Three- Hundred dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The Bartender says.. now one more time this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Your trying to tell me you're gonna bet me Three-Hundred dollars that YOU can piss standing over here waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The Bartender says, "Young man you gotta bet!" The guy says, "O.K. here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks glass, he's thinking of the glass, think glass, thinking about his d*ck. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. Be the glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. And then 'SWOOOSH' . He let's it rip! And he's ..he's pissin' all over the place, man! He's pissin' on the bar.. he's pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone.. on the Bartender.. He's pissing Everywhere EXCEPT the f***ing glass!! Right. O.K. So, Bartender, He's laughing his f***ing ass off, he's Three-Hundred dollars richer. He's like, "Ha Ha Ha Ha." Piss drippin' off his face. "Ha Ha Ha Ha" He says, "You F***N' idiot, man. You pissed on everything EXCEPT the glass!! You owe me Three-Hundred dollars punta." And he goes, "Excuse me, just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them... Comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go Mr. Bartender, three hundred dollars." And the Bartenders like, "WHAT the f*ck are you so happy about, you just lost Three-Hundred dollars you idiot?!" The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there. I just bet them Five-Hundred dollars a PIECE, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on YOU, and not only would you be not mad about it...... you'd be happy..."

kaasie

04-05-2004, 11:50 PM

American History Class Mark as unread

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

:D

Kenjo

04-05-2004, 11:52 PM

Got one more.. the same guy (Karl) and a chick that i know really well..

a couple of years back we both worked as bartenders at this local pub (wich is now closed), everything was excellent.. free booze and loads of hot chicks, just like being in heaven.. Me an my friend had a bet going .. to see wich one of us that could get a chick home with this little catch frase "You wanna go home an have sex", so about 2 weeks after we started this little bet i meet this chick (marie) and ofcourse i used the line and waaabang we went home... a couple nites later i used it again on the same chick and yep we went back home and wabang, by now u guys wondering what the point of this story is, well im about to tell you :D .. So my friend (Karl) got a bit upset that i scored twice so he thought ah well mightaswell try the line out.. so a week later when i was off work he gave it his best shot.. but what he didnt know was that the girl he tried it on was marie, and ofcourse she went back home to his place with him to sleep cause she missed her last buss home, now your thinking how i know this well just read on.. now when in the apartment Karl was still eager to get some action but how hard he tried she didnt give him some.. so finally he resorted to the last possible thing he could think of.. he went down on his KNEES and said " I love you" , marie just looked at him and said "NO"..

Now how do i know this for a fact.. that dumbass told me the story .. now it would have been one thing if it was marie but it wasnt her that told me the story it was Karl..

I would never have admitted to such a thing.. I still make fun of him whenever were out partying :D

Ps. The names in this story are not the real ones as it might be offending for these people. Ds

jackyl

04-06-2004, 12:00 AM

This guy pulls up to a stop light in a green mistubhishi eclipse. It has alot of work done to it and alot of power adding stickers and a huge "doesn't do a damn thing" wing on the back and the bof is just chirping when he lets off the throttle after he revs it up to impress the guy next to him at the stop and go lights. The guy right next to him is in a ferrari 355 spider bone stock italian coolage package. Regardless of the fact that the guy in the ferrari reved up his engine first and said "I bought this car with the money from my companies IPO"

They both give each other the "wanna race that pos or did you forget how to drive" look

Then the light turns green and they both slide through gears without even the usage of a clutch. and with a few action shots of both cars weaving in and out of traffic the eclipse beats the ferrari with about a 12 car lenth lead.

The punch line is: The usage of a blue screen can make even an ordianary sticker powerd car beat a ferrari!

Come on :D damn it :D

charlie

04-06-2004, 12:02 AM

Awww...man!!!!
And I guess moderators are dis-allowed :rolleyes:
This is gonna be fun, though...

C

adamginz15

04-06-2004, 12:19 AM

Ok,
A man goes to the doctor and says to him :" i got a serious problem i have 2 balls but one is huge and second one is normal".
so the doctor asks from the man to show him his balls so he says i will show them to you in one condition. that you want laugh, ok so the doctor agreed. so the man is taking out his first ball out and the doctor started laughing like c-r-a-z-y so then the man says to the doctor. now i want show you the big one.

RestyleD-

04-06-2004, 12:22 AM

Hope you can laugh...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

RestyleD-

T07N

04-06-2004, 12:27 AM

Ok this is a true story, seriously.

A friend of mine just went to juvy last month, and he just got out. I was excited to see him and we talked for awhile. I asked him if he had any funny stories to tell in there.

He told me about this one kid who went in there for something very stupid.

Ok the guy was trying to jack the school's computer so he broke into the school with the pair of keys he stole from the janitor.

After he got the keys that day, he broke into the building at night and tried to jack the MACS but he soon found out they were like welded into the table. LOL

So for some reason he surf the net for :banana::banana::banana::banana: then starting jacking off. Someone somehow reported him and the cops came, they found him whacking off in front of the computer screen. Poor guy stood up with his pants down and hands up cause the cops told him to or else they'll shoot. So the guy popped a boner in front of like 4 cops LOL!!!

It was written on his permenent record. LOL!!! I guess he was "jacking" the wrong thing in there lol.

True story, I'm not lying.

FlyingHamster

04-06-2004, 12:29 AM

lol TDF, the Official World's Funniest Joke (http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/) :D ;)

anyways heres a funny one:

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

:shrug: :bananal: :ROTF:

BmxAnt

04-06-2004, 12:30 AM

Whats cool,Fast and LOUD as a mofo?

Vantec tornado
:eek:

Dieter@be

04-06-2004, 12:43 AM

Ok, I'll translate this kick-ass story from dutch to english:

There is this guy (lets call him Jeff), wandering off outside, suddenly he sees a rope hanging in front of him. He looks up, and the rope comes from reaaaly high, he can't see the end of the rope. So he decides to climb it (being so curious).

After a lot of climbing, he finds himself being in heaven. Where St. Pieter sees Jeff and says "Hey Jeff! What the ** are you doing here? Your time hasnt come yet!". Yeah says Jeff, and he explains the rope-thing.
He also asks if he can look around a bit in heaven, now he's there anyway. "Ok", says St. Pieter " but you have to be back before 2PM because i'm going to remove the rope and you won't be able to go down again" Jeff agrees and starts wandering around in heaven. Everything is sooo great there, and so he forgets the time. When its 3 PM he runs back to St Pieter in panic, and yes...it's too late, the rope is already gone.

"But I really need to get down to earth again" says Jeff "to my family, my work, etc etc"

St Pieter proposes this solution: he will change Jeff into a spider so he can make his own rope to descend, and when he's on the ground, he will be changed back into a human. Jeff agrees.

So he starts descending , being a spider, all the way down, making his own "rope". But about 30m above surface he has no more rope, so he really does his best to push a little more out of it, but it's still nog enough, so he pushes even harder to make as much rope as possible.

Then his wife wakes him up: "Jeff! wake up! You're sh*tting under the whole bed!"

lostark374

04-06-2004, 01:01 AM

what did the woman say to micheal jackson while lying on the beach?

umm i dunno:

"would you mind getting out of my sun"

Detract

04-06-2004, 01:20 AM

A high flying Auckland lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canterbury. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the southern hemisphere, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canterbury. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mertens Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Mertens Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Jaffa. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his silk suit jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

and

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to
Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and
the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

and

Cader

04-06-2004, 01:22 AM

some jokes from gold old germany, first I've to say, that the European Pegi is here USK, so I don't know, if it makes sense for you

pegi 12+ means: the hero gets the girl
pegi 16+ means: the rogue (?) gets the girl
pegi 18+ means: everyone gets the girl
:D

------------------------------------------

There's a trucker, who sings all the time:,,I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck , when I want to." After a longer time his tank is empty and he has to stop at a gas station.
There is waiting a nun. she speaks with him: "Can you take me with you?"
Then he: "Only when I can take you!"
"yes OK, but only anal, otherwise I offence against the chruch, ok?."
They go into the Truck and f*ck ^^. Afterwards: "I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck, when I want to!!!"
Then the nun: "And I'm the gay John and like to dress like a nun!!"

and some more:

What's the difference between a cowtail and a tie?

the cowtail covers the hole as*hole

-----------------------------------------------------

Why have women to be more cute than smart? because men cann better see than think

-----------------------------------

last but not least:

15 % of the men think their penis is too small
the other 85% believe that the ruler (?) is faulty

Xcuse my XTREME bad english:(

olv

04-06-2004, 01:52 AM

OK here goes...

A man walks into a bar and the bartender's dog is sat on the floor licking his balls. The man goes over to the bartender and says "You see your dog? I wish I could do that." And the bartender says "Give him a bone and he might let you."

ha ha!

SSV

04-06-2004, 02:14 AM

:toast:

Two hillbillys, Bubba and Billy, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Billy, said, "Lookey thar up
ahead, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Billy," Bubba said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and
throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Bubba.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Bubba said. "We're on the patch."

:with:

rundymc

04-06-2004, 02:14 AM

Here's mine:-

What is the definition of pain?
...............................
...............................
...............................

A fly, sliding down a razor blade

using its balls for brakes

:banana:

This is a true story:-
I was on this small commercial flight to Malaysia recently to see a friend. The trip was made on a budget airliner, so obviously it was dead small.
At some point during the journey, I really had to piss, so I got up, went to the toilet, and was met with a line of like, 20 people
Finally my turn came, and low and behold- the toilet seat was TINY, I mean a hobbit would feel comfortable there instead of falling in and have the next guy flush him down.
I'm a big guy (well down there as well, but that's not what I meant) so this was a dilemma- I couldn't stand over the seat to do my business, cos that would mean decorating the facilities with my urine- I couldn't sit either, cos the walls were to narrow to spread my legs
so I figured up a quick way of doing my business stably, without missing the seat
In the small room, I took down my pants and underwear, lifted my self up with the help of the sink, and held myself in the air by pressing my knees tightly against the walls of the toilet and holding on to some grooves in the ceiling for a little support- guess what- it worked
so I released one hand to hold my (you know), and proceeded to take a piss
there I was, a guy with a big arse, hairy thighs, in mid-air, hold his d*ck, with a stream of yellow coloured water coming from between his thighs

one problem..................I didn't close the door

I think the people outside (plus a couple of really hot stewardesses) got an even better view of my arse when the plane hit a little turbulence and I flew head first into the toilet seat :slobber: :banana:

STEvil

04-06-2004, 02:21 AM

I ate Safeway Select Canned WET dog food for a casewrap at a lan party.. :slobber:

Does that count for anything? ;)

TechTones

04-06-2004, 02:33 AM

4 men are playing golf one fine afternoon.
1 leaves to get some refreshments for the group.
The other 3 start talking about their sons.

The first one says, "Well, my son is making out great" he tells the others. He's a top broker and works for the biggest brokerage house on Wall Street. In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone a free $250K portfolio of stocks as a present. Look how good he's doing. I'm proud of my boy".......

The second one says, "So, your boy is doing good, but mine is doing better. He owns 10 high end sports car automobile dealerships across the country", "He got the top award in his field". In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone two free
cars, a Porche and a Bentley. Imagine giving 2 expensive sports cars as a present. You have to be on top of the world. I'm so, so proud of my boy...

The third father says, "I have all of your boys beaten" say the father. "My son owns the most profitable construction company in the whole country. He builds houses for the well to do. Most start at 2 million" he says. These houses are like sticks of gum to him he's doing so good. In fact, he just gave someone a $4 Million home as present for his lover. If he can give away $4 million, imagine how great he's doing" says the father with a gleam of pride in his eyes..

Finally, the 4th father returns. The other 3 fathers know his son is not doing too well, but they ask about him anyway. "So how's your son doing Ed?

"Well" the 4th father says, "my son is gay and is now a Go Go dancer in a club downtown". The other 3 fathers look at each other with a smile mocking the man.

"But, says the 4th father, "even though he's only a Go Go dancer, I'm proud of the friends he chooses in life. In fact, guys like him so much one gave him $250K in stocks, the other 2 free sports cars and one guy loves him so much he gave him a $4 million house...:D

Evil_Spork

04-06-2004, 03:07 AM

entry:

So a baby seal walks into a club...

/entry

SAE

04-06-2004, 03:22 AM

True story told by my electronics professor:

There was a man waking up in the morning and wanting to get off the bed. Putting his naked
left foot on the floor he noticed, there must be something wrong.

There was a :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:ling feeling, like there was electicity all over the floor...

:idea: He called his neighbor (fortunately phone was next to the bed) to come over and see what's wrong there...

The neighbor said 'okay', he's gonna come and see.

So the man was waiting, laying in bed... 30minutes passing... nobody arrived yet.

:confused: Then he called back to the neighbor's and got his wife come over to see, if everything's fine and
where her husband is.

After another 45minutes of restless waiting the man finally called the fire brigade.
They found both the neighbors laying on the ground, dead!!! :eek:

The floor was flood with water, and the was electricity everywhere because of that...

The error the man made had been found really quick. Obviously he hammered nails (for framed pictures) into the walls
directly where the pipes/cables for 230V-power plug socket went along (behind the wall).

Really weird, huh??? ;)

Dominos

04-06-2004, 03:47 AM

"Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don't care, me don't cry, me just happy cow can't fly!" :D

[QUOTE]Originally said by some stupid guy at my school
Once, when me and my friends were tuning my snowmobile, we tested to put some rocketfuel in the tank :D So we did and the engine got so much power that it blew the ignition system through the tank :D But we got it started later and it must have had atleast 400BHP couse it almost flew over the snow at 250km/h!

the second one is a true story, I mean there is a guy who said it, not that it actually happened ;) The snowmobile in question was an Lynx Enduro 440 thats about 10 years old, what I always wondered was how he got the ignition system to go through the tank? The gas tanks on the otherside of the engine! :rolleyes:

Camelot One

04-06-2004, 03:52 AM

Now that all of the legal issues have all been resolved, this is a funny story to me. (though it got ugly for awhile)
I build custom computers. I once had a client (son of a client actually) stop by my place to pick something up, and he saw my water cooled rig. He was very impressed, and being the rich brat he was, convinced daddy to buy him one.

He wanted it all, so I decked it out. AMD 2500+ with a 226W Pelt, hand made water cooler, etc. Beautiful system. 3 weeks after I delivered it, I get a call saying it was broken, and that I needed to replace it.

