Joke Thread [Archive] - XtremeSystems Forums

Lady_Germ

12-03-2001, 09:44 AM

Old George
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

33rd Birthday!
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the :banana::banana::banana::banana: did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

mwahahah enjoy! enjoy!
:D :p ;) :) :D

S8N

12-09-2001, 07:12 AM

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" and the mother says, "when the baby cries."

They ask, "why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

:D

Lady_Germ

12-09-2001, 08:02 AM

A blind man and his guide dog entered a bar and found their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yelled to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" Immediately the bar became silent. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6-foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thought a moment, sighed, and replied. "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to repeat it five times."
:D :p :D :p

JAWS

12-09-2001, 09:20 PM

What's white and goes up?

A retarded snowflake.:( :(

Yes............................. ah...NO!:)

00_Punk

12-11-2001, 04:29 PM

Here's one:

There's a guy @ a bar, just looking @ his drink for about half an hour. Finally, a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the drink from the guy and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, i was just joking. Here.. I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see another man cry." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, i fall back to sleep and i'm late for work. My boss fires me. When i leave the building, i find out that my car was stolen. The police say they can't do anything. I get a cab home, and just as i get out, i remember left my wallet and credit cards in the cab, but the cab driver just drives away. I go inside and i find my wife in bed with the gardener. i leave home and come to this bar. And just when i was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"

00_Punk

12-12-2001, 07:22 PM

One of Microsofts' finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, then the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the problem must be at your end!"

JBELL

12-13-2001, 11:48 AM

what time does Michael Jackson go to bed?

...............When the big hand touches the little hand.

00_Punk

12-13-2001, 03:26 PM

Microsoft Engineer

Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up.

The first woman said, "Well, I'm married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a wonderful night of lovemaking."

The second woman said, "Well, I'm married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I've gotten used to it."

The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's gonna be."

*EDIT*
WOOHOO!!! I got the 1000th post on these forums!!!!:p :D :D

Smizack

12-21-2001, 06:46 AM

Aight, time again to start a joke thread.
So first off is a Christmas joke:

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly
Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa
**********
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget :banana::banana::banana::banana:o films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of :banana::banana::banana::banana:tail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
**********
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
***********
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
************
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

Smizack

12-21-2001, 10:04 AM

4 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked.
Later they heard a knock on the door....
"Who is it???",
The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".
So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said,
"Nice tits sisters, where do you want the blinds??"

JBELL

12-21-2001, 10:46 AM

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear

The old lady :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:es cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:s from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa some money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little :banana::banana::banana::banana:s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...I'm not IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile...parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and going SOUTH for the season!!

Smizack

12-21-2001, 11:26 AM

That was good!:D

Ed Zachery disease...

A woman goes to see a Chinese sex doctor and says "Doc, I need help. My sex life is terrible! I have been on a ton of blind dates, but I can never get the guys to sleep with me." So the doctor tells her to undress and begins to examine her. "You have ok breast, you no stinky, and no hair in funny praces, hmmm. Get on knees and crawl away from me." So she does and the doc says "now turn round and crawl back." Then the doc says, "I bereave you have bad case of Ed Zachary Disease." The woman says, "oh my God, what is that?" The doc says "your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".

Smizack

12-21-2001, 11:29 AM

I like this one...

Laid Off
A business owner realizes he has to lay off an employee. His last two hires are Jack and Eleanor.
Both employees have the same qualifications, are hard working, and both were hired on the same day.
The boss decides to lay off the first one to use the water cooler the following day. The next morning, Jack and Eleanor walk into the office. Eleanor had been out drinking the previous night and is still slightly hungover. She walks over to the water cooler to take a few aspirins.
The boss walks over to her and says, "Eleanor, I have to lay you or Jack off..."
Before he can finish, Eleanor interrupts.
"Oh, please jack off, sir. I've got this devil of a headache."

Smizack

12-28-2001, 06:38 AM

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause".

This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Unh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... a power outage? Aha, okay... we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."

S8N

12-30-2001, 02:21 AM

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

**This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia, Mississippi, and West Virginia. FLORIDA just recently also made the list
:D :D :D :( :) :rolleyes: :eek: :p

IFMU

12-30-2001, 06:48 PM

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Smizack

01-02-2002, 08:00 AM

Just say "no"

Bill takes Sue out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area.
Sue says, "My mother told me that if you pull over to a dark area, I should say no to everything."
Bill replies, "Would you mind giving me oral sex?"

JBELL

01-02-2002, 11:43 AM

A Very Puzzled Blonde

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of
the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For
heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Smizack

01-02-2002, 12:26 PM

Poke teh bunny!
It's not really a joke, but I like it.

http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html

Smizack

01-02-2002, 12:41 PM

Originally posted by JBell

hahah that was good!

Have you seen the spank the monkey page?

http://www.vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/flamjam.html (vectorlounge.com/04_amsterdam/jam/flamjam.html)

Smizack

01-02-2002, 02:26 PM

Logic...

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first,
and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Smizack

01-03-2002, 08:56 AM

Blonde.

Three women who work in the same office notice that
their female boss has
started leaving work early every day, so one day they
decide that after she
leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she
never calls or comes
back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
little gardening,
watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her health
club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as
she goes upstairs she
hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly
opens the door a crack and
is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!
Ever so gently, she
closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about
leaving early again, but
when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early
also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

JBELL

01-03-2002, 11:26 AM

This little poem came about as an exercise for multi-national translation personnel at the NATO headquarters in Paris. English wasn't so hard to learn, they found, but English pronunciation is a killer.
After trying the poem, native French interpreter said he'd prefer to spend six months at hard labor than reading six lines loud.
English is Tough Stuff
Dearest creature in creation
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I: Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar.
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and droll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangor.
Soul but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, knob, bosom, transom, oath.
Through the differences seem little,
We say actual, but also victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, Conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succor, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye.
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, brass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging.
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche!
Is it paling, stout and spiky?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough - Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advise is to give it up!!!

JBELL

01-03-2002, 11:37 AM

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

*********

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALL-MATE Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor "may I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say "Damn, this water's cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmmm, I've never seen that color before." Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feel. Sigh relaxingly. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yellow, "Whoa! Easy boy!" Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall to sleep on me now." Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

JBELL

01-03-2002, 11:42 AM

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? Roman war chariots first made the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels and wagons. Since the chariots were made for, or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's rear came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war-horses.
And now, the twist to the story... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's ass!

IFMU

01-05-2002, 03:06 AM

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch :banana::banana::banana::banana:, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around'."

IFMU

01-05-2002, 11:59 AM

Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other
direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00.
They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL".
He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Kurupt

01-06-2002, 11:56 PM

Jbell... Found a long lost link today for me =]

http://web.njit.edu/~rrs2/yatta.asf

I cant belive stuff like this is really on TV

Smizack

01-07-2002, 10:18 AM

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot find condoms on the shelves. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his d!ck on the counter and puts a five-dollar bill down next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them into the pocket of his white coat. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Smizack

01-07-2002, 10:20 AM

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered, "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

S8N

01-08-2002, 09:27 AM

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f&^%ing shoes!"

