Xtreme Contests

[chilly1]

Contest One:
Make The Mods Laugh

The winner will receive a Chilly1 chiller 1/8 hp copeland condenser new, with Chilly1 heatexchanger. 115v/240v per the winners request. Worldwide shipping included. Contest begins 4/5/04 and ends Midnight, PST 4/11/04.

Rules:
Submit your funniest story,aprils fools joke,anecdote or other joke to this thread only. (No pictures) Multiple submissions okay. No spamming. Please do not duplicate your posts, nor copy anothers. Only the first post of a duplicate will be considered.

On Friday, 4/9/04 12:00 p.m. PST (noon) the thread will be closed and no futher entries will be accepted. Each moderator will then choose his two favorite posts, and a poll will then be posted for all members to vote on Saturday and Sunday, 4/10-11/04. The posts with the most votes at the end of the contest will win the prize offered by xtremesystems.org.


Contest Two:
Easter Egg Hunt

The winner will receive a lapped and polished 2.8GHz Retail Prescott. Worldwide shipping included. Contest begins Sunday, 4/11/04 at 6:00 a.m. PST an entry thread will be posted. The first one to find the eggs, will win the prize offered by xtremesystems.org. A hints and rules thread will be posted at the start of the contest.

Participation in these contest implies acceptance of the following terms and conditions:
▪ Participants shall not post any material likely to cause offense, that is protected by copyright, trademark or other proprietary right - without the express permission of the owner of such material.
▪The appropriate Forum Moderator has the right to edit, censor, delete or otherwise modify any posted message.
▪This web site does not verify or guarantee the accuracy of the material posted to the Forums or bear any responsibility for any loss, damage, or other liabilities caused by any posted message.
▪xtremesystems.org does not accept responsibility for nor warrentee the prizes given away.
▪The prize winners accepts responsibility for all liability incurred by receiving the prize and its use.
▪Contest open to xtremesystems.org registers users with valid email addresses on file only.

http://www.blairwing.com/images/chiller.jpg
http://www.blairwing.com/images/pa.jpg

[TheDogFather]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

TDF.

[Kazoo]

Good one TDF!

[dobbz]

here's a dumb ass, uninteresting story about what i did a few weekends ago. hope you LAFF YER ASSES OFF THO heh.

i was out drinkin at the bars with a couple of my bros. we were slammin Heaven Hills one after the other, and by 1:00AM i'm trashed as hell and pissin like a racehorse, but im still feelin aWEsOME and cool like usual HHeh.

theres this seriously cute chick ive seen at this place Grinder's a couple times- so cute, pretty much nothing about her i can scrutinize at all, and shes just got this thing about her that makes you know you shes a really nice girl before you even talk to her. id marry her. after i do another shot i catch her lookin at me at the bar and she's smilin, i think cause i let out this drunk ass roar after i knocked it back. a couple minutes later she goes outside by herself with yer jacket and her purse and i figure she's leaving. so i go outside to follow her cause im smeared as sht and think its OK to run after a chick ive never talked to as she's about to go home just to hit on her (omg im drunk).

so i walk out the door and shes just standin there pullin out a cigarette and im thinkin kewl she's not leavin quite yet. ill throw some lines at her and tell her im havin people over later. im like "hey wutsup" and she smiles again and says hey. i pull out my lighter and im about to light her cig but i drop the lighter. not too slick but whatever.

so i pick it up and im reaching out to light her cig and as im raising my arm up i miss badly and kinda punch her in the tit haha. i said sorry and she just giggled and said it was ok (kewwwl). now im tryin again and i get the lighter up there to light it. she leans over and puts her hand on mine all flirty like, but i guess i kinda wobbled forward cause i defintely put the lighter right into her face and she jerked back with her hand on her cheek since i just burned her, and she kinda pulls on a strand of hair, so i guess i set a little of that on fkn fire too. goddammit im a dumbass.

now she gets out her own cigarette lighter, so im a little bit shook at this point and wondering if ive blown it. keep in mind this has all taken place in less than a minute and all ive said to her is "wutsup". god. anyway, i get out a cig for myself.

now its really dark out and for some reason they turned out most of the lights out front. and you know when youre sittin in the dark at a campfire or something and all you can see is the fire and the people sittin around it cause the light just blacks out all the surroundings? well im just-about-to-barf drunk and obviously dizzy as hell and im lightin my cig. the next thing i know i hit the ground and im on my back... w t F???

here's what happened: when i put the lighter up near my face, it became the only thing visible to me at all, and im so drunk i dont notice that im beginning to lean back and fall flat on my ass. picture it: some guy lightin a cig and he just falls backwards with his hands in the cigarette-lighting position all the way down.

so im gettin up and she's laffin at me, and says "OK, nice meeting you." she stomps out a whole cigarette and goes back inside. fffffckkKJkjsdf.

here i was so stupid drunk im wOOpin like a fratboy.. and she thinks its cute. i follow her outside probably seeming a bit desperate and definately bein uncool.. no prob, shes smling. i punch her in the tit.. and she laffs, its ok. im pullin all this dumb dumb sht and she likes me enough to stick around and still flirt! i had it! but i just gotta keep bein a dumbass and blow it in under 60 seconds. pfft go me.

but at least i got piece of her tit hAW.