So I went to their home to do a quick once over, thinking maybe he had just knocked something loose. What I found was a giant hole in the ClearFlex tube coming off the water block, and the strong stench of WaterWetter on everything.

To make a long story short, the guy thought the fans in the cooler were too loud. (2 120mm Panaflo-H's on 7V) So he unplugged them. "All of a sudden the computer just kept shutting off. I got on my dad's and went to that site you told me about, and found this thing on turning off thermal protection, so I did that, and it booted up for a few minutes"

It booted because he left it off while he read the forums, thus the water cooled a bit. After turning off thermal protection in the bios, he tried gaming on it. It kept blue screening, but he just wouldn't give up. Just kept booting and rebooting, until all of a sudden the water got hot enough to blow a line, spraying the water heated by the pelt +CPU all over everything inside the case. Must be a warranty issue right? :)

fooforon

04-06-2004, 04:05 AM

Sorry about its length but, It's good and prefect place for this joke/story

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

Jamie

runmc

04-06-2004, 04:06 AM

WOW,

This contest is taking off like "CRAZY"

COOL!!!:cool:

Good Luck to everyone.:D

Teus

04-06-2004, 04:22 AM

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though itâ€™s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnâ€™t need but itâ€™s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical womanâ€™s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women arenâ€™t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnâ€™t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she wonâ€™t change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage ,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children...
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

SAE

04-06-2004, 04:44 AM

Bill Gates at McDonalds

Gates: I'd like to have a BigMac.
Salesman: A BigMac, a Coke. That's 6,90.
Gate: I only ordered a BigMac!
Salesman: The Coke belonged to it, is part of a total package.
Gates: What? I do not pay the Coke!
Salesman: You don't need to. The Cola is free.
Gate: But didn't the BigMac cost alone 3,90 so far?
Salesman: Right, but the BigMac has now new capability characteristics. It has a Coke in the scope of supply!
Gates: I just had a Coke a few minutes ago. I do not need another one now.
Salesman: Then you'll get no BigMac.
Gates: Okay, I pay 3,90 and do without the Coke.
Salesman: One cannot seperate the parts of the total package. BigMac and Coke are smoothly integrated.
Gates: Rubbish! BigMac and Coke are two different kinds.
Salesman: Wait. (he dips the BigMac into the cup of Coke.)
Gates: What's that?
Salesman: That's in the interest of the customer, then we can guarantee a uniform taste in all components.

Another one:

Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago ago I had my 45th birthday and felt not very well at all. I went down to have breakfast and knew that my wife would be very nice, she'd say "Happy birthday" and perhaps also had a small gift for me.

She did neither say "Good morning", nor even a "Happy birthday" at all. Okay, I said to myself, well, it's the women. But the children surely did not forget it... The children came, also not saying a word ignoring me completely.

When I put myself on the way to the office, I felt rather depressed. I went through the entry door of my office and Monica, my secretary, came to me saying: "Happy birthday, boss", and I felt a little better, at least one had remembered it.

I worked until noon. Punctually, Monica knocked on my door at 12 o'clock and meant: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, nevertheless let's have lunch together, only you and me!" I answered: "That's the best idea by far I heard today..." So we went. We did not go into our usual restaurant, we drove out of the town to the country to a small cosy restaurant in order to have little privatsphere. We drank two Wodka-Martini and enjoyed the outstanding meal.

On the way back to the office Monica said: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, we don't have to get back to the office yet, do we?" - "No, we don't", I said. "Well, then let's go to me, into my dwelling", suggested Monica.

When we arrived in her apartment, we drank some more Wodka-Martini and smoked a joint. Monica then said: "If it's okay for you, I would be glad to dress something more comfortable. I only have to go into the bedroom, I am back here immediately." I only could an excited more gasp an excited "Sure, do so, do so...!" and she disappeared in the bedroom. Some minutes later she came back again, carrying a birthday cake in her hands, followed from my wife, the children and all sang "Happy Birthday". And I sat there on the couch and wearing nothing except my socks ...

pythagoras

04-06-2004, 04:52 AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: â€œThat's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!â€ The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: â€œThe driver just insulted me!â€ The man says: â€œYou go right up there and tell him off â€“ go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.â€

teezer

04-06-2004, 05:03 AM

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."
"and just what do you do with a 6 foot :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:?" he asked
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:07 AM

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:10 AM

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

bogan

04-06-2004, 05:12 AM

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both go into kiddies rooms and unload their sacks.. :p:

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:13 AM

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

kristos

04-06-2004, 05:14 AM

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Whatâ€™s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants arenâ€™t

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.

Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.

What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.

How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.

Whatâ€™s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.

Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.

How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesnâ€™t, it gets down from a duck.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks

How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.

How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?

What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.

teezer

04-06-2004, 05:16 AM

Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the
house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as
I am?'...and, she's always sound asleep!"

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:16 AM

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

mrbios

04-06-2004, 05:20 AM

dog walked into a pound.....exchanged it for a dollar

ok yea that ones crap better one:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

:banana: :smileysex

true story:
once when i was younger i used to escape my small play area thing (was about 2-3 years old) and always used to run aound the house, but one day they door was open and i managed to get out........made it about half a mile away before any one realised i was on my own...........also after about quater of a mile i managed to become a nudiest and lose the nappy :D

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:21 AM

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:23 AM

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 05:28 AM

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck.

Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.

bogan

04-06-2004, 05:31 AM

A guy was driving through McDonalds drive thru, and when he got to the window he was told his order wasn't ready yet, and was instructed to park and his order would be brought out to him.
A fat McDonalds girl brings his order out to him and says-
"Sorry about the wait"
and he replies
"Don't worry, it's just your metabolism"

Endre

04-06-2004, 05:32 AM

A few short jokes...

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

EDIT: Or should I have one in each post? :confused:

bogan

04-06-2004, 05:43 AM

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

bogan

04-06-2004, 05:44 AM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

Cyrus104

04-06-2004, 06:05 AM

Here is a joke:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "Listen Sonny, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel."

yuri

04-06-2004, 06:11 AM

here is mine :)

#1 :p:

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there only for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing a parking ticket! So I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-di**ed Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a sh*t. My car was parked around the corner :p:

#2 :p:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?":p:

SAE

04-06-2004, 06:15 AM

The father comes home late in the night. There he is hearing a groaning from the room of his daughter. Procured he opens the door quietly and has to see, how she's masturbating with a banana. The other morning he lashes the banana to a cord and goes, pulling the banana behind himself, through the dwelling. When the daughter thereupon flushes, the mother asks, what that has to mean. Whereupon the father: "I am showing my son-in-law the dwelling...

Dynamo

04-06-2004, 06:32 AM

okay now the basis of this story is true... i take some liberties so that it is just easier to tell the story

I am 9 years old. I get a hampster for my birthday. It isn't my first pet but it is the first one I actually try to take care of. I was playing with him one day in my house and I let him out of the clear ball so he can just run around on the floor instead of in the ball. My dad calls me into the living room for something, and when I go back my hampster is gone! Oh no! So I go on a little safari through my house to find my hampster... but I cant find him. I tell my dad, and although he is angry he isn't like totally pissed, so he helps me put out some food on a plate so to attract my hampster to the food. A few days passed and no luck. Then on the fifth day my mother hears some *munch munch munch* behind the cabinet baseboard. She buts a little pencil mark where she hears it the loudest. So my dad goes to get a holesaw (a holesaw is a drill-bit that goes on a drill that when you pull the trigger on the drill it goes through wood in a circle) and she checks one more time for the munch sound. she draws an X where it is so my dad goes 10 inches to the right and says, "remember you told me to drill here." he put the drill there and goes through the base board. when he pulls it out there is hampster guts and bones and stuff ALL OVER the holesaw :lol and obviously the hampster was dead :(. Now that is KINDOF the funny part. *this party is ALL TRUE!*One night on the radio (maybe you have heard of Ron and Fez?) they have a skit and contest on "Who has the most greusome pet story?" I call in and tell this and I won! I won a weekend trip to a ski resort, but back to the contest, when I tell them the part where he goes through the hampster, they all scream UGH AHH etc. SO funny, and then when no one can beat my story they say "Congradulations Kyle, YOUR DAD DRILLED YOUR HAMPSTER!!!!!!!" */this part is ALL TRUE*

Conflict

04-06-2004, 06:41 AM

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

And this is by far the best joke i have ever heard and hopefully it isn;t considered offensive....Just funny representation of the times :D

Two Afghanistan buisnessmen are granted permission to bring their families and buisnesses to America shortly after the United States Military entered their country.

Upon entering the plane the two men decide to place bet on who would be more "American" in 1 year.

1 year later the younger of the two men shows up at the others door and waits for the man to answer. Upon him answering he states:

" I have for sure won the bet. I know Im more American, I own four stores now. My children are in public schools and look at my new Corvette"

The other man, wthout a smile on his face: " Get off my porch ya towelhead terrorist!!!!"

Reflex1

04-06-2004, 06:48 AM

Best joke ever!

An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Pakistan : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"

Indian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Pakistan, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India.

The Pakistani has a smirk on his face. The Indian listens in silence.

The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Indian : "Of Course."

Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put

all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India ."

The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"

Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.

Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."

Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.

[This is not meant to be racist ...just funny :banana: ]

Dapper

04-06-2004, 07:10 AM

Tax Time

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

novagamer

04-06-2004, 07:33 AM

Here's a decent one :) It's pretty long though!

Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
Author: Daniel Meyer

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.

The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

rundymc

04-06-2004, 07:39 AM

this isn't supposed to offensive to guys of african origin

There was this black guy- totally black, his clothes were black, his shoes, glasses, teeth, nails, palms, hair- when he walks in the middle of a road with no street lighting, all of the cars swerve to avoid him though they don't have headlights.

How did they see him?

It was daytime

another

a doctor, a poet, and an engineer were playing golf one bright day.
When arriving on the green to complete they're birdies (pretty good for amateurs) they notice a couple of guys wearing sunglasses taking their spot
Now these guys suck, they miss everytime
After 45 minutes of an agonising wait, they stop one of the staff members at the club and ask him- 'Son, what the HELL are those guys DOING?!!!'
the guy replies with tears in his eyes- 'Those men were once firefighters; a month ago we had a really bad fire at the convention hall, and these brave men went in at the height of the flames and rescued 8 of our secretaries. However, in the processes, they were permanently blinded by the flames, heat and smoke- Brave men indeed.' He then walked away
The doctor, awestrucken, said- 'Damn, those are brave guys.'
the poet said- 'Dude, if I were them, I'd ditch those people to burn- guys like those get props from me!'
The Engineer said-'Tsk, why can't those guys play at night?'

cubic

04-06-2004, 07:50 AM

Jack was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for â‚¬50," said the pilot.

"Sorry, can't afford it," replied Jack.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be â‚¬100."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jack.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Yeah," said Jack "But you nearly had me there when my wife fell out!"

Monarch

04-06-2004, 07:51 AM

- Ms., do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?

- ...no idea...?

- HAHA! I knew it!

24infront

04-06-2004, 07:51 AM

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

arelion

04-06-2004, 08:16 AM

Sorry for my bad english, but I'll try as good as I can :)

A young boy enters the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a condom. He thinks it's a little bit embarrassing, so he decides to explain his purchase. "My girlfriend has finally invited me to her house for dinner tonight, and I'm sure that if everything goes right, she'll be mine tonight. Right before he's going to pay, he changes his mind and asks for another condom. He explains. "My girlfriend's sister flirts with me sometimes, and I'm sure she's interested in me aswell, so maybe i've got luck with her too. He takes some money from his pocket, but once again he changes his mind and asks for three condoms and tells the pharmacist that her mother is pretty young and actractive too, so I'll give it a try.

The night comes and they're all sitting around the table in the kitchen and they start off with a prayer. After the prayer, all of them except the boy who's still praying takes their forks and starts to eat. After a couple of long minutes, the girl whispers to the boy, "hey, I didn't know you were religious". The boy answers, "and I didn't know your faher was a pharmacist.

I hope you got it :)

buff

04-06-2004, 08:16 AM

well, this didn't happen to me, but my bro did it.....(we are twins though)

We were
on vacation, and Dad was visiting one of his military friends. me and my bro were 7 years old, which means we were very goofy.....
Well, we went with dad, and got bored while dad talked about the good 'ole times flying F-15's etc. Well, me and my bro were playing around, doing what mischevioes boys do.....and rob had to go pee. Well, being a little boy having fun, he held it as long as possible. and when i say that I really mean it. By the time he decides he better go appease mother nature, it has turned into the I'm-not-going-to-make-it kind of urgency. So off rob races to the bathroom. And then, well waddya know, but his zipper is stuck. So he starts dancing around, trying to hold it while unsticking his zipper. Well, 7 year olds kinda loose their coordination when they have to go this bad, so its not going well for him. He finally gets his zipper down, pulls his whitey tighteys down, and lets ir rip. apparently he hadn't regained his ability to hold still, and misses big time. He sprays the wall all around the toilet, the sides of the toilet, and everything around. Well, the guy who lived there used the towel wrack to hang his military dress blues on, and they got sprayed too. infact, they were the main attraction. Well, being a 7yo, rob didn't tell anyone. So the next day, Mr. What-his-name puts his dress blues on, and goes to work.......and then notices the wonderful smell of urine all over him................

24infront

04-06-2004, 08:46 AM

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume
a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with
just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

Riska

04-06-2004, 09:07 AM

This one day George Bush and Vladimir Puthin.
Got to the point where they found out of that the war is not in the ocean any more so they would destroy all of there submarines!!
And they disided to do it in England Because of there major steel production.

when the day finally came they got together and went out to the harbour to see all of the subs arriving into the ports!
Then Bush said to Phutin look can you see that sub comming there?
And Phutin said Yes.
Bush then told him that it was the top of the line in America in subs and it have been away for over 300 days an not once been op to the surface.
And no one died in it!
Then Phutin pointed to a Russian sub and said to Bush. Can you see that one?
Bush answered Yes.
It Has been away for almost 450 days and newer been in for supplys and newer been op to the surface!
and only one died and this was a suicide!!
Bush looke in anger at Phutin and said this was the last sub lets go home!
And then they heard a rumble and another sum came up .
Phutin asked Bush is this one of yours?
Bush said no!
Then the hatch opened and a German Uboot comander came op and shouted Sig heil.. Haben Sie diesel?????