S8N

01-08-2002, 09:30 AM

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

:D

S8N

01-08-2002, 09:31 AM

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!

Smizack

01-08-2002, 12:36 PM

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John
that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John
for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax
and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside
and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over
to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,"
John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

00_Punk

01-09-2002, 12:38 AM

hehe, just found this article on the net. i feel sorry for the people that actually believe this kinda stuff... "Hackers can blow up your computer" (http://icyhotstunta.com/tmp/computer_bomb.jpg) LOL!

JBELL

01-09-2002, 12:46 AM

daym! this didn't even deserve the effort to post it!! funny though but stupid as hell!

Smizack

01-09-2002, 08:48 AM

Heh, I think someone here at Compuserve sent this to a member!

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen d*mn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bulls**t over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fu**ing answer it?
2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fu**ing line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???
4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to p*ss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.
5. DO NOT get p*ssed when we tell you that your system is royally fu**ed. We didn't f**k it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.
6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' sh*t shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the go***mned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.
9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can p¿¿¿ them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
12. DO NOT call us ¿¿¿uming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fu**ing toaster to Mexico, you can be d*mn certain it isn't us who caused it.
13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pi**es us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pi**es us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the techno bulls**t to us.
16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and ¿¿¿ess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fu**ed, it's fu**ed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fu**ed. That is of course unless you really p*ss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

I thought some others here might like it or relate to it..
And Joe, I edited it!! So, I think I need a strike taken off!!:D :D

Smizack

01-09-2002, 09:16 AM

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
>>> 9. He is one hard judge!
>>> 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
>>> 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
>>> 6. Is it a penal offense?
>>> 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
>>> 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
>>> 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
>>> 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Think you can get me off?
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>> Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
>>> 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
>>> 8. Just stick it in my box.
>>> 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
>>> 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
>>> 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
>>> 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
>>> 3. It's an entry-level position.
>>> 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
>>>
>>> And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
>>>
>>> **************************************************
>>>
>>> Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
>>>
>>> 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
>>> 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
>>> 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
>>> 7. Look at the size of his putter
>>> 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
>>> 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
>>> 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
>>> 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
>>> 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
>>>
>>>And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
>>>
>>> 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

JAWS

01-09-2002, 09:37 AM

Originally posted by Smizack

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

LOL! That's funny!:cool:

My wife works at a major call center, and sometimes they have a pervert that always calls and likes to cause trouble! I beg her to give me his number, so I can give that ******* piece of **** a call!:mad: :)

Smizack

01-10-2002, 10:27 AM

Work or Prison? You Decide

>In prison, they spend the majority of their time in a 8-by-10 cell.
>At work, I spend most of my time in a 6-by-6 cube.
>
>In prison, they get three free meals a day.
>At work, I only get a break for one meal, which I have to pay for.
>
>In prison, they get rewarded with time off for good behavior.
>At work, I get rewarded with more work for good behavior.
>
>At work, I must wear an ID badge at all times.
>In prison, they are provided with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn
>on.
>
>In prison, there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
>At work, there is a dress standard, but I must buy my own clothes.
>
>In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for them.
>At work, I must carry around a security card and lock and unlock all the
>doors myself.
>
>In prison, they can watch TV and play games.
>At work, I get fired for watching TV and playing games.
>
>In prison, they will be encouraged to learn a new career.
>At work, I must do any learning on my own time.
>
>In prison, they have an exercise room that they can use almost anytime.
>At work, I can only use the exercise room on my own time.
>
>In prison, they can fall asleep anytime and nothing happens.
>At work, if I fall asleep anytime I get fired.
>
>In prison, they have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
>At work, I get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
>
>In prison, all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
>At work, I get to pay all the expenses to go to work so I can pay taxes
>to pay for the prisoners.

Smizack

01-10-2002, 10:56 AM

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man
says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the Order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29. "I am actually 47. This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Smizack

01-10-2002, 11:20 AM

How 'bout some Darwin Awards?

On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted
murderer once on death row, but later serving a life
sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was
electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he
watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.

NOMINEE #10 ["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec.
4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion
Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette
lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was
killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in
his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home
about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been
firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into
the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE #11 [AP, Mammoth Lakes]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding
down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department.

The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad
removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was
probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.

NOMINEE #12 -
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central
Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate
as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old
man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one
end of which they attached to a net and the other to a
high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news
agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as
saying. "For a while everything went according to the
poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a
certain moment the man holding the net tripped and
fell into the water," the agency said. The other
poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.

NOMINEE 13 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag
standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was
killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE 14 [¿¿¿ociated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A
man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as
a prank during a party.

AND THE NEWEST CANDIDATES: John Pernicky
and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington.
Having no tickets, but 18 beers among them they sat
in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided
that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine foot
high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends
pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop
over, and then ¿¿¿ist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, the Fence was a 30 foot drop
on the other side. Having heaved himself over he
found himself crashing through a tree, falling to the
ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large
branch which had been snagged by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John
looked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free,
John crashed below into holly bushes, The sharp
leaves scratched his whole body, and now being
without his shorts he was the unwilling victim of a
holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make
matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with
him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing
his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided
to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However,
weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best
course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck.

This is when things went really bad.

Sal in his drunken state, put the truck into the wrong
gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash
through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal
was thrown from the truck, suffered m¿¿¿ive internal
injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a
pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man
with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his butt, a
knife in his thigh and a pair of shorts dangling from
the trees 25 feet in the air.

Smizack

01-24-2002, 10:23 AM

ad slogans

This supposedly was a real event that took place in a

consulting firm in Chicago.

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer,
who understood the benefits of having fun, told the
burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising
slogans."

Dividing into 10 groups of three,the only rule was
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the
essence of Viagra.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their
suggestions, and created a
"Top Ten List." After all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.
Any questions?

Smizack

01-24-2002, 01:24 PM

Drivers Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

IFMU

01-25-2002, 09:27 AM

Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!

Smizack

01-25-2002, 10:15 AM

Originally posted by IFMU
Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in
the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a
Mercedes, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner. I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked
back she was half way over in my lane, still putting on that dang
makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of
trying to straighten out my Corvette with my knees against the
steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell
into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!

Damn! Is your cell phone aight?

Smizack

02-08-2002, 09:08 AM

Subject: A NEW METHOD
>
> Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the
> trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
> drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
>
> Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
> begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
> that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at
> her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
> "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
> her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the
> back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs
> his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her
> back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
> and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
> breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and
> takes a drink from his beer.
>
> His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
> Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

:D I haven't tried that one.... Yet..