[Kenjo]

I have an excellent story, just happy it wasnt me that did this..


My best friend Karl was out partying hard and long and not really looking for a girl so the drinks were big enough to knock over an elephant, but then he saw this chick with the right kinda jugs an hips.. so he went for it.. and sure enough he got her home. so they started out their lovemaking session but when she got ontop of her the fun part began.. my friend Passed OUT.. dunno how u can do that but he Passed out during the actually act.. the next day when he woke up she was gone and when he went to brush his teeth he stared into the mirror and was shocked.. he had a nice big black eye..

What a nice nite he must have had :)

[interman]

here's my entry



What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?





A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.

[DeadPlasmaCell]

This doesn't really have to do with PCs.. but when i was in high school a while back, We had a Bomb threat and we all had to evacuate to the football field and stand in the stands, it was really cold and the stands were aluminum and were frosted over, Me and my friend were out there along with the whole school and we're around the middle section half way up as well.. So we're just talking and goofing around and then they tell us we can go in, so we're stepping down and my friend looses his footing and falls to his knees so i, jokingly, lightly pushed him and he lost his balance and tumbled down the stands about 10 steps all i hear is "Ooooh sh*********!!!".. and apparently he had a bad case of Diareha cuz he got up and there was crap running down his legs and everywhere else, it was pretty bad.. so everyone is laughing at him and he takes off running toward the school and once he gets on the football field he trips and busts his ass again..and takes off.. FIN

[CHiN0]

Sorry if it's not the appropriate language but I'm sure a lot of you have heard this one already, I edited some of it and I can edit more if needed:

This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the Bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you Three- Hundred dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The Bartender says.. now one more time this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Your trying to tell me you're gonna bet me Three-Hundred dollars that YOU can piss standing over here waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The Bartender says, "Young man you gotta bet!" The guy says, "O.K. here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks glass, he's thinking of the glass, think glass, thinking about his d*ck. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. Be the glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. D*ck, glass. And then 'SWOOOSH' . He let's it rip! And he's ..he's pissin' all over the place, man! He's pissin' on the bar.. he's pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone.. on the Bartender.. He's pissing Everywhere EXCEPT the f***ing glass!! Right. O.K. So, Bartender, He's laughing his f***ing ass off, he's Three-Hundred dollars richer. He's like, "Ha Ha Ha Ha." Piss drippin' off his face. "Ha Ha Ha Ha" He says, "You F***N' idiot, man. You pissed on everything EXCEPT the glass!! You owe me Three-Hundred dollars punta." And he goes, "Excuse me, just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them... Comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go Mr. Bartender, three hundred dollars." And the Bartenders like, "WHAT the f*ck are you so happy about, you just lost Three-Hundred dollars you idiot?!" The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there. I just bet them Five-Hundred dollars a PIECE, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on YOU, and not only would you be not mad about it...... you'd be happy..."

[kaasie]

American History Class Mark as unread


It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said
the boy.

"Very good! Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki, "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do." As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese." "Who
said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca,
1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki's
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
throw up." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who
said that?" Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, "George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

:D

[Kenjo]

Got one more.. the same guy (Karl) and a chick that i know really well..

a couple of years back we both worked as bartenders at this local pub (wich is now closed), everything was excellent.. free booze and loads of hot chicks, just like being in heaven.. Me an my friend had a bet going .. to see wich one of us that could get a chick home with this little catch frase "You wanna go home an have sex", so about 2 weeks after we started this little bet i meet this chick (marie) and ofcourse i used the line and waaabang we went home... a couple nites later i used it again on the same chick and yep we went back home and wabang, by now u guys wondering what the point of this story is, well im about to tell you :D .. So my friend (Karl) got a bit upset that i scored twice so he thought ah well mightaswell try the line out.. so a week later when i was off work he gave it his best shot.. but what he didnt know was that the girl he tried it on was marie, and ofcourse she went back home to his place with him to sleep cause she missed her last buss home, now your thinking how i know this well just read on.. now when in the apartment Karl was still eager to get some action but how hard he tried she didnt give him some.. so finally he resorted to the last possible thing he could think of.. he went down on his KNEES and said " I love you" , marie just looked at him and said "NO"..

Now how do i know this for a fact.. that dumbass told me the story .. now it would have been one thing if it was marie but it wasnt her that told me the story it was Karl..

I would never have admitted to such a thing.. I still make fun of him whenever were out partying :D

Ps. The names in this story are not the real ones as it might be offending for these people. Ds

[jackyl]

This guy pulls up to a stop light in a green mistubhishi eclipse. It has alot of work done to it and alot of power adding stickers and a huge "doesn't do a damn thing" wing on the back and the bof is just chirping when he lets off the throttle after he revs it up to impress the guy next to him at the stop and go lights. The guy right next to him is in a ferrari 355 spider bone stock italian coolage package. Regardless of the fact that the guy in the ferrari reved up his engine first and said "I bought this car with the money from my companies IPO"

They both give each other the "wanna race that pos or did you forget how to drive" look

Then the light turns green and they both slide through gears without even the usage of a clutch. and with a few action shots of both cars weaving in and out of traffic the eclipse beats the ferrari with about a 12 car lenth lead.