Attitudx

04-06-2004, 09:07 AM

An OSU fan, a Texas fan and an OU fan go into a restroom. After finishing the Texas fan washes from his shoulders to his hands. They look at him and he says in Texas they teach us to be thorough. The OSU fan gets done and washes his hands from the wrist down. He says in OKlahoma State they teach us to be efficient. The OU fan gets done and goes to walk out and the others look at him questioningly.

HE says At Oklahoma Univeristy they teach us not to pee on our hands

4-n-zics

04-06-2004, 09:14 AM

I am a moderator at another forum and found this extremely funny. A new member started a thread about his new 2600+ and this was his first post:

yea... just got a 2600+ and i was wondering if the silver thing on the core is a thermal pad... cuz i tried scraping it off with a plastic knife and i can't get it to come off...

Unfortunately, that "silver thing" he was talking about WAS THE DIE.

quicksilver98

04-06-2004, 09:16 AM

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

quicksilver98

04-06-2004, 09:17 AM

Children of the Eighties
We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.

We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My LittlePonies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman.

Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.

Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Stringsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did they take the Snorks off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families, the Polka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?

We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool.

The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?

Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us.

We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.

SAE

04-06-2004, 09:19 AM

A priest and a nun are playing table tennis. Every time the priest does not hit the ball, he says: "F**k, missed!", that gets the nun naturally enormous on the nerves. Therefore she says: "If you swear again, you should be hit by a lightning." Next time, as he missed again and swears nevertheless, the skys open and a lightning bursts out - hitting the nun. There's a deep voice roaring from above: "F**k, missed!"

In the senate of the United States it was discussed whether there are too many generals would in the army, and one came to the conclusion to introduce an anticipated retirement schedule of the following kind:
Each general, who announces his early retirement gets a decent pension and additionally a unique payment, whose height is determined in the following way:
The distance in centimeters of two arbitrary points on the surface of their body is multiplied by $1.000 and paid off.
Two weeks later there were three generals willing to retire. First was measured from the vertex to the sole, giving 1.90meters and gets paid $190,000. The second general places himself on the tips of the toe and stretches the arms, whereby he comes on 2.30meters and takes $230,000 with him home. When the third general is asked, between which points he wants to be measured, there he answers briefly and scarcely: "From the top point of my penis to right under my testicles."
The specialist sends him to the medical department where the measurement's gonna take place. There it is requested to undress. He lowers his trousers and the physician is astonished: "Oh my god, where are your testicles?" - "In Vietnam."

shafty

04-06-2004, 09:39 AM

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Put him on stage with a white tiger. (vegas joke)

How do you know what time it is at Michael Jacksonâ€™s house.

When the big hand meets the little hand

NeGe0

04-06-2004, 10:10 AM

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition in 1998 was keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. Entries did not have the ÃƒÂ©lan of some previous ones, but are a worthy catalogue of stupidity, incompetence and had luck.

1. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 50 cm of water after squeezing headfirst through a 30cm-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 30 m cliff on his daily run.

3. In Buxton, North Carolina, a man died on a beach when a 2.5 m hole he had dug in the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him. People on the beach used their hands and shovels to get to Jones but failed. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, California, when he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused by the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) ramming into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. In Dahlongega, Georgia, 20-year-old Nick Berrena was killed when fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak-vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell Jr, 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head?on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing in their snowmobiles.

8. A seven-year-old boy fell off a 30m bluff near Ozark, Arkansas after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Honorable mentions

1. In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and hit pal Anotonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio Martyn Eskins was attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement. He declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stilter, 47, was hospitalized in Andover, New Jersey, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival includes five days of amateur bullfighting. No bull was killed, but dozens of amateur matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitized. Said one participant, `It's just one bull against a town of a thousand morons.'

Some more also-rans

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Jerry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions to his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a goodbye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. 'I'm still not sure why I did it,' she said later. ' I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds.' However, cabbie Vegas did see and lost control of his car, running over the kerb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly after and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with sour tasting foam. She ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. In La Grange, Georgia, attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cellphone removed from his rectum. 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,' he said later. 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode,' said Dr Dennis Crobe. 'Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. 'three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.'

4, In Tacoma, Washington, Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4.30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 12 m before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say,' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located.

5. Also in the state of Washington, a Bremerton couple, Christopher and Emily Coulter, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a large bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back and tore away Christopher's penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. 'Chris is just plain lucky,' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. 'Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage cause by the dog's teeth to the penis is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh.' Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb and Washington animal control has no plans to seize Rudy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ The winner ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the overwhelming winner is... Friedrich Riesfeldt. An overzealous zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, who fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 100 kg of excrement. Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. 'The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him,' said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. (Cops speak funny in Germany too!) 'With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before he was discovered.'

uzairi

04-06-2004, 10:12 AM

To unlock this Easter Egg, start 3DMark and change the name of your project to "Holy Cow!", without the double quotes of course.

Then Just Run The Benchmark....

PMM

04-06-2004, 10:18 AM

One I heard today off our warehouse packaging chappie does a bit of auctioning and a right windup merchant.

The other night he's doing some auctioning just for fun and this time he's auctioning off a bundle of 5 Banana's :banana:

Anyway he sell's these banana's for Â£1.50 to a lady, He's know's this lady well, and know's she good for a laugh and a easy person to get (Joke wise).

Anyway he take's a banana away before she come's up on stage to collect.

On getting upon stage and receiving her bunch of Banana's she notice's only 4 and call's he him a robbing b4$$t3d in jest.

Anyway he reveal's the missing Banana and starts his gag... :stick: while she still up on stage.

Ron.. You know I study women alot and know from seeing them eat banana's what they like doing...

Lady.. OK

Ron.. Ok Young lady Start to open the banana

Lady.. Peal's 1st part of banana skin down

Ron.. Ok what have you just done

Lady.. Urmm pulled down ermm 1 part of the skin

Ron .. Ok carry on un peeling

Lady.. Peels 2nd bit down

Ron.. Ok what have you done

Lady.. Pulled 2 skins

Ron.. Ok carry on

Ron.. What have you done

Lady .. Pulled 3 skins

Ron.. Ok last one

Ron.. Ok what have you done...?

Lady.. Pulled 4 skins

Ron's ........ So you like pulling back 4 skins ;)

Lady twigs after audiance cracks up and curse's him after realising he got her good and proper :)

And all in the fun he even get's her to suck the banana before returning back to the audiance.

uzairi

04-06-2004, 10:23 AM

These are the names of the some romantic countries in the world.

H.O.L.L.A.N.D Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. Come Hereâ€¦.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attraction.

NeGe0

04-06-2004, 10:30 AM

Originally posted by uzairi
To unlock this Easter Egg, start 3DMark and change the name of your project to "Holy Cow!", without the double quotes of course.

Then Just Run The Benchmark....

I thought when you do this and run the game demo...it changes everything to hills and then there are flying cows all around.

amilian

04-06-2004, 11:14 AM

Reportedly a true story.... got this one from an old board I used to frequent.

"Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little rugrats. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate-of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell youâ€”in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-ltalian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress ...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good chit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a chit.

I went to the normal stall In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began â€œThe Move.

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain â€œThe Move.â€ Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of chit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the chit stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into â€œThe Moveâ€ when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little chithead attending kids night; it was mounded up in the comer so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over chiting no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:ting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of â€œ30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifiâ€ or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of chit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The chit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the chit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of chit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomitt ...
While all the :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:ting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside ... with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in chit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquidchit. All while thick chit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no f---ing toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom- He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants,- a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing.

She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left. The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little # kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains, toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom.

I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door"

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 11:16 AM

A chicken rancher lost is prize roster and goes to the ranch down the road to buy a
new roster. The rancher says yep I need a good roster to keep my chickens happy
if you know what I mean. The man says will I have two for sale one is a good bird
at a fair Price the other is really incredible but he will cost you. Will the rancher says
I need a good roster so I will take the incredible one and pays the man. The man
says o by the way he was so good we called him Rudy. The rancher take the cage
with Rudy and drives back to his ranch. When they arrive the rancher says Rudy
we have a lot of chickens here so take your time, pace your self. The rancher then
puts the cage with Rudy in it on the gound and opens the cage door. Rudy flies out
so fast that he looks like a lightening bolt and heads strait for the hen house. There
were chickens clucking and feathers flying as the rancher watched in amazement.
Then like a flash Rudy bolted out of the hen house and dashed to the pond filled
with ducks. Absolutely astonished the rancher watched as ducks were quacking
and feathers flying and thinking I just hope he can he this up.The rancher then went
about doing his chores. Later in the day the rancher turned the corner only to see
Rudy lying motionless on his back in the field with vultures circling above. The
rancher calling Rudy Rudy o my poor Rudy running to his roster. As he got close
while calling Rudy. Rudy lifted his head and said Quite dam it there getting closer.

X-Ecutioner

04-06-2004, 11:22 AM

Ok,

a 12-year old walks into a brothel, dragin along a dead toad on a string. The owner tells him he seems to be a bit too young, but the boy tells him he`s gota lota cash...
Seeing all the money, the owner tells him to choose a girl.
The boy asks if theres one with a real bad sexually transmitted disease.
After thinking about telling him which one he should pick in this case for about one minute, the owner tells the young boy to go and pick nancy.

Nancy and the 12 year old go upstairs and after 20 minutes he comes back downstairs.
Just before he left the building the owner stops him and asks why the hell he wanted one with a horrible disease.

the boy- "Well , back home my babysitter will be waiting for me. I know she likes young man ... we will do it for sure. Later my dad will drive her back home ... and do her on the backseat. Late night my dad will do it with my mother. Tomorrow morning my mother will do it with the milkman ...
AND THATÂ´S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY TOAD!

(tried to translate it ... hope you get it )

and another one :P :

A guy gets told there`s a whore that can sing while doin a blowjob. he gets curious and 2 days later he visits the whore.
He pays here and the "show" starts ... as promised she s***s his d*** while singing, but only with the lights turned off.
Cuz he`s curoius how she can do that he visits her again, but this time he wants to turn on the lights while shes singing....

well again shes singing while doin a bj ... so the guy turns on the light ... the first thing he sees is a glass-eye (eye made of glass) on the shelf next to him ...

some people need while to get it ... take your time :P

X

edit:

A teacher who`s teachin people the right behaviour (dunno what its eaxactly called) is teaching in a boarding school for girls.
- "Men always go up the stairs in front of the women. Why is that so?"
embarrassing(ed?) silence until one girl stands up and says :
-"That`s easy, the woman can`t know in which story the man lives."

9mmCensor

04-06-2004, 11:24 AM

Long time lurker, first time poster....

Here in Canada Newfoundlanders are regarded for being slightly less intelligent than the rest of Canada. There nickname is newfie.

There is this Newfie in a bar, and he sees this beautiful woman. He downs his pint, and goes up to her.
"You are really beautiful, will ya let me kiss ya," he says.
"Sorry buddy, I have a boyfriend," she replys.

He goes back to the bar and puts back a few more pints and returns with the liquid courage to ask her one more time.
"Your so hot I just want to lick your body all over," he says, half tanked.
"Look buddy I have a bodyfriend and he huge, you say anything else to me and he will beat the living sh*t out of you, so go away and leave me alone," the girl replies.

So he goes back to the bar and starts working on some whiskey shots.
He stumbles back to her and declares,
"Your so damn hot, I just want to fill your :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: with beer and drink it."
This is when she gets really mad, "Thats it buddy, you'd better take off because I am getting my boyfriend and he's gonna kill you," and she storms off.

She finds her boyfriend who is huge, with massive pipes, playing pool, "Whats wrong babe?" he asks.
"This guy has said some horrible things," she tells him.

"He said he wanted to kiss me."
Her boyfriend starts rolling his sleaves up.
"He said he wanted to lick my body."
He starts cracking his knuckles ready to pound this guy.
"He said he wanted to fill my :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: with beer and drink it."
To her dismay, her boyfriends stops cracking his knuckles and rolls his sleaves down.
"What," she says, "you arent going to beat him up?"
"No way babe, I aint gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."

OCNewb

04-06-2004, 11:56 AM

This is a true story that happened to my roomate in college! We will call him Mike in this story.

Anyway, Mike was at a bar in New York visiting some friends when he had one of those miller moments and began telling a story about a ski trip up in lake tahoe, california. He and his friends had just completed a long day of skiing and they were heading down the mountain in his old monte carlo, a car that resembles a pick-up truck. As they were heading down, they saw this hitchhiker walking and being the good samaritans they were, decided to give him a ride. He had to hop on the back of the monte carlo as their was no more room in the cabin. Everything was going smoothly on their trip down until Mike realized that the brakes of the old Monte Carlo wasnt working! Naturally they begin to freak out as they were speeding down the mountain at about 50mph and had no way of stopping!

Mike's friend yells, "%$$, pull the f*cking hand brake man!" Mike responded by yanking the brake lever up, but he pulled it up so hard that the whole transmission fell out from underneath the car! You have to realize now that at this point there were no brakes, they were still tobogganing down the mountain at high speeds, and they had no transmission at all. Mike and his friends just look at each other, and Mike screams, "Make like the transmission and bail man!" and they promptly jumped from the car, the snow luckily cushoning their fall! When they got up a few minutes later, they made sure they were all right and thanked god for their miraculous survival. It was at this moment that they remembered the hitchhiker in the back of the monte carlo, and they began running down the hill looking for him. The monte carlo had rolled onto one of those runaway car inclines and had crashed into a pile of snow. When they got to the man, he was conscious but needed an ambulance.

At this point in the story, a man in the bar located in the big apple all the way at the other end of country from california yells "You little :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:, that was you!" And sure enough, it was the hitchhiker on that faithful day!

Cow2kie

04-06-2004, 11:57 AM

PC tech story (true story)
(shortened version)
An older gentlemen calls up saying he can not get his mouse to work. Of course the first thing was to check to make sure its plugged in. After some more questions I ask him to right click his mouse on the desktop to see if anything pops up. SO he does that and something does pop up. So the mouse is working, just not the movement. After some more questions. I realize the man is holding the mouse way up in the air trying to move it around. :lol: :brick: I laughed so hard after I got off the phone with him. Just imagine someone holding their mouse in the air trying to move it around.:banana:

zakelwe

04-06-2004, 12:02 PM

Originally posted by chilly1
Contest One:
[B]Make The Mods Laugh

http://www.blairwing.com/images/chiller.jpg

Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?