JBELL

02-13-2002, 09:20 AM

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS
APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -Noah,
4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,
1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of
Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole
in the head!" - JFK, 1963

And,.....drum roll........

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F"
word.................

Aw c'mon Monica . Who the @#$% is going to find out?"-
Bill Clinton, 1997

DaGooch

02-19-2002, 09:07 AM

Old but funny
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/britney_breasts.asp

IFMU

02-20-2002, 12:14 AM

Are you Smart enough?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry
what is your problem?" Harry answered,"I'm too smart
for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
ten questions wrong myself."

Smizack

02-21-2002, 06:34 AM

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

Smizack

02-22-2002, 08:31 AM

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

:D :D

JBELL

02-22-2002, 09:50 AM

ever try this one?

JBELL

02-22-2002, 09:56 AM

we have all been there!

Smizack

02-22-2002, 12:36 PM

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. Bartender looks at him and asks what he needs. Guys says:

"Beer for me, and one for the road"

Attitudx

02-28-2002, 05:57 AM

Choose Your Condom"

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's thats simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than eve! r.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little long! er.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.

Attitudx

02-28-2002, 05:58 AM

Beer Truck
Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___| )
(@!)!(@)"""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It is an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.

Smizack

02-28-2002, 06:47 AM

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?He did okay until his business fell off.

Q: What do poker and sex have in common?
A: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

The Good, The bad, The ugly:

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several :banana::banana::banana::banana: movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your teenage daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Smizack

03-04-2002, 11:59 AM

http://www.realultimatepower.net/

This site is funny as hell!

JBELL

03-08-2002, 01:07 AM

http://www.wsu.edu/~brentd/godkills.jpg

JBELL

03-08-2002, 08:19 AM

be patient - this is an audio file

http://207.36.66.38/enron/index.htm

Smizack

03-14-2002, 10:16 AM

Aight found a funny pic or two...

Smizack

03-14-2002, 10:21 AM

And if someone says this to you:

Smizack

03-14-2002, 10:22 AM

You can reply with this:

JBELL

03-14-2002, 09:49 PM

George Carlin for president!

http://www.georgecarlin.com/georgecarlin/dirty/2443.html

Smizack

03-15-2002, 09:18 AM

Redneck Virgin

Two rednecks fall in love and get married and they go on their honeymoon. The man comes back home without his wife.

One of his family members asks, "Where is your wife?" He answers, "Well, she was a virgin so I killed her."

The family member asked, in shock, "Why did you kill her jut because she's a virgin?!?"

The redneck replies, "If she isn't good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours."

Smizack

03-15-2002, 12:29 PM

LMAO!!

Just had to post this joke:

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

JBELL

03-16-2002, 04:53 PM

couldn't say it better myself

Smizack

03-18-2002, 11:54 AM

You post whore!!:p :p

Smizack

03-18-2002, 12:20 PM

This is one of my all-time favorites!

JBELL

03-19-2002, 08:23 PM

Every 14th of february men get the chance to display fondness for their wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret... guys really don't enjoy this that much.

Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration.

Another secret... guys feel left out. That's right ... left out. there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 2oth is now officially ''Steak and BJ Day''.
Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town - the name of the holiday explains it all... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

sincerly;
JBELL

JBELL

03-20-2002, 08:32 PM

all too true!

JBELL

03-21-2002, 10:28 AM

follow up!

Smizack

03-26-2002, 09:39 AM

Q. Why did the former :banana::banana::banana::banana: actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A. Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

JBELL

03-26-2002, 09:48 AM

Wife asks her husband to go to the store and buy her some tampons, he agrees.
Once he gets to the store he realizes he doesn't knwo what they are.. so he asks the lady at the counter and she directs to the back of the store. several minutes go buy and the husband finally returns to the checkout line. Only he isn't carrying tampons but instead several bags of cotton balls and string and other items... the lady perplexed asks '' did you find everything sir?'' trying to be polite.. The husband replies, ''sure did, last week I sent my wife to buy me some cigerettes and she came back with roll paper and a bag of tabacco becuase it was cheaper, I figure if I have to roll my own she has to roll her own!''

Smizack

03-26-2002, 09:58 AM

Heh! That'll learn her! :p

Top Five's Things to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You
10> "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
9> "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
8> "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
7> "So, twenty bucks then?"
6> "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
5> "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
4> "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."
3> "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine?!?"
2> "Look, do you want that raise or not?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Clever Thing to Say to Convince Your Lover to Go Down on You...
1> "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"

Smizack

03-26-2002, 10:00 AM

RUNNERS UP list
1."C'mon -- it's too short to trigger your gag reflex."
2."Darling, every time I look into your eyes I see a future that stretches before me like a golden highway resplendent with the promise of a love more deeply fulfilling than I have ever known or ever will know. You are the piece of my soul that has been missing for so many years, and I treasure every moment with you. That being said, how 'bout a hummer?"
3."Look, it likes you! It's waving at you!"
4."No, seriously... like *zero* calories."
5."Studies have shown performing oral sex may help in the fight against gingivitis and tooth decay. No, really!"

Smizack

03-27-2002, 08:39 AM

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. Two received C's, the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree! We'll grab her...," said the second.
"Yeah," said the third, "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

Smizack

03-28-2002, 08:52 PM

What's gonna happen for Easter now???

Smizack

03-28-2002, 08:58 PM

http://www.pleurion.com/seventies/

ROTFLMAO!!

Smizack

04-08-2002, 10:01 PM

Quotes from "Jaws" in which 'shark' has been replaced by 'lesbian.'

1. "Understand you're having a little lesbian trouble."
2. "Don't know what that bastard lesbian's gonna do with it. Might eat it I suppose."
3. "So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men come out. The lesbian took the rest, June 29, 1945."
4. "You see a barracuda, everyone says, 'Huh? What?' You yell 'lesbian,' we've got a panic on our hands on the 4th of July."
5. "Why don't we have one more drink and go down there and cut that lesbian open?"
6. "In recent days a cloud has appeared on the horizon at this beautiful resort community; a cloud in the shape of a killer lesbian."
7. "I'm not saying that this is not a lesbian. It probably is, Martin. It probably is."

Smizack

04-08-2002, 10:14 PM

Johnny is a 3rd grader and every Thursday at the end of the day his teacher asks the class a question. If anyone in the class can answer the question they dont have to come to class on Friday.

Since it is a big reward the question is always nearly impossible. The first week the teacher asked the question, "How much water is in the ocean?" All of the kids in the class guessed at the question but none of them were right.

The next week the teacher asked the question, "How many starts there in the sky?" Again everyone in the classroom guessed an answer but no one got to skip class the next day.

Now Johnny got to thinking and he really wanted to be able to stay home next Friday. So the night before the teacher asked the question Johnny got a couple of golfballs and spray painted them black.