The punch line is: The usage of a blue screen can make even an ordianary sticker powerd car beat a ferrari!

Come on :D damn it :D

[charlie]

Awww...man!!!!
And I guess moderators are dis-allowed :rolleyes:
This is gonna be fun, though...

C

[adamginz15]

Ok,
A man goes to the doctor and says to him :" i got a serious problem i have 2 balls but one is huge and second one is normal".
so the doctor asks from the man to show him his balls so he says i will show them to you in one condition. that you want laugh, ok so the doctor agreed. so the man is taking out his first ball out and the doctor started laughing like c-r-a-z-y so then the man says to the doctor. now i want show you the big one.

[RestyleD-]

Hope you can laugh...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

RestyleD-

[T07N]

Ok this is a true story, seriously.

A friend of mine just went to juvy last month, and he just got out. I was excited to see him and we talked for awhile. I asked him if he had any funny stories to tell in there.

He told me about this one kid who went in there for something very stupid.

Ok the guy was trying to jack the school's computer so he broke into the school with the pair of keys he stole from the janitor.

After he got the keys that day, he broke into the building at night and tried to jack the MACS but he soon found out they were like welded into the table. LOL

So for some reason he surf the net for porn then starting jacking off. Someone somehow reported him and the cops came, they found him whacking off in front of the computer screen. Poor guy stood up with his pants down and hands up cause the cops told him to or else they'll shoot. So the guy popped a boner in front of like 4 cops LOL!!!

It was written on his permenent record. LOL!!! I guess he was "jacking" the wrong thing in there lol.

True story, I'm not lying.

[FlyingHamster]

lol TDF, the Official World's Funniest Joke (http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/) :D ;)



anyways heres a funny one:

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

:shrug: :bananal: :ROTF:

[BmxAnt]

Whats cool,Fast and LOUD as a mofo?





Vantec tornado
:eek:

[Dieter@be]

Ok, I'll translate this kick-ass story from dutch to english:

There is this guy (lets call him Jeff), wandering off outside, suddenly he sees a rope hanging in front of him. He looks up, and the rope comes from reaaaly high, he can't see the end of the rope. So he decides to climb it (being so curious).

After a lot of climbing, he finds himself being in heaven. Where St. Pieter sees Jeff and says "Hey Jeff! What the ** are you doing here? Your time hasnt come yet!". Yeah says Jeff, and he explains the rope-thing.
He also asks if he can look around a bit in heaven, now he's there anyway. "Ok", says St. Pieter " but you have to be back before 2PM because i'm going to remove the rope and you won't be able to go down again" Jeff agrees and starts wandering around in heaven. Everything is sooo great there, and so he forgets the time. When its 3 PM he runs back to St Pieter in panic, and yes...it's too late, the rope is already gone.

"But I really need to get down to earth again" says Jeff "to my family, my work, etc etc"

St Pieter proposes this solution: he will change Jeff into a spider so he can make his own rope to descend, and when he's on the ground, he will be changed back into a human. Jeff agrees.

So he starts descending , being a spider, all the way down, making his own "rope". But about 30m above surface he has no more rope, so he really does his best to push a little more out of it, but it's still nog enough, so he pushes even harder to make as much rope as possible.

Then his wife wakes him up: "Jeff! wake up! You're sh*tting under the whole bed!"

[lostark374]

what did the woman say to micheal jackson while lying on the beach?


umm i dunno:



"would you mind getting out of my sun"

[Detract]

A high flying Auckland lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canterbury. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the southern hemisphere, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canterbury. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mertens Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Mertens Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Jaffa. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his silk suit jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

and

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive",
Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him
know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to
Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and
the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

and

[Cader]

some jokes from gold old germany, first I've to say, that the European Pegi is here USK, so I don't know, if it makes sense for you

pegi 12+ means: the hero gets the girl
pegi 16+ means: the rogue (?) gets the girl
pegi 18+ means: everyone gets the girl
:D


------------------------------------------

There's a trucker, who sings all the time:,,I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck , when I want to." After a longer time his tank is empty and he has to stop at a gas station.
There is waiting a nun. she speaks with him: "Can you take me with you?"
Then he: "Only when I can take you!"
"yes OK, but only anal, otherwise I offence against the chruch, ok?."
They go into the Truck and f*ck ^^. Afterwards: "I'm the trucker Bill and I f*ck, when I want to!!!"
Then the nun: "And I'm the gay John and like to dress like a nun!!"

and some more:

What's the difference between a cowtail and a tie?




the cowtail covers the hole as*hole

-----------------------------------------------------

Why have women to be more cute than smart? because men cann better see than think


-----------------------------------

last but not least:

15 % of the men think their penis is too small
the other 85% believe that the ruler (?) is faulty


Xcuse my XTREME bad english:(

[olv]

OK here goes...