Regards

Andy

LDK

04-06-2004, 12:08 PM

OK there it goes:
There was this person that is going out of the country. So he got his passport to take the plane. Arriving at the airport, he didnt feel well so he went in the bathroom to :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:. While :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:ting, he accidently fell the passport in the stuff... So he pick it up and since he was in hurry, he didnt have time to wash it so he just dryed it. He went in front the people there that check the passport. That person says: Where are you going and why this passport sticky and tastes funny?, while licking his finger changing page by page....

Hope you understand it...

Mini

04-06-2004, 12:34 PM

Saddam hussein and his chaufeur were driving around the country side when all of a sudden they hit a pig... Saddam said: "Go to the guys house and tell him what happened".

So he went up and knocked on the door, a man answered the door... Well saddam had been waiting for a VERY long time, when the chauffeur came back and he asked "Why did it take so long"

Well i told him "Hello, im saddam husseins driver and i just killed the pig"

So he gave me his best bottle of whine let me sleep with his daughter and his wife made me a great dinner...

Hehe i just got this story told, its not super funny and i know it wont win but what the heck...

One of my dads friends just called and didnt understand that when he tried to delete his emails(hotmail.com) then when he pressed the back button in IE6 they were just back...

And all of a sudden there came a popup with some guy called "Hobbles" and sometimes he was there in days and days... So he said: "Do you think they are spying on me???" "Maybe its my ex-wife???"

Hehe...

Good jokes by the way from rest of you ;o)

Ill be back with more jokes later on... Im a bit sick so i hope i get better b4 its over..

Massamune

04-06-2004, 12:37 PM

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said...

"Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Dave???"

Mini

04-06-2004, 12:38 PM

Little mike wants to go to a carneval(Tivoli in denmark if you have been there :P)So he asks his dad: "Can i get some money to go to the carnival??"

And his dad says: "Sure son, but first you have to suck my ****"

So he start and then all of a sudden stops and says: "Dad why does it taste like :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:???" Dad: "Well son your sister wanted to go to the movies..."

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 12:44 PM

Cannibals Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 12:48 PM

Vampire Tea

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.

The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

Tok-ra

04-06-2004, 12:52 PM

i have a friend that is messed up in the head. he's really smart, overly organized, and just plain out an overachiever... nothing wrong with that.

i think he lost his virginity when he was 21/22, and it must have been a bad situation. all i ever hear this guy talk about is sex (thankfully i don't see him that often). he did, however, work for clinton... but then bush too... so who knows.

anyway, he's in lawschool and came out with us last night. he tells me this story: (guy has never had sex w/o a condom)

so he had this girl he was messing around with in january. he kept telling her he wanted to :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:, but she kept giving him the handjob. so one night they were all lubed up (entire bodies) and he got on top. went to town.. no condom. didn't know what it would feel like, but he liked it. so he blows his load and, for some dumb reason (i hope this is the only time he's said it after) he asks her "So, how many guys have you had sex with including me?" she loses it. laughing so hard she almost falls off the bed. he asks what she's laughing at. she explains that they haven't had sex, he was just humping her leg!

Mini

04-06-2004, 01:06 PM

two italian tourists were travelling in train in USA. In front of them sits and old woman, who cannot avoid hearing what they say:
first emma come, then I come, then there is two asses put together and then I com again. Then the asses are there again and then I pee twice and I come again.

The old woman is very shocked about their language and says:
Young men! Here in america we dont talk so freely about sexlives.
The young italian replies:
But I was only trying to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi.

twilius_basic

04-06-2004, 01:14 PM

OK here's my bid, I got a lot of laughs out of it, so did the whole family, so I hope you guys enjoy :) I'll think twice before I become a brick-layer now ;)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

"I'm writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that i had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly more than 500 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my suprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-William

cmb4787

04-06-2004, 01:17 PM

true story bout six months ago this happened
its early august and quite hot outside, we just ran out of fireworks and were board. We found a bottle of corona some gas and a lighter, a molotov was made and trown into a parking lot, it was all we expected and after seeing the excitement went home

two days later we went back to the parking lot of the building, my friends climbed on the building with a rope ladder and me and another stayed on the ground and waited. The said well be right back, they ran to my house and got a powerful flashlight(we saw an open window) we started yelling at the open window
"what the :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: are oyu doing up there giving each other handjob"
we kept yelling :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: and well, it got worst and worst. My two friends sneak over the window and drop down the rope ladder, all the time we are singing and dancing bohemian rapsody as we have pnoticed that a camera is stickingo out the window, my friends idea is to snacth the camera while we are distrating them but while we are dancing the camera dissapears to our surprize. My friends then get off the building because they get the idea it may be cops but that does not stop them. My friends form a totem pole leading to the window so a friend can jump in but, the fall and my friend lands on his tailbone form around 15 feet. We decide we should call it a night, but not before wipping our shirts around and yelling obsanities, then we do it, we bolt, the yell police , we get tackled , arrested abused and i have 6 months of probation left now, well its not that bad but it was funny :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: looking back, going to jail tho, that was not fun

xDUCK

04-06-2004, 01:26 PM

my entry (its worth the long read!)

Once upon a time, in a small italian village, lived a short, red haired, freckled little kid named Guiseppe who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere. He had cd's of circus music, a clown alarm clock, a clown costume, and clown sheets for his clown themed bed.

One day Guiseppe was walking home from school when he noticed a colourful ad on the front page of the Olive Times - the circus was coming to town! Guiseppe was ecstatic. He asked his parents if he could go, and they agreed, but only if he paid for his ticket himself. For the next three weeks, Guiseppe mowed his neighbors' lawns, trimmed his neighbors' hedges, and took out his neighbors' garbage. Slowly but surely, he gathered up the 20,000 Lira for the ticket to the circus! The next week felt like the slowest of Guiseppe's life, as he passed by the circus being erected on his way to school every day.

The day finally came, and Guiseppe woke up to the sound of his clown alarm clock and sprang out of bed. He put on his favourite clown shirt, put on his bright red clown shoes and nose, and hopped into his bright yellow clown pants. He grabbed his ticket money from his clown dresser and ran out the door. He could hear the music all the way from his doorstep! He followed the sound for 6 blocks and turned the corner. It was there! Guiseppe started running harder and faster with exhuberant determination.

Guiseppe blacked out. When he came to, he looked up and realized he had sprinted 22 blocks from his house. He was exhausted. He was beat. He was desperate. He had been wearing his hot, sweaty clown costume the whole time. He turned around and much to his surprise, he had arrived! Guiseppe scurried up to the ticket counter and waited in line for several hours. He was excited to get inside, but he didn't mind the wait - he liked the break from running. Finally, the blonde woman in front of him purchased her ticket and the man in the box office leaned out to see him. "Why hello there, son!" "Hello!", replied Guiseppe, barely containing his excitement. He pulled out the money he had saved up for his ticket and placed it on the counter. The man tore a ticket off of the spool and handed it to Guiseppe; he was in!

Guiseppe ran inside the theater, he saw the concession stand but realized he had no more money. Dejected, he put his hands in his pockets and started heading for the main tent. Much to his surprise, he pulled out 2,500 Lira bill! He rushed over the counter and bought a huge red & white bucket of popcorn with extra melted butter and a large coke with extra ice. He had the butter on the popcorn layered, like Guiseppe liked (after all there's nothing worse than 5 buttery kernels and the rest of the bucket being dry).

Guiseppe skipped into the inside of the big tent (which he assumed was the main one) and took a seat in the very center of the very front row. He waited several minutes.

The lights lowered and Guiseppe let out an excited sqeal as the elephants walked on stage, followed by the monkeys and the armadillos. The trapeze artists flew in from the top of the tent, and the fire eaters set the tent ablaze with applause! Finally, the clowns ran in and the audience went wild! Guiseppe was grinning from ear to ear (after all the clows were his very favourite part of the circus) as he watched them move around the audience, shaking people's hands, tripping, squirting people with fake flowers, and generally being the mischevious clowns Guiseppe loved.

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights blacked out. A drumroll echoes through the stadium and a single spotlight appeared in the very center of the stage. The air was tense... as the head clown stepped onto stage! He went through his routine, telling jokes and puns, until finally a small round stool was brought onto stage by a fellow clown. A hush fell over the stadium and the head clown asked the audience for a volunteer. Guiseppe's hand SHOT up and he almost passed out when the head clown chose him.

Guiseppe ran down the stands, hopped onto the stage, and sat down on the stool. "What's your name, son?" the clown asked. "Guiseppe!", the boy replied. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's face?" Confused, Guiseppe replied "No, sir.". The clown exclaimed "Then you must be it's ASS!" The crowd roared with laughter, but Guiseppe was horribly embarassed. He was crushed. He was mortified. He could not believe he had just been betrayed by his lifelong hero. He jumped off the stool and sprinted all 22 blocks back home.

When he got inside, he ran straight to his room and started tearing down all his clown posters, throwing away his clown books, and basically ruining all his assorted clown paraphenalia. He sat down on the ground and started crying.
Hours turned to days, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. One summer day, while reading through the paper, Guiseppe noticed that the circus was coming to town again. He got to thinking - 'why should one clown ruin my view of the circus?'. After some further pondering, Guiseppe resolved to overcome his past and visit the circus once more.

Again, he sprinted 22 blocks from his house and arrived at the circus. It was bigger this time, but still retained the same charm that only a circus could exude. He purchased his ticket, went inside, and bought a large popcorn with extra butter and a large coke with extra ice. Again, he had the popcorn layered because it's far more delicious that way.

Guiseppe went inside and took a seat in the middle of the 3rd row. The animals and jugglers started coming out, and he realized that he was having quite a good time. He regretted wasting all these years, refusing to go to the circus based on that one clown's actions!

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights went dark. A single spotlight appeared in the center of the stage. The head clown walked on, and Guiseppe realized that it was the same clown that had tricked him on that fateful day, years and years ago! Guiseppe was furious, but he could not resist volunteering for the clown's bit, just to see if he would recognize Guiseppe, and whether he was still doing the same joke. Sure enough, the head clown asked for a volunteer, Guiseppe put his hand up quickly, and was chosen. He ran down the stands and hopped onto the stage, where he sat down on the stool. "Tell me, young man - what is your name?" "Guiseppe!", he replied. The clown seemed to remember the name, but in his long years performing, he had heard pretty much every name, so he thought nothing of it. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's head?" Guiseppe rolled his eyes and replied "No, I suppose not." "Then you must be it's ass!" The crown roared with laughter. Guiseppe was again humiliated and ran home.

Over the next few weeks, Guiseppe planned his revenge. He was furious! The NERVE of this clown! Who did he think he was? Guiseppe vowed revenge!

Again, years passed and Guiseppe had built quite a name for himself. He had gone to Clown College, where he graduated at the top of his class, receiving a doctorate in funny, with hilarious honours. Wherever Guiseppe went, people laughed at his hilarious antics and humorous anecdotes. Still, there was his nagging bitterness towards clowns.

Guiseppe once again noticed an advertisement for the circus in the newspaper. He knew what he had to do. He hopped in his car and drove over to the circus. He purchased an adult ticket and went over to the concession stand, where he bought a small popcorn and a small coke. He rushed inside and realized the clown had just asked for a volunteer; This clown was STILL doing the same bit! Guiseppe sprinted onto stage, put down his popcorn and drink, and sat down on the stool. Not wanting to interrupt the show, the clown played along and assumed this man simply very much wanted to volunteer. "What's your name, sir?" "Guiseppe!", he replied. The clown again remember the name, but thought nothing of it. "Tell me, Guiseppe - are you a donkey's face?" "NO!", replied Guiseppe, irritated. "THEN YOU MUST BE IT'S ASS!" exclaimed the clown. The audience erupted into laughter, of course, but this time Guiseppe stood up and motioned the audience to be quiet. A hush fell over the stadium and Guiseppe realized his moment had come. He was about to do what he wanted to do all these years. It was time! All those years at Clown College, all his plots for revenge, all the time spent agonizing and reliving his humiliation over and over, culminating in this one moment. It was destiny.

Guiseppe turned the clown, took a deep breath, and said "F*ck you, clown!".

:D :toast:

PS:
And yes, I just typed that out. And it took an hour. :(

Edited by Kazoo for language

Second edit (by xDUCK): It's the punchline, it's not funny if you have to stop to decode it for 5 seconds. :(

Hallowed

04-06-2004, 01:50 PM

Ah, good thread!

Once upon a time a rather wealthy business exec needed to head overseas for a week-long chairman session. Knowing his trophy wife had an extremely active sex drive, he knew he had to keep her 'occupied' while he was gone lest he find her with someone else.

The exec travels to the classiest sex-shop he can find and peruses the goods. The owner walks out from behind the desk to assist this obviously wealthy client.

"How can I help you sir?"
"Well, you see I need to be out of town for a week and I need to keep my wife 'busy' till I'm back."
"Well sir, we have these right here and..."
"No, no, I've looked at these, shed be bored within an hour."

Realizing this client needed something special, he motions him to follow him back to the counter. "This, my friend, is what your lady-friend needs." On top of the desk he plops down an old, musty smelling box with strange engravings on its lid.

"Is this some kind of joke? My time is valuable."
"No joke, senor~."

The owner clears off his desk, dusts the cover, and then says smartly: "Voodoo Penis, arise!" The lid flings open and a giant, strange looking black dildo hovers in mid-air. Light distorts around it, giving it an odd halo.

"Voodoo Penis, the door!" commands the owner.

All of a sudden this black instrument storms toward the door and begins pounding the keylock! Not much later the whole storefront is shaking from the force!

"Impressive."
"Yes senor, it does the trick. Voodoo Penis, the box!"

The massive tool reverses direction, flies toward its box, and lands with precision, lid closing immediately afterward. After a few minutes of instruction, the exec is on his way home for the last time this week.

"Now honey, all you need to do is say "Voodoo Penis, my vagina." and you should be set."

"Okay dear. Have fun on your trip, bring me something back!"

Well, the exec is gone for a few days and she becomes rather lonely. And a bit wanting for some action. Hours later she decides to give it a try.