Then the next day the teacher was getting ready to ask the difficult question. Right as the teacher said, "Here is the question for this week..." Johnny rolled the golfballs onto the floor up to the teachers feet.

Startled and a bit angry the teacher demanded, "All right! Who is the comedian with the black balls??"

Johnny stood up and said, "Chris Rock, and I'll see you Monday."

Smizack

04-16-2002, 08:57 AM

The Beer Drinker's Warm-up Song

DOUGH... the stuff, that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one, who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long way to the beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... La la la la la beer
TEA...... no thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will leave me with no DOUGH.....

Smizack

04-16-2002, 11:52 AM

Some now ones. hehehe

Bumper Stickers:
Constipated People Don't Give A Sh*t.
Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
If You Can Read This, The :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: Fell Off.
Fight Crime ... Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge. (Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant)
Don't Be Sexist. Broads Hate That.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

Smizack

04-16-2002, 06:30 PM

LMAO!!

A little girl walks into a pet shop and...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on
her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a
soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fluck!"

JBELL

04-30-2002, 01:55 AM

ode to protein folding.

Original
Oh baby, baby Oh baby, baby, How was I supposed to know That something wasn't right here Oh baby baby I shouldn't have let you go, And now you're out of sight, yeah Show me, how you want it to be, Tell me baby 'Cause I need to know now what we've got My loneliness is killing me I must confess, I still believe When I'm not with you I lose my mind Give me a sign Hit me baby one more time

New Words
O protein Protein, how was i supposed to fold, when p4 wasnt powerful enough, oh hairpin hairpin, my p4 has to go, and amd is in your place now, show me how fast my XP folds, show me baby because p4 blows, because this protein A is killing me, but i must confess i still believe, when im not with my AMD I lose my mind, FOLD ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Smizack

04-30-2002, 08:40 PM

LMF'NAO!! I was reading the first paragraph, and was like WTF? isn't that how the song goes? HAHAHAA!

Here's one I get everyone with. It's usually pretty easy to bring up.

"Hey did you know I had Polio when I was a kid?"

Them "really???"

"Yeah, I still got a scar from it..... One of my legs is shorter than the other 2"

They'll get it a few minutes later.. heh.

Smizack

05-07-2002, 06:22 AM

THE MAN CODE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat .

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULL:banana::banana::banana::banana: . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
" Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

IFMU

05-08-2002, 01:59 AM

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

IFMU

05-08-2002, 02:00 AM

A clergyman, walking down a country road, sees a young farmer struggling to right a wagon that was tipped upside down.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "He's under the wagon."

IFMU

05-08-2002, 02:00 AM

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young kid came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young kid was riding his bicycle when he spotted the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!" the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

IFMU

05-08-2002, 02:01 AM

A man and his wife went to a fair. The man, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$20 for 3 minutes." the pilot replied.

"That's too much." said the man.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."

The man and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the man, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the man, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

IFMU

05-08-2002, 02:01 AM

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of a moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose 'love call'. Soon, their call was answered by bull in the forest.
Again they called, and the bull answered came crashing out of the woods and steamed toward the hunters. As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the man in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him!"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

Smizack

05-13-2002, 12:24 PM

A couple had been married 20 years, and every time the couple made love the husband insisted on shutting the lights off. Well after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night while they were in the middle of making love, she turned the lights on.She looked down and saw her husband holding a cucumber. "You impotent bastard!!" she yelled" How could you have lied to me all these years? You had better explain yourself!!"The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said, "I'll explain the cucumber if you explain the three kids."

IFMU

05-14-2002, 09:37 PM

A woman is lying in a bed in a hospital after recently giving birth and her new born baby is asleep in the cradle beside her when the doctor walks into the room. The doctor picks up the baby, throws it in the air - letting it land on the floor. He picks it up again and throws it against the walls a couple of times before drop-kicking it out the window.

"My baby, My baby" The woman screamed with horror. "You killed my baby!".

To which the doctor replied. "Ha ha, April fools it was already dead!"

IFMU

05-15-2002, 01:42 AM

IRS
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
**POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

IFMU

05-15-2002, 01:46 AM

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Smizack

05-19-2002, 12:01 AM

Taliban joke:

So this large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

“One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!”

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!”

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!”

JBELL

05-24-2002, 09:01 AM

A rich white guy in Louisiana decided that he wanted
to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and
neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token black guy
in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of
his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking,
dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting
with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich white dude said,
"I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll
give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to
jump in."

The words were barely out of the rich white dude's
mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned
around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff
like head butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on
the tail and flipping the gator through the air like
some kind of Japanese Judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to
the bottom like a Wal-Mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I
reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a million
bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche,
a Rolex and some stock options?"

The brother said "No."

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the mother :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana: who
pushed me in the pool.":o

SOCOM

06-25-2002, 12:27 PM

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "my son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

-SOCOM

SOCOM

06-25-2002, 12:29 PM

I dunno.. Thought this was worth the cut and paste..

*Man A Chemical Analysis*

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short
as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving
for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in
others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction
with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted
form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
possible.

b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those
of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable reaction style.
b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo...
c) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under
correct conditions.

-SOCOM

Smizack

06-29-2002, 09:49 AM

An old couple have been married for many years when the husband contracts a fatal illness. As he is lying on his deathbed awiting his last moments he smells the most wonderous of scents wafting up from the kitchen, the mouthwatering scent of his favourite cakes.

The smell and thought of these cakes fills him with a new lease of life along with the thought that his wife has baked his favourites as a sign of her love for him.
With his muscles and joints groaning in protest he manages to sit upright, sweat pouring down his face from the supreme effort.

He tries to get out of bed but his legs are weak and his muscles atrophied from lack of use and he collapses on the floor.

The fresh baked smell fills his nostrils once more and fills him with determination.

Inch by torturous inch he drags himself to the stairs. His heart feels like the next beat could be its last but he refuses to give up until he has tasted one of those cakes.

Eventually he makes it to the bottom of the stairs and slowly drags himself into the kitchen.

There in front of him, on the table, is a large rack of freshly baked cakes, filling the whole kitchen with their wonderous scent.

Slowly he begins to drag himself up the table until finally his prize is in his grasp. He reaches out his skeletal hand towards a cake.......when SMACK!! down comes a spoon on his knuckles, wielded by his wife.

"Hands off you greedy f**ker, those are for the funeral."

IFMU

07-11-2002, 09:14 PM

Smizack

07-11-2002, 09:49 PM

IFMU, This one's for you!;)

IFMU

07-11-2002, 09:52 PM

Originally posted by Smizack
IFMU, This one's for you!;)

LoL!!!!!

hehe... Rock on!~! :D

deerhunter

07-14-2002, 07:21 PM

http://home.attbi.com/~kev63/halo.JPG

Attitudx

07-23-2002, 04:28 AM

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given
>a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the
>doctor's office with an empty jar.
>
>"What happened?" says the doc.
>
>"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
>right hand, then her left - nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with
>teeth in, then with teeth out, still nothing. We even called Arlene, the lady
>next door, but still nothing."
>
>The doctor bursts out, " You asked your neighbor?"
>
>"Yep. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't get the damn jar open."

sjohnson

07-23-2002, 07:19 AM

A Bad Golf Day

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Tweaked!