A man walks into a bar and the bartender's dog is sat on the floor licking his balls. The man goes over to the bartender and says "You see your dog? I wish I could do that." And the bartender says "Give him a bone and he might let you."

ha ha!

[SSV]

:toast:

Two hillbillys, Bubba and Billy, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Billy, said, "Lookey thar up
ahead, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Billy," Bubba said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and
throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Bubba.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Bubba said. "We're on the patch."

:with:

[rundymc]

Here's mine:-

What is the definition of pain?
...............................
...............................
...............................

A fly, sliding down a razor blade


using its balls for brakes

:banana:



This is a true story:-
I was on this small commercial flight to Malaysia recently to see a friend. The trip was made on a budget airliner, so obviously it was dead small.
At some point during the journey, I really had to piss, so I got up, went to the toilet, and was met with a line of like, 20 people
Finally my turn came, and low and behold- the toilet seat was TINY, I mean a hobbit would feel comfortable there instead of falling in and have the next guy flush him down.
I'm a big guy (well down there as well, but that's not what I meant) so this was a dilemma- I couldn't stand over the seat to do my business, cos that would mean decorating the facilities with my urine- I couldn't sit either, cos the walls were to narrow to spread my legs
so I figured up a quick way of doing my business stably, without missing the seat
In the small room, I took down my pants and underwear, lifted my self up with the help of the sink, and held myself in the air by pressing my knees tightly against the walls of the toilet and holding on to some grooves in the ceiling for a little support- guess what- it worked
so I released one hand to hold my (you know), and proceeded to take a piss
there I was, a guy with a big arse, hairy thighs, in mid-air, hold his d*ck, with a stream of yellow coloured water coming from between his thighs

one problem..................I didn't close the door


I think the people outside (plus a couple of really hot stewardesses) got an even better view of my arse when the plane hit a little turbulence and I flew head first into the toilet seat :slobber: :banana:

[STEvil]

I ate Safeway Select Canned WET dog food for a casewrap at a lan party.. :slobber:

Does that count for anything? ;)

[TechTones]

4 men are playing golf one fine afternoon.
1 leaves to get some refreshments for the group.
The other 3 start talking about their sons.

The first one says, "Well, my son is making out great" he tells the others. He's a top broker and works for the biggest brokerage house on Wall Street. In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone a free $250K portfolio of stocks as a present. Look how good he's doing. I'm proud of my boy".......

The second one says, "So, your boy is doing good, but mine is doing better. He owns 10 high end sports car automobile dealerships across the country", "He got the top award in his field". In fact, he's doing so well, he just gave someone two free
cars, a Porche and a Bentley. Imagine giving 2 expensive sports cars as a present. You have to be on top of the world. I'm so, so proud of my boy...

The third father says, "I have all of your boys beaten" say the father. "My son owns the most profitable construction company in the whole country. He builds houses for the well to do. Most start at 2 million" he says. These houses are like sticks of gum to him he's doing so good. In fact, he just gave someone a $4 Million home as present for his lover. If he can give away $4 million, imagine how great he's doing" says the father with a gleam of pride in his eyes..

Finally, the 4th father returns. The other 3 fathers know his son is not doing too well, but they ask about him anyway. "So how's your son doing Ed?

"Well" the 4th father says, "my son is gay and is now a Go Go dancer in a club downtown". The other 3 fathers look at each other with a smile mocking the man.

"But, says the 4th father, "even though he's only a Go Go dancer, I'm proud of the friends he chooses in life. In fact, guys like him so much one gave him $250K in stocks, the other 2 free sports cars and one guy loves him so much he gave him a $4 million house...:D

[Evil_Spork]

entry:


So a baby seal walks into a club...


/entry

[SAE]

True story told by my electronics professor:

There was a man waking up in the morning and wanting to get off the bed. Putting his naked
left foot on the floor he noticed, there must be something wrong.

There was a :banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:ling feeling, like there was electicity all over the floor...

:idea: He called his neighbor (fortunately phone was next to the bed) to come over and see what's wrong there...

The neighbor said 'okay', he's gonna come and see.

So the man was waiting, laying in bed... 30minutes passing... nobody arrived yet.

:confused: Then he called back to the neighbor's and got his wife come over to see, if everything's fine and
where her husband is.

After another 45minutes of restless waiting the man finally called the fire brigade.
They found both the neighbors laying on the ground, dead!!! :eek:

The floor was flood with water, and the was electricity everywhere because of that...

The error the man made had been found really quick. Obviously he hammered nails (for framed pictures) into the walls
directly where the pipes/cables for 230V-power plug socket went along (behind the wall).