Fingering the lid open, she stares at it and wonders why she hadn't done this earlier. "Voodoo Penis, my vagina!" she says, excitedly.

She hadn't felt this much pleasure in her life. She came, and came, and came again and felt wonderful. For awhile. Then she realized he never told her how to make it stop! Panicking, she tries a few meager commands.

"Voodoo Penis, stop!"
"Voodoo Penis, halt!"
"Voodoo Penis, quit!"

Nothing worked! Terrified, she throws her clothes back on, hops in the car, and heads toward the hospital. Meanwhile, the dildo is still at it, and as she orgasms more she swerves all over the road! A nearby policeman notices this and decides to pull her over.

"Maam, are you drunk?"
"No officer, I'm just.. uunnnh.. I'm being attacked by a Voodoo Penis! It wont stop banging me!"

The cop laughs.

"Yeah right lady. Voodoo Penis, my ass."

John Cena

04-06-2004, 02:29 PM

Me myself is A story and it is clearly true that IT SHOULD BE I JOHN CENA THE WINNER OF THIS PRIZE.

drews

04-06-2004, 02:36 PM

Ok here is mine -

One day while driving home, I was doing about 80 -85 on the local interstate. Then a police car car gets on at an exit, and everyone slows down the speed limit. Then the cops gets out infront of everyone, and starts doing about 90mph. I get on his right rear bumper. We go along for a long while, and then he finally looks in his review mirror. He slams on the breaks (probably trying to get behind me and pull me over) (also keep in mind that this guy is not on a call - no lights no siren, and the speed limit is 65). Well, Im not about to get a ticket for 25mph over, so I slam on the breaks too. We keep going like this until we get down to like 55 on the interstate, and I say screw this and finally pass him. As I drive past he is looking at me waving his arm in a large downward motion, and I could see him saying "SLOW DOWN!!". I get off a few exits later, and my dad calls - who is Head of the Swat Team for our area, and like one rank below cheif of police. Well, he asks me how my day went, and if anything else exciting happened. I casually mention, "Oh yeah, Car 295 was doing 90 on the interstate and not on a call". "Oh really? Ill have a little talk with him when he gets back to the sation", say my dad.

Such a great story.... and all true. My friend was in the car with me, and can confim it.

runmc

04-06-2004, 02:50 PM

Originally posted by zakelwe
Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?

Regards

Andy

Andy my friend, Can you explain your question????

Did you turn in an entry yet??

Good luck to everyone.

xboy

04-06-2004, 02:52 PM

Well, I'll definitely won't win, because no moderator will want to read this whole conversation!

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New York and Washington, killing 3,000 innocent people.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Son: Good night, Daddy.

BmxAnt

04-06-2004, 03:32 PM

You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?

LDK

04-06-2004, 03:35 PM

Got another one:
One day there's this boy that is in the bus. He was sitting right behind the bus driver. This kid started to say:
-If my mom was a female elephant and my dad an male elephant, I would be a baby elephant.
The driver pretent to not hear anything.
-If my mom was a female cow and my dad a male cow, I would be a baby cow.
The driver is getting a bit annoyed.
Then the kid says few other animal. Then suddenly the bus driver stop the bus and turned around and ask:
-If your mom was a prostitute and your dad was gay, what would you be?
-A bus driver, replied the kid

makatee

04-06-2004, 03:44 PM

Well, I have a pretty cool story to share and it actually just happened which makes it even better.

I just got back from my senior class trip to Washington D.C. On the last night I was there we were at intermission for a play at Fords Theater when my friends Alejandra, Matt, and Frank all went outside for some fresh air and a stretch. If anyone of you knows that area, you'll also know that The Hard Rock Cafe is right next door. Well, while I was outside, I heard the music coming from the Hard Rock and I was just kinda moving my hips (dancing like a fool) when a homeless man yelled at me that I had some nice moves. I was kinda shocked really. It was funnny, but at the same time embarassing because this man really didn't know me. He proceeded to tell me that I looked just like, "Some dude from the Happy Days," then after some thought he tells me that really I look like John Travolta (because I apparently look and move like him during "something". Now, if any of you know what I look like based on the Post Your Pic Thread in the Wampeeters forum, you'll understand that Travolta and my likeness to eachother must have been inspired by something very much crazy.) By this point my friends and I are laughing so hard that when the homeless man started to dance and asked us to join in, my friend Frank and I did. After undoubtedly the coolest street dancing I had ever done, the man told me, "I am a DC bum just trying to get some beer money, " and he held his hand out with $1.75 in quarters. Sadly, the cops hate the homeless bothering tourists so the man was yelled at and he ran off.
It's ironic because my parents spent over $500 on that class trip and easily the best time I had was dancing with a bum who had about as much money as it costs to get a soda. In reality, I'm sure this won't be as funny to all of you as it was for me and my buddies, but maybe more than just for laughs, this will remind the mods and the people who make this site possible that sometimes the greatest things really are free and often times come out through people. I've read some about the situations of late on these forums and I don't by any means have a good grasp as to really what's up, but I do know that I've come to these forums everyday for a year and a half and it's really a wonderful gift to have the ability to talk to not only wonderful overclockers, but wonderful people who are there as a community for eachother. Sure there are a few bad apples everywhere and it's not always easy to be around them and to deal with them, but Mods especially, take a step back and see that your presence in the forums and just the basic opportunity to log on here everyday brings smiles to all of our faces. So I give you my thanks, small though it may be, but maybe it's just enough to brighten someone's outlook up a little.

John Cena

04-06-2004, 03:47 PM

Okay heres my story
Once upon a time there lived a great great King named John Cena and his loyal Cat Gilbert and a peasant named Runmc and a servant named Fugger.

So oneday fugger made homemade buttercup cookies for the Great King, John Cena...and at dinner Fugger served it to Gilbert and King Cena. Runmc came and knock on the door and then he said that he will trade 3 sewerage disposal workers named Johnny Knoxville and Stonedpenguin and eddy. Cena gave 2 butter cookies to runmc so cena had 8 butter cookies. Fugger wanted 5 butter cookies but cena got mad and gave a fugger the "finger". fugger and cena finally settled for 4 butter cookies. so 4 + 2 = 6 - 10 = King Cena had 3 butter cookies left. One butter cookie Gilbert ate and the other King Cena ate...then runmc, the workers, King Cena, Gilbert and Fugger shared the last cookie. and that was the happily ever after end

btw this story has no offense. I'm sure fugger and runmc and johnny and the rest dont mind. If you do then i wasnt refering to you because i have a friends named fugger and runmc and the rest

charlie

04-06-2004, 04:08 PM

Cena,
And you were actually behaving yourself for about 5 minutes....

If I were you....I'd edit that :D Before someone edits it FOR you (MOD)

C

John Cena

04-06-2004, 04:13 PM

****

Edited by Kazoo

STEvil

04-06-2004, 04:43 PM

I suggest a ban and post removeals.. i'm sick of the ass, to be blunt.

All Kill3r

04-06-2004, 04:43 PM

A Blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fungame?
The blond, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and
a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches her attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
She doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00
bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blond, and hands her $500.00.
She says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

:smileysex :toast: :banana: :D

John Cena

04-06-2004, 04:45 PM

****

Edited by Kazoo

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 04:51 PM

A small town church and the devil walks in. People begin running for their life out of the church. The church empty, one man sits there calmly. The devil says don't you know who I am? The man replies yes. The devil asks don't you know what I am capable of? the man says yes. the devil asks why are you not afraid? the man says I have been married to your sister for 20 years.

Bobtod

04-06-2004, 04:54 PM

Got emailed this the other day

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the motorway. The man asks 'If I drive 100 mph will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flipped over trapping the man and all of his girlfriend's clothes.
All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that petrol station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.' 'Well' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there cover up your bits and go get help.' So the woman covers her bush with the shoe and goes to the petrol station. She says to an attendant. 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'but I think he's too far in.'

bt

John Cena

04-06-2004, 04:58 PM

****

Edited by Kazoo

Demogorgon

04-06-2004, 05:02 PM

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to see his mom on top
Of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, Worried about what her Son has seen she dresses and goes to find him.

The son sees her and asks "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mother replies "you know how your daddy has such a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time" said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked the mother puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.

Violineb

04-06-2004, 05:08 PM

I've been a lurker but have never posted :/ SO here goes my first post. Hmm maybe I can win something out of this :D
Should I put it all in one post? Unlike most of the jokes, not all of mine are um....dirty? ;)

#1

The wife calls her husband.

-Honey, I've won 3 million dollars on a lottery! Hurry home and pack your bags!

-Congrats honey! Should I take hot or cold weather clothes?

-I don't care what you take, as long as you are out of the house before evening

#2

A seminary of priests are having reception and on the food table, they see a sign next to the basket of apples. "Only one per person; Jesus is watching." this is all good, but at the end of the other table, there's a basket of cookies and next to it, a sign which one of the priests put up. "Take as many as you want; Jesus is busy watching the apples at the other end of the table"

#3

(this is a true story)

A priest is asked to house sit for a couple in CA. So he's enjoying the view and taking in the sun and his German Shepard is also enjoying in the fresh air. Eventually, his dog brings to him a rabit; a dead, muddy, bloody rabit!! :doh: He's thinking, oh crap, that's was the pet rabit of the daughter and my dog killed it!!!!!! So he gets this ingenius idea :D

He washes the rabit, dries it and puffs it up with a hair dryer and puts it back in the case :) All better.

The next day after he leaves, the wife calls him and asks if anything stranged happened while they were away. He says no, nothing out of the ordinary happened. A couple hours later, her husband calls and asks the same question and gets the same reply. "Why do you ask?" asks the priest.

Well you see, our rabit died a few days ago and we buried him and now we found him in the cage :eek:

I have more but I'll leave them for the next post.

John Cena

04-06-2004, 05:13 PM

****

Edited by Kazoo

lalPOOO

04-06-2004, 05:17 PM

Guess what I got for christmas? :D

Violineb

04-06-2004, 05:21 PM

Time for moren now that there's a reply seperating my posts :)

#1

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

#2

Two stupid guys went fishing. they caught so many fish that one said 2 the other, "mark this spot so we can come back here 2moro and catch just as many fish as we did 2day" later that day, the one guy says 2 the other "u marked the spot, right?" and the other guy says "yeah, I put a big 'X' at the bottom of our boat" and the other guy says "u idiot, what if we don't get the same boat?!"

and #3

A guy comes to work w/ bandages all over both of his ears. another employee sees him and asks how it happened. The guy tells him that the day before he was ironing clothes when the phone rang. But he accidentaly picked up the iron and put it to his ear. The other employee then asks "so what happened to your other ear?" and the guy says "Well I had to call the doctor!"

I have more on the way :)

yaboc

04-06-2004, 05:28 PM

umm ok here's real life story

there was this Polish guy working on construction and there was a car blocking the work area. He knew few words and he wanted to move the car badly , so he asked the guy standing next to the car : "Car Wasz?" (he mixed polish and english), and the driver quickly responded "How much?", and then he didn't know what to do, while other people were laughing their asses off.

to clarify Wasz(sounds like wash when its spoken) translates to "yours"

i just found that really funny

:toast:

and a joke

A hot blonde with BIG assets and in a sexy miniskirt came to the church to pray cuz she sinned. She kneeled in the front of the church right under the big cross with Jesus.
She was praying with her eyes closed and her nipples were hard :banana: . After 2 minutes of praying she felt something cold between her boobs. She reached there and found a big cold nail. She looked up and saw Jesus grins with his left hand covering his privates.

teezer

04-06-2004, 05:28 PM

well, haven't seen a knock-knock yet ~~~ so

knock-knock

who's there?

emerson

emerson who?