08-04-2002, 11:11 AM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN........
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey watch this!"
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words of the Star-spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start your engines!"
You lit a match in the bathroom, and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
At some point in your life, you've been too drunk to fish.

:toast: :D :toast:

JBELL

08-04-2002, 11:44 AM

What is the diff between an eptiliptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarhea?

well the oyster shucker - shucks between fits.

sjohnson

08-04-2002, 06:35 PM

(I hate Rosie O'Donnell)

Rosie O'Donnell and her driver are cruising down a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the Mercedes. The driver tries to dodge the livestock, but ends up slamming into it, instantly killing the animal. Eyes brimming with tears, Rosie implores her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car in disarray. He's holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a cigar in the other. "How did it go?" Rosie asks.
"Well," the driver says. "The farmer gave me this expensive champagne, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad, passionate love to me."
"My God," Rosie says. "How did that happen?"
"I just walked up to the door and said, 'I'm Rosie O'Donnell's driver, and I just killed the cow.'"

Smizack

08-04-2002, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by JBELL
What is the diff between an eptiliptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarhea?

well the oyster shucker - shucks between fits.

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!

ROTFLMGDAO!!!!:D :D :D

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 02:27 AM

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl
says "Hi, my name is
Kelly and you are losing some of your load." The
trucker ignores her and
Proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for
another red light and the
Girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and
the trucker lowers the
window and she says "Hi my name is Kelly and you are
losing some of your
load!" He ignores her again and continues down the
street. The trucker
stops
for still another red light and the girl catches up
again all out of
breath.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Kelly and you are losing some of
your load!" He dismisses
her and starts off down the street, then stops. The
trucker gets out of the
truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my
name is Andy and I am
driving a SALT TRUCK!" :p :D

Fuzznut

08-05-2002, 05:46 AM

Pat and Mike were very good friends.

One day Pat came over to Mike's house to visit, but when he entered the
home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding their baby and trying
to put up curtains at the same time.

She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while
I finish the curtains?"

A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How ya doin, Mike?"

Mike replied, "I'm holding my own".

That's when the battle started.

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 06:21 AM

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two A**holes on that camel.'" :)

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 06:25 AM

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Because they can get bombed at home.
:eek: :D :p

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 06:27 AM

Ok, one last Osama joke...

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

DUCK!!!
:p

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 09:24 AM

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.:smileysex

Tweaked!

08-05-2002, 09:47 AM

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

Tweaked!

08-06-2002, 08:57 AM

Ok, I'm sitting @ work here and sales is kinda slow today, so I'm going to start slinging the jokes.... :)

What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
**************************************************

What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin?

Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death wish.
**************************************************

What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?

They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.
**************************************************

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.''
************************************************** *

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

:banana: :banana: :banana:

Tweaked!

08-06-2002, 09:14 AM

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
Silicon Valley. :)
(that's one place I wouldn't mind visiting ;))

Tweaked!

08-09-2002, 03:25 AM

A Flaky Blonde

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
:) :) :)

Tweaked!

08-09-2002, 04:02 AM

Bad Day Blondie

How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

JBELL

08-13-2002, 09:00 AM

The pope is working on a crossword puzzle and asks his assisitant, "Can you think of a four letter word for 'one type of woman' that ends in u-n-t?"
"How about aunt?" says teh assistant.
"Oh, yeah," says the pope. "You got an araser?"

JBELL

08-13-2002, 09:01 AM

Q: What happens when a lawyer take viagra?

A: He grows taller

JBELL

08-13-2002, 09:02 AM

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and finds teh elephant dead.
"Damn," says the ant, " one evening of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a frickin' grave."

Tweaked!

08-13-2002, 02:36 PM

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “ Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.” :)

No pun intended, Flounder ;)

Tweaked!

08-13-2002, 02:42 PM

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F." :p

TheDude

08-13-2002, 03:21 PM

OK heres a really bad one to tell you blond girlffiend!

What's the diffrence between a blond and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking when you slap the sh*t outta it!:D

JBELL

08-13-2002, 05:51 PM

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Baston
during my Freshman year that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

Tweaked!

08-15-2002, 03:22 PM

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."

The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"
:p

Tweaked!

08-20-2002, 08:22 AM

What do bin Laden and Fred Flintstone have in common?

They both look out of their caves and see Rubble.

Tweaked!

08-20-2002, 08:23 AM

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water." :)

JBELL

08-20-2002, 08:31 AM

water?? hydrochorlic acid sounds nicer.....

Tweaked!

08-20-2002, 12:28 PM

Originally posted by JBELL
water?? hydrochorlic acid sounds nicer.....

You got that right! ;):D

sjohnson

08-20-2002, 02:22 PM

Nah - Aqua Regia - a mixture of Nitric and Sulfuric Acids. Even dissolves gold, hence the latin name: Noble Water.

Tweaked!

08-22-2002, 03:31 AM

A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That's just frost on my mustache.”

Tweaked!

09-06-2002, 04:49 AM

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background
mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't
find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and
it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0
beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I
used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole
system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in
my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0
still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the
immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with
your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've
never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of girlfriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a
year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was
because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the
resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to
FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top
of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he
can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you
try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.:doh:

gone_fishin

09-09-2002, 04:51 AM

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that. "
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love with his new wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks,"Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

gone_fishin

09-09-2002, 03:40 PM

A little boy was staying at his grandmothers house. In the morning, his grandmother was about to take a shower and the boy asked if he could take a shower with her. She said yes and when they got in the shower, the little boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked her what 'it' was.

"Oh, that is just my Beaver' she replied back.

Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."

Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother was about to take a shower. He asked if he could get into the shower with her. His mother said yes and this time he points to his mothers privates and asks, "What is that, mommy?"

His mother, a little embarrassed replies, "Why that's my Beaver, honey. Why do you ask?"

"Well.." says the young boy, "Grandma has a Beaver too, but I think it's dead, because it's tongue hangs out."

gone_fishin

09-09-2002, 03:53 PM

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

IFMU

09-11-2002, 09:42 PM

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Tweaked!

09-12-2002, 10:19 AM

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, ":banana::banana::banana::banana:! THAT'S the word!”

JBELL

09-12-2002, 10:24 PM

Subject: The trooper the ticket and the farmer

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally,
the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The
farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what
they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a
horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses
ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Smizack

09-20-2002, 01:13 PM

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At AMD, we don`t piss on our hands.