Really weird, huh??? ;)

[Dominos]

"Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don't care, me don't cry, me just happy cow can't fly!" :D

[QUOTE]Originally said by some stupid guy at my school
Once, when me and my friends were tuning my snowmobile, we tested to put some rocketfuel in the tank :D So we did and the engine got so much power that it blew the ignition system through the tank :D But we got it started later and it must have had atleast 400BHP couse it almost flew over the snow at 250km/h!

the second one is a true story, I mean there is a guy who said it, not that it actually happened ;) The snowmobile in question was an Lynx Enduro 440 thats about 10 years old, what I always wondered was how he got the ignition system to go through the tank? The gas tanks on the otherside of the engine! :rolleyes:

[Camelot One]

Now that all of the legal issues have all been resolved, this is a funny story to me. (though it got ugly for awhile)
I build custom computers. I once had a client (son of a client actually) stop by my place to pick something up, and he saw my water cooled rig. He was very impressed, and being the rich brat he was, convinced daddy to buy him one.

He wanted it all, so I decked it out. AMD 2500+ with a 226W Pelt, hand made water cooler, etc. Beautiful system. 3 weeks after I delivered it, I get a call saying it was broken, and that I needed to replace it.

So I went to their home to do a quick once over, thinking maybe he had just knocked something loose. What I found was a giant hole in the ClearFlex tube coming off the water block, and the strong stench of WaterWetter on everything.

To make a long story short, the guy thought the fans in the cooler were too loud. (2 120mm Panaflo-H's on 7V) So he unplugged them. "All of a sudden the computer just kept shutting off. I got on my dad's and went to that site you told me about, and found this thing on turning off thermal protection, so I did that, and it booted up for a few minutes"

It booted because he left it off while he read the forums, thus the water cooled a bit. After turning off thermal protection in the bios, he tried gaming on it. It kept blue screening, but he just wouldn't give up. Just kept booting and rebooting, until all of a sudden the water got hot enough to blow a line, spraying the water heated by the pelt +CPU all over everything inside the case. Must be a warranty issue right? :)

[fooforon]

Sorry about its length but, It's good and prefect place for this joke/story

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!



Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??

Jamie

[runmc]

WOW,

This contest is taking off like "CRAZY"

COOL!!!:cool:

Good Luck to everyone.:D

[Teus]

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage ,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children...
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[SAE]

Bill Gates at McDonalds

Gates: I'd like to have a BigMac.
Salesman: A BigMac, a Coke. That's 6,90.
Gate: I only ordered a BigMac!
Salesman: The Coke belonged to it, is part of a total package.
Gates: What? I do not pay the Coke!
Salesman: You don't need to. The Cola is free.
Gate: But didn't the BigMac cost alone 3,90 so far?
Salesman: Right, but the BigMac has now new capability characteristics. It has a Coke in the scope of supply!
Gates: I just had a Coke a few minutes ago. I do not need another one now.
Salesman: Then you'll get no BigMac.
Gates: Okay, I pay 3,90 and do without the Coke.
Salesman: One cannot seperate the parts of the total package. BigMac and Coke are smoothly integrated.
Gates: Rubbish! BigMac and Coke are two different kinds.
Salesman: Wait. (he dips the BigMac into the cup of Coke.)
Gates: What's that?
Salesman: That's in the interest of the customer, then we can guarantee a uniform taste in all components.




Another one:

Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago ago I had my 45th birthday and felt not very well at all. I went down to have breakfast and knew that my wife would be very nice, she'd say "Happy birthday" and perhaps also had a small gift for me.

She did neither say "Good morning", nor even a "Happy birthday" at all. Okay, I said to myself, well, it's the women. But the children surely did not forget it... The children came, also not saying a word ignoring me completely.

When I put myself on the way to the office, I felt rather depressed. I went through the entry door of my office and Monica, my secretary, came to me saying: "Happy birthday, boss", and I felt a little better, at least one had remembered it.

I worked until noon. Punctually, Monica knocked on my door at 12 o'clock and meant: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, nevertheless let's have lunch together, only you and me!" I answered: "That's the best idea by far I heard today..." So we went. We did not go into our usual restaurant, we drove out of the town to the country to a small cosy restaurant in order to have little privatsphere. We drank two Wodka-Martini and enjoyed the outstanding meal.

On the way back to the office Monica said: "It's such a beautiful day, you know, and it's your birthday, we don't have to get back to the office yet, do we?" - "No, we don't", I said. "Well, then let's go to me, into my dwelling", suggested Monica.

When we arrived in her apartment, we drank some more Wodka-Martini and smoked a joint. Monica then said: "If it's okay for you, I would be glad to dress something more comfortable. I only have to go into the bedroom, I am back here immediately." I only could an excited more gasp an excited "Sure, do so, do so...!" and she disappeared in the bedroom. Some minutes later she came back again, carrying a birthday cake in her hands, followed from my wife, the children and all sang "Happy Birthday". And I sat there on the couch and wearing nothing except my socks ...

[pythagoras]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[teezer]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."
"and just what do you do with a 6 foot :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:?" he asked
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

[Tok-ra]

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[Tok-ra]

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."


"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

[bogan]

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?