emerson nice lookin tits

~~~~ 60/40% sukcess rate ~~~~

teezer

04-06-2004, 05:32 PM

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 P.M. & ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the ! hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party & the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag,! You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Who.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and forget why you're there.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

Violineb

04-06-2004, 05:39 PM

Another Polish joke (hmm I am half polish)

Three guys are convicted and sent to the guillotine. A German, an Englishman and a polish guy. :D

The German is first. "Any last words?" "none" The executioner pulls the lever to make the blade drop, nothing happens. "It's a sign from God!!! You got to let me go." So they let him go. Next up is the Brit. "any last words?" "none" They pull the lever and.....nothing happens "It's a sign from God you must let me go" They let him go. Lastly the Polish guy "Any last words?" "Well if you fixed that pulley then the guillotine would work"

The rest is easy to figure out :evil:

#2
Important Medical Conclusion
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

#3 Last one

There was once this man who bought coconuts for $5 and sold them for $3. After a few years he became a millionaire. How did that happen?

(how do I add a spoiler?) Oh well
He was a billionaire before.

Violineb

04-06-2004, 05:57 PM

Here's to hoping tha I win :toast: Not even sure what this prize is :confused: I suppose that doesn't matter though ;)
(that comment better not have hurt my chances of winning)

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 05:58 PM

A man at the bar looks sad and worried. When asked why, he says: "Well, my wife has started to go to all the bars in town." "So sad! She's becoming an alcoholic, then?" "No. She's looking for me."

Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, says all Lawyers are Jerks, a guy at the end of the bar says: I take offense to that, why You a lawyer? No I'm a jerk.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

Revv23

04-06-2004, 05:59 PM

I'll give her a go, though i know mine doesn't compare.

So this is a true story, this guy, Jerry Waters came home to his 4 floor apartment drunk one night, he quickly realized that he couldn't find his keys. So, being drunk off his ass, rather than trying to find a nieghbor or looking for the keys, he decides to head on up to the roof on the 15th floor and climb down to his apartment balcony.

Well, sure enough, around the 11th floor somewhere, he loses his grip, and falls 11 floors, right into the pool. Lucky bastard was fine.

I just thought it was funny that his last name was waters, and he fell into the pool. :p:

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:12 PM

http://lenine.biz/elisha/toilet.gif

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 06:18 PM

So these three neurosurgeons were having drinks, telling about their most successful cases.

The first - My patient lost all the fingers off his left hand. After I re-attached them, he became a successful concert pianist.

Second - Well, my patient got back from the war with no arms or legs. He's now competing in the Olympics in the 400 meters.

Third neurosurgeon - My patient, a cowboy, got hit by a freight train. All I had was a cowboy hat and a horses ass. Now he's president of the United States.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would
see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a
loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the
truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought
he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking
down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he
remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However
even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud
"THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:19 PM

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she

expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she

respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved

her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and

now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife

wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the

same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just

watch him drive a

car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands

are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The

letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we

will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't

keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having

trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to

speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did,

but today is the last day."

WOMAN

When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after

her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When

she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She

is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN

At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.

At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.

At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.

At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:19 PM

-- God created earth and rested. Then God created man

and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has

rested.

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:24 PM

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:25 PM

Biology 101

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"
This happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:25 PM

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later. First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the f**k was in that?" She whispers in his ear.... "It's called Blowjob revenge"

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 06:27 PM

A man goes to his doctor for a check-up. After examining the man, the doctor says, "I have some bad news Mr. Smith. It appears that you have tuberculosis, leprosy, and the plague."
Mr. Smith was devastated. He said, "Doctor, that's awful! What can I do?"
The doctor calmly replied, "I don't want you to worry. We'll admit you to the hospital and start you on a diet of pancakes and flounder."
"How is that going to help me?"
The doctor replies, "It won't, but it's all we'll be able to slide under the door."

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie tells him, "I'll grant you three wishes, but everything you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man says, "Well, you know I hate lawyers, but I think I can live with that. So, first, I'd like a billion dollars."
The genie, blinks and says, "Done. You have a billion dollars in your bank account and every lawyer has two billion dollars."
"Okay," says the man, "next I'd like a Lamborghini Murcielago," and the genie blinks and tells him there's one in his driveway and two in every lawyer's driveway.
The man rubs his chin and says, "Finally, I'd like to donate a kidney."

George Bush, Jr. dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates to await being let in. Upon arrival St. Peter asks, as he does everyone, "Name and occupation?"

George W. replies, "Ah George W. Bush, 33rd President of the United States."

St. Peter replies, "I'm sorry to have to do this, but we got a lot of people coming through here claiming to be people they aren't. Can you prove that you are indeed George W. Bush, 33rd President of the United States?"

Offended, George Jr. exclaims, "I was the ruler of the free world. How dare you ask me to prove who I am."

St. Peter replies, "I'm sorry sir, but when Einstein died he had to prove the theory of relativity. When Picasso died, he had to paint something. Now you're here and I need some proof that you're who you say you are."

"I can fully appreciate that," says the younger George Bush. "But who is Einstein and Picasso?"

St Peter replies, "That will do just fine, Mr. Bush. You may go ahead on through."

One night in a restaraunt, a patron stood up, pointed at her 8 year old son and screamed "Oh my god, my son is choking - he swallowed a quarter!"
A man at a nearby table rushes over, grabs the kid at the groin and squeezes and, sure enough the quarter pops out.
The woman tells the man "you saved his life. How can I repay you.
The man says 'That's not necesary - it's what I do for a living."
The woman asks "Are you a fireman, or an EMT?"
The man replies, "No - I work for the IRS."

Elisha

04-06-2004, 06:38 PM

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, "See I am not injured yet."

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

chilly1

04-06-2004, 07:19 PM

Originally posted by zakelwe
Chilly, does it have drivers for Linux or just Windows ?

Regards

Andy

Sorry it comes with only drivers for the commodore 64.:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

PyroTeknik

04-06-2004, 07:26 PM

maybe we shoudl make it so the post count doesnt increase in here so cena would shut up...

Kazoo

04-06-2004, 07:52 PM

Originally posted by John Cena
Me myself is A story and it is clearly true that IT SHOULD BE I JOHN CENA THE WINNER OF THIS PRIZE.

Now John, the contest is about making us laugh! NOT rip our hair out in frustration! :D :D :D

Çhrist0ph

04-06-2004, 08:16 PM

Originally posted by John Cena
HAHAHHAHAHAH OMG HAHAHHAHA HAHAHHA OMG HAHAHHAHAH ROFLMAO!!!! LMAO!!!!

:spam:

BmxAnt

04-06-2004, 08:34 PM

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

BmxAnt

04-06-2004, 08:36 PM

I thought this was pretty funny

Why is a woman like a kfc? because once youve got past the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all thats left is a greasy bucket to put your bone in

:p:

uzairi

04-06-2004, 09:16 PM

This is a joke that is really funny, and it works!]

An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world
for her little puppy.
She went up to the cash register to pay for the food.
The Sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old
ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual
animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the
animal food themselves.
So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to
the store to buy her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food
around. But the Sales-lady told her the same thing,
so the old lady went back home and brought her cat
to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store
again, carrying a big container.
She went up to the Sales-lady and said,
"Put your hand inside here."
The Sales-lady shook her head. "NO", she said,!
"there is probably something in there that will bite me!".
"I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you,"
the old lady said.
So, the Sales-lady stuck her hand inside the container,
and screamed.

The sales lady is just scared if something inside the container
will bite her actually there's nothing inside it. She sreamed
because too scared...hahahahhah.

chilly1

04-06-2004, 09:41 PM

Keep em comming....... were all laughing good job yall....

Çhrist0ph

04-06-2004, 09:44 PM

i dont know if this too raunchy or not...but here it goes

What do you call a quarter-pounder with cheese?

An anorexic with a yeast infection!

STEvil

04-06-2004, 10:04 PM

Why do women collect more cats as they age?

I'll let you guys try and guess the answer, but i'll give a hint: fresh.

Quine

04-06-2004, 10:10 PM

The Alaskan robotics team and I were taking our yearly trip down to the lower forty-eight to compete with our robot against dozens of other teams in one of the regionals. This year, we decided to head down to the Pheonix regional, where it is nice and hot. The trip was going just fine, and we were even staying in a really nice luxerious hotel. The hotel had a gigantic court yard where there was a massive clear water pool in the center. We thought that I'd be good to go swimming in there alot, because there wasn't much else that we could do till the van got back.

So, it turns out that we all get in the pool, everythinig goes good for the first two days, we have fun, meet people, socailize, the works. But it was the first time that we were out at the pool late night, and there was this football laying next to the pool. So, we go and start playing with the football, tossing it back and forth. As we are doing this, two of the most gorgeous teenagers enter the court yard and dive into the pool. "Wow," we think to ourselves.

The stench of rug munching was strong, but we persued it none the less. We tried our best, attempts of getting to meet these two girls, but it was just futile to get to know them at all. But then, we strike up an ingenious idea! We'll toss the football close to them to have a reason to go say chat with them. The plan seemed perfect, at the time. We had gotten a few good words in with the ladies when my friend decides to toss me a long one, as I'm all the way across the pool from him. He throws the football, and it goes long, way out of the pool area. Oh well, I go and get the ball, and I start running back to throw the ball right back at him. That is where I made my mistake.

The two girls had left their rather slick bathing suits on the pool edge, and as I threw the ball, I slipped and hit my head on the pavement, instantly knocking me out cold. When I awaken, I find myself laying next to the girl, out cold as well. My friends had moved the two of us out of the pool, and told me that when I threw the football, it was just out of reach of his catching distance, and it skipped across the water, NAILING the girl in the back of the head, with a pig-skin football. She immediatly fell to the ground, knocking her out cold. If it at all matters, I still got to have my few words with the girls, regardless of the cost:)

thesaucier

04-06-2004, 10:43 PM

Question: What's the difference between going to jail and installing a new Microsoft product on your computer? Answer: When you go to jail you get one free phone call.

xboy

04-06-2004, 10:54 PM

Here is another one from me:

A customs-house officer seached a very sexy young lady for weapons, bombs and etc. The quicky hands of the officer came to the incredible breasts of the young lady. He grind them and in a moment his palms froze! The officer bunumb himself, and broke into a cold sweat. The women screamed : Help! What are you doing, Idiot! Get your hand out of there! In this moment the officer said embarrased: To take them off, but i can't. I've pushed two buttons and I'm scared something not to explode!

NeGe0

04-06-2004, 11:05 PM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

Mage

04-07-2004, 12:00 AM

Hire is some

This Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.

This Mama is so fat, that when I put her on the family tree the branch broke

This mama is so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook

This mama is so stupid that she jumped off a cliff and stopped for directions.

This mama is so stupid, she has a glass door with a peep hole.

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me â€œTony Blair.â€ Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her â€œGordon Brown.â€ We take care of your needs, so we'll call you â€œthe People.â€ We'll call the maid â€œthe Working Class,â€ and your baby brother we can call â€œthe Future.â€ Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once

Bluesman

04-07-2004, 12:38 AM

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

:banana:

T07N

04-07-2004, 01:23 AM

Another true funny story that happened to me.

Alright I went to the gym one afternoon to buff up right. While I was doing some benchies my stomach was starting to ache up. I wanted to go #2 or something, but I hated to go in public bathrooms. So I thought I should hold it in and work out for 30 more minutes until I get home. So while I was doing my benchies...

I remember doing some reps

5...
6...
7....

FARTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

I let out a BIGGGGG FART and everyone in the gym looked at me. I WAS SOOO EMBARRASSED!!!! I swore I heard echoes when I let out the nuke. Good thing was I didn't shet in my pants lol. I'm a little big for that but anywho, that's my embarrassing/funny story. Laugh it off.

I left the gym right after ofcourse. I farted then ran out the building... I'm a loser....

but hopefully I win this contest lol.

Pha_Q

04-07-2004, 02:08 AM

K, i have a great story, but its way to long to tell, about when my friend and I called Compaq/HP tech support on how to overclock a compaq machine one time when we were drunk. we had the rep email us a copy of the chat, so i'll have to see if we still got it, other wise i'm S.O.L. with it. so in the mean time, here is my joke, and i know its probably to dirty, but anyway, its not what i really want to post but its all i got for now.

2 guys are eating lunch at work, the first guy says to the second guy,
"If you went camping and you woke up with a bad taste in your mouth and a condomb hanging out of your bum, would you tell anybody?"

The second guy replies ,"No."

First guy says "Wanna go camping?"

All Kill3r

04-07-2004, 04:09 AM

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
> 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the Woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

:owned: :ROTF::ROTF::ROTF:

DjTonic

04-07-2004, 05:12 AM

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

:D :D :D

rundymc

04-07-2004, 05:18 AM

and another one

there were these three surgeon's- best of their breed, cream of the crop
the first one said:- 'I'm the best surgeon in the world, a man was hit buy a truck running at 200mph, all his limbs and his heart were reduced to a mush. I fixed it, and today he's the winner of the Olympic Marathon!'

the second surgeon said:- 'you're kidding yourself. A boy had 3/4 of his brain shot out with a double barreled shot-gun; his heart blown out with a magnum, and his arse chopped off with a katana. I patched the kid up and now he's has a doctorate in supercomputing science from MIT, won the MVP in the NFL, and holds the record in the 100m sprint.'

the third surgeon laughed and said:- 'you guys suck. A cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode his horse face first into a freight train. I only had the horse's ass and a cowboy's hat to work with, and now he's the president of the United States.'

:banana: :smileysex :toast:

DjTonic

04-07-2004, 05:51 AM

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, â€œGeez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.â€
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, â€œSay what breed is that anyway?â€

The owner says, â€œUntil I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.â€

And Second one :D

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

:banana: :D :toast:

TechTones

04-07-2004, 06:19 AM

Guy goes to a hooker.

She says no can do since I'm on the rag and no back door since I have hemorroids.

He says please, I'll pay big.

Thern she gets on her knees and takes out her false eye.

"Stick it there she says"

The guys says ya sure? No problem then and proceeds to screw her eye socket.

When finished he says wow, "this was the first time I ever f**ked someone's brains out"

She says it was great for her too...

After he paid her good and was leaving she says,

"Hey, come back anytime...I'll keep an eye out for you"....

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:42 AM

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:43 AM

CAKE OR BED?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...........

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:44 AM

A little Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your
father"

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm
a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your
grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmotherâ€™s room and says, "Look
granny, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and
sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn
anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only
been white for five minutes and I already hate you f**k**g Indians.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:45 AM

THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO 2 SEMI-FINALISTS: A YALE GRADUATE AND A NEWFOUNDLANDER. THEY WERE GIVEN A SINGLE WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD "TIMBUKTU.'".

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE .HE STEPPED UP TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:

"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU."

THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!

NO WAY COULD THE NEWFIE TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT THE NEWFOUNDLANDER CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.

THE NEWFIE WON HANDS DOWN.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:46 AM

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." -Good start.

10. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" -They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:47 AM

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said, "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four-point buck. The captain and chief asked, "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer." He came back a half-hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said, "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "What happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:48 AM

A middle-aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:50 AM

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the
WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:50 AM

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name mount & Do.

MACMAC

04-07-2004, 07:48 AM

A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

xboy

04-07-2004, 07:57 AM

Tech Support for Knights !

Support: Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?
Customer: Yesterday I've bought your sword...
S: Congratulations, sir, you've made the right choice!
C: It doesn't work.
S: What does it mean - doesn't work?
C: It doesn't cut the dragon's head.
S: Have you read the manual, sir?
C: A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour- bearer has read it for me aloud twice.
S: Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?
C: Yes.
S: Is that really so? Check it again, please.
C: I've done it, I say to you!