Smizack

09-20-2002, 01:14 PM

If Microsoft Built Cars

A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. If you didn't upgrade it you wouldn't be able to drive on the newer roads.
Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single " General Car Fault " warning light.
People would get excited about the " new " features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
We would still be waiting on the " 6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
There would be a lot of built-in problem indicators that all say the same thing: " Something is not working right."

Smizack

09-20-2002, 01:18 PM

Some more Windows bashing. Heh

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1) They replicate quickly -- Okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- Okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- Okay, Windows does that, too
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems -- Sigh... Windows does that, too
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware -- Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus!

Smizack

09-20-2002, 01:22 PM

Last one I promise.;)

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

TheDude

09-20-2002, 01:57 PM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of burn out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The
instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all
of it through the muffler!"
:D

JBELL

09-20-2002, 03:57 PM

Originally posted by Smizack
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At AMD, we don`t piss on our hands.

LMAO!!!!

JBELL

09-20-2002, 04:05 PM

Q.How can you tell Hardass is getting really ugly?

A.When dogs close their eyes when they hump his leg.

JBELL

09-20-2002, 04:06 PM

Q. Why do men pay way more in car insurance then women?

A. becuase women get can't blow jobs while driving.

JBELL

09-20-2002, 04:07 PM

Q. Why did the balding woman cut holes in the pockets of her pants?

A. so she could run her fingers through her hair.

JBELL

09-20-2002, 04:10 PM

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of whiskey and a glass.

"Something wrong, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Ah, my wife's pissed," the guy says. " the other day was my birthday , and she got naked and told me I could do whatever I wanted with her."

"Nice," says teh bartender. "So whats the problem?"

"I sent her to her mother's house."

JBELL

09-20-2002, 04:15 PM

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun. "THIS IS A STICKUP!" he yells. "Put all your money in a bag!"
"Don't shoot", pleads the bartender, "I'll do whatever you say."
The bartender stuffs the money into a bagand hands it over. the crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartenders head and says "all right, now give me a blow job!"
"Anything" the bartender cries, "just dont shoot."
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing teh guy. after a few minutes, the robber gets soo excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. "hold the gun, dammit" he says, "One of my friends might walk in!"

Smizack

09-20-2002, 07:10 PM

Originally posted by JBELL
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun. "THIS IS A STICKUP!" he yells. "Put all your money in a bag!"
"Don't shoot", pleads the bartender, "I'll do whatever you say."
The bartender stuffs the money into a bagand hands it over. the crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartenders head and says "all right, now give me a blow job!"
"Anything" the bartender cries, "just dont shoot."
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing teh guy. after a few minutes, the robber gets soo excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. "hold the gun, dammit" he says, "One of my friends might walk in!"

Ugh!!! teh ghey bartend3r s3><0r!! hehe

Tweaked!

09-23-2002, 08:19 AM

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
:lol:

Tweaked!

09-23-2002, 08:20 AM

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.
:confused: :confused: :confused:

Tweaked!

09-23-2002, 08:22 AM

Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.
:smileysex

sysfailur

09-23-2002, 08:09 PM

Attitudx

09-25-2002, 05:29 AM

The Top 15 Signs a Sports Announcer is Drunk

15> "Hey, no fair! He lost the coin toss! He has to do a shot!"

14> Throughout the entire three-hour broadcast, he refers to the
visiting team as "the f***ing Yankees."

13> Notes that Tiger Woods sliced the ball using his "designated
driver."

12> "In this situation, I'd send everybody deep except the tight
end -- him, I'd send over to the liquor store to grab me
another fifth. But that's probably just the Jack Daniel's
talking."

11> "Hey, Madden, that offensive lineman has even bigger breasts
than you!"

10> Keeps informing viewers that Randy Johnson isn't the only
"Big Unit" in the ballpark today.

9> Converses on-air with Howard Cosell, whose voice he supplies
himself with his fist and thumb, Senor Wences-style.

8> "And he drops the ball! What a friggin' a-hole!"

7> "And now coming to the plate, Andres Gallara... allgres...
Gallareg... Garellaga... ahh screw it. Hey vendor, another
beer!"

6> Breaks out his little paper parasols during a rain delay.

5> Announces, "It's been damn hot in this booth for 12 innings,
so I've removed my pants!"

4> Suddenly, everyone who touches the puck is named "Gordie."

3> "In a play sure to deceive the defense, Brett Favre is lined
up behind both centers."

2> "I think athletes who wear flashy clothes and jewelry and
run their big mouths all the time are nothing but ignorant,
lowlife punks. What do *you* think, Deion?"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a Sports Announcer is Drunk...

1> "I don't know about you, Bob, but I'd love to see Jeff Garcia
run that same play naked."

Turbo

09-27-2002, 02:55 PM

Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The :banana::banana::banana::banana: Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.
The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The :banana::banana::banana::banana: Inn?"

Turbo

09-27-2002, 02:57 PM

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Attitudx

10-03-2002, 11:06 AM

The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your dork is ajar.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

I can see your Gap dancers.

Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir.

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I see you have an opening in senior management.

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...

Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction

Attitudx

10-03-2002, 11:07 AM

The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
(Part I)

I Know What You Did Last Weekend, and So Does the Rest of the Country, Including Your Parents

The Cider House RULES!!

Glenfiddich Glen Ross

C.H.U.G.

Falling Down, Drunk

A Fish Called Jenna

The Texas Braincell Massacre

The Beer Hunter

101 Citations

The Legend of Drunken First Daughter

What Did You Do in the Bar, Daddy?

A Pack o' Schlitz, Now!

Tanked Girl

From Beer to Fraternity

Puking Tiger, Heaving Dragon

and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...

Dude, Where's My Lawyer?

Attitudx

10-03-2002, 11:08 AM

The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
(Part II)

Rebel Without a Card

Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me

The American Precedent

Me, Myself and I.D.

The Little Barmaid

The Keg and I

Good Morning, Magistrate!

Bend Hurl

The Hunt for OctoberFest

License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election

Drunk and Drunker

The Clodfather

9 1/2 Weeks -- of Community Service

Heaving Las Cervezas

Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!

and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...

You've Got Bail!

Attitudx

10-03-2002, 11:10 AM

The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana

Got Buzz?

Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All

A Day Without Pot is Like School

Weed My Lips!

Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!

What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?

Obey Your Jones

Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff

It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!

Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime

Official Sponsor of the NBA

Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!

Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke

This is your brain.
This is your brain on pot.
This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.

When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?

SMOKE POT! (Did We Just Say That Out Loud? Or Did We Just Think It?)

Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads

Just Doob It

It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

and the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...

Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

TheDude

10-03-2002, 11:36 PM

Here's a link to a study that was conducted to find the WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE..interesting read. Joke's not the funniest I've ever heard, but there are some interesting insights pertaining to humor in general.

http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/0600uk/page.cfm?objectid=12251019&method=full&siteid=50082:lol:

Tweaked!