They both go into kiddies rooms and unload their sacks.. :p:

[Tok-ra]

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[kristos]

Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
- Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

What’s the difference between elephants and plums?
- Plums are purple, elephants aren’t

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
- Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
- "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
- So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
- See, it works.

Why is it dangerous to go into the cherry orchards at noon?
- Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so small?
- Because they go through the cherry orchards at noon.

What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
- Slow pygmies.

How did Tarzan die?
- Picking cherries.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
- Monkeys eating cherries.

Why did the monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the cherry tree?
- Monkey see monkey do.

How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
- It doesn’t, it gets down from a duck.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out flaming ducks

How do you get an elephant in a fridge?
- Open door, insert elephant, close door.

How do you know if there was an elephant in the fridge?
- Footprints in the butter.

How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
- open door, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close door.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun, of course.

How do you shoot a red elephant?
- You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
- Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
- Ever seen a yellow elephant?

What is grey and not there?
- No elephants.

[teezer]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into
the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the
house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says,

"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as
I am?'...and, she's always sound asleep!"

[Tok-ra]

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[mrbios]

dog walked into a pound.....exchanged it for a dollar

ok yea that ones crap better one:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

:banana: :smileysex

true story:
once when i was younger i used to escape my small play area thing (was about 2-3 years old) and always used to run aound the house, but one day they door was open and i managed to get out........made it about half a mile away before any one realised i was on my own...........also after about quater of a mile i managed to become a nudiest and lose the nappy :D

[Tok-ra]

Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

[Tok-ra]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Tok-ra]

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck.

Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.

[bogan]

A guy was driving through McDonalds drive thru, and when he got to the window he was told his order wasn't ready yet, and was instructed to park and his order would be brought out to him.
A fat McDonalds girl brings his order out to him and says-
"Sorry about the wait"
and he replies
"Don't worry, it's just your metabolism"

[Endre]

A few short jokes...


PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."


TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"


A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"


"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"


"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."


"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

EDIT: Or should I have one in each post? :confused:

[bogan]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[bogan]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Cyrus104]

Here is a joke:

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "Listen Sonny, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel."

[yuri]

here is mine :)

#1 :p:

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there only for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing a parking ticket! So I went up to him and said, "Come on, Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-di**ed Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a sh*t. My car was parked around the corner :p:


#2 :p:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?":p:

[SAE]

The father comes home late in the night. There he is hearing a groaning from the room of his daughter. Procured he opens the door quietly and has to see, how she's masturbating with a banana. The other morning he lashes the banana to a cord and goes, pulling the banana behind himself, through the dwelling. When the daughter thereupon flushes, the mother asks, what that has to mean. Whereupon the father: "I am showing my son-in-law the dwelling...

[Dynamo]

okay now the basis of this story is true... i take some liberties so that it is just easier to tell the story

I am 9 years old. I get a hampster for my birthday. It isn't my first pet but it is the first one I actually try to take care of. I was playing with him one day in my house and I let him out of the clear ball so he can just run around on the floor instead of in the ball. My dad calls me into the living room for something, and when I go back my hampster is gone! Oh no! So I go on a little safari through my house to find my hampster... but I cant find him. I tell my dad, and although he is angry he isn't like totally pissed, so he helps me put out some food on a plate so to attract my hampster to the food. A few days passed and no luck. Then on the fifth day my mother hears some *munch munch munch* behind the cabinet baseboard. She buts a little pencil mark where she hears it the loudest. So my dad goes to get a holesaw (a holesaw is a drill-bit that goes on a drill that when you pull the trigger on the drill it goes through wood in a circle) and she checks one more time for the munch sound. she draws an X where it is so my dad goes 10 inches to the right and says, "remember you told me to drill here." he put the drill there and goes through the base board. when he pulls it out there is hampster guts and bones and stuff ALL OVER the holesaw :lol and obviously the hampster was dead :(. Now that is KINDOF the funny part. *this party is ALL TRUE!*One night on the radio (maybe you have heard of Ron and Fez?) they have a skit and contest on "Who has the most greusome pet story?" I call in and tell this and I won! I won a weekend trip to a ski resort, but back to the contest, when I tell them the part where he goes through the hampster, they all scream UGH AHH etc. SO funny, and then when no one can beat my story they say "Congradulations Kyle, YOUR DAD DRILLED YOUR HAMPSTER!!!!!!!" */this part is ALL TRUE*

[Conflict]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."




A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school." He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...






And this is by far the best joke i have ever heard and hopefully it isn;t considered offensive....Just funny representation of the times :D


Two Afghanistan buisnessmen are granted permission to bring their families and buisnesses to America shortly after the United States Military entered their country.

Upon entering the plane the two men decide to place bet on who would be more "American" in 1 year.

1 year later the younger of the two men shows up at the others door and waits for the man to answer. Upon him answering he states:

" I have for sure won the bet. I know Im more American, I own four stores now. My children are in public schools and look at my new Corvette"


The other man, wthout a smile on his face: " Get off my porch ya towelhead terrorist!!!!"

[a5h]

Best joke ever!

An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Pakistan : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"

Indian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Pakistan, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India.

The Pakistani has a smirk on his face. The Indian listens in silence.