S: Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.
C: Ough!
S: You shouldn't do it with your finger, sir.
C: What thinger? I've done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.
S: You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term 'sharp' means here...
C: I'm not obliged to know you technical terms! I'm a user, not a hardware specialist. You'd better answer why doesn't it work!
S: Did it work before?
C: I don't know, I've bought it only yesterday!
S: Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?
C: No!
S: Are you sure?
C: Well, I only took it out of the sheath.
S: Did you try to grind it yourself?
C: What for?
S: You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?
C: No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!
S: Maybe it's the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?
C: I've downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!
S: I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.
C: What sources?! I'm in the desert!
S: Don't be so nervous, sir.
C: I'm not nervous!
S: Then why do you pant?
C: Because the dragon is chasing me!
S: Oh, so the dragon is near you?
C: Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!
S: Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.
C: And what if he bites my arm off?
S: Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.
C: Next time I'll buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!
S: Well... okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.
C: Well, he is such... yellow... with a red moustache...
S: It's clear now. You should begin with it. It's a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.
C: And?
S: Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesn't guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.
C: And what shall I do?
S: Don't use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.
C: Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!!...
S: Sir? Sir, are you okay?... Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.

sllywhtboy

04-07-2004, 09:10 AM

i dont post here much but i read alot, especially lmao'ing at the the joke thread in wampeteers.. here goes:<blockquote>A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey hops off the mans shoulder and scurries down the bar to where the drinks are mixed. There he finds a tray with olives in it. The monkey eats them all. He then eats all the lemon wedges, then the cherries.
After all of the trays are empty, the monkey scurries down the bar and leaps across to the pool table where he snatches up the cueball and eats that. The bartender says to the man "Did you see that?" The man says "See what?" The bartender says "Your monkey. First he ate all my olives, lemons and cherries.... and now he's ate my cueball." the man said "Don't suprise me, the litle :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: eats everything. Don't worry I'll pay for anything he eats." The man finishes his drink, pays the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the same man re-enters the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey scurries down the bar to the trays and picks up a cherry. He then reaches around and shoves the cherry up his butt pulls it out and eats it. The bartender said "Did you see that?" The man said "See what?" The bartender said "Your monkey, he just shoved one of my cherries up his butt then ate it!" The man said "Don't suprise me, ever since the cueball incident he makes sure it fits first."
</blockquote>another one:<blockquote>A man goes into a bar and asks for shots of drinks, he has a shot of tequila then vomits. He has another then vomits and he does this several times. A leper comes over and says "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you sick"
"no" the man says "it's the guy next to you dipping his chips in your neck."</blockquote>last one, unless i remember more:<blockquote>Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."</blockquote>--slly

** edit: oops, sorry.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:18 AM

Farmer Garge lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer Garge called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING"

Three days later Farmer Garge called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY"

That really sped them up. So Farmer Garge called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the Farmer Garge do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Garge.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Garge a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh,I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Garge's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS"

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:20 AM

An Nova Scotian, Ontarian & a Newfie were in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Nova Scotian cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Nova Scotian calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
The Nova Scotian calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Bluenose Beer from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Bluenoseand takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.

The Ontarian then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Ontarian beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Molson Canadian for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Nova Scotian and
shakes it, thanking him for the Bluenose. When he lets go, the Nova Scotian gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone."
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Ontarian, thanking him for the Molson Canadian. Upon letting go, the Ontarianâ€™s eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face. "Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers Compensation."

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:23 AM

Dear Diary...

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with
their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me".

I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking "What was her first clue?".

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.........

I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00, a pair to which I say ok. And then now go to the jewelry Dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you........ she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2008.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:24 AM

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.
The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir, he asked the second man.
"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clichÃ© for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" said the Newfie.
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Newfie. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I crapped myself!"

MACMAC

04-07-2004, 09:26 AM

While I was flying down the road yesterday ("only" 20 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot assh0le?"

I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:26 AM

A young Newfoundlander moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."
Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid (of course) so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend shot- you might as well go fishin"

Elisha

04-07-2004, 09:27 AM

A Blonde decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water. When she went down to the docks to do the deed but a handsome young Newfie sailor noticed her tears.
He and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you can keep me happy."
The blonde shook her head yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?", the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe."
"Lady," explained the captain, "This is the Newfoundland ferry."

DjTonic

04-07-2004, 09:30 AM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!" :lol:

Mini

04-07-2004, 10:26 AM

HARD-DISK Woman
- She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman
- She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.>

WINDOWS Woman
- Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right,
but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman
- They say she can do a lot of things but you
mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
- She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman
- Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman
- Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
- She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
- She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman
- Every ten things she says, eight are
nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
- Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting
her, she comes,installs herself and uses all your
resources.

If you try to uninstall her you will lose something,

if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything...

xboy

04-07-2004, 10:54 AM

Crazy Laws from Iowa :

It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

Dubuque:
Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

Indianola:
The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

Fort Madison:
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Marshalltown:
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants

Ottumwa:
Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

xboy

04-07-2004, 10:57 AM

Mum's Dictionary

ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE": Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mum's other name.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football,wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

xboy

04-07-2004, 11:02 AM

Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say...

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

4. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!

5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

7. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.

10. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)

OCme

04-07-2004, 11:15 AM

A father and son were in a pharmacy one day and the son pointed to the condom display and asked his father the following question. Dad, what is a 3-pack of condoms was used for?

The dad replied, son that is for High School boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one Sunday night.

Oh, I see, said the little boy.

The little boy then looked at the display again and asked, dad what is the 6-pack of condoms for then?

The dad thought for a moment and said, well son that is for college boys, one for Friday morning and one for Friday night, one for Saturday morning and one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday morning and one for Sunday night.

Oh, I see, said he little boy.

A little while later the little boy said, dad well what is the 12-pack of condoms for then?

Without hesitation the father said those are for married men son, one for January, one for February, one for March...

:p:

sllywhtboy

04-07-2004, 12:57 PM

and more... i hope to not offend. if you are offended please click here (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/7822/).<blockquote>There was a blonde in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat, when another blonde drove by. The blonde in the car got out and hollered to the other one, 'It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and teach you a lesson.' </blockquote>another<blockquote>how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
.
..
...
pick him up & suck his d!@#
</blockquote>more:<blockquote>how do you get a clown to stop smiling at you?
.
..
...
hit him in the face with an axe.</blockquote>tasteless:<blockquote> how did hellen keller break her arm?
.
..
...
she tried to read a stopsign at 40mph.</blockquote>

--slly

Fafnir1

04-07-2004, 01:57 PM

This middleaged man is driving home one night and driving a bit fast when behind him he sees the lights of a police cruiser behind him. Having had a bad day at the office, he punches it and for 30 seconds feels cool then deciedes this is foolish as he can outrun neither a radio or a cell phone.
Pulling the car over the officer gets out and asks for the mans license and registration, and then says " Look. it's the end of my shift. If you can tell me an excuse why you were speeding that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go. " The middleaged man pauses and then looks the officer dead in the eye and says "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back".

CrunchTime

04-07-2004, 02:05 PM

I flew to Malaysia to pick up a fresh 3.0C SL6WU stepping, only to realize it taps out at 240 FSB! ... This is definately going to be one hell of an RMA process.

Eh, I didn't really do this - April Fools.

Fafnir1

04-07-2004, 02:07 PM

This past February I took this dial up support call:
Tech:"Tech Support can I help you?"
User: "Yes, I just got a new computer and I need to set it up."
Tech "OK, this will just take a few minutes. Is this Windows XP?"
User: "yes it is"
Tech "great, ok I need you to ........" and completed the internet connection wizard for XP. After this was completed, I asked " what did you do with your old machine? " Expecting to hear 'I gave it to my (add your favorite relative here) ' i recieved quite a shock when I heard " It's bagged up on the front porch. It got a virus and I didn't want anyone else to get it."
Swear to God. Cross my heart.

Pha_Q

04-07-2004, 02:08 PM

Here's my worst true story, i'm Sprayed89.

maybe this will make you guys feel sorry and just give me the prize.

http://www.stlmustangs.com/forums/index.php?act=ST&f=5&t=15383&st=0#entry167776

Elisha

04-07-2004, 04:15 PM

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up >his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy". "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President, when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume, George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a >question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve". "And what is your question, Steve?". "I have 5 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

Pha_Q

04-07-2004, 04:21 PM

BAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAH Elisha that joke 0wnz

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:42 PM

Why did God create economists?
To make weatherman look good.

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:45 PM

The 200 yr old man was presented at a press conference and was questioned by reporters.
"How did you live to be 200 rs old?" one asked.

"it's actually quite simple," the ancient fellow replied. "I never, ever argue."

"That can't be right," the reporter said. "It has to be something else, like exercise, or your diet, or abstinence, or meditation. It doesn't make any sense," he insisted. "Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 200 years."

The old man stared at the young reporter for a few seconds. Finally, he spoke. "Maybe you're right."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:47 PM

An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in exchange for his exemplary behavior the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared.

The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. one colleague said, "Say something wise."

The dean sighed and said, "I should have take the money."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:48 PM

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered, "undress you, lick you from head to toe, and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hellos?"

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:50 PM

In a formal dinner,aa gentleman saw a beautiful charming young lady sitting across from him not far away, and he said,
"If your left leg is summer and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you when school starts (autumn)?"

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:52 PM

Concerned that his wife was experiencing some hearing loss, Al consulted a doctor. The physician suggested a simple test to determine how bad the problem was.

That evening Al found his wife at the stove, her back to him. "Hi, honey," Al said in a normal speaking voice. "What's for dinner?" No response.

He took a few steps in, as the doctor advised, and said again, "Hon, what's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Stepping up directly behind his wife, he leaned forward and loudly repeated, "What's for dinner?"

His wife spun around. "For the third time--meat loaf, you deaf bastard!"

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 04:53 PM

A man went to a therapist and said, "Please you have to help me. Every night my wife goes to Larry's Bar to pick up men. What should I do?"

"Just relax," his therapist said, "take a deep breath and tell me where Larry's Bar is."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:02 PM

A young couples are one the beach one day, suddenly, a bee flew into the girl's vagina.
The guy quickly wrap her up with a towel and drove to a hospital.

The doctor said the bee can't be taken out with tools because it went too deep inside. He suggested the guy to put some honey on his penis head, insert it and try to attract the bee. He reminded him that once he feel pain, pull out.
However, he was so nervous that he couldn't get an erection.

Therefore, the doctor suggested, "If you two don't mind, I can have a try at this."
Under deperate situation, the couples agreed.
The doctor quickly took off his pants, put on honey, and started thrusting. After a few minutes, nothing seems to be happening, so the guy asks the doctor, "How's it coming?"

THe doctor replied, "Change of plans, I decided to drown the bee."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:09 PM

Walking through the living room of her apartment, the young woman noticed the window washer's platform inch slowly down to her tenthfloor level. Feeling mischievous, she began a slow, sensuous dance as he came fully into view. Getting no reaction, the woman stripped down to her underwear, adding more suggestive movements to her gyrations.

When the fellow continued his work unfazed by her performance, she slipped out of her bra and panties and launched into a down-and-dirty bump and grind. At last he knocked on the window and gestured for her to come nearer.

"What's the matter, lady," he hollered, "never seen a window washer before?"

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:11 PM

Two psychiatrists were talking shop over coffee.
"I have a patient with a split personality," one remarked delightedly.

"That's not so uncommon," the other replied.

"Yeah, but in this case," the first said with a grin, "they both pay."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:13 PM

"I'm baffled by your orange penis," the doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"

The concered fellow shook his head.

"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"

"I don't work. I'm retired."

"Well, what do you do all day?"

"Oh, mostly sit around watching :banana::banana::banana::banana:o tapes, eating Cheetos."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:14 PM

From the day of their wedding two years before, Maggie had been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Honey," he said, "if I told you, you'd just get mad."

"No, I promise I won't. Please," she pleaded.

"Well, OK. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven...."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:17 PM

"I've got good news and bad news," the lawyer told his client, a convicted murderer. "The bad news is that they're still going to electrocute you at sunrise tomorrow."

"Jesus! What's the good news?"

"I got the voltage reduced."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:21 PM

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a lightpole, several bystanders ran over to help. A woman was first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in, pushed her back and barked, "Step aside, lady. I've had a course in first aid."

The woman watched his procedures for a few minutes, and then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me, but when you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm right here."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:22 PM

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep

Charles Wirth

04-07-2004, 05:26 PM

Lots of great entries, gonna be a hard decision to pick the best.

Elisha

04-07-2004, 05:28 PM

feel free to pick me fugger!
need some cooling upgrades.

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:29 PM

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:32 PM

A woman was selling pretzels on a New York City street when a man came by, put down 25 cents and walked away without taking a pretzel. The next day, the man again put down a quarter and again walked away without a pretzel. The same thing happened for 3 months.

One day the fellow left his 25 cents and began to walk away as usual when the woman shouted, "Mister, just a second."

"I knew you'd eventually ask why I never take a pretzel," he said with a smile.

"No," she replied. "I just want you to know that the pretzels are now 35 cents."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:32 PM

What's safe sex to a politician?

No press

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:33 PM

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?

Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:34 PM

A Texas oilman settled back for his annual dental checkup. After completing a thorough examination, the dentist had good news. "Henry, your teeth are in great shape. There isn't a thing we need to do to them."

"Drill anyway, Doc," the Texan insisted.
"I feel lucky today."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:37 PM

The attorney was briefing Mrs. Harris before calling her to testify. "You must swear to God to tell the truth," the lawyer warned.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, I'm to swear to tell all the truth."

"Have you any idea what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied, "I expect that our side will win."

naughty_guy

04-07-2004, 05:38 PM

What happens when you plan a threesome and one more woman walks into the bedroom?

She divorces you.

Synamin

04-07-2004, 05:45 PM

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes.

The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

Synamin

04-07-2004, 05:46 PM

HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

(49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!