10-09-2002, 12:52 PM

Drowning Lawyer

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him!!!:D

Again, no offense Flounder;)

JBELL

10-10-2002, 12:39 PM

"Pit Stop"

I left Montreal on Route 20 heading toward Quebec City when I decided
to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so
I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a
voice from the next stall.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway,
I answered, a little embarrassed. "Not bad."

And the stranger said, "And where are you off to?"

Talk about your dumb question! I was really beginning to think this
was too weird, so I said: "Well, just like you, I'm driving East."

Then I heard the stranger all upset say, "Look, I'll call your right
back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions
I'm asking you. "Bye!"

Smizack

10-10-2002, 09:34 PM

Originally posted by JBELL
"Pit Stop"

ROTFLMGDAO!!!

Charles Wirth

10-10-2002, 09:45 PM

Yesterday my friend bob got hit by a bus and last night they decided they would have to revove his left leg and they took off the right leg on accident.

Today he spent all day trying to hire an attorney but they would not take his case.

He didnt have a leg to stand on.

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:47 PM

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:48 PM

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my :banana::banana::banana::banana: this way!"

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:49 PM

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:49 PM

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:51 PM

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

JBELL

10-12-2002, 09:55 PM

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

Tweaked!

10-17-2002, 08:44 AM

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

Tweaked!

10-17-2002, 08:48 AM

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?

Tweaked!

10-17-2002, 08:50 AM

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

Bulldog

10-17-2002, 09:22 AM

This guy just started at his new job, working at a :banana::banana::banana::banana:o shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it alone.

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

He answers, "$35."

She says, "How much for the black one?"

He says, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She says, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?" He says, "$35."

She says, "How much for the white one?"

He says, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She says, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He says, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She says, "How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He says, "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

Bulldog

10-20-2002, 07:48 PM

:D ...The company was losing money and the boss had no option but to get rid of one of his staff-either Jack or Jill. He decides to tell them straight away and spots Jill putting on her coat ready for going home.

"Hello Jill" he says hesitantly "there's something I've got to tell you. I need to lay you or Jack off."

"Then Jack off" she replied angrily. "I've got a headache."
:banana:

Bulldog

10-22-2002, 10:17 AM

Blonde phone home

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, 'I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!' To that the man asks, 'Anything?' And the blonde says, 'yes.. Anything!' With that, the man says, 'Follow me.' He walks into the next room and tells her 'Come in and close the door'. She does. He then says, 'Get on your knees' She does. He then says, 'take down my zipper'. She does. He then says, 'Go ahead... Take it out.' With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, 'Well.. Go ahead.' She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, 'HELLO, MOM?'

JBELL

10-24-2002, 11:50 PM

The Little Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest
when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend,
why do you do this? Come with me running through the
forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses
it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they came across an elephant doing coke, so the
rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do
this? Think about your health. Come running with us
through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so
good!"

The elephant looks at his razor, mirror and all, then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and
giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to
shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think
about your health! Come running with us through the
sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and
starts to beat the öööö out of the rabbit. As the
giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little ööööer makes me run
around the forest like an idiot for hours every time
he's on ecstasy!"

JBELL

10-25-2002, 10:48 PM

Two women are riding bikes to a friend's house when it starts to get dark. "I've never come this way before," says one of the women. "me either" says the other woman. "I think it is the cobblestones."

JBELL

10-25-2002, 10:55 PM

One day a man lying out on the beach gets so badly sunburned that he has to go to the hospital. "Doc, you gotta help me," says the man. " it hurts like hell when anything touches my body." "OK," says the doctor. "I'm going to give you some skin cream and a precription for viagara." "Viagara.. what for?" asks teh man. "Its to keep the sheets off yrou legs."

IFMU

10-27-2002, 01:52 PM

There were these two twins, Timmy and Tommy. On Christmas morning, the two of them come scampering down the stairs and find 81 presents under the tree. They begin dividing them up and find that Timmy has 80 presents while Tommy only has one. Timmy begins opening his presents. He gets action figures. He gets video games. He gets movies. Tommy opens his present, and it's one brand new, shiny red tricycle. Timmy starts tearing through his next forty presents. There's a computer. There's a skateboard. There's even friggin' keys to a brand new car! Meanwhile, Tommy gets on his tricycle and starts riding it in little circles in the corner of the room. Finally Timmy gets to his last present. He tears off the wrapping, and it's the exact same tricycle as Tommy got. He looks up at Tommy and says, "Ha ha, I've got eighty presents, and you've only got one." Tommy looks up from his tricycle and says, "Ha ha, I don't have cancer!"

docah

10-30-2002, 06:37 AM

Sent to me @ work this morning:
Some of these are too funny. Hope they "kick-off" your day just right!

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of trying to stay calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place!. Some of these are
excellent.
Don't miss the last one.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere!

IFMU

11-08-2002, 12:18 AM

This one is long but well worth reading! -

In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jack***!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jack***" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jack***!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jack***. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, “No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you're a jack***!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jack***. There sure are a lot of jack***es in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jack***!"

(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jack***!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jack***es to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jack*** #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jack***!" But I didn't hang up.

The jack*** said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jack***!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jack*** #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jack***!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jack***!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing. Glorious!

I watched two jack***es kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

Bulldog

11-14-2002, 10:34 AM

Add him to list of peeps NOT to piss off...:eek: ...Hers a short and sweet ..LINK (http://www.vickysjokes.com/funny/wzp.asp) ..to make ya smile

JBELL

11-15-2002, 12:22 AM

Gay Joe goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." "Joe is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Joe asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

sjohnson

11-15-2002, 04:13 PM

lol - this is NOT a Halloween costume in some states...

Bulldog

11-19-2002, 08:44 PM

:banana: ROFLMAO...
.
.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Smizack

11-27-2002, 06:33 PM

MECHANIC'S ORDERS

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She says to the mechanic, "I don't know It just died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

:D :D

Bulldog

12-14-2002, 10:05 PM

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman :banana::banana::banana::banana:ed her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.

"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.

"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

Ulfar

12-15-2002, 12:14 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $2, Handjobs $10," so he asks the lady behind the counter " Mam, are you the one that gives the handjobs." She answers "Yes I am." He says "Then wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich." :p

Bulldog

01-02-2003, 07:51 AM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from,
and requested the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever hsd before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One
day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing, of it. I get
all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

carrion

01-05-2003, 03:22 AM

why's there never been a woman on the moon?

Cause it doesn't need to be cleaned yet.

carrion

01-05-2003, 03:32 AM

this guy gets a new job at a :banana::banana::banana::banana:o store.
The first day, the boss says "ok, you got it, i'll be back in an hour"

few minutes later, this redhead walks in, looks around and points to the shelf behind the clerk "how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the black ones, I've never had one of those before" so the clerk makes his first sale.