The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Indian : "Of Course."

Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put

all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India ."

The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"

Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.

Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."

Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.

[This is not meant to be racist ...just funny :banana: ]

[Dapper]

Tax Time



When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes--they're due again.

[novagamer]

Here's a decent one :) It's pretty long though!


Neighborhood Hazard
(or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
Author: Daniel Meyer

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least.

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.

The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger ... That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids.

[rundymc]

this isn't supposed to offensive to guys of african origin

There was this black guy- totally black, his clothes were black, his shoes, glasses, teeth, nails, palms, hair- when he walks in the middle of a road with no street lighting, all of the cars swerve to avoid him though they don't have headlights.

How did they see him?


It was daytime


another

a doctor, a poet, and an engineer were playing golf one bright day.
When arriving on the green to complete they're birdies (pretty good for amateurs) they notice a couple of guys wearing sunglasses taking their spot
Now these guys suck, they miss everytime
After 45 minutes of an agonising wait, they stop one of the staff members at the club and ask him- 'Son, what the HELL are those guys DOING?!!!'
the guy replies with tears in his eyes- 'Those men were once firefighters; a month ago we had a really bad fire at the convention hall, and these brave men went in at the height of the flames and rescued 8 of our secretaries. However, in the processes, they were permanently blinded by the flames, heat and smoke- Brave men indeed.' He then walked away
The doctor, awestrucken, said- 'Damn, those are brave guys.'
the poet said- 'Dude, if I were them, I'd ditch those people to burn- guys like those get props from me!'
The Engineer said-'Tsk, why can't those guys play at night?'

[cubic]

Jack was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for €50," said the pilot.

"Sorry, can't afford it," replied Jack.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be €100."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jack.

Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Yeah," said Jack "But you nearly had me there when my wife fell out!"

[Monarch]

- Ms., do you know what virgins eat for breakfast?

- ...no idea...?

- HAHA! I knew it!

[24infront]

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't
say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[arelion]

Sorry for my bad english, but I'll try as good as I can :)

A young boy enters the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a condom. He thinks it's a little bit embarrassing, so he decides to explain his purchase. "My girlfriend has finally invited me to her house for dinner tonight, and I'm sure that if everything goes right, she'll be mine tonight. Right before he's going to pay, he changes his mind and asks for another condom. He explains. "My girlfriend's sister flirts with me sometimes, and I'm sure she's interested in me aswell, so maybe i've got luck with her too. He takes some money from his pocket, but once again he changes his mind and asks for three condoms and tells the pharmacist that her mother is pretty young and actractive too, so I'll give it a try.

The night comes and they're all sitting around the table in the kitchen and they start off with a prayer. After the prayer, all of them except the boy who's still praying takes their forks and starts to eat. After a couple of long minutes, the girl whispers to the boy, "hey, I didn't know you were religious". The boy answers, "and I didn't know your faher was a pharmacist.

I hope you got it :)

[buff]

well, this didn't happen to me, but my bro did it.....(we are twins though)

We were
on vacation, and Dad was visiting one of his military friends. me and my bro were 7 years old, which means we were very goofy.....
Well, we went with dad, and got bored while dad talked about the good 'ole times flying F-15's etc. Well, me and my bro were playing around, doing what mischevioes boys do.....and rob had to go pee. Well, being a little boy having fun, he held it as long as possible. and when i say that I really mean it. By the time he decides he better go appease mother nature, it has turned into the I'm-not-going-to-make-it kind of urgency. So off rob races to the bathroom. And then, well waddya know, but his zipper is stuck. So he starts dancing around, trying to hold it while unsticking his zipper. Well, 7 year olds kinda loose their coordination when they have to go this bad, so its not going well for him. He finally gets his zipper down, pulls his whitey tighteys down, and lets ir rip. apparently he hadn't regained his ability to hold still, and misses big time. He sprays the wall all around the toilet, the sides of the toilet, and everything around. Well, the guy who lived there used the towel wrack to hang his military dress blues on, and they got sprayed too. infact, they were the main attraction. Well, being a 7yo, rob didn't tell anyone. So the next day, Mr. What-his-name puts his dress blues on, and goes to work.......and then notices the wonderful smell of urine all over him................

[24infront]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink
from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume
a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they
would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with
just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer
term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of
your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.

[Riska]

This one day George Bush and Vladimir Puthin.
Got to the point where they found out of that the war is not in the ocean any more so they would destroy all of there submarines!!
And they disided to do it in England Because of there major steel production.

when the day finally came they got together and went out to the harbour to see all of the subs arriving into the ports!
Then Bush said to Phutin look can you see that sub comming there?
And Phutin said Yes.
Bush then told him that it was the top of the line in America in subs and it have been away for over 300 days an not once been op to the surface.
And no one died in it!
Then Phutin pointed to a Russian sub and said to Bush. Can you see that one?
Bush answered Yes.
It Has been away for almost 450 days and newer been in for supplys and newer been op to the surface!
and only one died and this was a suicide!!
Bush looke in anger at Phutin and said this was the last sub lets go home!
And then they heard a rumble and another sum came up .
Phutin asked Bush is this one of yours?
Bush said no!
Then the hatch opened and a German Uboot comander came op and shouted Sig heil.. Haben Sie diesel?????