Elisha

04-07-2004, 06:39 PM

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling
his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of
jewelry, he heard an eerie voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.
Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around
the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his
imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for
another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again
heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads
of sweat popped out on his brow. He turned the flashlight on again and
the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and
noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered
a parrot in the cage.

"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'' asked the man.
"Because I felt that you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.

By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little
irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the
living daylights out of him.

"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Hah," the man said, guffawing.
"What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

The Parrot replied, "The same kind of people that would name their
Rottweiler Jesus".

ZengiR

04-07-2004, 06:46 PM

This happened when I was out in a club one night. There were some girls sitting at a table, laughing and talking. They we're pretty hot as well. Anyways, there was an empty chair at their table, so I walked to them and asked if the chair was taken. They said no and giggled, and I said, "Okey". Then i just picked the chair up and walked away to my friends table. Damnit those girls looked suprised. :)

faruquehabib

04-07-2004, 06:57 PM

Originally posted by ZengiR
This happened when I was out in a club one night. There were some girls sitting at a table, laughing and talking. They we're pretty hot as well. Anyways, there was an empty chair at their table, so I walked to them and asked if the chair was taken. They said no and giggled, and I said, "Okey". Then i just picked the chair up and walked away to my friends table. Damnit those girls looked suprised. :)

:slap:

Kazoo

04-07-2004, 07:50 PM

One thing I know for certain, I will never look at a squirrel the same way again! LOL

chilly1

04-07-2004, 07:56 PM

Very good jokes Keep em comming.....:) :) :) :) :) :)

STEvil

04-07-2004, 08:42 PM

Ok, got a couple comming up, but remember these are situational things ;)

#1

Ever been on a long trip on a motorcycle? Older hardtail Harley Davidson's have a tendancy to shake you enough that everything from your butt down is numb (dont ask about females, they have enough problems with any bike).

Anyways, sometimes several bikers will start a pool on who will forget to put their legs out at a stop and fall over.

STEvil

04-07-2004, 08:48 PM

#2

My parents used to hold an "IWAG" (International What A Guy) party for bikers (rules: No criminal record, must donate at least $20 that will be put towards a chosen charity), but havent done so for a couple years.

My dad currently has the nickname "Spew" and with good reason. At one of these parties he bet one of his friends that was eating pie he couldnt spit the pie and hit his face from 20 feet (imagine ~120 bikers all busy partying, etc.. ;)). Anyways, the challenged friend took him up on the bet and won. The reason my dad has the nickname "spew" though is because he held his mouth open like a bullseye and the pie hit it perfectly, causing him to throw up.

(see? They're situational!)

Quine

04-07-2004, 09:51 PM

Argument with these rules instantly revokes your identity as a man. Youâ€™re no longer a man and youâ€™re out of the man club.

1.) It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

- After wrecking your boss' car.

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

- When she is using her teeth.

2.) Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

3.) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4.) If you've known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5.) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6.) No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.

7.) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8.) When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9.) It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

10.) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.

11.) Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12.) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13.) If a Man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

14.) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15.) A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

16.) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

17.) If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

18.) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

19.) Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:

- Yeah, Baby, Push it!

- C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

- Another set and we can hit the showers!

20.) Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21.) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22.) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

23.) There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever.

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULL****'.

(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

(Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.)

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F**K OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

WOLF_OF_DK

04-08-2004, 01:37 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

:D

kommando

04-08-2004, 03:52 AM

Got a few Jokes for you all :)

#1
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because
of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each,
before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for
a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line
starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The
guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

#2
So this penguin goes to this mechanics shop cuz his car is not working properly, so the mechanic says to the penguin, "This will take an hour". So off the penguin goes ot the shop, and neaturally being a penguin, he loves icecream, so he goes and buys a big tub off icecream, but because he had no hands, he gets it all over his beak and face and makes quiet a mess of himself. so an hour passes by and he returns to the mechanic, and the mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "No i just ate some icecream"

#3
Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.
"I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?
"The second is : How many seconds are there in a year?"
"The third is : What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. I expect you to do the same.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head . . .

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."
"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy."
"It's Andy??"
"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked. "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ..."
And Forrest entered Heaven

#4
On the train sits a BEAUTIFUL woman, smack bang between two blokes: one an Aussie in his wallabies jersey, and the other a Kiwi in his AllBlacks jersey, on the way to the footy.

Anyways, the two blokes eye off this woman, each thinking she's a bit of alright. All of a sudden, the train goes through a tunnel and it's pitch black for 10 seconds. During the blackout can be heard a loud kissing noise and then an almighty slap!

As soon as the train leaves the tunnel, the Kiwi can be seen with a puzzled look on his face, nursing a swelling cheek.

The Kiwi thinks to himself: "Damn, that Aussie must have tried to kiss the beautiful woman, and she thought it was me and slapped me!".

The woman thinks to herself: "Wow, that Kiwi must have tried to kiss me in the dark and kissed the Aussie by mistake, and got himself a slap!".

The Aussie, trying not to pee his pants laughing is thinking to himself: "I can't wait for another tunnel... I'm gonna kiss my hand and belt that Kiwi again!"

#5
ALL TIME CLASSIC IMHO!
Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

#6
<kommando> wtf is COD and why do you have to pay for it?

#6 Happens to be IRC quote

kommando

04-08-2004, 04:02 AM

Oh and one more for a while. If i can't use this pm me :)
The Inventor

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Pha_Q

04-08-2004, 04:02 AM

THE ALL TIME, BEST RESIGNATION LETTER EVER

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,

to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker:

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have
an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the
few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their
talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is

"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list," which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to
take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase
them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have
never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that
those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of
a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I
hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on
my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of
your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what
you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

kommando

04-08-2004, 04:10 AM

The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. â€œWhatâ€™s your name?â€

â€œMy name is Tingâ€

In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. â€œAnd whatâ€™s your name?â€

â€œMy name is Tingâ€

â€œOh yeahâ€, said the sergeant suspiciously. â€œHow come weâ€™ve just arrested Ting in the room next door?â€

â€œHe is Ru Ting, I am Wah-Ting."

Okay im out for tonight. Expect more tommorow night, muahahahahahahahahahhaah.

I won't win but laughter is the cure for everything.

thomas66

04-08-2004, 05:26 AM

I do eat a lot of beans...makes me thinking about it....

"Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party."

Exempt

04-08-2004, 05:42 AM

This is hilarious cause its actually real,

So a few years back, a bunch of my friends, my cousin and I, all went to Las vegas, our night away from our girlfriends back home. Well were out partying, bar hopping and all, and we run into this group of HOT a** chicks, but theres a catch theres on *FAT* girl with a missing tooth. So i ask my cousin George, to "take one for the team", hes so drunk he agrees. We go back to the room, were all drinking some more, play a game of strip poker, next thing you know one thing is leading to another, the whole group of us. Well we each get a girl and finish doing our "business" and were all passed out, when I hear a noise coming from the floor to my right, i look over and its my cousin George porking this fat chick doggystyle, and I mean HES REALLY going at it. I luagh to myself and pass out again. We we all start to wake up a few HOURS later, hes still there jabbing away.

So were on our drive back home to Cailfornia, and were talking about what happened, and George blurts out, " yah I porked that fat chick all night, AAANNND I didnt even wear a rubber, and i went inside her about 5 times"... there is a looooong silence.

Well to update this story, the fat chick got a hold of George about oooooh 10 months later, with his new fat kid.

Exempt

04-08-2004, 05:44 AM

heres another totally hilarious thing that happened recently,

I bought a MAC.

Exempt

04-08-2004, 05:52 AM

kk heres a real joke...

So this guy wakes up early on his Birthday morning, and is checking to see ifhis wife has anything for him, sadly ... she is still asleep. SO he gets ready for work, every now and then, giving his wife a "curious look". But still nothing, so he heads downstairs , eats his breakfast, and waits to see if his kids didi anything for his birthday. They come into the kitchen, and still nothing. So he heads to work all pissed off, mad that his own family didnt even say happy birthday.

He gets into his office and his beautiful secretary says" happy birthday boss!", which excites him to hear it from her. SHe goes on to say " Im taking you out for lunch today, for your birthday", Hes all excited , hes gonna goto lunch with his sexy secretary. Lunchtime comes and they hop into her car, and have a nice lunch at a classy resturaunt. On the way back to the office she says let me stop by my home to grab something. As they pull up to her house, she says, " why dont you come in for a second". Now hes getting even more excited. As he goes in she tells him to sit on the couch and get comfortable, while she slips into something more "relaxing". She walks away upstairs, and immediately the guy starts taking off his shirt, his pants, his underwear, and crosses his legs trying to look sexy for her. She comes back downstairs and says " Happy Birthday"... as shes followed....

by his wife...

and his son...

and his daughter....

Mini

04-08-2004, 06:31 AM

There's these three guys walking on the beach, a Mexican, a white guy, and a black guy.
So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done.
Then he says to the black guy. "What do you want?" And the black guy says "I want all my black brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa.
so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the Mexicans and blacks are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

Exempt

04-08-2004, 06:43 AM

A wife and husband are driving down a desert road, when he tells, her , " i can't stand you so much, thats why Ive been f**king your sister!!!, Enraged she grabs a knife from her purse and cuts his penis off and tosses it out the window. It lands SPLAT!! on the windshield of a truck with a Father and 5 year old daughter in it, panicking, he turns on the windshield wipers and whap whap whap, and it falls off the windshield. "Daddy!" what in the world was that!??..the 5 year old girl screams... Not wanting to scare his daughter , he says "ummm why that was just a Desert bug". The little girl says "oh..........well it sure had a big :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:!"

buff

04-08-2004, 07:49 AM

Edited by Kazoo, no personal attacks.

mrnuke

04-08-2004, 08:38 AM

TRUE STORY!!!!!!!

alright, my family and i were invited on a fishing trip with another family who had recently got a new fishing boat. As the day drug on and we had only caught a few fish, the owner of the boat gets a bite and the line takes off.... all of us kids were eager to see what he was reeling in and looked in awe as his pole almost snapped in half. as it got closer, we got a glipse of it. It was a Northern Pike. Since they have very sharp teeth he quick flipped it in the boat. All the kids gathered arround it while it flopped arround. The owner of the boat yelled "look out, it bites!" and we all backed way up. My brother got the living crap scared out of him and he went back so fast he went over the side of the boat. So the fish was in the boat, my brother was overboard and everyone was getting away from this pissed off pike. we fish my brother out of the water (still scared :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:less) and went calmly back to fishing. A few moments pass and we notice this bobber is going nuts. We all cant figure out from what pole its from. We move the boat over because its just a random bobber and we pick it up. As we pick it up theres a line attached. we started to pull the line closer and up came a fishing rod. Yes, the one my brother was holding as he went overboard, but there was something tugging on the other end. We gave the rod to my brother and had him start reeling it in. How ironic, it was another pike, he threw the rod over to my dad and ran to the other side of the boat.

thats my story

mrnuke

04-08-2004, 09:06 AM

So its a hot day out, and this pinguin is driving down the road when he realizes his oil lite is on. So he pulls off to a nearby town and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll take him about 30 min to figure out what is wrong, so the penguin realizes its a really hot day and went to go find some ice cream. So he orders a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and since he can't grip a spoon and all he has is flippers, he starts scoopin it into his mouth. He finishes the ice cream and he's all stickey from it, and its all over his flippers and face. He walks back to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies, "no, actually its just ice cream"..........

migginz

04-08-2004, 09:14 AM

Heres my story.

I was helping my old manageress move home from Lincoln to Harrogate where she managed the bar I used to work at.

All was going fine, we got there early got everything done ready to head back so we sat outside, it was a warm day, drank some cola and had a sandwich, at this point we noticed alot of wasps swarming around us.

I hate the little buggers so I slung my cola can in the corner hoping the sugary goodness would attract them away, much to my dismay, this corner was hiding the ENTIRE nest of the little blighters which was partially hidden by a small tree.

We ran in the house as they swarmed all over and then after much deliberation I tucked my trousers into my boots, put my arms in my sleeves rolled up my polo neck over my face and made a run for it.

BIG MISTAKE, as I was running a couple of them landed on my trousers, one made it way upto my crotch and thought it would be funny to sting me TWICE in the left Testicle thru my trousers as he got caught in the crease.

I screamed and hobbled to the car and got in to check my manhood only to discover I had what looked like an extra one down there.

We drove a long painful ride home and I went to the doctors where the nurse checked me out and I could see she was trying to stifle her giggles as I told her the story.

it stayed for a few days and everyone at work found it funny to call me threeball for the coming months.

I laugh now but at the time it hurt like mad.

Stang_Man

04-08-2004, 09:20 AM

a joke:

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did".

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

sllywhtboy

04-08-2004, 10:32 AM

definition of ambition: a fly crawling up an elephant's ass with rape on his mind.
---
what do elephants use for tampons? sheep.

why do elephants have trunks? sheep don't have strings.
---

--slly

sllywhtboy

04-08-2004, 10:50 AM

There is a new priest and it is his first time doing confession. One woman came in and said, "Bless me father for I have lied." Not knowing what to give her, he opens the confessional door and asks the old priest to which he said, "Give her 5 hail marys." And so he did

The next woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have stole." Once again he has to ask the old priest in which he replies, "Give her 5 Our fathers."

The last woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have given a blowjob." Still not knowing what punishment to give, he goes to ask the older priest but he is no longer there. So he asks an alter boy, "What does father give for a blowjob?"

And so the alter boy replied, "Two snickers and a cherry coke."

--slly

sllywhtboy

04-08-2004, 11:04 AM

what's the bad part about eating vegetables?
.
..
...
putting them back in their wheelchairs. :D

--slly

docah

04-08-2004, 11:09 AM

Q: How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?

A: Put a spear through it's head.

sllywhtboy

04-08-2004, 11:25 AM

q: why dont you see a lot of guys chasin after 80 yr old p:banana: :banana:sy?
a: ever taken a grilled cheese sandwich apart? ;)

--slly

docah

04-08-2004, 11:31 AM

Q: Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: From the mace.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.

docah

04-08-2004, 11:40 AM

Last week my boss's computer was acting up. He told me "They should make it so the users can reinstall the software". I told him i could give him an etch-a-sketch. Flip it over shake a little and it's a brand new install.

Dieter@be

04-08-2004, 11:45 AM

check it out peepz:

police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
_________________________
:banana: :banana: :banana:
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An English girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked?
'The one I asked for -- the English girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said, 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it's a girl'

:banana: :banana: :banana:
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Upon reaching his front door, he attempted to stand up to go in. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled
through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, 'SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!'
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,'What makes you say that, me darlin'?' 'The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.'
:banana: :banana: :banana:
next joke: one i needed to translate from dutch to english:

There is this guy, who is survivor from a cruise that sunk in the ocean. He makes it to an island. He thinks that the island is really cute and desides to explore it (he has nothing to do anyway, has he :p: ). After a while he sees a woman who "flushed" onto the shore, lying unconscious, he gives her breath and after a while, he brings her back to consciousness.
Suddenly he sees the women is Kylie Minogue!
Kylie is very gratefull to the guy for saving her life, so he says that she will do what he want (;) heh heh).

This goes well for a while ( :banana: ), but after a few weeks Kylie notices the guy has become sad. So she goes to him to ask if she could help him.

He asks her to do him a favor, he says "here, put on my clothes". She thinks its awkard, but does it anyway, then he asks her to draw a mustache and a beard on her. Now she thinks its really awkward, but she does it anyway (after all, she has already done a lot more then that, right :smileysex ). Then he says if she would run around the island in one direction, and he would do the other direction, so they would meet up at the other side.

Ok, they do that...
After an hour or so the guy runs up to her and says:
"Hey dude! You know with who I've been :banana: :banana: lately?

cheers mate :toast:
that the best one may win ;)