10 min later, this black lady walks in, looks around and says the same thing
"how much are the dildos on the shelf??"
Clerk looks up and says " 10 bucks, 10 bucks for the white ones, 10 bucks for the black ones, they're all 10 bucks."
OK she says, gimme one of the white ones, I've never had one of those before"

Blonde lady walks in, looks at the dildo shelf and asks the same thing, gets the same 10 dollar response.
she thinks for a minute and points to the lower shelf and says "well what about that plaid one"??

The clerk looks at it and says "Oh, THAT ONE, well that's a "special" one, and it's 100 bucks"
Ok she says, i'll take it, I've never had a plaid one before"

boss comes back and says "so, how'd it go"

Clerk says "well, not too bad, sold one of the black dildos, sold one of the white dildos and I got a hundred bucks for your thermos"

Turbo

01-17-2003, 12:41 PM

A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”

Tweaked!

01-17-2003, 01:09 PM

A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How???'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your arse, didn't it?''' :D

Tweaked!

01-17-2003, 04:31 PM

It's hard to find jokes that are clean these days but, here's one where not one dirty word is used:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch said, "I cannot tell."

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "it is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

See - I told you so!:D

Bulldog

01-26-2003, 09:07 PM

Fifteen truths
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday....lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty dollars.

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
charge of Immigration

sjohnson

02-05-2003, 07:16 PM

Hu's in China

George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George B.: Great. Lay it on me.

Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.

George B.: That's what I want to know.

Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.

George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condoleeza R.: Yes.

George B.: I mean the fellow's name.

Condoleeza R.: Hu.

George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.

George B.: The new leader of China.

Condoleeza R.: Hu.

George B.: The Chinaman!

Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.

George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.

George B.: That's who's name?

Condoleeza R.: Yes.

George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.

George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
middle East.

Condoleeza R.: That's correct.

George B.: Then who is in China?

Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.

George B.: Yassir is in China?

Condoleeza R.: No, sir.

George B.: Then who is?

Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.

George B.: Yassir?

Condoleeza R.: No, sir.

George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condoleeza R.: Kofi?

George B.: No, thanks.

Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?

George B.: No.

Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.

George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.

George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condoleeza R.: Kofi?

George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condoleeza R.: And call who?

George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.

George B.: Will you stay out of China?!

Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.

George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condoleeza R.: Kofi.

George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.

George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.

isp

02-24-2003, 02:10 PM

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

IFMU

03-10-2003, 12:29 AM

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if
she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly
sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The
note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7
inches in your pants.

The man after reading this note, sends one
of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know- I happen
to have a Rolls, BMW and a Mercedes in my garage, plus two million
dollars in the bank: But not even for a woman as beautiful as you
would I cut three inches off my penis!
Just send the bottle back.

CCW

03-10-2003, 12:31 AM

An Oxymoron for you:

Microsoft Works

Starfoxer

04-16-2003, 06:58 PM

okay, a cat eats this mouse, right? then the cat chokes....HAHAHAHAHAHA

JBELL

04-25-2003, 08:20 AM

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

Tweaked!

04-25-2003, 09:17 AM

Hey Jbell, are you coming out????:stick: :p :eek:

TheDude

04-25-2003, 09:19 AM

Hey....what JB does on the weekend is his\her own business!:stick:

carrion

04-25-2003, 07:40 PM

These two goldfish are in a tank, one looks over at the other and says "Hey, you sure you know how to drive this thing"???

C.

Bulldog

04-29-2003, 03:54 PM

:D
.
Might brighten yer day.....
.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the §§§§ out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

JBELL

05-12-2003, 12:43 PM

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you
don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is
the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to
the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous
answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diahrrea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink
or turn on the light, I'd §§§§ my pants!"

He got the job

Ice

05-14-2003, 10:22 AM

Its a long one but a good one. (you have to read it carefully)

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

:D

Ice

05-14-2003, 10:27 AM

Heres another for ya.

A Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Ice

05-14-2003, 10:29 AM

Now this has got to be appreciated.

Backwoods High Tech

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
:D ;)

CCW

05-14-2003, 10:20 PM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f***** on your knee!"

CCW

05-14-2003, 10:20 PM

A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:

Januark Februark Mak Julk.

CCW

05-14-2003, 10:21 PM

Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a
football match in London
At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the
three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers. They all board the
train.
The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram
into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to
collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are
mightily
impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the
Scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a
ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Mancunian.
Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.
When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves
the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are
hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

Turbo

05-15-2003, 10:48 AM

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

TheDude

05-16-2003, 05:00 AM

Little Tony

LITTLE TONY ON PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls
on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the
first gunshot. The
teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting
on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking
the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I
suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F
in arithmetic. "Why?"
asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'",
replies TONY. "But that's
right!" says his dad."Yeah, but then she asked me 'How
much is 3x2?'
"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's
a mouthful." Little
TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a
sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to
take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate'. Please use the
word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're
an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in
the same sentence
twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in It. "
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher
reluctantly called on
little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, f**king beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on
one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107
years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king
business

:D

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:43 AM

God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said, "What you need is a WOMAN! This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:45 AM

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:45 AM

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:46 AM

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:47 AM

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:48 AM

Peter Stringfellow walked out of his club and yawned after a hard night partying. What should greet him on this fine morning but a naked stripper bent over with her head stuck in some railings.

He coodnt pass up this oppurtunity and walked up to her, slipped it in, and gave her a good going over. As he finished he noticed one of his celebrity mates, robbie williams, and called him from across the street.

Robbie saw what was going on and dropped his trousers and have her a good ragging.

Also walking by at this time was Elton John. The two men called him, and he crossed over the road, watching robbie williams finish off.

Peter asked elton casually 'Wood u like a bit of this elton'

Elton, equally casually replied 'Well id love some, but i dont think i cood get my head thru the railings'

CCW

05-16-2003, 05:49 AM

saddam sends his son down to the market to get some shopping,
after a while his son comes back with the shopping in an old box,
saddam says, "why you bring shopping home in an old box?!".
"well", says his son, "there was no bag-dad".

poopygood

05-17-2003, 06:52 PM

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.00.

"Why so cheap?," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and it sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

JBELL

05-20-2003, 10:02 AM

Japanese Fart !
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her
life that when she married she was to please her
husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young
Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making
love, stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes,and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse
please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out
loud."

JBELL

05-21-2003, 02:18 PM

The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told
the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and
drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the
house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure
enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife
and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly
and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
sorry, Mr.Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!"
the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's
a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about
the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as
much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the
man. The bartender replied, "Yes." So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried
egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man." Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he
doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as
I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side.She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest,
don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky,"he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in
peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one"
whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Peckers

05-22-2003, 11:30 AM

:D
TheDude: Little Tony =Little Dude ?

Ok, here's a lame one:

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:."

Turbo

05-22-2003, 12:35 PM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.