[Attitudx]

An OSU fan, a Texas fan and an OU fan go into a restroom. After finishing the Texas fan washes from his shoulders to his hands. They look at him and he says in Texas they teach us to be thorough. The OSU fan gets done and washes his hands from the wrist down. He says in OKlahoma State they teach us to be efficient. The OU fan gets done and goes to walk out and the others look at him questioningly.

HE says At Oklahoma Univeristy they teach us not to pee on our hands

[4-n-zics]

I am a moderator at another forum and found this extremely funny. A new member started a thread about his new 2600+ and this was his first post:

yea... just got a 2600+ and i was wondering if the silver thing on the core is a thermal pad... cuz i tried scraping it off with a plastic knife and i can't get it to come off...

Unfortunately, that "silver thing" he was talking about WAS THE DIE.

[quicksilver98]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[quicksilver98]

Children of the Eighties
We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak.

We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut.We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My LittlePonies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman.

Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's.

Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Stringsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The Gummy Bears and why did they take the Snorks off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families, the Polka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?

We are the ones who still read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes - preferably hightop Velcro Reeboks - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool.

The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot?

Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us.

We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties.

[SAE]

A priest and a nun are playing table tennis. Every time the priest does not hit the ball, he says: "F**k, missed!", that gets the nun naturally enormous on the nerves. Therefore she says: "If you swear again, you should be hit by a lightning." Next time, as he missed again and swears nevertheless, the skys open and a lightning bursts out - hitting the nun. There's a deep voice roaring from above: "F**k, missed!"


In the senate of the United States it was discussed whether there are too many generals would in the army, and one came to the conclusion to introduce an anticipated retirement schedule of the following kind:
Each general, who announces his early retirement gets a decent pension and additionally a unique payment, whose height is determined in the following way:
The distance in centimeters of two arbitrary points on the surface of their body is multiplied by $1.000 and paid off.
Two weeks later there were three generals willing to retire. First was measured from the vertex to the sole, giving 1.90meters and gets paid $190,000. The second general places himself on the tips of the toe and stretches the arms, whereby he comes on 2.30meters and takes $230,000 with him home. When the third general is asked, between which points he wants to be measured, there he answers briefly and scarcely: "From the top point of my penis to right under my testicles."
The specialist sends him to the medical department where the measurement's gonna take place. There it is requested to undress. He lowers his trousers and the physician is astonished: "Oh my god, where are your testicles?" - "In Vietnam."

[shafty]

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?





Put him on stage with a white tiger. (vegas joke)


How do you know what time it is at Michael Jackson’s house.






When the big hand meets the little hand

[NeGe0]

The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition in 1998 was keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. Entries did not have the élan of some previous ones, but are a worthy catalogue of stupidity, incompetence and had luck.

1. In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 50 cm of water after squeezing headfirst through a 30cm-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 30 m cliff on his daily run.

3. In Buxton, North Carolina, a man died on a beach when a 2.5 m hole he had dug in the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him. People on the beach used their hands and shovels to get to Jones but failed. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, California, when he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused by the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) ramming into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. In Dahlongega, Georgia, 20-year-old Nick Berrena was killed when fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak-vest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell Jr, 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head?on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing in their snowmobiles.

8. A seven-year-old boy fell off a 30m bluff near Ozark, Arkansas after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Honorable mentions

1. In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock and hit pal Anotonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio Martyn Eskins was attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement. He declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stilter, 47, was hospitalized in Andover, New Jersey, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 am, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4. In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival includes five days of amateur bullfighting. No bull was killed, but dozens of amateur matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbitized. Said one participant, `It's just one bull against a town of a thousand morons.'

Some more also-rans

1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents. Jerry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions to his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a goodbye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. 'I'm still not sure why I did it,' she said later. ' I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds.' However, cabbie Vegas did see and lost control of his car, running over the kerb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly after and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with sour tasting foam. She ran for the poison control center, only a few blocks away, where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. In La Grange, Georgia, attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cellphone removed from his rectum. 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,' he said later. 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tiles, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode,' said Dr Dennis Crobe. 'Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. 'three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time he made jokes about it that had us rolling on the floor. By the time he finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.'

4, In Tacoma, Washington, Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4.30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 12 m before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. 'All I can say,' said Bingham, 'is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it.' Bingham's foot was never located.

5. Also in the state of Washington, a Bremerton couple, Christopher and Emily Coulter, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a large bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back and tore away Christopher's penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. 'Chris is just plain lucky,' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. 'Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage cause by the dog's teeth to the penis is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh.' Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb and Washington animal control has no plans to seize Rudy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ The winner ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the overwhelming winner is... Friedrich Riesfeldt. An overzealous zookeeper in Paderborn, Germany, who fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 100 kg of excrement. Inv